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  • Series Previews (Page 23)

Astros @ Blue Jays Series Preview

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

The Vodka Queen who lived at the top of the hill smiled little for an old lady.  It wasn’t that she was unpleasant or rude, but she’d make you work for that first smile of the day.  And the smile was worth it.  She smiled with her eyes and her mouth, her cheeks puffed out to form sunburned islets that passed the waves of wrinkles from one to the other.  How often you got the smile depended largely on your age and what you’d been up to.

Her hands contorted inward, as if through time they decided to serve only two purposes – to hold a pencil and to hold a highball glass.  Her knuckles creaked and popped when taken out of their resting positions; brittle oak branches wrapped loosely with a sheer film of skin that dangled the way arm fat does in a Walmart queue.

She dressed inappropriately for someone of her advanced age, in that she wore blouses and pants instead of sleeping garments and orthopedics.  You could say she was too proud to dress informally, but pride had nothing to do with it.  She just didn’t want anybody to think she was disrespectful of their attention.  And the Vodka Queen got a lot of attention.

The sky deferred to her, it seemed.  Deep blue hues would melt away at their first sight of her, yielding to yellow, then nothing but the clearest blue you’ve ever seen.  Pinks and oranges and purples would celebrate the first Wawona of the day, eventually tiring as she made her way inside for the evening.

The sky turned grey the day she died.  It cried at her funeral.

Then she came back.

***

Astros @ Blue Jays

Thursday, July 25 – 6:07pm

Bedard (3-7) vs Buehrle (5-7)

Friday, July 26 – 6:07pm

Lyles (4-4) vs Dickey (8-11)

Saturday, July 27 – 12:07pm

Keuchel (4-5) vs Johnson (1-6)

Sunday, July 28 – 12:05pm

Cosart (1-0) vs Redmond (1-1)

***

I hadn’t been to the neighborhood since her funeral, but I was in town for business and had the day off.  I parked on Highland Ave, not far from the walk-street, and watched the waves for a long time.  This was the beach of my childhood – Galveston and Bolivar were closer, sure, but I went there to fish.  I came to Manhattan Beach to play.

I turned down 4th Street and dodged parked and passing cars until the lanes ended at a series of thick concrete posts, each about waist-high.  I remember climbing atop these to get a better view of the ocean in my youth, when they seemed to tower above all else.  Now they only served as a barrier for oncoming traffic, which kept the walk-street clean and, more importantly, safe for families.

If you walked the length of the block you’d see decades-old bungalows giving way to multi-tiered mansions – each clamoring to rise above next to achieve a better view of the water.  This proved difficult in many cases, as the hill sharply descended from one end to the other.  Dozens of feaux-Tuscan  skyscrapers now sprouted from the surface, like weeds through cracks in a driveway – new, ugly and completely out of place.

I didn’t have to go far, though, before I found the Vodka Queen’s house.  Her two daughters kept the place in the family, opting to keep a link to the past instead of selling to another stucco enthusiast.  So there it sat, quiet, clean and unchanged.  But not lifeless, I thought.  I pondered going inside.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.  The ocean responded in kind, with an exhale that carried a fresh salty breeze over the surface of the beach, up the hill and past the pink roses that still bloomed in front of me.  The combination of smells dropped my shoulders, fluttered my eyelids and seeped into my skin.  I sighed and continued the conversation.

A voice snapped me out of serenity and beckoned me over.

I hadn’t seen Marsha since that rainy day six years ago, and we embraced like family.  Years of sun and toil scrunched her face to something altogether unrecognizable, like rings of ripples without a splash, but I knew her voice and, of course, knew where she lived.  I took a seat on her patio.

Another benefit of a walk-street is that everybody had a patio on their front porch and, it being southern California, the weather always cooperated.  So if you were, say, retired and had nothing better to do, you’d sit on your patio all day.  Because of this, the neighborhood became a community, and the community became a family.

Marsha had gone inside to grab us refreshments, and I took the time to stare at the Vodka Queen’s patio next door.  My eyes strained to find some movement, some ghostly sign of the afterlife, not knowing what I would ever do if I succeeded.  Nothing.

Marsha came out with two highball glasses in her hands – Wawonas.  The drink was named after a hotel outside of Yosemite’s valley where the Vodka Queen spent her summers with her daughters and grandchildren.  It was a simple mixture – vodka and pink lemonade – but it tasted clean and crisp and packed a punch.  It probably carries another name in the bartending world, but in this world, on this street, in this family, it was called a Wawona.

I knew why she brought them out.  “Is she really still here?” I asked.

“Of course she is.  She was standing next to you just a moment ago.”

***

Injury Report

Blue Jays

JA Happ – Yeuk

Drew Hutchison – Botanophobia

Brandon Morrow – Jumping Frenchmen of Maine

Ramon Ortiz – Water-Elf Disease

Luis Perez – Galactorrhea

Sergio Santos – Witzelsucht

Astros

Trevor Crowe – right shoulder

Edgar Gonzalez – right shoulder

Alex White – Yep.  Still out.

