SEASONS IN HELL, VOL. II, NO. 1

April 23-25, 2010

Pirates (7-8) vs. Astros (5-10)

Pam Gardner’s Boudoir Brick House
501 Crawford
Houston, TX 77002

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REASONS TO BE CHEERFUL, Part 33. They are 4-2 recently, but the Astros started 2010 by going 0-8, which is fucking scary, I don’t care what anyone says. Will they ever win again? Are they a lot worse than even my low pre-season opinion of them? Jesus Christ!

To answer those questions, yes, and maybe. They finally won, and then went on a 4-game winning streak, but I still suspect this Astros team is really, really bad. I think what struck me most about the sorry start was how Lee and Pence totally folded without Berkman in the lineup for an extended stretch. Thanks, guys, for showing what you’re really made of.

The Astros are now back on track for their 65 wins or whatever, but I will not soon forget the stark wake-up call the first eight games of this season turned out to be.

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An 0-8 record to start the season is kind of like waking up on Monday morning and stubbing the fuck out of your toe on the way to the bathroom to take a piss. You knew you should’ve shoved those boots further up under the edge of the bed when you took ‘em off last night, but. . . Goddamn, it’s painful, and you’re thinking, “What a way to start the week, this is probably a vivid precursor to the next five days. Motherfuck!”

After several minutes of impressive if pointless anger directed at inanimate objects, the pain begins to recede a little, and you start to get your perspective back. The stubbed toe is going to be tender well into the coming week, but it doesn’t hurt anymore on its own. Just have to make some adjustments until it heals, and deal with it. Only a pussy whines for very long about a stubbed toe.

A 0-8 record to start the season is sort of like lying in bed asleep at night, and feeling a familiar stirring in your loins. “Oh boy, we’re about to have a sex dream,” your unconscious mind tells you. “Sweet. I wonder who it’ll be this time?”

Will it be an old girlfriend from college? Maybe the really wild one you loved so much even though everyone you knew told you she was wrong, wrong, wrong for you? Will it be the older lady at your church, who always smiles at you and finds socially acceptable ways to put her hands on you whenever you meet? She is very pretty for fifty-whatever, and your secret fantasy is that she is also very uninhibited, once you get away from the Divine Mercy thing your parish is having and find yourself alone with her somewhere. Or, will it be the neighbor down the street’s wife, the one with the sizeable endowments who is always doing something out in the yard, planting hibiscus and shit, and flashing major cleavage, thus spinning you off in a confused mix of lust and guilt every time you see her?

Your sleeping head sinks back into the cool, goose-down pillows, and you wait for your interior movie to start. You’ll happily take any of those options for this evening’s entertainment. Imagine your dismay, then, when you open the bedroom door in your dream and you see lying there, reclining in white silk sheets and staring at you intently, none other than Houston Astros Chief Financial Officer Pam Gardner, clad in a red silk bustier, black garters with snaps, black thong panties, and sheer black hose. A smile steals across her lips as she spies you, and she heartily beckons you to join her in her bed. “Come hither,” she warbles, in a distinctly baritone voice. “Come and get what you have coming to you, boy,” she says, as she luxuriates in the sheets and bats her eyes in your direction. Against all your instincts and all your will, you feel yourself being sucked inexorably toward that bed, and the hideous thing occupying it, who is ready now to satisfy your every desire, even if you really, really would rather she didn’t.

Hey.  It’s a fucking 0-8 record to open the season, baby, and no one ever said it would be pretty.

I went out last night and I got messed up
When I woke up this morning
You shoulda seen what I had in the bed with me
She comes up at me out of the bed
Pulls her hair down over her eyes
Looks at me like a dying can of that commodity meat
And she says, and she says
Woo ee ah ah! [1]

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PITCHING MATCHUPS

Friday April 23, 2010
Game Time: 7:05 p.m. CDT
Television: FISH-HEAD
Promotion: The first 10,000 fans get a 45th Anniversary Blanket, which actually looks pretty cool, only there is no size listed; so don’t be surprised if it turns out to be more like a 45th Anniversary Hand Towel. But the question I have is, 45th Anniversary?? For whatever reason, the franchise is apparently intent now on pretending the first three years of its existence never happened.
Matchup: Pittsburgh – Paul Maholm (1-1, 4.58) Maholm (Mah HALL um) is a decent-looking lefty, a solid middle-of-the-rotation starter like every team needs. If he is ‘on’, he will be hard for the Astros to score on. Of course, pretty much everyone is hard for the Astros to score on. Houston – Roy Oswalt (1-2, 2.37) Roy-O has pitched better his first three starts this season than I can remember in awhile. He’s been the victim of poor run support, but don’t let the W-L record fool you. Oswalt is pitching like the old Oswalt, and that is a very good thing.

