By Craig Elliott

Yeah baby, that’s the way to run those fucking shitbird Jakes outta town! It may have been a short series, but it sure felt good to see a couple of wins against the Co-Ards. The Astros are off to their best start ever at 19-9. Lance Berkman took over the Major League lead in RBIs, and he’s tied for third in homers. Berkman is also third in the NL in batting average, right ahead of … BRAD AUSMUS! Ah-hahahaha! And Ausmus is second in the league in OBP, right behind Pujols. OMFG.

No time to rest though, because now it’s off to Denver. Believe it or not, at 16-13 the Rukkakies are tied for first in the NL West. Which is roughly equivalent to fourth in the Central. They just split a pair with the soon-to-suck Reds. Colorado has been hurt with injuries and odd ailments this year, and Todd Helton should be back for this series.

When:
Friday, May 5, 8:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, May 7, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Saturday’s games will be on the Colorado feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Coors Field

No offense to “Nate in Co,” but I fucking hate Denver sports fans. I knew several when I lived out west, and they’re like a cross between Cubs fans and Aggies. They have this creepy attachment to teams that suck, with a healthy dose of Aggie cult behavior. And they all want to call and talk on AM radio.

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By Craig Elliott

I and I just split a series with the Brewers, which included a nice short-Sheet prank on Tuesday. Lance Berkman cooled off a little, in part because he keeps stopping to pick up pretty rocks on the basepaths. Wandy took a tough loss on Monday, but Nieve got his first big-league win.

I had to listen to Bob Eucker do the Tuesday game on XM, and he’s almost as bad as Milo. He was caught in mid-story at the end of the game, and just blew off the final out and went on with his rambling. It was like, “So Joe Niekro … I think he was with the Astros then … empties his pockets and out pops the emery board … Gross flies out to Taveras to end the game … and so Niekro was caught red-handed … wasn’t he with the Astros then? … I can’t remember … anyway …”

Anyway, the 3rds just got swept in a two-game series by the not-yet-sucking Reds, though to be fair, PooHoles, Edmonds, and Rolen all missed the second game. Both the Astros and 3rds are currently looking up at the pimply, misshapen asses of the Cincinnati Reds, but hey, it’s early May. By August the Reds will be just another cinnamony turd floating down the Ohio River.

When:
Wednesday, May 3, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN2

MLB Extra Innings – Both games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Thursday’s game will also be on ESPN2, unless they’re showing a nail-gun tournament or something.

The channel here in Arkansas that carries Astros games is a rinky-dink little station out of Little Rock. They have lots of crappy local commercials, but by the end of the game, it’s like they run out of advertisements. So they just stay with the live feed while the Astros announcers think they’re off the air. It’s great listening. The other day against the Brewers, JD started humming “Roll Out the Barrel,” then when told to do the disclaimer after the commercial, said: “Disclaimer? I hardly even know her!”

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are home for two quick games with the Co-Ards, then it’s on the road again for a whirlwind tour of most of the NL West. Yvette will be giving away “K” cards Wednesday, so we can help NLCS MVP Roy Oswalt greet the Jakes in style.

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By Craig Elliott

It’s always fun to visit the Great American Shitstain in April, when the Reds’ pathetic chili-ruining fans still think their team is going somewhere this season. If they can still sniff first place when the Astros come back in late August, I’ll personally eat some of their shitty-ass chili. (Actually I won’t. I’d rather drink water straight from the Ohio River than ingest some of that fecal noodle soup.)

So anyway, enough about the pissant Reds. Get ready for a dizzying array of opponents, as the Astros face five different teams over the next 11 days. And they only have one day off – May 18 – for the entire fucking month. Next Monday was supposed to be an off-day, but instead we’ll see the Astros finishing up that rainy series in San Francisco.

First though, it’s time for a quick set with the Brewers. They started the season hot, winning their first five games, but have been sub-.500 since then and sit three games out. Ben Sheets is back now, but he’s come up short in two of his three starts. He also has this long hair and shitty beard thing going now.

The Brewers took two of three from the sCrubs over the weekend, and outscored them 25-2 in the last two games. They’re also leading the league in homers with 38. Carlos Lee has 10 of those homers, and Bill Hall and Prince Fielder have five each.

The Astros are still near the top of the Central, thanks to daily bombs from Lance Berkman and some excellent pitching from most of the starters. The bullpen has been rattled more than the salt shakers at an ALS convention, but hopefully Garner’s steady hand will soon prevail. The Astros are also third in the league in homers.

The Astros can finally start talking with Team Bastard (no relation) and The Racket again. Better put fresh batteries in the Hype-ometer. Christ, shut up and pitch already.

When:
Monday, May 1, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Tuesday, May 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Both games will be broadcast on the Wisconsin feed. Hey serving wench, cheese and brats for all my men! And while you’re at it, bring along some Lipitor and Pepcid.

Where: Miller Park

The Brewers were going to let Brett Favre throw out the opening pitch, but changed their minds because everyone figured Brad Ausmus would just intercept it and run it back for a touchdown.

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By Foghorn

The Basics

What:  Astros/Giants 3-Game series

When:  Tuesday, April 11th at 9:15, FSSW
Wednesday, April 12th at 9:15, FSSW
Thursday, April 13th at 2:35, FSSW

Where:  Pac Bell Park.  Home of McCovey Cove, garlic fries and BalcoBrand Nachos, which tops a generous pile of tortilla chips with a mixture of queso, the Clear, the Cream, and concentrated testosterone.  Interesting enough, in addition to causing fewer gastrointestinal problems than Sheriff Blaylock’s, it also packs on 15 pounds of muscle.  Tastes better too.

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By Foghorn

The Basics

What:        Astros/Reds 3-Game series

When:      Friday, April 28th at 6:10, FSSW
Saturday, April 29th at 12:15, FSSW
Sunday, April 30th at 12:15, FSSW

Where:      The Great American Shitstain.  Smokestacks, shitty chili and venereal disease.  What a worthless town.  Queen City my ass.

I’ve told this story before but it bears repeating. I was in Dayton on business and it so happened that I could adjust my schedule to see Opening Day back in 1998.  Well, parking was non-existent and I didn’t feel like walking over the bridge from Kentucky so I blew off the game, found a BW3 near the University of Cincinnati and watched the game from the bar.  Or at least tried to.  I ordered some wings and a margarita and none of the three bar tenders there new how to make a fucking margarita.  They didn’t even have a recipe book they could use.  Fucking worthless town.

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By Foghorn

The Basics

What:        Astros/Dodgers 3-Game series

When:      Monday, April 24th at 7:05, KNWS-51
Tuesday, April 25th at 7:05, FSSW
Wednesday, April 26th at 7:05, FSSW

Where:      MMPUS, where I’ll be attending my first game of the year on Monday night.  My 4 year old daughter will be making her first trip of the year as well.  Over/under on how many innings we?ll stay before she starts getting cranky because she’s tired = 6.  We’ll have our normal ballpark dinner – a footlong dog cut in half, she gets ketchup while I get mustard, onions, relish and jalapenos.  A large Coke and we’ll get a frozen lemonade around the third inning.  About $15 for all that.

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