***

The afternoon filled with neighbors coming by to say hi and catch up on old times.  They’d ask about my mother, ask about my kids, ask about my cousins.  Age isn’t kind to those who spend their days outside, but what weakens the outside only strengthens the inside.  They were genuinely happy to see me and genuinely interested in our conversations.

I kept searching for the Vodka Queen.  I’ve always been afraid of ghosts, just the mere thought of someone – something – watching me without my knowledge creeps me out.  That they had died and lingered only exacerbated the feeling.  But I wanted to see her again.  Needed to.

I asked Marsha, my impromptu guide to all things paranormal, what to look for.  “You’ll know it when you see her,” was all I’d get in response, and I began to entertain ideas about entering the house.  But the Wawonas were sinking in and it was nice outside, so I put it off and tried to enjoy myself.

***

Promotions

Sunday – MR. SUB Cooler Bag to the first 20,000.  Don’t know if it carries over to the next game.

***

The rest of the day carried on in normal fashion.  People came and went, a mother and son walked past us on the way to the beach, a seagull alighted on a lamppost and watched us.  Life continued without asking permission or asking forgiveness.  For the first time I felt the pull of responsibility, like a toddler tugging at my sleeve to get up and go back to the hotel.

Six years ago I came to grips with the fact that I would never see the Vodka Queen again, and once again I felt the familiar stabbing grief.  I wouldn’t – couldn’t – see the ghost today.  It was an outlandish idea anyway.  I believed it only because I wanted to believe it and these poor people were doing just the same.  And besides, even if it was true, I sure as hell wasn’t going in that house at night.

I stood up and thanked Marsha for the drinks and the relaxing afternoon.  The hours were waning and the sun was beginning to duck behind the Pacific.  She looked at me with pity.

“You still can’t see her, can you?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.  I’ve been looking all over, looking for something that doesn’t belong in this world, looking for some sort of supernatural sign, and I’ve got nothing.”

“Look again,” she said, “and tell me what you see.”

I sighed.  “I see you.  I see the Vodka Queen’s house.  I see Marv and Shirley sitting on their patio.  Sally and Jack, too.  And there’s Peter, over there is Cassidy and Heather.  Brady is just coming up from the beach.  I don’t know the people down the street, but they’re out, too.  Someone’s cocker spaniel is loose.  The sun is setting.  Are you getting all of this?”

“Are you?”

“Clearly I am!” I said.

“No you’re not.  You’re looking for something supernatural.  You’re looking for something that doesn’t belong.  You’re looking for something that isn’t.  Look at all of these people.  Look at that seagull.  Look at the sunset.  Look inside yourself.  The Vodka Queen, as you call her, is what drew us together in the first place.  She was the constant – she was the rock.  In this family of neighbors, she was our grandmother.  We all see her.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled again.  Then I opened my eyes, for the first time all day, and saw my Grandma Pat.

She was here.  And she was smiling.

 

Those Post-ASB Last Minute Series Preview Blues – A’s @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on July 21, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Series Previews

contributed by Mr. Happy

7/22 7:10 p.m. CDT Dallas Keuchel (LHP 4-5 4.62) v. Tommy Milone (LHP 8-8 4.24)
7/23 7:10 p.m. CDT Jarred Cosart (RHP 1-0 0.00) v. Jarrod Parker (RHP 6-6 3.95)
7/24 1:10 p.m. CDT Bud Norris (RHP 6-9 3.91) v. A.J. Griffin (RHP 8-7 3.82)

Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
You gotta have somethin’
If you wanna be with me

Dark Star gave me this assignment about six weeks ago, so I have been eagerly awaiting the pitching matchups to be announced. Sadly and inexplicably, both teams waited until the last fucking minute to release the names of their series probables, which complicated and significantly raised the difficulty level of the job of yours truly. But I rose to the occasion, all for the good of the SnS order.

Sphinx Drummond suggested that as long as I wrote about all the drugs that I used and girls that I boned, you all could fill in the rest. However, I wanted to rant about a few other things, so drunken, drugged out fuck stories will have to wait until next time. Well, maybe I’ll regale you with one such story, but that’ll depend upon how I feel at the end.

First, a few choice words about the shittiest home venue in MLB: the Colishiteum (no, I will not pimp the name of the name sponsor du jour of that dump — if I was in upper management of the sponsor, I’d strongly consider ceasing the association of my company with such an eyesore — as if the sponsor was anything special-it’s just a fucking letter in the alphabet–BFD). Having lived in the Bay Area for several years, I had frequent occasion to traipse across the bay and take in many games both in SFO and OAK. The two yards couldn’t be any more different if you tried.

AT&T Park (yeah, I’ll pimp them because the yard is great, and they’re the official cellular, phone and internet service provider for the Happy family) is one of the finest yards in the Show. We used to take the ferry across the bay from Vallejo to the Embarcadero and walk down to the yard, by-passing the traffic snarls and SFO parking robber barons, who can go fuck themsleves. 24/7.

Don’t even get me started about having to pay for parking, which offends me each and every time I am forced to do so. Chuck will quickly point out that I am a hayseed neck from the country, but I didn’t pay for parking until I was in my early 20’s. The first time that I was told that I had to put money in the meter in New Orleans, I told the meter to fuck off and went about my merry way.

