By Craig Elliott

The Astros had plenty of chances to win Game One, but Joe “Dirt” Crede always seemed to be standing right in the fucking way. Losing our starter after two innings also sucked, though Clemens wasn’t too sharp anyway.

Still, the Sox look beatable, and the Astros can even it up today and bring the Series home to Houston. And we’ve got to have these wins when Pettitte and Oswalt pitch, especially if Roger can’t come back at full strength.

When:
Sunday, October 23, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: U.S. Cellular Field

Well it looks bone-ass cold there, but hey, it’s October. Too bad about Roger’s hamstring, but not a surprise, I guess. And it couldn’t have helped when Asswipe Pierzynski bailed out halfway through a pitch.

The Weather Channel says there’s a 60% chance of rain in Chicago for Game Two, with a temperature in the 40s. So it’ll be even colder and shittier than last night.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Before we get to the Game One preview, let’s pause a minute and consider what the Astros have done so far. All our division and league rivals have been conquered and sent home for the year. The Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, Mets, Reds, Dodgers, Cubs – everyone else in the National League – done. Next year when we visit, they have to call us the National League Champion Houston Astros. (Or even better, the World Series Champions).

National League Champion Houston Astros. Oh yeah. There’s a new sheriff in town, boys. Unfortunately, because of marketing agreements and promotional considerations, it’s Sheriff Blaylock. But what the hell, eat some more nachos or something.

I don’t know much about the White Sox, but they sound like a freak show. Ozzie Guillen practices Santeria and hangs with Hugo Chavez. Everyone says A.J. Pierzynski is an asshole. They have Crazy Carl Everett. The White Sox are like the Island of Misfit Toys, except they also kill chickens.

But they destroyed the American League, their last four ALCS starters all went the distance, and their bullpen hasn’t pitched since Labor Day.

When:
Saturday, October 22, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: U.S. Cellular Field

I think technically it’s called New Comiskey, but its corporate whore-name is Cellular.

They’ve been giving out Ozzie Guillen masks all over town, so don’t be surprised if the stands look like Lima Time multiplied by Chicago. This is the city’s first World Series in 46 years, which seems roughly equal to the same time Houston has waited. But you have to remember that Houston only has one baseball team, and Chicago has one and a half.

And by the way, the Cubs are totally fucked now because if they ever do find a lucky goat again, Ozzie Guillen will just cut its heart out and drape its entrails around Wrigley like Venezuelan bunting.

In fact, they thought about having Ozzie sacrifice a virgin before the World Series, but nobody wanted to drive to Wisconsin to get one.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

OK, we’ll do it the hard way. You want revenge on the Jakes? Fine, we’ll serve it up cold. Cold as the tits on every old granny sitting under a blanket at Busch tonight.

The Astros just need one fucking win, and Roy Oswalt is taking the hill. Let’s take the pennant right now and forget about Game Seven. 27 outs to go – make sure every damn one counts.

When:
Wednesday, October 19, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: Busch Stadium

It is time to shut this old whore down. I am so fucking sick of hearing about Old ‘n Busted Busch that I can take cookie-cutter shits. Kinda soulless, but at least they’re proportional.

Next week is too late to retire this old skank. Shut ‘er down tonight.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Alright Astros fans, the moment is at hand. The 3rdinals are ready to drop and it’s time for the knockout punch. The Astros have got three games to do it, but fuck that. Today’s the day to put the Jakes on the deck. Right now. End it here, tonight, and claim the team’s first National League pennant.

It won’t be easy, because Chris Carpenter is pitching for St. Louis. The Co-Ards are cornered and desperate, and they’re going to be pull every bizarro stunt in the Tank Commander’s playbook to try to steal this game.

But the Astros are countering with Starin’ Andy Pettitte, who is made to pitch in games like this. So pull your hat down low and give ’em the ol’ stinkeye – today’s the day we drag the Jakes kicking and whining to the chopping block. And drop the ax on their bulging, twitching necks.

When:
Monday, October 16, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

This should be a wild one today. I hope you got a ticket.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Game Three win was huge, but today’s game is even bigger. With a victory today the Astros take a commanding lead, and mash a boot down on the Co-Ards’ spasming creaky neck. But an Astros’ loss means it’s a three-game series with two left at Busch.

Suddenly the Jakes are looking as old ‘n busted as their piece-of-shit stadium, but don’t count the fuckers out yet. They might be lulling us to sleep, because I’ve heard they’re sneaky like that. Anyway, you know these freaks can explode at any moment, and they probably will soon.

Today’s the day to take control of the series. The Jakes’ legs are getting wobbly, and it’s time to put them on the ropes.

When:
Sunday, October 16, 3:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

LaGenius was bitching about home plate umpire Wally Bell BEFORE Game Three started. Said he was concerned that Bell’s strike zone would be affected by the crowd, or some shit. For an encore, today he’ll call the ump a cocksucker when he brings out the lineup card.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Well now, the coronation didn’t proceed as expected. While the Co-Ards were posing for TV cameras and next year’s figurines, Roy Oswalt stomped on their dicks and evened up the series. And now everyone comes back to Houston for a good Rogering.

Roger Clemens pitching at home on Saturday – what are the odds? After last weekend’s amazing performance, I’m guessing the crowd will be pleased to see him again. Congratulations to those who get to go in person; I hope it’s louder than a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings.

When:
Saturday, October 15, 3:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

I’ve never paid much attention to the uniform rotation and which jersey gets worn on which day. But it seems like the red jersey/black cap combo is working, and I hope they stick with it.

By the way, to those in attendance today, please remember that the louder you cheer, the more you’ll drown out Fox?s fuckwit broadcast team. I would love to hear bedlam instead of Steve Lyon’s Woody Woodpecker laugh. Or maybe it’s that other guy. One of those fucking idiots.

Read More