By Craig Elliott

I guess the face-shaped dent in the left-centerfield fence could be known as Carlos’ Grill. That was some faceplant by the Traitor. Fucking Mets.

The Astros are 3.5 games behind the Pet Shop Boys, while the Brewers, Rukakkies, and Snakes are fading a little. Philadelphia is 1.5 games behind San Diego and two games ahead of Houston, so here’s a great chance for the Astros to move up.

The Phillies just had back-to-back doubleheaders with the ATL, which they split. Both of them. Ryan Howard hit three homers in one game Sunday, raising his league-leading total to 52. Chase Utley and Pat Burrell each have 24 homers as well.

When:
Monday, September 4, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, September 5, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, September 6, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. I’m in the Fox Southwest home area this season, and lately I’ve been getting way too much of the fucking Rangers. Seems like every other Astros game is blocked by the Rangers now.

Where: Citizens Bank Park

This is the start of yet another three-city road trip, though it’s the last one of the year. Well, unless the Astros start the playoffs on the road.

Phillies fans get to run the bases after Monday’s game. And the players and coaches get to throw shit and boo.

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By Craig Elliott

Yeah, sweep those smelly-ass beer farts out of town! The Astros have won six in a row and are 2.5 games off the wildcard lead. They’re also 5.5 games behind the Jakes, with two series left against them.

Nearly all of September will be played against playoff contenders (or at least they’re mostly in contention right now). In addition to seven big games with the Co-Ards, the Astros also have six with the Phillies, three more with the Commies, and first up, a three-game series with the goddamn New York Mets. Fucking blue-and-black traitor-hiring pieces of shit. Goddamn I hate the Mets.

Anyway, the assmunch Mets have gone 11-2 since mid-August. They’ve pretty much wrapped up the East, and at this point are just running victory laps and throwing dollars to the whores. Especially a certain Puerto Rican Whore. The Stem also picked up Shawn Green from the Snakes last week.

When:
Friday, September 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, September 2, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, September 3, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday will be a New York broadcast.

Where: MMPUS

Friday will feature the usual fireworks and also Tino Wallenda will perform above homeplate after the game. Unfortunately, Wallenda just signed Scott Boras as his agent, and thought the tightrope was defective. So he held out for a no-frayed clause.

Giveaways this weekend include gym bags on Saturday and Minute Maid Park replicas on Sunday. Grandparents can also walk the bases after the game Sunday, though after a series with the Mets, Gramps will want to watch where he steps. And don’t forget to enter Grandma in the Stop Thief! Competition, in which Brad Ausmus will try to throw out your grandmother at second base.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just took three of four from the Pirates, including a 13-1 laugher on Sunday that helped Jason Hirsh to his second win. Houston is 3.5 games behind Cincinnati now, with a little more than a month left to play. Most of the National League is still in the wildcard chase too.

Now we get to see the Big Three of the rotation pitching at home, in the playoff chase. And speaking of playoff chase, it’s time to knock Milwaukee out of it. The Brewers just got swept in a four-game series with the Fish, so the road trip isn’t going well for them. Milwaukee is a game behind Houston in the wildcard race, and five games behind Cincinnati.

When:
Tuesday, August 29, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, August 30, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, August 31, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. After that long-ass road trip, it’s about time for some Yvette.

Where: MMPUS

Tuesday’s giveaway is the Clemens road T-shirt, so get there early. And on Wednesday they’re giving away the scratch tickets, where you could win things like a pinch on the ass from Milo, or your own chance to strike out Morgan Ensberg on three pitches. Also, watch for the upcoming MoBerg Night, when NASA rocketry scientists will be on hand to re-enact moonshots from third base to first.

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