When you take this stuff day by day, you live and die with it in the beginning. After a while the ups and downs get smoothed out a little, even if there are more of one than the other. As long as expectations are not shattered, things don’t stray too far out of whack, well then the little anomalies are more like gravel in the road than speed bumps that you notice and slow down for.

Then one day you wake up and you find out that a scientist in Eastern Europe has perfected a way to shrink individual atoms on a permanent basis. In a coma as a result of an assassination attempt while being spirited away to the West, it’s has fallen to the CMDF (Combined Miniaturized Deterrent Forces) to remove the clot on Dr. Benes’ brain so the Forces of Truth and Liberty may profit from his discovery.

In much the same way that you might feel about the concept of Raquel Welch as a scientist with a certain amount of ability, you might be surprised to learn that since May 15, the Astros are 16-15. It is true. Welcome…to the Fantastic Voyage.

I’m not suggesting that this team is really a better-than-losing-half-its-games team, no. It’s just that some things are beyond completely unexpected, and even though there’s no way that reality applies here, when the girl smiles at you, even for an instant, you do feel like things are better than they really are.

They sure as hell aren’t doing it with the bats. Over the last month that .233/.285/.380 is below this season’s average by a shade. No, it’s the pitching. Over the last week, team ERA is 2.25; over the last two weeks, 3.23 and over the last month, 3.43. In June, opposing batters have a .665 OPS against the Astro staff.

Of course, most of this is really just the result of a couple of win streaks. From May 27-June 3, the Astros went 7-1 against Colorado and the Angels. June 12-16 they were 4-0 against Seattle and the White Sox. These two streaks bookended an 0-6 stretch against Baltimore, Kansas City and Seattle. There was one 7-2 run through the entirety of 2012 and it was in mid-May, so that year-long stretch of badness shows this latest example of success as the Colossus of Speed Bumps that it is.

I know this isn’t sustainable. Not many of their pitching numbers are, especially among the starters, so no one should misinterpret this as anything more than it is, a manifestation of luck. All I’m saying is that she smiled at you and didn’t look away when you noticed. Go over to her table. Buy her a drink. Right now, in this moment, you’re Superman. Enjoy it while you can.

***

It says a lot, too much really, that year in and year out when we think of the Brewers we think of pure, unbridled hatred for that steaming pile of shit who used to own that team. The shambling, mumblemouthed heyboy who cheerfully takes every single arrow he can get in front of while he searches for more ways to debase himself in service to the Dollar and the rich men who jerk his strings. High atop his shine box, he is proud to take a public teabagging if it means that his masters enjoy even a slight increase to their control over revenue streams. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s shown the restraint he has in not pursuing even stronger methods of Almighty Buck Enhancement for the Lords of Baseball. Why pace this march? There’s money left in wallets all across America, and no end to the suckers who’ll gladly give it over!

No, it’s time to look forward. The past is over. No reason to let bad feelings fester.

Milwaukee Brewers vs. Houston Astros
Tuesday, June 18, 7:10 PM, Minute Maid Park
Alfredo Figaro, 1-0, 3.47 vs. Jordan Lyles, 3-1, 3.48
Promotion: Coca-Cola Value Days

Milwaukee Brewers vs. Houston Astros
Wednesday, June 19, 7:10 PM, Minute Maid Park
Kyle Lohse, 2-6, 3.84 vs. Erik Bedard, 2-3, 4.82
Promotion: Coca-Cola Value Days

Milwaukee Brewers vs. Houston Astros
Thursday, June 20, 1:10 PM CDT, Minute Maid Park
Yovani Gallardo, 6-6, 4.41 vs. Lucas Harrell, 5-7, 4.48
Promotion: Drawstring Bag Presented By MLB Network

Hot damn, a drawstring bag. Perfect for slipping over our tormentor’s head before he’s knocked unconscious with a hammer and thrown in the trunk. You don’t have to drive far in this town to find an overgrown, swampy area thick with mosquitoes and growth that hides the abandoned cinderblock storage units. He won’t miss the lack of air conditioning or light, because there’s a gap in one of the boards that covers a sliver of the ceiling that pulled away when the soft ground settled. Those rats? They’re his friends. They give him little kisses at night, on his toes, his thighs, his fingers, his ears. The kisses stung in the beginning but not so much anymore, not when his stomach has distended from the meager scoop of cold, maggoty cereal that is dropped into his dark little domain from time to time. Not like time means anything any more – it’s been more than weeks, but there’s really no way to know how long he’s been here.

Too weak to try to make any noise, he sometimes thinks of when his arms will be able to slip out of the zip ties that are laced through the metal cables that hold him in the box. By then he’ll probably be too weak to stand though, and that sliver of daylight was already out of reach when he could stand upright. And it’s so hot in here.