Saturday April 24, 2010
Game Time: 6:05 p.m. CDT
Television: FISH-HEAD
Promotion: First 10,000 fans get a Jose Cruz bobble head, which is definitely worth making the trip out to the ballpark for. My only complaint is they didn’t get Cruz’ hair quite right. It’s not nearly big enough.
Matchup: Pittsburgh – Chris Jakubauskas (0-0, 0.00) It is described that his body was discovered by a Brother of the Order, in a perfect state of conservation, 120 years after his death (which occurred in absolute secrecy) – as had been predicted – in a chamber erected by himself as a storehouse of knowledge. It is described that on the sarcophagus in the centre of his crypt were written, among other inscriptions the words, “Jesus mihi omnia, nequaquam vacuum, libertas evangelii, dei intacta gloria, legis jugum,” (being in translation, “Jesus is everything to me, by no means a vacuum/a vacuum by no means exists, the freedom of the good news/gospel, the inviolate glory of god, the yoke of the law”) testifying to the builder’s Christian character. The crypt, according to the description presented in the legend, seems to be located in the interior parts of the Earth, recalling the alchemical motto VITRIOL: “Visita Interiora Terrae Rectificando Invenies Occultum Lapidem (“Visit the Interior Parts of the Earth; by Rectification Thou Shalt Find the Hidden Stone.”). Houston – Wandy Rodriguez (0-2, 4.67) After shaky outings in both his first two starts of 2010, Wandy pitched well last time out, in Chicago. He is 4-4, 4.60 in 11 career starts vs. Pittsburgh.

Sunday April 25, 2010
Game Time: 1:05 p.m. CDT
Television: FISH-HEAD
Promotion: Some bullshit family day discounts, whatever.
Matchup: Pittsburgh – Charlie Morton (0-3, 16.55) In addition to this season’s horrific start, Morton is 0-2, 7.88 in three career starts vs. the Astros. Talk about adding salt to the wound. When it rains it pours, I guess. Houston – Brett Myers (0-1, 4.05) By the late 1970s, his use of cocaine was becoming a serious problem. It affected his ability to maintain an erection. To support himself and his drug habit, he ventured into crime, selling drugs for gangs, prostituting himself to both men and women, and committing credit card fraud and petty theft. In 1976, he met a 16-year old girl who became his girlfriend. After he fell on hard times, he prostituted both her and himself, as well as beating her in public.

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TRANQUILITY LAKES BLUE(AND CLEAR)S, Part 1.

Sam Houston Beltway
Ridin’ on a wet day
Beneath the San Jacinto
Out where the great ship channel flows

Driving past the stadium
I’ll never get in
Listenin’ to Mr. Ray or Mr. Doe
Mindless drivel on the radio

Hey, Pam Gardner, please don’t stop me
Please don’t stop me
Please don’t stop me

Maybe you got a dish
Maybe you got a package on your PC
The only thing that I got
Is the AM in this Mercury

Hey, Pam Gardner, please don’t stop me
Please don’t stop me
Please don’t stop me

In the wee, wee hours
I don’t know what I’m living for
Radio relay towers
‘Sposed to transmit me the final score

But the radio’s jammed up
With talk show dickheads
Just give their take, take, take, take
Who won the game? They never said

Hey, Pam Gardner, please don’t stop me

Hey, somebody tell McLane
Who’s driving his choo-choo train
A Nazi dyke with an MBA
Gonna drive me fucking insane [2]

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INJURIES

Pittsburgh
•Andy Van Slyke, Van Der Sloot La Roche (3B) and Ross Ohlendorf (RHP) are both out with back spasms. At the same time. Hmmmm. (NTTAWWT)

Houston
•Alberto Arias (RHP) – Decent-looking righty relief pitcher, IIRC Cooper overworked him at the end of last season. He is on the 15-day DL with right rotator cuff weakness, and still down in F-L-A trying to work things out. Thanks, Coop!

•Yorman Bazardo (RHP) – Erratic starter/reliever has a strained shoulder, which landed him on the 15-day DL. He should have begun rehab assignments this week.

•Sammy Gervacio (RHP) – Still another right-handed reliever, he of the spastic mound presence. I like having Sammy G. around. He is fun to watch. Too, there is always the chance that, after another of his singular gyrations during and after a meaningless 2-1 pitch, an opponent will stride purposefully out to the mound and kill him. He has been on the 15-day DL with a strained rotator cuff, and is currently rehabbing in Round Rock.

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TRANQUILITY LAKES BLUE(AND CLEAR)S, Part 2.

He will bring happiness in a quote
To him everything is just a joke
And apart from that he’ll hit the ball
Fifty feet over the wall
Yes, he will

Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time
Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time

He’ll go the other way with the pitch outside
Back up the middle if he’s of a mind
Then lay his bat down on the ground
As the bases he circles ‘round

Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time
Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time

He’ll knock in the run with a single thru the hole
Or with a drive off the Chick-Fil-A pole
Puts so much backspin on the ball
It accelerates over the wall
Yes, it will

Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time
Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time

He’ll bring happiness in a quote
To him everything is just a joke
And apart from that he’ll hit the ball
A hundred feet beyond the fucking wall
Yes, he will

Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time
Fly Fat Elvis Airways, he gets around on time

We’ll be flying at an altitude of thirty-nine thousand feet
The Big Fat Puma at your service [3]

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DELIVER ME FROM NOWHERE. The dregs of the NL Central meet up this weekend for a three-game set at MMPUS which will decide absolutely nothing. These games make up the middle section of a home stand which will likely mark the last time until late September – by which time both these clubs should be tied for last, 56½ games out of first place – that Houston fans can watch a home game actually being played outdoors.

The Pirates played pretty well the first couple of weeks of this season, but they often do. Then along about mid-April, reality begins to set in. In fact, right now the two teams are streaking in opposite directions. The Pirates, after sweeping the Dickities at home last weekend, got taken apart by the Brewers. Not only did the Gay Swashbucklers lose all three games to the Gay Brewers in front of the home fans, they did so by the combined score of 1-36. Ouch. That’s some serious pipe-laying going on, there.