Of course, there was a parking ticket on my windshield when I returned to my vehicle. This royally pissed me off. I found the meter maid and, essentially foaming at the mouth, expressed indignation and threw expletives at her like they were free samples at Costco. I literally bitched her up one street and down the other, finally eating the ticket in front of her. Those were the days!

The AlDaviseum is a football stadium. End of story. However, baseball history has been made there, as greats from Catfish Hunter to Mr. October to Blue Moon Odom to Bert Campaneris to Vida Blue plied their craft to great success there under the watchful eye of one Charles O. “Charlie” Finley, the colorful former owner of the team, now deceased. That place has no feel, no culture associated with it. It lacks the joie de vive that I find associated with most big league parks, even the dump that is Wrigley Field. It’s just, well, the Dumpaseum.

But this series will be played at MMPUS, and most of you will not be able to watch it unless you have the MLB Extra Innings package. In the season series, the Astros are o-fer against the Athletics, as in 0-9. Swept thrice, twice in April and once in May, the Astros have been outscored 68-31 in the season series through nine games. Harrell (in the dog house for having a bad attitude—that kid needs to grow up) and Norris both have lost twice against the A’s. The ageless (and probably chemically enhanced) Bartolo Colon is 3-0 against the Good Guys. Bartolo Fucking Colon. Thankfully for us, we will miss Colon this time because he pitched on Sunday.

Collectively, the Athletics are hitting .301 with 13 bombs and 65 ribbies in nine games against the Astros this season. Conversely, the A’s pitching has held the Astros to a .248 BAA, although they have allowed the Astros ten long balls. Meanwhile, Astros pitching has limped to a 0-9 7.15 with a pathetic 1.821 WHIP against the A’s, allowing 96 hits and 62 earnies in 78 innings, which, well, isn’t good.

Pitching Matchups

We have dueling portsiders in the series opener. Dallas Keuchel, who is Monday’s Astros starting pitcher, is 0-1 5.25 in 12 innings over three appearances against the Athletics, one of which was a start, pitching to a BAA of .327 and a WHIP of 1.417 against the Athletics this season. The A’s are hitting .333 (17-51) against Keuchel for his career. As expected, several A’s see Keuchel pretty well. Nate Freiman (2-3 with a tater), Yoenis Cespedes (3-4), Seth Smith (3-6 with a bomb) and Coco Crisp (2-5) have had success against Keuchel.

The A’s starter, portsider Tommy Milone, is 1-0 4.61 against the Astros in two starts this season. J.D. Martinez (3-8) and Matt Dominguez (1-6) have taken Milone deep. Brandon Barnes (2-6), Jose Altuve (3-11) and Ronny “there’s no reason for my being on the roster” Cedeno (2-6) also have had some success against Milone.

The A’s haven’t seen Tuesday’s pitcher, Jarred Cosart, yet. The only Astro with any ABs against Jarrod Parker, Carlos Pena, is 1-5 with a two bagger, a free pass and three strike outs. So we don’t have a fucking clue as to what will happen Tuesday night except that Pena will have a multiple strikeout game and possibly walk once.

Wednesday’s matinee matchup, A.J. Griffin v. Bud Norris, is a study in contrast of results. Griffin is 2-0 4.61 against the Astros, while David Stefan “Bud” Norris is 0-2 11.37 against the A’s this season. Norris has pitched to a horrific BAA of .355 and an astronomical WHIP of 2.368 against the A’s this season. The Astros are hitting .256 (11-43 with three homers) against Griffin. Jason Castro (3-6 with two bombs) and Matt Dominguez (1-4 with a long ball) have taken Griffin deep. The Astros have had some success against Griffin, who has surrendered six earnies in 11.2 innings of work.

Meanwhile, Bud Norris probably is not looking forward to Wednesday’s game. The A’s are hitting .294 (15-51) with four home runs career against Norris. Jed Lowrie (2-3), Seth Smith (3-7), Coco Crisp (1-3) and John Jaso (2-6) have taken Norris deep.

Injury Report

Athletics

LHP Brett Anderson (sprained right ankle, stress fracture in right foot) went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to April 30, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on June 14. He is expected to be back in mid-August.

OF Yoenis Cespedes (left wrist soreness) was a very late scratch, right before game time on July 19 and hasn’t been back in the lineup through Saturday’s game.

2B Scott Sizemore (torn left anterior cruciate ligament) went on the 15-day disabled list April 10, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on April 22. He had season-ending surgery April 16.

Former Astro RHP Fernando “Angel of Doom” Rodriguez (torn ulnar collateral ligament in right elbow) went on the 60-day disabled list March 23. He had season-ending Tommy John surgery March 25.

Jarrod Parker (hamstring)-day-to-day. He threw a bully session on Friday.

Astros

Chris Carter (ankle) was back in the starting lineup July 19.

OF Trevor Crowe (right shoulder sprain) went on the 15-day disabled list on June 21. There is no timetable for his return.

RHP Edgar Gonzalez (Mr. Happy eye strain) went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to May 26. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for his return.

RHP Alex White (Tommy John surgery in April 2013) went on the 60-day disabled list March 30. He is out for the season.

Promotions

Coca Cola Value Days for every game. You’ll get nothing and like it.

