When you take this stuff day by day, you live and die with it in the beginning. After a while the ups and downs get smoothed out a little, even if there are more of one than the other. As long as expectations are not shattered, things don’t stray too far out of whack, well then the little anomalies are more like gravel in the road than speed bumps that you notice and slow down for.
Then one day you wake up and you find out that a scientist in Eastern Europe has perfected a way to shrink individual atoms on a permanent basis. In a coma as a result of an assassination attempt while being spirited away to the West, it’s has fallen to the CMDF (Combined Miniaturized Deterrent Forces) to remove the clot on Dr. Benes’ brain so the Forces of Truth and Liberty may profit from his discovery.
In much the same way that you might feel about the concept of Raquel Welch as a scientist with a certain amount of ability, you might be surprised to learn that since May 15, the Astros are 16-15. It is true. Welcome…to the Fantastic Voyage.
I’m not suggesting that this team is really a better-than-losing-half-its-games team, no. It’s just that some things are beyond completely unexpected, and even though there’s no way that reality applies here, when the girl smiles at you, even for an instant, you do feel like things are better than they really are.
They sure as hell aren’t doing it with the bats. Over the last month that .233/.285/.380 is below this season’s average by a shade. No, it’s the pitching. Over the last week, team ERA is 2.25; over the last two weeks, 3.23 and over the last month, 3.43. In June, opposing batters have a .665 OPS against the Astro staff.
Of course, most of this is really just the result of a couple of win streaks. From May 27-June 3, the Astros went 7-1 against Colorado and the Angels. June 12-16 they were 4-0 against Seattle and the White Sox. These two streaks bookended an 0-6 stretch against Baltimore, Kansas City and Seattle. There was one 7-2 run through the entirety of 2012 and it was in mid-May, so that year-long stretch of badness shows this latest example of success as the Colossus of Speed Bumps that it is.
I know this isn’t sustainable. Not many of their pitching numbers are, especially among the starters, so no one should misinterpret this as anything more than it is, a manifestation of luck. All I’m saying is that she smiled at you and didn’t look away when you noticed. Go over to her table. Buy her a drink. Right now, in this moment, you’re Superman. Enjoy it while you can.
***
It says a lot, too much really, that year in and year out when we think of the Brewers we think of pure, unbridled hatred for that steaming pile of shit who used to own that team. The shambling, mumblemouthed heyboy who cheerfully takes every single arrow he can get in front of while he searches for more ways to debase himself in service to the Dollar and the rich men who jerk his strings. High atop his shine box, he is proud to take a public teabagging if it means that his masters enjoy even a slight increase to their control over revenue streams. Frankly, I’m surprised he’s shown the restraint he has in not pursuing even stronger methods of Almighty Buck Enhancement for the Lords of Baseball. Why pace this march? There’s money left in wallets all across America, and no end to the suckers who’ll gladly give it over!
No, it’s time to look forward. The past is over. No reason to let bad feelings fester.
Milwaukee Brewers vs. Houston Astros
Tuesday, June 18, 7:10 PM, Minute Maid Park
Alfredo Figaro, 1-0, 3.47 vs. Jordan Lyles, 3-1, 3.48
Promotion: Coca-Cola Value Days
Milwaukee Brewers vs. Houston Astros
Wednesday, June 19, 7:10 PM, Minute Maid Park
Kyle Lohse, 2-6, 3.84 vs. Erik Bedard, 2-3, 4.82
Promotion: Coca-Cola Value Days
Milwaukee Brewers vs. Houston Astros
Thursday, June 20, 1:10 PM CDT, Minute Maid Park
Yovani Gallardo, 6-6, 4.41 vs. Lucas Harrell, 5-7, 4.48
Promotion: Drawstring Bag Presented By MLB Network
Hot damn, a drawstring bag. Perfect for slipping over our tormentor’s head before he’s knocked unconscious with a hammer and thrown in the trunk. You don’t have to drive far in this town to find an overgrown, swampy area thick with mosquitoes and growth that hides the abandoned cinderblock storage units. He won’t miss the lack of air conditioning or light, because there’s a gap in one of the boards that covers a sliver of the ceiling that pulled away when the soft ground settled. Those rats? They’re his friends. They give him little kisses at night, on his toes, his thighs, his fingers, his ears. The kisses stung in the beginning but not so much anymore, not when his stomach has distended from the meager scoop of cold, maggoty cereal that is dropped into his dark little domain from time to time. Not like time means anything any more – it’s been more than weeks, but there’s really no way to know how long he’s been here.
Too weak to try to make any noise, he sometimes thinks of when his arms will be able to slip out of the zip ties that are laced through the metal cables that hold him in the box. By then he’ll probably be too weak to stand though, and that sliver of daylight was already out of reach when he could stand upright. And it’s so hot in here.
The first few times they slid the locks and came inside to piss in his mouth it stung so badly he convulsed across the floor and sobbed until the pain from where they had cut out his tongue had subsided. Watching the rats nibble bit by bit on the lump of flesh in front of him left him strangely detached. After the full day of throaty noise he’d managed to howl through the swelling and agony, of course. Now he welcomes their visits to give him water, because it’s so hot, so hot in here and his throat hurts so much…
Sometimes it’s not nice when my mind wanders.