Meantime, after a truly horrific start (see above), the Astros have rebounded the last two series. First they dispatched the FTCs two-games-to-one last weekend in the Friendly Concubines; then they slapped the Fish down onto the old newspaper and cut them into filets this week at Minute Mermaid. Or something.

Truth is, I think I learned more about the 2010 Houston Astros during their 0-8 start than I have during this current string of mostly wins. As far as what to expect for the rest of this season, I mean. Maybe for the next several seasons.

This is the first team in the last several mediocre versions of the Astros that actually reminds me of what it was like in the 1970s and the late 80s/early 90s to be a fan of the Houston club. In a way, following teams like those can make one a better baseball fan. Knowing there is no point to it, one can completely shed the guise of the über home team fanboy and all the angst and sturm und drang that goes with that, and instead in a slightly detached way can get a better angle on the baseball itself. I know I have found myself recently appreciating the opposing teams more, and taking more than a passing interest in the other team’s players. While I would much rather be living and dying with a contending team, I am not really enjoying baseball in 2010 any less than I ever have.

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By the way, I can take or leave Bart Enis, but more and more I am thinking I’d like to go a few rounds with Patty Smith. Mmmmmm.

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I was settling in to watch the game the other night, but I was in more than a little pain – I’ve recently taken up tennis again seriously, for the first time in thirty years, and my knees and shoulders in particular are in open revolt against this decision. So I’d come home and gone through my wife’s bag of tricks, the one she keeps hidden in the back of the vanity in the master bathroom, and I fixed myself what she likes to call The Magic Cocktail – couple of Vicodin, backed up with Flexeril and Toradol, all of it washed down with an ice cold Heineken or three – and after awhile I realized how much I was enjoying just watching the game, even though the Astros were losing handily. And I remembered how many evenings I spent just like that back in the old days, under the spell of a sort of pleasant season-long somnolence, while the home team lost mostly, but the baseball was always good, anyway. I don’t think it was the pharmaceuticals – okay, maybe it partly was – but I had a feeling of peace and well-being wash over me the other night. I knew I was good to go for however long it took, watching baseball like this, waiting for the day when the Astros are contenders again, and I can go back to being a results-oriented, angst-ridden fool.

I look forward to that day, but in the meantime I’ll be just fine. And, hey, while you’re up, would you go to the fridge and get me another beer? Thanks.

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Astros get swept by the Gay Buccaroos, 0-3.

Mother, Mother Ocean, I have heard you call
I wanted to sail upon your waters since I was three feet tall
You’ve seen it all, you’ve seen it all

I’ve watched the men who rode you switch from sails to steam
And in your belly you hold the treasures few have ever seen
Most of ’em dreams, most of them dreams

Yes, I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don’t thunder, there’s nothing to plunder
I’m an over forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late

I’ve done a bit of smuggling, I’ve run my share of grass
I made enough money to buy Miami, but I pissed it away so fast
Never meant to last, never meant to last [4]

THE WEATHER

[1] She Said
[2] State Trooper
[3] The Fat Angel
[4] A Pirate Looks At Forty

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Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Commish says “Break up the Astros!”  Unstoppable juggernaut threatens sea life!   Tens of dozens of Marlins fans threatened!  No one actually talks like paper boys, new study shows!

Now that the Cubs are rightly fucked, the boys from Crawford & Texas have returned home to face the Marlins & Pirates in succession.  The 8-5 Marlins arrive in the Bayou City just half a game behind the NL East-leading Phils, and as young and innocent as ever.

Watching the Marlins roster turn over year after year as Jeff Loria send his studs packing for greener pastures is like an experience I had while attending A&M.  Every day, I’d ride my bike past the Animal Sciences Center on my way to class in the Bio/Bio building.  About once a week, there’d be a line of cattle or pigs queued up in a pen outside one particular door next to the loading docks.  One at a time, the livestock were led inside to meet their fate (or become fated meat, if you prefer); meanwhile, all the ones outside remained blissfully unaware of what awaited them in a few minutes.  Well, almost all.

There was always one animal that had suddenly acheived a level of problem-solving ability that we rarely attribute to their kind.  The oppulent food in the feed lot.  The air-tickling-your-ears fun of the ride in the trailer.  The cattle prods.  It finally dawned: whatever they’d been promised, it wasn’t on the other side of that door.  The Other Side held something unspeakable.  And that one animal was sounding the alarm.  The terror of one particularly aware hog still echoes in my ears.

Marlins players are like those animals: trapped in a holding pen, waiting for the chance to become what they’re meant to be: professional baseball players who get paid like professional baseball players.   Sure, Hanley Ramirez and Josh Johnson got paid, but for every one of them, there are three Josh Beckett’s.   It’s a great business plan for the franchise: underspend, over-perform, trade assets, repeat.  The inhumanity is that it denies the average fan any continuity, any rooting joy apart from watching AAA box scores for the signs that someone’s about to hop on the truck from the feed lot to the slaughterhouse.