Series Prognostication

A’s sweep again.

Lagniappe: Obligatory Drugged Out Story

I had to search for a story (a) worth telling, (b) that I remembered, (c) that tied into the series and (d) funny, all at the last minute. So, here goes. No promises that it’ll tie into this series preview. This one goes back to when Xanax (alprazolam) was released in the early 1980’s. I had a girlfriend at the time (who was as into drugs and having fun as I was—she was my pot source—it always helps to date your dealer) who had a prescription for Xanax, which she’d share with me. Plus she dealt it.

I fucking loved Xanax the very first time; I always took them to excess. I liked how whole periods of time would simply fucking disappear or just be displaced in my brain. If you’ve had as much of your life gaps filled in by onlookers as I have because of Xanax, then you’d understand that I consider myself as floating above my body for much of my life. However, this story involved the intersection of Xanax, marijuana and Everclear.

Allie (not her real name) and I took off on a road trip to Florida to go to the beach for a few days of R&R. Armed with a boatload of cash (drug dealing paid very well), sleeping bags, several bottles of Everclear, a bunch of Xanax (and Allie had even stolen some of mom’s Xanax for the trip), a whole pound of some of the best marijuana that I had ever experienced and a map of beach houses that had hot outside showers (but no place to stay), we set off on I-10 eastbound for the Sunshine State.

We almost didn’t make it there because we were pulled over near Biloxi MS for speeding and improper lane changes. Thankfully, Allie (who was driving and rolling joints simultaneously-multi-talented) sweet-talked the state highway patrolman and walked away with a warning and, more importantly, no search of the vehicle.

We arrived at the beach in Pensacola and set up shop there on a remote part of the beach, openly drinking, throwing Xanax back like they were candy, swigging Everclear, smoking big old blunts and fucking in one of the sleeping bags like we owned the place. We had a number of very close calls about the marijuana as there were complaints of pot smoke coming from our direction.

However, Allie, a drop-dead gorgeous southern belle debutante gone bad who would eventually get busted for dealing a few years after we broke up (which was over my drug bill that was eating into her profit) but who was still living a charmed life, simply and professionally sweet-talked each and every investigator. Allie could keep her shit together and pitch from life’s stretch long after I was incoherent.

She would be as fucked up as I was (if not more so—she could clear a bong like nobody’s business) and still be able to hold a conversation with someone—probably all of that deb training. Because of the drugs and alcohol, I really don’t remember how many days we stayed there, although it was long enough for my white ass to start peeling while we were still there.

One of the few things that I actually remember from that trip was my utter and complete embarrassment at being so fucked up that I was physically unable to perform when called upon. Yep. I was on the PUP list. However, at 53, I look back on that experience as training for middle age without the assistance of Viagra or Cialis (which fucking health insurers won’t cover—don’t get me started on those bastards). I’ve learned to never pass up a bathroom.

How does this story tie into the A’s series? It probably doesn’t, unless you use your imagination, because that’s what it will take for the Astros to win a game in it. Come check us out in the GameZone.

Where Lost Is Found

Posted on July 19, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Series Previews

Changing your strut when you know I’m behind you
Changing your ways ’cause you don’t know what to do
I only wanna tell you how I feel inside
If only you could listen, try to change your mind

I’ve got a friend, guy I’ve known for ten years or so. He’s got an enormous amount of staggering health issues, the little weak ones being severe diabetes and some muscle disorder that causes his eyes to constantly jitter horizontally, rendering him Officially Blind although he can drive a car and walk around and do many things that normally sighted folks can do. But that, combined with the vision challenges that come with being an albino, make him blind in the eyes of whatever agency makes those decisions.

He’s a really funny guy, very sharp and we get along great. Or at least we did, until circumstances caused him to move back to the smaller city that he came from to go back to work in the family business. A little more than a year ago he decided to come out as a gay man, came to all of his friends individually to tell us after he’d had a weight-lifting meeting with his parents that had gone well. It’s doubtful that the city he was returning to would be as supportive and provide the, shall we say, more fertile ground he’d enjoy in Austin regarding his sexuality, but he felt it necessary to go back. We all wished him well but expected that this couldn’t last.

So I walk right up to you and you walk all over me
And I ask you what you want and you tell me what you need
Can’t you feel it all come down?
Can’t you hear it all around?
At the place where lost is found, that great love sound

In his absence and his distance he took to Facebook to communicate with his friends from his remote outpost. He’d always trended toward the cryptic, but these one-line messages became exasperating in their vague but consistently sad drumbeat. The messages read like inside jokes that weren’t funny, but could only be deciphered by being at Ground Zero of their origin. A few drew responses, and those were either questions that went unanswered or feeble pleas from some of his less-stable friends who hoped things would get better.

These messages went on for months and mutated into tangential references to medical procedures or conditions that were never defined, just remarked on as episodes that resulted in depressing news, over and over and over. “Another doctor visit. Another disappointment.” It was impossible to tell what was going on, but the depressing message was clear – whatever it was that he wanted or needed wasn’t getting done for whatever reason. Lots of us wondered about his health and how badly he was declining, but there were no answers, just the beacon of pain flipping around in the fog.

