By Craig Elliott
After Monday’s nice win against Washington, the Astros spent the next three games looking for their teabags. Or finding them and walking off the mound. The Astros went 1-3 in Washington, and are in danger of dropping below the Brewers in the Central. Now would be a good time for Clemens to quit dicking around and get back with the team, before the fucking Jakes disappear over the horizon.
The Pirates just got swept by the Diamondbacks, and they have the worst record in the National League. Jason Bay leads the team in homers with 13, and RBI with 35. Nancy Wilson also has eight homers. Ian Snell leads the staff with three wins.
When:
Friday, May 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 28, 12:35 p.m. CDT – KNWS
MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Pittsburgh Fox affiliate. I predict there will be more Roethlisberger endorsement commercials in each game than innings pitched by the Pirate starter.
Where: PNC Park
If you’re going to any of these games, I hope it’s Saturday so you can get a Mike Gonzalez/Oliver Perez “Fire & Ice” Bobblehead. I’m not sure what that is, but I think it’s like “Dog & Butterfly.”
Projected Matchups
Taylor Buchholz (3-3, 4.35) v. Ian Snell (3-3, 5.74)
Buchholz had an excellent start against the Pirates in April, giving up only two hits and no runs in 8.2 innings. He also recorded five strikeouts and no walks. The only Pirates to get hits off him were Ann Wilson and Jeromy Burnitz.
Snell got the loss in the same game, and is 1-2 against Houston overall. However, he’s gone 3-1 since the Astros beat him in April. Current Astros are 18-for-69 against Snell, with 15 strikeouts, eight walks, and no homers. WillyT is 4-for-7 against him, Berkman is 3-for-7, and Ensberg is 4-for-9. Palmeiro is 2-for-2 with a walk. Ausmus, Everett, Wilson, Bruntlett, and Lane are a combined 0-for-22 (Bruntlett is 0-for-3 with three strikeouts).
Wandy Rodriguez (6-2, 3.88) v. Paul Maholm (2-4, 4.33)
Wandy is leading the team in wins and is tied for second in the league. He’s 2-0 against the Pirates, including a win earlier this year when he gave up 1 ER in six innings. Current Bucs are 15-for-54 (.278) against Wandy, with homers from Jason Bay and Jeromy Burnitz. Burnitz is only 1-for-13 against Wandy overall, with three strikeouts. Bay is 3-for-6, Dirty Freddy Sanchez is 2-for-3, and Nate McLouth is also 2-for-3.
Maholm’s only start against Houston was in April, when he lasted three innings and gave up 5 ER. The Astros only have 14 AB against him, but they have seven hits and four walks. Biggio homered off him, and Burke doubled.
Fernando Nieve (1-3, 5.36) v. Oliver Perez (2-5, 5.04)
Nieve was solid in his last start, going seven innings and giving up only 2 ER on three hits, but he still took a tough loss. He also had two strikeouts and no walks.
Perez is 2-1 against the Astros, but hasn’t faced them yet this season. Current Astros only bat .188 (12-for-64) against Perez. Biggio is 3-for-11 (.273) against Perez, with two doubles and a homer. Palmeiro is 2-for-6, Wilson is 1-for-8, and Lamb is 1-for-7. Berkman is 1-for-6. Willy, Lane, Burke, Bruntlett, and Ausmus are a combined 0-for-13.
Key injuries:
Houston – Lance Berkman is questionable after hyperextending his knee. Sounds like he’ll miss at least a couple games. Jeff Bagwell and Brandon Backe are getting fitted for tuxes and practicing the Traveling Horseshit Opera.
Pittsburgh – Jody Gerut is probably out for the season because his tit is in a wringer. He was offered a promotion from Pittsburgh to AAA, but filed a grievance and said he was injured. So who the fuck knows. Kip Wells, John Van Benschoten, Joe Randa, Sean Casey, and Bryan Bullington are all out until sometime in June.
Other shit
* The Cubs are sucking more ass than Ken Lay on his first night in prison. They just got swept by the Marlins, and there are grumblings about a fire sale. A swoon before June.