Probables Pitchers from MLB.com

Tuesday, April 20th.  7:05 PM, MMPUS

Chris Volstad (1-1, 3.46) v. Brett Myers (0-1, 3.46)

Look, ma!  Identical ERAs!  Florida native Volstad is another in the aforementioned long line of homegrown talent to be a big part of the Marlins’ gameplan this year.  He’s faced the ‘stros twice, winning once.  Bourn, Lee and Pence all hit him well.  He’s no looker (every picture I found of him makes it look like someone just explained to him for the first time what a colonoscopy is), so maybe he’s just the slumpbuster that Caballo and Gunther need.

Myers is looking for some run support after tossing a gem against the C0-ards, only to take a loss.  He’s played the Fish alot, bringing a 6-11 record to his first start against his former NL East rivals.   He’s taken a pounding from John Baker, Dan Uggla and Ramirez;  Uggla has five homers against him.  Cody Ross and Emilio Bonifacio are the only schlubs who struggle against him.

Wednesday, April 21st. 7:05 PM, MMPUS

Josh Johnson (1-1, 4.50) v. Budly Norris (1-1, 3.52)

Johnson’s the ace of the Marlins’ staff, and one of the few players old enough to rent a car, so I guess that makes him a veteran.   He’s struggled against the Astros in the past, having yet to post his first win, supplemented by a 7.36 ERA.  Pence has homered off of him, and Q has hit him pretty well, too.

Studly Budly returns to the scene of his first start, hoping that it goes more like his second one.  He was damn good (for a number 4 starter) against the Cards last week; I sense that he may spend this season reminding us of early career Wandy, alternating solid starts with mind-numbing fuckups en route to 10-11 and 4.30 or something.   Hanley and Jorge Cantu have both hit him well, but Chris Coughlin is 0-7 with 3 K’s.  Hopefully Coughlin’s been too busy playing grabass with some other player whose name sounds like an MTV VJ from the 90’s to watch game tape and learn more about Bud.

Thursday, April 22nd. 7:05 PM, MMPUS

Anibal Sanchez (0-1, 6.75) v. Felipe Paulino (0-1, 7.36)

HAHA!  He has a girl name!  Just like Morgan Ensberg!  (Sorry, Mo.  Really, really love the blog.)  Annabelle sucks against everyone but the Good Guys, apparently.  Despite his career-long fight with Persistent Acute Mediocrity, he’s got a sub-1 ERA against us.  Seriously.  Caballo’s only significant stat against him is a GIDP.  Yippe-kai-ay.

Paulino’s tough sixth inning against the FTC prevented a sweep, but other than that he looked pretty good.  He’s never faced the Fish before, so hopefully this goes well.

Pppppppromotions!

Tuesday – Commemorative “Tobacco Water Pipes” brought to you by Bizarre Bazaar. No wait, it’s Double Play Tuesday, from Powerade.  Get a reward for drinking sugar water!

Wednesday – Green Earth Day cap with a completely inexplicable white line around the crown.

Thursday – 45th Anniversary Blanket. Because it gets cold in the cellar.  Badump-bump!  Thank you!  Thank you!  I’ll be here all week!  Try the buffet!  Come back, the 9 o’clock show is not the same as the 6:30 show!   Okay, the blanket is on Friday against the Pirates. 

What To Watch For

– La Volver del Puma

– Slumpbustin’ for Pence and Lee.  It strikes me that Lee may have to slumpbust while wearing a fake mustache and a sombrero.  I won’t elaborate on what the stick horse is for.

– Smaller crowds than a Limp Bizkit reunion show.

Talk about it in the Game Zone!

The Astros head into bubblegum park fresh off their first dubaya* of the season.  *(that’s W for you edumacated types)   That’s right, your hometown 9 got off the schneid versus the Redbirds and have a chance to make it two in a row versus the baby bears.  Its porridge stealing time!  Despite all the analysts saying how the sCrubs would be on easy street with a this chair is too soft schedule to begin the season, they have posted a losing record thus far.  Apparently someone smashed their chair to splinters and left it for Papa Bear to put back together again.  The Wrigleyville fans are already on Soriano’s ass, booing him during the team’s home opener on Monday. I guess this shows that even a blind Cub fan can stumble over a moth-eaten nut every millenium.

Probable Pitching Duels

Friday, April 16, 1:20 p.m. CT  

Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-0, 7.20) vs Carlos Silva, RHP (0-0, 1.50)

No current sCrub has more that 4 plate appearances against Paulino, in fact there are only 20 total for the entire team.  However small a sample size, they still boast a .353 BA against him with 2 homeruns (Lee and Sorry-I-know).    Paulino needs to improve on his first start this season where he gave up four hits, four walks and four earned over five innings.  He also struck out four.  How’s that for fourplay?  Silva is scheduled for his first start at Wrigley, even though he has had some shoulder issues.  In his last game against the Redlegs, he gave up 3 hits with one earned run, 3 strike outs and no walks.  Carlos Lee has the most AB of any Astro vs Silva (27).  In those 27, he has 8 hits for a .296 BA, more than 3 times his current 2010 average of .097.  For his career, Lee has liked hitting in Wrigley, boasting a .311 average with 20 HR (out of 68 hits).  C’mon Carlos–find that Silva lining and get outta that nasty funk you are in!

Saturday, April 17, 12:05 p.m. CT

Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 3.75) vs Tom Gorzelanny, LHP (0-0, 0.00)

If you just look at the stats, Roy has not pitched badly this year.  5 earned in 12 innings ain’t chopped liver, but hasn’t been enough with the anemic performance the Astros bats have shown for Roy’s first two starts (only 3 runs posted by the Good Guys).  Of course, he was up against Lincecum and Halladay, but this time he gets a better draw.  Tommy G takes the hill for the second time this season, after a very staunch performance against the Reds (1 run, 4 hits, 6.1 innings).  Seven Astros hit .333 or better against Gorzelanny, although in a limited number of AB (none more than 8).