The first few times they slid the locks and came inside to piss in his mouth it stung so badly he convulsed across the floor and sobbed until the pain from where they had cut out his tongue had subsided. Watching the rats nibble bit by bit on the lump of flesh in front of him left him strangely detached. After the full day of throaty noise he’d managed to howl through the swelling and agony, of course. Now he welcomes their visits to give him water, because it’s so hot, so hot in here and his throat hurts so much…

Sometimes it’s not nice when my mind wanders.

Contributed by Batgirl and Bench

What a road trip! The Astros are officially The Hottest Team in Baseball winning six straight on the road and humiliating the Angles with a four game sweep in their own yard. This the Astros’ longest run since a seven-game streak July 27-Aug. 3, 2010. Going all the way back to Memorial Day, the good guys are 7-1.

“It was just a matter of time,” manager Bo Porter said. “… you’re starting to see we’re coming together.”

Bo, you’re not at Tire World anymore. “It’s starting to come together, Pepper!” Be sure to give Reid Ryan plenty of credit too, as he and anything he is associated with is apparently blessed. His arrival ushered in this streak of good baseball while limiting shit-defiled snow cones and $375 ticket-wielding penis mimes to one occasion each.

Our conquering heroes will now no doubt return home to throng of adoring fan, hosting the Baltimore Orioles for a mid-week three game series.

The Orioles are experiencing an unexpected resurgence, somehow keeping more runs on the board than the other teams throughout last season, and making the playoffs for the first time since Jeffrey Maier was in middle school. Same result, however, as they lost to the Yankees again in five games.

Meanwhile, the O’s have won four of their last five and 10 of 13, including series wins over the Yankees, Nationals and Tigers, all while keeping the city of Baltimore at the top of international syphilis rates (syphilis jokes have got to be the Baltimore equivalent of “Houston, we have a problem”). They’re 2.5 games out in the clusterfuck that is the AL East With The Exception of Toronto.

That Chris Davis guy is kind of a big deal with a nickname that I can’t decide if I hate or not but the fact that it came during his time as a stRanger might be enough. It’s fucking terrible.

In addition to Chris Davis, the O’s are getting plenty of offense out of its balanced lineup, including Adam Jones, JJ Hardy, Matt Weiters and Nick Markakis. Manny Machado already has 25 double this season, which is preposterous. The Orioles lead the league in homers, and are second in batting average and runs scored. The Astros just held the Angels to 8 runs over 4 games. Look for that to change.

Baltimore reporter Bob Haynie, who is finally employed after being replaced by a twitbot at the Baltimore Sun in Season 5 of the Wire, sums it up nicely: “The fact that the Astros have won five-straight is very touching, but the Orioles should hammer this team into submission.” Dick. It’s been six straight.

Let’s get to the games. If you want to watch them on TV, go over to Budgirl’s house or meet NeilT at Hans Bierhaus. The cookies are better at Budgirl’s but I don’t think she’s installed a bocce court yet.

The “promotion” for these games is “Coca Cola Value Days.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m not sure what a Bobblebelly is either.

TONIGHT 7:10:
Lucas Harrell v. Chris Tillman

Tillman has surrendered eight homers in his last three outings, including four to the Nationals in his last start on Wednesday. So, Carter and Dominguez should have an opportunity to keep swinging the lumber.

Harrell is coming off a win against the Rockies after dropping his previous four games. Did he finally shift to the shift? Probably not.

WEDNESDAY 7:10:
Dallas Keuchel v Freddy Garcia

Yes, that Freddy Garcia, who at age 36 is the oldest player on the Orioles and potentially Altuve’s grandfather.

THURSDAY 1:10:
Bud Norris v Miguel Gonzalez

Gonzalez is a steady pitcher but he’s been having control problems in his last couple of games since he came off the DL. He ought to sharpen back in to top form this game.

Meanwhile, and likely more important for the club’s future than this game, Thursday is Baseball’s North American draft. Will Luhnow pay for Appel? Will he snort Adderall with Gray? Will he follow Crane’s orders and go cheap again? TUNE IN AND FIND OUT! Take a ride on the bus if you want the most up to date draft information.

Trivialities:

• The Astros and Orioles have only met nine times over three series, with the O’s winning six of those games. The Astros swept a series in 2003, and Baltimore rolled to six straight in the next two (’05, ’08).

• The Orioles haven’t played in Houston in nearly 10 years to the dates of this series. Baltimore and Houston played three games at Minute Maid Park from June 3-5, 2003, which evidently the Astros swept.

• Maryland is a beautiful state of rolling hills, farmland, fields and forests. The National Aquarium in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor is fantastic. Getting from one to the other is a harrowing adventure filled with dread and peril.

• Obligatory endorsement of hard drugs and casual sex.

O’s injuries: Nothing much. Brian Roberts has missed most of the year. Pedro Strop is hurt. Check out the full story here: http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/fantasy/injuries/#team110

Prediction: I guess being hammered into submission is pre-ordained.