A certain amount of this seemed to be a diva turn, some kind of need for him to be front and center for us all. He didn’t want to perform but he’d always wanted the applause and since he’d moved that want had turned to need. The volume of vaguebooking became something like a flood as it shifted to a cry for attention rather than a cry of pain. I can’t pinpoint exactly when that point was reached, but it was a common view of many – he was looking for an audience, people to care in a public way.

Lots of us have holes that can’t ever be filled. We’ve all got traumas and tragedies that happen along the way and how we react to them is the shape we take in our lives. Not every tree grows straight and tall; not every crack in the ground is filled and smoothed over. Everyone wants comfort and companionship, no matter how they decide to seek it out.

A couple of weeks ago he posted a picture of himself and another woman. She had her head poised slightly above his, and the two of them were in closeup. He’d let his hair go long again, long white hair down his neck and a little past his shoulders. It was difficult to tell from the angle, but the clothing that ended around the back of one arm looked a lot like a dress.

The picture was captioned, “Two Lovely Ladies.”

***

I don’t put a lot of stock in reincarnation. I’m pretty much of the mind that once you take the dirt nap, it’s all over except for the decay. This aging thing is all new to me. I don’t have a father to lean on for guidance, and my friends are generally younger than I am, so in some ways I’m the prow of the boat on this journey. That’s ok, I’m not complaining, it’s a role I’ve had for decades but every once in a while I kinda wish there was even the battered remnants of a manual somewhere.

When does the hunter stop hunting? Is it a matter of choosing different prey, or do you still go out with the braves but watch the kill instead of participating? Is that ever enough, when you’ve been the instrument that brought so many down in the past? There is a primal need for the hunt, just as there is for the kill but they become more difficult as time passes, and the reward incrementally less so.

I knew early on that she was in my blood. Our orbits would cross infrequently, but when they did we’d prolong the time in a strange mixture of celebration and denial. We’d spend hours together during the days, making little excuses to be in the company of each other just until it started to feel a little too real, and then we’d slide on to the rest of our lives. There was never a discussion of what was going on, and she could snap from comfortable flirt to distant acquaintance in the time it took for her guilt to spread its wings.

“We could be in Mexico in six hours. Maybe less.”

“No. Can’t leave the kids.”

Two days later we’d be in a meeting and she would never even make eye contact, much less acknowledge my presence in the room. The next day we’d spend hours together again, making small talk, trading stories, moving closer until she’d close her office door so we could be alone.

Age has brought doubt, and self-awareness has become a swampy jungle that can’t be reliably navigated. Abandoning the hunt feels like abandoning a room in a house, shutting a door for the last time. Or maybe the door is being shut for me, and if that’s the case then continuing on would only be sad and ultimately embarrassing.

Talking to you makes me wanna shake and shout
Touching you makes me wanna come right out
You could never want me the same way I want you
I’m love tornado struck, I don’t know what to do

So I walk right up to you and you walk all over me
And I ask you what you want and you tell me what you need
Can’t you feel it all come down?
Can’t you hear it all around?
At the place where lost is found, that great love sound

***

Seattle is a team that is trying to avoid free fall. Over a third of their roster has been turned over since beginning the season. A strong rotation has been ravaged at the back end, and prospects have flamed out while young players have been pushed to the majors. Sound familiar? It should. Ten games apart in the win column, but Seattle and Houston are closer than you might expect.

Seattle Mariners vs. Houston Astros

Friday, July 19, 7:10 PM CDT, Minute Maid Park
Joe Saunders, 8-8, 4.24 vs Bud Norris, 6-8, 3.63

Saturday, July 20, 6:10 PM CDT, Minute Maid Park
Hisashi Iwakuma, 8-4, 3.02 vs. Erik Bedard, 3-6, 4.61

Sunday, July 21, 1:10 PM CDT, Minute Maid Park
Felix Hernandez, 10-4, 2.53 vs. Jordan Lyles, 4-3, 4.02

Promotions
Friday, “Big and Bright Friday Nights,” Friday Night Fireworks, $1 Dog Night
Saturday, Faith and Family Night featuring Tenth Avenue North, Astros Blood Drive
Boy, those ought to pack ’em in.

You’re a rhyme without a reason
And you know it so well
Who’s the king of the season
Well you never can tell
Though it’s so plain to see
You think you like to be normal
You think you’re in control
But the action you take only makes you small
Just like the way it should be

The Astros are accelerating moves, trying players at different levels to see what they’ve got before the Trade Deadline, before making cuts, before next year’s Rule 5 scythe stops being Houston’s ally. Seattle is roughly a year or two ahead of the curve Houston is on now. There are some exceptions, namely Felix Hernandez, but that mix of guys who aren’t panning out and regarded prospects who aren’t quite ready has dumped the Mariners toward the bottom of the division, just this side of our Home Nine.

My friend wears dresses, jewelry and makeup now. He’s posted several pictures and our stunned silence caused him to ramp up his remarks about no one commenting. He looks like a man in a dress. Is that what he wants me to say?

I feel the twilight of the days of good hunting. I don’t know what replaces that, and what the penalty is for relinquishing the reins. I’m not all that great with time on my hands but whatever time there is will come at its own pace. I’ll deal with it as it happens.