Sunday, April 18, 1:20 CT

Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-2, 6.10) vs Ryan Dempster, RHP (1-0, 4.38)

Wandy got Pooholed in his last start, and is still seeking his first dubaya of the season.  If he wants to last more than 4 1/3 innings this time, he will need to be shy away from Derrick Lee.  Lee just eats Wandy’s lunch–hitting .483 with 3 homers against him in 29 ABs.  Theriot also sports a not too shabby .427 average versus the southpaw.  Dempster returns to the mound after an extra day off following a 114 pitch outing where he gave up 5 earned in 6.1 innings for a win against the Brew Crew.  Even though he earned the win, it was not his best start of the season.  Earlier, he had a no-decision against the Braves where he gave up only 1 earned in 6.  Astros batters (pitchers not included) have a combined team BA of .320 against the Dumpster with 12 of 51 hits being for extra bases.  Keppinger (9 for 18) and Bourn (6 for 15) both sport averages above .400 against him.

Is there a Dr. in the House?

The sCrubs will be without Guzman, Caridad and Lilly for the  series.  All are on the 15 day DL, but Guzman is expected to miss the entire year.  For the ‘Stros, Berkman is still knee deep in Twinkies while Gervacio, Arias and Bazardo have shoulder issues and aren’t expected back until late April to mid-May. 

Free Cubs Shit

Friday April 16–Get your free spitcup. Or maybe you need a urinal for your car or deercamp.  Guaranteed to hold all the piss you can muster while yelling “Fuck the Cubs!” 20 times in a row.

Saturday April 17–Heilmann’s Old Style Knit Cap Not a bad cap, too bad its in baby bear colors.

Sunday April 18–Cubs Scarf  Just what you need to strangle John Q. Cubfan with.

Ok, lemme hear ya, and a-one and a-two, and a-three…….

No, it is not time to have nightmares of a drunken Harry Caray rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”.  No, it is time for your favorite SnS yell—Fuck the Cubs!  Fuck the Cubs!!  Fuck the Cubs!!!  Yeah, that felt good didn’t it?  Nothing gives you quite that satisfying feeling as reveling in the misery of Cub Nation.  So let me hear it one more time from the SnS bleachers———

Fuck The Cubs!!!

Well, maybe not Mudville–that’s a little too poetic and all and I wouldn’t want to get into anything resembling strosraysesque territory; besides I don’t have a goddamn surfboard or a boss record collection or cool as shit avatar.  Also, I’ll point out that Mudville did have a legendary slugger who was hitting at a pretty good clip and the team was in contention and there was a ray of shining hope until the very last second and that’s not what we’re talking about here.  No, we’ve got a team that’s thus far shown some hit and miss pitching and and some solidly putrid hitting on their way to a sterling 0-6 start.  Sure, they’ve drawn two pretty decent teams to play in each series but there’s still no way to put a lot of shine on this dog’s ass.  And, it don’t get easier come this afternoon when Houston motors into New Busch (considered by many better than old bush)where the Cardinals are going to put on a swell pre game, trotting out the Clydesdales and Whitey Herzog and even Mark McGwire who will maybe do a couple of biceps flexes and give his personal testimony or maybe suggest in a true moment of clarity that the new stadium should have been called the “House that Juice Built” or just simply, “Needle Park.”

Here’s your pitching matchups:

Monday, April 12 at 3:15 CT on “FS-H” 0r whatever the hell Fox is calling itself this month.

Wandy Rodgriguez, LHP (0-1, 4.50) v. Adam “Ant” Wainwright, RHP (1-0, 2.57)

After generally sucking ass all spring, working on trusting his stuff and locating birth records and such, Wandy didn’t do too badly in his first start giving up three runs and seven hits to the Giants but that obviously doesn’t cut it when your hitters are still trying to figure out which way is the front for their garter belts.  He’ll have his hands full in facing Wainwright who already appears in solid form, going seven strong innings in his first start and supported by an actual working major league batting order led by the back to back of Pujols and Holliday who are each swinging very well.

Wednesday (not Tuesday), April 14, 7:15CT on my20 and ESPN2

Brett Myers, RHP (0-0,6.00) v. Brad “Will” Penny, RHP (0-0,1.29)

Myers looked like a guy who hadn’t started a game since last May which is exactly who he was, giving up the booty and twelve hits to the Giants in his first start.  Welcome aboard, Brett, and help yourself to plenty of punch and cookies.  RedassBrett will be facing Brad Penny, another Cardinal dickhead who’s already throwing lights out with one run on six hits over seven innings in his opener; just the thing for the light hitting Astros.   Maybe this will be the game when Myers dots a few guys, gets tossed, picks a fight withseveral players on bothteams along with a dowdy Midwestern housewife, composes a sonnet, weaves a fishing net and then finishes it all off with twelve Carlings and a rock and rye.  Or, something like that.  He’s a renaissance man, Brett is.

