contributed by Mr. Happy
7/22 7:10 p.m. CDT Dallas Keuchel (LHP 4-5 4.62) v. Tommy Milone (LHP 8-8 4.24)
7/23 7:10 p.m. CDT Jarred Cosart (RHP 1-0 0.00) v. Jarrod Parker (RHP 6-6 3.95)
7/24 1:10 p.m. CDT Bud Norris (RHP 6-9 3.91) v. A.J. Griffin (RHP 8-7 3.82)
Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
You gotta have somethin’
If you wanna be with me
Dark Star gave me this assignment about six weeks ago, so I have been eagerly awaiting the pitching matchups to be announced. Sadly and inexplicably, both teams waited until the last fucking minute to release the names of their series probables, which complicated and significantly raised the difficulty level of the job of yours truly. But I rose to the occasion, all for the good of the SnS order.
Sphinx Drummond suggested that as long as I wrote about all the drugs that I used and girls that I boned, you all could fill in the rest. However, I wanted to rant about a few other things, so drunken, drugged out fuck stories will have to wait until next time. Well, maybe I’ll regale you with one such story, but that’ll depend upon how I feel at the end.
First, a few choice words about the shittiest home venue in MLB: the Colishiteum (no, I will not pimp the name of the name sponsor du jour of that dump — if I was in upper management of the sponsor, I’d strongly consider ceasing the association of my company with such an eyesore — as if the sponsor was anything special-it’s just a fucking letter in the alphabet–BFD). Having lived in the Bay Area for several years, I had frequent occasion to traipse across the bay and take in many games both in SFO and OAK. The two yards couldn’t be any more different if you tried.
AT&T Park (yeah, I’ll pimp them because the yard is great, and they’re the official cellular, phone and internet service provider for the Happy family) is one of the finest yards in the Show. We used to take the ferry across the bay from Vallejo to the Embarcadero and walk down to the yard, by-passing the traffic snarls and SFO parking robber barons, who can go fuck themsleves. 24/7.
Don’t even get me started about having to pay for parking, which offends me each and every time I am forced to do so. Chuck will quickly point out that I am a hayseed neck from the country, but I didn’t pay for parking until I was in my early 20’s. The first time that I was told that I had to put money in the meter in New Orleans, I told the meter to fuck off and went about my merry way.
Of course, there was a parking ticket on my windshield when I returned to my vehicle. This royally pissed me off. I found the meter maid and, essentially foaming at the mouth, expressed indignation and threw expletives at her like they were free samples at Costco. I literally bitched her up one street and down the other, finally eating the ticket in front of her. Those were the days!
The AlDaviseum is a football stadium. End of story. However, baseball history has been made there, as greats from Catfish Hunter to Mr. October to Blue Moon Odom to Bert Campaneris to Vida Blue plied their craft to great success there under the watchful eye of one Charles O. “Charlie” Finley, the colorful former owner of the team, now deceased. That place has no feel, no culture associated with it. It lacks the joie de vive that I find associated with most big league parks, even the dump that is Wrigley Field. It’s just, well, the Dumpaseum.
But this series will be played at MMPUS, and most of you will not be able to watch it unless you have the MLB Extra Innings package. In the season series, the Astros are o-fer against the Athletics, as in 0-9. Swept thrice, twice in April and once in May, the Astros have been outscored 68-31 in the season series through nine games. Harrell (in the dog house for having a bad attitude—that kid needs to grow up) and Norris both have lost twice against the A’s. The ageless (and probably chemically enhanced) Bartolo Colon is 3-0 against the Good Guys. Bartolo Fucking Colon. Thankfully for us, we will miss Colon this time because he pitched on Sunday.
Collectively, the Athletics are hitting .301 with 13 bombs and 65 ribbies in nine games against the Astros this season. Conversely, the A’s pitching has held the Astros to a .248 BAA, although they have allowed the Astros ten long balls. Meanwhile, Astros pitching has limped to a 0-9 7.15 with a pathetic 1.821 WHIP against the A’s, allowing 96 hits and 62 earnies in 78 innings, which, well, isn’t good.
Pitching Matchups
We have dueling portsiders in the series opener. Dallas Keuchel, who is Monday’s Astros starting pitcher, is 0-1 5.25 in 12 innings over three appearances against the Athletics, one of which was a start, pitching to a BAA of .327 and a WHIP of 1.417 against the Athletics this season. The A’s are hitting .333 (17-51) against Keuchel for his career. As expected, several A’s see Keuchel pretty well. Nate Freiman (2-3 with a tater), Yoenis Cespedes (3-4), Seth Smith (3-6 with a bomb) and Coco Crisp (2-5) have had success against Keuchel.
The A’s starter, portsider Tommy Milone, is 1-0 4.61 against the Astros in two starts this season. J.D. Martinez (3-8) and Matt Dominguez (1-6) have taken Milone deep. Brandon Barnes (2-6), Jose Altuve (3-11) and Ronny “there’s no reason for my being on the roster” Cedeno (2-6) also have had some success against Milone.
The A’s haven’t seen Tuesday’s pitcher, Jarred Cosart, yet. The only Astro with any ABs against Jarrod Parker, Carlos Pena, is 1-5 with a two bagger, a free pass and three strike outs. So we don’t have a fucking clue as to what will happen Tuesday night except that Pena will have a multiple strikeout game and possibly walk once.