I hope your futures are bright, and they burn on your terms.

You’re a book out of nowhere
Being read all the time
And the things that you give me
Only show that you’re blind
And when you know it’s all over
And you’re goin’ insane
I’m just there to remind you that I can’t feel no pain
Why don’t you let it be

Cause I’m not afraid to fall
No I’m not afraid to fall
I’m not afraid at all

An Unconventional Approach

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Series Previews

Astros @ Rays Series Preview

contributed by Great Bagwell’s Beard

“Did you want to ask me something about Amy?”

I looked down at my plate of salad and said nothing for a moment. “Yeah.”

He arched his impossibly bushy eyebrows and leaned back in his chair.

“I..I want to court your daughter.”

He smiled warmly.

Within this space, there have been tales of good natured debauchery and heart-wrenching soul searching. The quality of the writing is jaw-dropping. And without fail, I read these authors and think “Shit, my life is boring.” I keep wracking my brain for stories in my past that even hold a candle to the fully embodied characters and images that the other authors have created. Which leads me back to an all you can eat salad restaurant on Highway 249, about ten years ago.

Next to my own father, the man who most shaped my teen years was my basketball coach. When team politics and my own negligible skills shut me out of the team for my sophomore and junior years, he was the one who wrapped an arm around my narrow shoulders as I choked back the tears I didn’t want my teammates to see. “I need an assistant coach for the junior high teams. You interested?” He didn’t need another assistant any more than I needed a horn in the middle of my forehead.

That’s just how he was. Always looking after every kid, from the star forward to the 12th man on the bench, just hoping for some garbage time minutes. I don’t know how many Sonic meals he bought for kids on road trips, but it was an awful lot.

He had calves like you turned spinach-fed Popeye upside down, until those cartoon forearms settled just above his ankles. He was tough on conditioning because even in his fifties, he could run us ragged. I don’t think I’ll ever be in that kind of shape ever again. I could run all day back then. And dunk. Really. There are photos, dammit.

And then there was his daughter.

Maybe it was one of those big fish-small pond kind of things, but all of the guys on the team were in love with her on some level. Like true high schoolers, some of us wanted to fuck her brains out, while others would be content to just hear her say our names. Long dark hair and an easy smile. Athletic legs like her daddy.

She was a few years younger than me, but I’d continue to see her around when I’d come home from college. She was growing into a real woman. She’d abandoned volleyball for choir. She got a lot of solos. And even more guys swooning. Still thinking of myself as a jock, I dismissed the these sensitive choir types as legitimate competition. I mean, seriously, dude: that fedora does not make you Bogart.

It’s here that things get…archaic. In spite of fifty years of backseat copulation, the rise of social media and the ability to send ill-advised dick pics in the time it takes to open a beer, there’s a pocket of society that wishes things could go back in time a bit as far as dating is concerned. Like, far enough back that “dating” isn’t even the word that’s used to describe it. They call it “courtship.”

It’s almost what you’re thinking. Sitting at a girl’s house, trying to have a natural conversation while her family lurks in the other room, checking periodically to make sure that you’re keeping an appropriate distance apart on the sagging couch. This is purported to be the antidote to teen pregnancy and hasty young marriages, but it also kills off any real knowledge of the other person. It proposes that a doe-eyed couple can best get to know each other within the context of their respective families, but all that context shows is what someone is like when they’re really, desperately hoping that their little brother isn’t going to wander in and tell about the time that you found a tick on your dick on that camping trip in third grade.

Somehow, I still thought this was worth it for a shot at Amy. It was the necessary price of admission. Those legs. That smile. You gotta take your shot.

The first step of the process is to contact the girl’s dad. Not the girl directly. Really. Obviously, this raises a whole host of potential pitfalls. She might not, you know, actually like you. She might, but he could cockblock you in a way that your frattiest frat bro could only dream of. He could set conditions that would make Jane Austen roll her eyes like “bitch, please.” It’s like the tradition of asking for a girl’s hand in marriage, but seriously premature, and with a much more powerful “no” in the father’s arsenal. And as an actual adult in his early twenties, I was willing to take this on. So I called my coach and asked to meet with him. He suggested the salad place by Willowbrook.

Only dieters, health freaks and old folks eat a Friday lunch at a salad bar. Nothing against a good salad, but unless you’ve got a pressing nutritional reason, it’s not anyone’s idea of a pleasant social lunch. I wondered if he was stacking the deck against me. Like this masculine tete-a-tete was supposed to take place over huge slabs of meat, so he was flipping the script on me to keep me off balance.

This was worse than actually asking the girl out myself. Faced with one of my lifelong mentors and and preparing to ask for permission to squire his daughter felt like loading up with birdshot and coming across a grizzly.

I shouldn’t have been worried about his response. Once I choked out my supplication between bites of iceberg and raw mushrooms, he smiled and gladly granted his blessing. He only asked that I not press things too quickly so that she could finish her degree.

Amy was headed to college in Dallas that fall, and I stayed in touch, emailing and leaving odd, stilted voicemails. She rarely called back. I sent her a card for her birthday in February, which she didn’t acknowledge until May. I thought I had some competition from another player from the basketball team, but he was thwarted as I was, even though I’d jumped through all the right hoops.