Thursday, April 15, 12:40 CT, FS-H

Bud Norris, RHP (0-1, 10.12) v. Kyle Lohse, RHP (0-0,6.00)

Norris looked a lot like a pitcher who is basically a rookie making it all up as he goes along in his last start which is essentially what he is.  He threw some real good pitches here and there but unfortunately, they were sandwiched between about 725 other curious tosses during his 2 2/3 innings of overall suck against a Phillies team that is more than happy to receive suck and produce multiple money shots in return.  Clean up was messy that evening and Dennis Liborio gave Norris a towel assessment.  Young Bud will be up against Kyle Lohse who had his own troubles in his initial start against a pretty good Milwaukee lineup, giving up four runs over six innings.  Uh, also, Lohse has been very effective against Houston, going 5-1 in his last seven starts.  Great.  You get a cookie, MLB News.

MASH Report:

St. Louis:

All healthy.  Are you shittin’ me, MLB?  Must be all that clean living among the best fans in baseball.  Maybe LaRussa has extended his pre and post game rubdowns of Pujols to the entire team–that’s all I can think of.

Houston:

Arias has right rotator cup weakness.  Switch hands, Alberto.  You would have known that had you gone to a college with a lot of ugly girls.

Yorman Bazardo: strained shoulder.  Get well, Yorman.  The game needs a player with a name like yours.

Sammy Gervacio: strain of right shoulder posterior cuff.  I’m fairly certain that I don’t even have one of those.

Berkman: lollygagging, now until the 20that the earliest with his right knee thingy.  Seriously, this doesn’t look good for Berkman or the team–it’s hard to see him being anywhere near 100% effective this season.  He’s (allegedly) never been a drug guy–no HGH or greenies–and without ’em, Berkman is like every other ballplayer of the last hundred years: he’s wearing down in his thirties.  He’ll be hanging out in Houston since they have better exercise bikes than at Wrigley and he’s a little homophobic with the LaRussa thing going on in St. Louis.

Giveaways This Series:

Show up at the opener today and they’ll give you a little schedule magnet.  Otherwise, that’s it for the series.  Cheap bastards–Drayton gives away all kinds of shit that you can pile up in your closet and later give away at a garage sale.

Odds and Ends:

Watched a little of the Milwaukee-St. Louis game last night.  Two pretty good teams and couldn’t help thinking back to when the Astros ran a team out onto the field that included a Carlos Beltran batting second –-those cities used to be envious of the lineups and pitching staffs that Houston put on the field.   Not now.

I’m getting a little tired of the “Millsie” thing and now the “Sully” thing, etc.  No word if Gardner is referred to as, “Pamsie.”  Probably not.  Haven’t heard much about Gardner as of late other than she’s still making her fair share of conferences.

Astrosteam president Pam Gardner shown with unidentified team official at recent executive retreat

The Astros have scored fewer runs this season than the Diamondbacks in one inning yesterday.  Thanks, ESPN, for pointing out the obvious.  Next thing you’ll be telling me is that Houston doesn’t have a very good team right now along with the unmitigated gall they once had of competing year end and year out for the playoffs.

Mills (not Millsie) sat Pence and his .095 average.  Next up: someone from the Chronicle to assert a “rift” or something between the new manager and the team’s hearthrob to Houston area ninth grade girls.

The ‘stros were clad in the ’65 unis for Saturday night’s game.  Almost startling to see the hometown nine wearing a real uniform, with even  stirrups and sanitaries to boot.  The current “home white” kit isn’t bad and neither are the road grays (on the odd occasion when they wear them) but the original colors and style are highly pro.  The blocked “HOUSTON” on the old road grays was also outstanding.  I wouldn’t get any hopes up on the organization seizing the day on this–they’re convinced by whatever idiotic marketing study was done or simply by one of Drayton’s grandchildren’s preference that the ugly ass pinstripes and the road softball unis are just the thing.

Speaking of ’65, I was actually in attendance at the Yankees exhibition that kicked off baseball in the Dome but remember absolutely zero of it.  I do, however, recall quite clearly seeing Billy Graham there along with 55,000 or so other mouth breathers amazed that Houston and Jesus could come up with something this goddamn impressive.  They had everything at the Astrodome when it first opened including bullfights (they didn’t actually kill the bulls), lacrosse (yes, lacrosse) and umpteen tours given each day to slack jawed locals and tourists alike who would all return outside to the 98% degree temp and 98% degree humidity and to the massive parking lot and find a new “Astrodome-8th Wonder of the World” bumper sticker on their cars.  People wanted in the place just to behold it.  The Astrodome was obvious proof that God had big things in mind for Texas and America and that those fuckers in Moscow had better bring their lunch if they wanted a piece of us.  But, the Astros went on, of course to prove that God and Texas and America and the Marines and even that thing called momentum can’t always beat good pitching or opposing shortstops named Walt Fucking Weiss.

They played the Masters this past weekend which is fabulous entertainment, especially when so many big names are in contention.  The “limited commercial interruption” deal that the good ol’ boys at Augusta National demand of CBS makes for great viewing, especially the astounding shot of the final pairing of Mickelson and Westwood moving from the 17th green to the 18thtee box and the gallery extending down the length and breath of the narrow, final fairway.   Speaking of shots, was there a better one than Michelson’s iron off the pine straw between the trees and over the certain death of Rae’s Creek to six or so feet from the pin on 13?  I don’t recall seeing one as spectacular when it really mattered with so much hanging on it in a major championship.  It’s the kind of risky endeavor that Mickelson has tried before with often disastrous results–he’s worn the “World’s Biggest Dumbass” title more than once.  But, damn that was a glorious thing to behold.  I don’t know if the Masters is the best major but it is highly unique and also superbly fun with the multitude of lead changes possible and probable on the back nine.  Reasonable prices on beer and pimento sandwiches, too.  I do enjoy the National Open, though, for the pain and suffering it inflects on professional golfers.  Also, the British Open when a nice summer day in Scotland means it’s 35 degrees with a wind blowing at about 50 and a “soft” rain hitting ’em sideways.

