By Craig Elliott
Before we get to the Game One preview, let’s pause a minute and consider what the Astros have done so far. All our division and league rivals have been conquered and sent home for the year. The Cardinals, Braves, Phillies, Mets, Reds, Dodgers, Cubs – everyone else in the National League – done. Next year when we visit, they have to call us the National League Champion Houston Astros. (Or even better, the World Series Champions).
National League Champion Houston Astros. Oh yeah. There’s a new sheriff in town, boys. Unfortunately, because of marketing agreements and promotional considerations, it’s Sheriff Blaylock. But what the hell, eat some more nachos or something.
I don’t know much about the White Sox, but they sound like a freak show. Ozzie Guillen practices Santeria and hangs with Hugo Chavez. Everyone says A.J. Pierzynski is an asshole. They have Crazy Carl Everett. The White Sox are like the Island of Misfit Toys, except they also kill chickens.
But they destroyed the American League, their last four ALCS starters all went the distance, and their bullpen hasn’t pitched since Labor Day.
When:
Saturday, October 22, 6:30 p.m. CDT – Fox
Where: U.S. Cellular Field
I think technically it’s called New Comiskey, but its corporate whore-name is Cellular.
They’ve been giving out Ozzie Guillen masks all over town, so don’t be surprised if the stands look like Lima Time multiplied by Chicago. This is the city’s first World Series in 46 years, which seems roughly equal to the same time Houston has waited. But you have to remember that Houston only has one baseball team, and Chicago has one and a half.
And by the way, the Cubs are totally fucked now because if they ever do find a lucky goat again, Ozzie Guillen will just cut its heart out and drape its entrails around Wrigley like Venezuelan bunting.
In fact, they thought about having Ozzie sacrifice a virgin before the World Series, but nobody wanted to drive to Wisconsin to get one.
Matchup
Roger Clemens (13-8, 1.87 regular season) v Jose Contreras (15-7, 3.61 regular season)
Roger has appeared 39 times against the White Sox for a 20-11 record, but of course none of that was recent. Current Pale Ho’s are 32-for-109 against Clemens. Konerko is their best hitter against him at 8-for-18 (.444), with five doubles and two homers. Another Sock (?) to watch is Joe “Dirt” Crede, who has limited ABs against Clemens but has gone 3-for-5 with two homers.
Also look out for Scott Podsednik, who is 5-for-14 (.357) with a double and a homer, but also has five strikeouts. Jermaine Dye is 6-for-18 with a double and a homer. White Sox who haven’t done so well against Roger include C-4 (3-for-20, .150), Asswipe Pierzynski (1-for-11, .091), and Chris Widger (1-for-9, .111).
The Astros have one total at-bat against Contreras, and it came from – you’re going to love this – Dan Wheeler! He went 0-for-1.
So here’s what I gathered about Contreras from online profiles. He’s a power pitcher who has an excellent splitter than he will use anytime. He can get wild and hurt himself with walks, and can also give up big homers when he leaves the fastball over the middle of the plate. He’s also slow-moving and a weak fielder. He doesn’t have a good pickoff move, so he has trouble holding runners. Time to run, Willy.
Contreras was 15-7 this year with a 3.61 ERA. He pitched 204+ innings and gave up 23 homers, and he had 75 walks and 154 strikeouts.
Players to Watch:
* Adam Everett really stepped up in the NLCS and I’ll bet he shines in the Series too. Plus he gets to play rover in the AL park.
* The bottom of the order was nails in the NLCS, but we’re going to need some more pop from the middle of the order. If Morgan Ensberg and Jason Lane are ever going to get hot and start clubbing homers again, now would be a great time. This being the World Series and all.
* You just know Podsednik is going to be a pain in the ass like David Eckstein. He’s 19-for-62 against Astros pitching, with three homers. He also has 14 strikeouts.
Key injuries:
Houston – Clemens has the bothersome hamstring but he’s pitching through it.
Chicago – Frank Thomas is out until next year.
Other shit
* It seems like two months since we were in the wildcard race with the Phillies. Hell, even the Braves series seems like ancient history.
* I’m pretty sure that if Ozzie Guillen gets tossed from a game, it’s customary to yell “Fuck you, Jobu!”