The worst thing about the whole “courtship” arrangement is that the girl is absolved of any responsibility for managing the situation. Everything runs through Daddy Dearest. When my phone rang in the fall, I wasn’t expecting to hear from my coach. “Amy wants you to call off the dogs” was the one phrase that I remember from that conversation. The rest of it was a blur with the overarching feel that this was a chickenshit way to call it off. Where was the chivalry and class in sending someone I deeply respected to be the hatchetman for her?

Soon enough, I heard that she had a boyfriend in college. Of course. A fucking choir guy. Of course. This soon became her fiancé. Of course. What I didn’t expect to hear was the crucial communication breakdown. Despite our conversation, her dad had never clued her in to the fact that he and I had ever spoken. She thought I was stalking her, not proceeding with her father’s blessing. Yeesh.

It’s all so mind-bogglingly stupid when you actually type it out. But it had its own internal logic, the overwhelming pressure of a small, single-minded community, and the volatile sloshing hormones to give it enough fuel to go to the moon and back without asking a single question.

There’s no moral here, really. Like so many things that happen in your early twenties, I outgrew courtship, shed that whole social circle, and became a lot happier. Also got a lot more action, though that shouldn’t be surprising. Anything above “nothing” is an improvement.

I found out this week that Amy just had her third kid with the choirboy. Good for her. I hope her daughters have the common decency to shatter a guy’s heart by texting him and then fucking one of his friends like a normal person.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, July 12th
6:10 CT, Crooked Tit Stadium

Jarred Cosart (0-0, 0.00) v. David Price (3-4, 4.18)
The much-awaited Cosart makes his debut tonight against a tough Rays team. High 90’s on the FB, good enough secondary pitches, and so far this year, a newly found maturity. Ace in waiting or just a closer in the making? Who the hell cares. Go get ‘em, kid.

Price has been hurt most of the year but has had success against the Stros in the past, giving up a .130/.174/.374 slash with just a single RBI (Carter) in 25 ABs.

Saturday, July 13th
3:10 CT, Fruit Picked By Poor Migrant Workers Field

Dallas Keuchel (4-5, 4.59) v. Roberto Hernandez (4-10, 4.93)
Well, this is a pretty even matchup. Keuchel’s been the placeholder SP type we expected, probably a 4-5 on any other team, but holding down the middle of the rotation this year. He’s faced the Rays a bit; Zobrist and Sean Rodriguez have both tagged him for doubles. Overall, they’ve got a .903 OPS against him. Ugh.

Hernandez is only 32, but it seems like he’s been in the league forever. Remember when he won 19 (!) games for the Indians. Really. Look it up. Carter is hitting .333 with a homer and no K’s against him, but the team is a collective .167/.278/.522. Guess we need Carter to hit one into the fish tank.

Sunday, July 14th
12:40 CT, I Said No Pulp Asshole Field

Erik Bedard (3-5, 4.67) v. Chris “Sterling” Archer (3-3, 3.59)
That Bedard has been mostly healthy this year is one of my biggest surprises. His inconsistency isn’t. Perhaps that’s cynical of me. Oh well. Only Des Jennings, Luke Scott and James Loney hit him well.

Archer (code name: Duchess) has put up a relatively good year so far. He started the Independence Day game against the Astros, and was sent home with a no-decision. Some way to celebrate the defeat of those aliens by the Fresh Prince. Wallace hit a homer off of him, so there’s that.

Injuries

Astros

Trevor Crowe: Right shoulder sprain. Rehabbing in EST.
Edgar Gonzalez: Right shoulder sprain. Hmm. Suspicious rash of these going around.
Justin Maxwell: Concussion. Thank God Roger Goodell is finally doing something about this.
Alex White: DOA.

Rays

Alex Cobb: Concussion. As a pitcher? Really?
Brandon Gomes: Right lat strain. Do you even lift, bro?
Jeff Niemann (WOOOO RICE!): Out for season (BOOOO RICE!)
Juan Oviedo: TJ Surgery. Unlikely that they’ll start calling in Juan Oviedo Surgery, buddy.

Promotions!

Oh do we have some doozies this time. As if “air conditioning” wasn’t promotion enough.

Saturday: KC & The Motherfucking Sunshine Band in concert!!! And it’s free with your game ticket! It’s two disappointing things for the price of one!

Sunday: DJ Kitty Confetti Globe. This is not actually a series of randomly assembled words, but an actual description of what you’ll receive if you’re not 14 yet.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE
Carly Rae Jepsen post-game concert!!! I really hope she plays Call Me Maybe.

Talk About It In The GAME ZONE!

Astros – Cardinal Preview

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

Submitted by chuck.

July 9 – 10, 2013

Houston Astros (32-57) at St Louis Cardinals (53-34)Read More

Angels @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on June 28, 2013 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

They opened, one-by-one.  Six-by-seven blocks of six-by-seven cubicles (with balcony!), plotted along the inside track of a squared horseshoe; each with a sliding-glass door that stayed stubbornly sealed.  That they could open was an aberration in itself; that mine would open was uncertain at this point.