I missed the Super Bowl and a good part of the final day of the Masters due to my required attendance at events involving the youngest Bulba daughter.  I still marvel at the lack of attention to MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS on the calendar by the interesting personalities that schedule these sorts of things but that’s another rant.  Anyway, I bemoaned it a little both times but quickly realized there will pretty much always be a Super Bowl and a Masters but some things involving your kids only come around once.  And, that’s kind of where we’re at with the Astros.  It gives you the opportunity to now quite clearly recall what you had when there was a guy named Bagwell at first and a fellow named Biggio playing next to him, with both ripping  the throats out of the opposition–man, those were the days.  And, I’m pretty sure we’ll all live to see another Astros team that’s a winner–maybe even within five years–who knows?  So, now is the time to look back and take note of what we had and to also be real fans of the team and stick with them when they’re down–any asshole can wear a Yankees or Red  Sox or even Cubs hat; that’s not hard to do.   No, this is a great time to watch how prospects develop and how the organization operates and drafts for the future.  It will also be fun watching what the team can accomplish with what they have and to see who rises to the occasion and decides to make a name for himself.  Also fun to listen to Deshaies parse and react to what he sees and Brown chuckle at yet another gem tossed his way by the ex-pitcher.  Just don’t call them Jimsie and Brownsie.

Wow, that was a fun way to start the year. Nothing says “Hooray, baseball is finally back!” like a 3 game cornholing from a team that, by most measures, will land in the middle of the medicore NL West. What? Now the Phillies are coming to town? Oh boy.

I’m sure you’re wondering about the Facebook mention in the title. Well, Mr. Impatient, I’ll explain it now. I’m going to share some of the wisdom of fellow Astros fans I’ve pulled from Facebook. Names have been omitted to protect the idiotic.

Now on to our first submission:

What the Astros need to get going – “would love to see Brad Mills get a little angry, crazy-mad at their performance or lack, there of. I am getting tired of the same old comment, “now we know what we have to work with……” Isn’t that what spring training is for? Maybe that will wake up this team….we certainly need it.”

Friday, April 9, 7:05pm FS-H HD
Saturday, April 10, 6:05pm FS-H HD
Sunday, April 11, 1:05pm FS-H HD

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Friday – Pretty sweet lookin’ Anniversary Cap to the first 10,000 fans.

Saturday – Even sweeter lookin’ throwback Shooting Star Jersey to the first 10,000 fans.

Sunday – Apparently you can bring man’s best friend or your really unattractive wife to the game with no repercussions today. I don’t get it, but hey, the other two giveaways were pretty damn sweet.

Here’s a crackerjack ramble, some hate I approve of, and the quickest fix this team has ever seen – My sister in law once bought me a broom when the Cards swept the Stros. There is nothing I like more than beating the Cards. Let’s trade for Pujols, PLEASE!

Projected Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

J.A Happ (southpaw, no stats yet) v. Bud Norris (northpaw? no stats yet either)

In very limited numbers, the Astros have hammered Happ to the tune of a .389 BA (7-18). J.R. Towles leads the charge with a double, a single, and a walk in his three at bats. Thunderpants has two singles in three attempts. Kabong has two singles in three attempts as well, with an RBI. Kaz is only one for four, but that one was a two run homer.

Bud faced the Phigtin’ Phils once last year, and clocked a pretty good outing against them. Rollins and Ben Fransisco both hit solo homers off him, but he the rest of the Phils roster only scattered four more total hits (total of six in twenty four at bats).

What does this team need to succeed tonight? – Hunter will come through tonight…GO ASTROS!!!

Saturday

Jamie Moyer (old as dirt, no stats) v. Felipe Paulino (25% more aerodynamic than last year, no stats)

Moyer has been around a long time. No. Seriously. A LONG time. He’s 47, allegedly. Moyer has repeatedly denied the allegation that Geoff Blum is his son but frankly, I’m not buying it. Now the bad news. The Astros are a dismal fifteen of seventy five against Moyer. That’s a .205 average. Kabong has six hits off of him, but that’s in thirty at bats. Maybe he really is Blum’s daddy, since Blummer sports a sparkling one for ten against Grandpa Jamie. Moyer definitely isn’t any relation to Pence!!!! though. Pence has rocked Moyer in six at bats, with two homers and a single as well as two(!!!!) walks. Wow! Who saw that coming.

Paulino, like Bud, faced the Phils once last year. He gave up a lot of hits (six in sixteen at bats to be exact), but only gave up one RBI. Ben Fransisco (who the hell is Ben Fransisco anyway?) went three for three against him with two doubles. Rollins, Ibanez, and Werth all went one for three with a single apiece. Ryan Howard went oh for one with a pair of walks.

