By Craig Elliott

After Monday’s nice win against Washington, the Astros spent the next three games looking for their teabags. Or finding them and walking off the mound. The Astros went 1-3 in Washington, and are in danger of dropping below the Brewers in the Central. Now would be a good time for Clemens to quit dicking around and get back with the team, before the fucking Jakes disappear over the horizon.

The Pirates just got swept by the Diamondbacks, and they have the worst record in the National League. Jason Bay leads the team in homers with 13, and RBI with 35. Nancy Wilson also has eight homers. Ian Snell leads the staff with three wins.

When:
Friday, May 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 28, 12:35 p.m. CDT – KNWS

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Pittsburgh Fox affiliate. I predict there will be more Roethlisberger endorsement commercials in each game than innings pitched by the Pirate starter.

Where: PNC Park

If you’re going to any of these games, I hope it’s Saturday so you can get a Mike Gonzalez/Oliver Perez “Fire & Ice” Bobblehead. I’m not sure what that is, but I think it’s like “Dog & Butterfly.”

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By Craig Elliott

Houston took the lead in the series for Das Boot or whatever it is, with Taylor Buchholz stepping on the Rangers’ dicks for nine full innings. It helps relieve some of the sting of getting poled by the Giants, though the bruising may take longer to heal. The Astros are still five games behind the Jakes, and one behind the teetering Reds. This series is the start of a 10-game roadtrip that also stops in Pittsburgh and New Jake City.

The Nationals just won two out of three against the Orioles, but they lost their three previous series. Washington is in fourth place in the NL East, already 10 games behind the goddamn Mets. Left-secondfielder Alfonso Soriano has stopped his whining and is leading the team in homers and RBI.

When:
Monday, May 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 23, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 24, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 25, 12:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All four games will be on the Washington Fox affiliate, whatever it’s called.

Where: RFK Stadium

They broke ground for a new stadium in May. So by Washington standards, it should be finished in about 20 years.

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By Craig Elliott

A great game Sunday by Andy Pettitte leaves the Astros a game behind the second-place Reds. After a six-game losing streak, the Astros came back for a nice series win against Colorado. Ausmus is now tied for sixth in the league in hitting. (Handjob Ramirez is leading with .345). Now it’s time for the Traveling Steroid Carnival and Circle Jerk, compliments of FrankenBarry and ESPN.

The Giants just lost two of three to the Dodgers, and they’re in the cellar of the NL West. But only four game back. But no one will notice anything the Giants do until Barry hits his two fucking homers. If he hits the homers back-to-back, it might bring ESPN to its knees … if they weren’t already there.

When:
Monday, May 15, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 16, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. And on every square inch of ESPN while Bonds is batting.

Where: MMPUS

If Garner calls for an intentional walk to Bonds and anyone boos, the person booing should get a cockpunch from Junction Jack. And a kiss on the mouth from Wandy.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros were having one steaming pile of a road trip until Wandy drove the bus home Thursday. And we’ve all seen enough Jeff Kent to last a season. But on the bright side, Brad Ausmus is second in the league in hitting.

Anyway, it’s those goddamned Rockies again. But if my handy mousepad-schedule is correct, this is the last time the Astros will have to look at the Pebbles this year.

After sweeping the Astros last weekend, the Rockies lost two of three to the Jakes, but they’re still leading the West. Todd Helton is healthy again, and Matt Holiday is leading the team in homers (10) and RBI (33). He’s also batting .481 over his last 14 games.

When:
Friday, May 12, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, May 14, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday’s game will be on the Rocky Mountain version.

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are starting a nine-game homestand, and it’s about time. After the Rockies series, get ready for Barry’s Circus, followed by the Rangers. On Sunday, there’s a Mother’s Day special, where moms get to walk the bases (courtesy of Brad Lidge), and then they all get free massages. So remember to bring Mom to the game, but she may need a cold shower afterward.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros have lost four straight since last week, and there are three games left on the roadtrip before a weekend homestand. They’ve rallied late in the past two games, but just a little too late. Now it’s time for a late-night series with the Dodgers. Thursday’s game is a day-game though, so set the TiVO.

The Dodgers just swept the Brewers, but before that they were swept in two-game series by both the Padres and Snakes. The Dodgers have been slipping in the West standings while the Rockies, D-Backs, and Padres have all been hot.

When:
Tuesday, May 9, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 10, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 11, 2:10 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the L.A. broadcast, so maybe you’ll get to hear Vin Scully. Though last year he was butchering Astros’ names.

Where: Dodger Stadium

Dodger fans have finally started showing up on time, since Jeff Kent called them all pussies for not hustling.

Well, not really. But they are still pussies.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost a disappointing series to the Rockies, while the Giants lost all three to the Phillies. In fact, they’re 1-6 this month.

The Giants are getting banged up with injuries (Moises Alou) but the spotlight is all on FrankenBarry again. But the Astros website says Barry probably won’t play today, I guess because of the late game at Philly last night. Or he got one of his huge man-teats caught in a wringer or something.

When:
Monday, May 8, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The game will be broadcast on the side of Barry Bonds’  giant fucking head by Bay Area Fox. Settle in for late-night broadcasts all week, by the way, because Dodger Stadium is next.

Where: AT&T Park

Well we know they don’t have a roof. Reception is probably better that way.

The Giants have slipped below .500 and are bringing up the rear in the NL West. So to speak.

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