Because there was plenty to do with the door closed.

***

Sleep was the obvious choice.  The bed looked comfortable, with a heavy white duvet that lay atop what seemed like 14 layers of various thicknesses.  I should simply give in, set a timer for 12 hours and literally double my combined rest from the previous three days.  The work was finished, the week was ending, and all I had to do was drag my sorry ass to the airport in the morning.  But I was hungry.  And thirsty.  And I didn’t want tomorrow to start just yet.  Sleeping isn’t always relaxing.

So I began what has come to be an evening routine while on the road.  Fire up the laptop and find a baseball game on TV.  Maybe listen to an album and click through the bookmarks on my browser.

But I couldn’t concentrate.  Exhaustion deadened my senses as webpages faded in and out without comprehension or focus.  Tiny noises pounded at my eardrums – the click of my mouse, the hum of the air conditioner.  Ants crawled down my limbs yet inside my skin.  I was sleeping, and aware of it.  My eyelids closed, then opened as I fought my delirium.

I  slept more on airplanes in the last week than I did in beds.  But a hotel bed is not what I needed.

I splashed some water on my face and stared in the mirror.  What time is it?  Shit, what day is it?  And where the fuck am I?

I shuffled to the window and threw back the curtain.  Not a window, but a door.  I unlatched the lever and slid it open.  There, outside, was a world unknown to me.  There, outside, was life.

I shut the laptop and threw my cell phones on the bed.  I have a TV at home.  I can check my email tomorrow.  I can sleep when I’m dead.

I left.  My door was open.

***

Friday June 28, 2013 – MMPUS 7pm

Jerome Williams (5-3) vs Bud Norris (5-7)

Saturday June 29, 2013 – MMPUS 3pm

Joe Blanton (1-10) vs Jordan Lyles (4-2)

Sunday June 30, 2013 – MMPUS 1pm

CJ Wilson (7-5) vs Lucas Harrell (5-8)

***

Steelhead Diner came highly recommended by a local, so I pointed my feet in that general direction.  The cool air that billowed in from the water perked me up, and one shoe eventually followed the other as the hotel shrunk behind me.

The boardwalk crawled with tourists, and I slipped through the throng with my head down.  The Public Market sat ahead, empty in the waning evening hours save for a few sweepers and moppers.  The smell of fish hung in the air; a memory of marine life long past and newly present.  If they shut this place down, brought it to the ground and erected a Febreze factory in its place it would still smell like fish for decades to come.

The diner was just around the corner, and I ducked in.  Where I was expecting a greasy counter with a gum-smacking waitress named Flo I found a trendy restaurant and a bartender named Gustav.  This will do.

I ordered a local IPA and a sockeye salmon/white asparagus salad at the bar.  Truffle clam chowder appetizer.  A middle-aged man who looked a lot like Robert Downey Jr. sidled up next to me and ordered a beer.  He pocketed an electric cigarette and started talking.  Robert was in town from Austin for a job interview and was trying to figure out if the move would be worth it.  He clearly thought a lot of himself, and to be honest there was quite a bit to think of him.  He had a hand in Eeyore’s Birthday and Burning Flipside, and we carried the conversation through three beers and out the door.

The two Texans then walked back to the Public Market in search of a man from Killeen.

***

Promotions

Friday – fireworks

Saturday – 10,000 fans get a Home Replica Jersey

Sunday – nothing

***

We found the man from Killeen easily – at a little park in between the market and the boardwalk.  Greg didn’t know us, didn’t care, but was happy to see us.  He ran track back in his high school days and held a record in hurdles a lifetime ago.  I mentioned a mutual acquaintance, my college friend Miguel, whom he recalled in detail from a similar encounter years ago.  We chatted for a few minutes, shook hands, and left him where we found him, both sides richer.

Robert, happy to have made the introduction, gave me a business card and lied that he’d get in touch with me the next time he’s in Houston.  I lied that I’d look forward to it, and we went our separate ways.

***

Injuries

Angels

Peter Bourjos – fibroids

Sean Burnett – hot flashes

Robert Coello – hangnail

Tommy Hanson – irritable bowel syndrome

Ryan Madson – missing left ear

Andrew Taylor – slept in

Jason Vargas – made a funny face so long it stuck

Astros

Trevor Crowe – right shoulder

Edgar Gonzalez – right shoulder

Justin Maxwell – concussion (might be back for the series)

Alex White – do I really have to list him?

***

My door was open.  The balcony wasn’t big, maybe four-by-four feet, but it was big enough for the desk chair.  A woman above me leaned against the rail with a cigarette, a man across the way waited for his wife to get ready, two teenagers to my right looked up from their cell phones.

I cupped my hands together and looked at what the man from Killeen gave me.  Light yet dense, purple but mostly green; a thick grey vapor encircled it as it shrank in my hands.   After four or five minutes, it vanished.  I melted into the chair.

Six-by-seven blocks of six-by-seven cubicles opened, one-by-one, to reveal their inhabitants.  We didn’t know each other, didn’t care, but we were happy to see each other.

Because before us, clearer than any TV, more immediate than any website and more vivid than any dream, the sun set over Puget Sound.

I relaxed.  I slept.

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