Wednesday’s matinee matchup, A.J. Griffin v. Bud Norris, is a study in contrast of results. Griffin is 2-0 4.61 against the Astros, while David Stefan “Bud” Norris is 0-2 11.37 against the A’s this season. Norris has pitched to a horrific BAA of .355 and an astronomical WHIP of 2.368 against the A’s this season. The Astros are hitting .256 (11-43 with three homers) against Griffin. Jason Castro (3-6 with two bombs) and Matt Dominguez (1-4 with a long ball) have taken Griffin deep. The Astros have had some success against Griffin, who has surrendered six earnies in 11.2 innings of work.
Meanwhile, Bud Norris probably is not looking forward to Wednesday’s game. The A’s are hitting .294 (15-51) with four home runs career against Norris. Jed Lowrie (2-3), Seth Smith (3-7), Coco Crisp (1-3) and John Jaso (2-6) have taken Norris deep.
Injury Report
Athletics
LHP Brett Anderson (sprained right ankle, stress fracture in right foot) went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to April 30, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on June 14. He is expected to be back in mid-August.
OF Yoenis Cespedes (left wrist soreness) was a very late scratch, right before game time on July 19 and hasn’t been back in the lineup through Saturday’s game.
2B Scott Sizemore (torn left anterior cruciate ligament) went on the 15-day disabled list April 10, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on April 22. He had season-ending surgery April 16.
Former Astro RHP Fernando “Angel of Doom” Rodriguez (torn ulnar collateral ligament in right elbow) went on the 60-day disabled list March 23. He had season-ending Tommy John surgery March 25.
Jarrod Parker (hamstring)-day-to-day. He threw a bully session on Friday.
Astros
Chris Carter (ankle) was back in the starting lineup July 19.
OF Trevor Crowe (right shoulder sprain) went on the 15-day disabled list on June 21. There is no timetable for his return.
RHP Edgar Gonzalez (Mr. Happy eye strain) went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to May 26. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for his return.
RHP Alex White (Tommy John surgery in April 2013) went on the 60-day disabled list March 30. He is out for the season.
Promotions
Coca Cola Value Days for every game. You’ll get nothing and like it.
Series Prognostication
A’s sweep again.
Lagniappe: Obligatory Drugged Out Story
I had to search for a story (a) worth telling, (b) that I remembered, (c) that tied into the series and (d) funny, all at the last minute. So, here goes. No promises that it’ll tie into this series preview. This one goes back to when Xanax (alprazolam) was released in the early 1980’s. I had a girlfriend at the time (who was as into drugs and having fun as I was—she was my pot source—it always helps to date your dealer) who had a prescription for Xanax, which she’d share with me. Plus she dealt it.
I fucking loved Xanax the very first time; I always took them to excess. I liked how whole periods of time would simply fucking disappear or just be displaced in my brain. If you’ve had as much of your life gaps filled in by onlookers as I have because of Xanax, then you’d understand that I consider myself as floating above my body for much of my life. However, this story involved the intersection of Xanax, marijuana and Everclear.
Allie (not her real name) and I took off on a road trip to Florida to go to the beach for a few days of R&R. Armed with a boatload of cash (drug dealing paid very well), sleeping bags, several bottles of Everclear, a bunch of Xanax (and Allie had even stolen some of mom’s Xanax for the trip), a whole pound of some of the best marijuana that I had ever experienced and a map of beach houses that had hot outside showers (but no place to stay), we set off on I-10 eastbound for the Sunshine State.
We almost didn’t make it there because we were pulled over near Biloxi MS for speeding and improper lane changes. Thankfully, Allie (who was driving and rolling joints simultaneously-multi-talented) sweet-talked the state highway patrolman and walked away with a warning and, more importantly, no search of the vehicle.
We arrived at the beach in Pensacola and set up shop there on a remote part of the beach, openly drinking, throwing Xanax back like they were candy, swigging Everclear, smoking big old blunts and fucking in one of the sleeping bags like we owned the place. We had a number of very close calls about the marijuana as there were complaints of pot smoke coming from our direction.
However, Allie, a drop-dead gorgeous southern belle debutante gone bad who would eventually get busted for dealing a few years after we broke up (which was over my drug bill that was eating into her profit) but who was still living a charmed life, simply and professionally sweet-talked each and every investigator. Allie could keep her shit together and pitch from life’s stretch long after I was incoherent.
She would be as fucked up as I was (if not more so—she could clear a bong like nobody’s business) and still be able to hold a conversation with someone—probably all of that deb training. Because of the drugs and alcohol, I really don’t remember how many days we stayed there, although it was long enough for my white ass to start peeling while we were still there.
One of the few things that I actually remember from that trip was my utter and complete embarrassment at being so fucked up that I was physically unable to perform when called upon. Yep. I was on the PUP list. However, at 53, I look back on that experience as training for middle age without the assistance of Viagra or Cialis (which fucking health insurers won’t cover—don’t get me started on those bastards). I’ve learned to never pass up a bathroom.
How does this story tie into the A’s series? It probably doesn’t, unless you use your imagination, because that’s what it will take for the Astros to win a game in it. Come check us out in the GameZone.