Name your Favorite Player From the 1960’s – Lance Berkman
Next Response? – Ditto
More Gems – Biggio by far…he is awesome !!!!!
Come on Peeps, it’s without a doubt #34 NOLAN RYAN!!!
Best Response – derek bell

Sunday

Roy Halladay (1-0, 1.29) v. Roy Oswalt (0-1, 4.50)

Halladay started the season the way you expect a badass number one to start it. He mowed down the hapless (not to be confused with J.A. Happless, which is what everyone but the Phillies are) Nationals on the way to an Opening Day win. Great news though. The Astros, at least on paper, beat Halladay around pretty good (to the tune of thirteen of thirty nine). Kabong is seven of ninteen with three dingers against Roy. Blum is three of seven with a homer. Feliz is two of six with a couple of RBIs. That about wraps it up though, as nobody else on the roster except for Michaels (big fat oh for four) and Kepp (one for three) have even faced him.

Roy struggled in front of the Spikesnstars Opening Day morons crowd, giving up three runs before being lifted for a pinch hitter in the sixth when it became obvious the regular eight plus pitcher weren’t going to get a run across without some serious help. Long story short, even pinch hitting couldn’t save the Good Guys. The Phils do allright against RoyO (48 hits in 156 at bats). Placido Palonco rocks Os to the tune of ten of twenty one. Ryan Howard also bashes Roy, with eight hits in nineteen at bats, two of which were homers. Chase Utley, on the other hand, sucks on ice against Roy (three of twenty).

I think I found Fredia on Facebook – 0-3 way to be stros where the h is are o ffense at lee bourn pence where yall at this aint spring training this is for real…. good luck aginst the fightin phills

Fantasy Baseball Injury Report That Just-So-Happens To Be About Real Baseball

Phillies –

Joe Blanton tweaked something, he’s out for a few weeks. Pussy.
Brad Lidge bruised his Pujols, which apparently led to needed knee and elbow surgeries. He is due back in late April.
J.C. Romero is off directing the next in his long string of Zombie Baseball movies. This one is called “Bullpen of the Living Dead – The Real Story Behind Jamie Moyer”.

Astros –

Arias is on the fifteen day with rotator cuff weakness.
Yorman Bazardo’s strained his shoulder carrying around his badass last name.
Sammy Gervacio’s funky delivery apparently made his arm fall off. They’re duct taping it back on, stop worrying.
And lastly, Lance Berkman’s knee buckled under the pressure of carrying the Astro offense this season. He’s due back next week some time, hopefully.

Face of the Franchise Indeed! Ohfer so far, but they love him! – pence is the only guy that prooved himself other than berkman and wandy, fire everybody else

My Attempt to Make You Bleed Out of Your Ears

And there you have it. The people that we, the SnS public, share a team affiliation with.

Enjoy!

Opening Day! Put away the Hot Stove, put the minor leaguers on the bus, and kick The Void in the ass, because baseball’s back in town! The Astros have been through some big changes in the off-season, but don’t worry, Fox Sports Houston will make sure you know about every player’s dream to be a rodeo clown or a railroad hobo or whatever the fuck.

Well first things first. Geoff Blum is going to have reduced duties this year because the Astros brought in a full-time manager, if you can believe that shit. Meanwhile, Lance Berkman’s knee is in the “waiting for things to look positive” stage so Blum will get some time at first base anyway. Roy Oswalt is also having hamstring and back problems, even though the almanac doesn’t call for those until at least June. On a side note, everyone’s health insurance premiums went down once Doug Brocail retired.

This year’s Very Special Astros Anniversary Promotion is the 45th Anniversary of the Astros. Which doesn’t sound quite right because Houston got its expansion team in 1962. That’s easy for me to remember because it’s the year I was born, and since I’ll be 48 next month, something isn’t adding up … oh I see. They had to leave out the Colt .45 years to make the math work. You don’t have to understand it … just go buy some anniversary shit. It’s an anniversary, dammit!

Minute Maid Park

Monday, April 5,  6:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD, ESPN2
Tuesday, April 6,  7:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, April 7,  1:05 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD

Ahhh, Brownie and JD, back on my TV. At least I hope so. I have this recurring nightmare every Opening Day, where I turn on my TV and it’s a goddamn blackout, or the Texas Rangers. Opening Day blackouts are the cruelest of all, but I’ve had it happen more than once.

Notable giveaways and promotions

Monday – Schedule magnets. Hell yeah, I’ve got a ton of these thanks to Budgirl and Noe. Since I’ve heard that some of you may be going to the Opening Day festivities, if anyone lays their hands on an extra magnet, I still have space on my fridge for it. I’m just saying.

Tuesday – Double Play Tuesday. Bring some Powerade labels and sit in the cheap seats.

Wednesday – 9-Inning Lunch Break. The first time I read this I thought it said “9-Inch Lunch,” so I figured it was a nod, nod, nod to the visitors from San Francisco. But it’s actually a promotion where for $40 you get a field box seat, $20 worth of food, and some beverage vouchers. Not too bad for a Wednesday, I guess, even if you don’t get 9 inches.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Tim Lincecum, RHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-0, -.–)

Cy Young winner Lincecum is technically listed as probable, because he has a cut or blister or something on a finger that likely resulted from a horrific bong implosion. On the plus side, he has hella-strong lungs. The last time Lincecum pitched in Houston, Brad Ausmus lined one off his knee and put Lincecum out of the game. He’s started five games against the Astros for a 2-0 record and a 1.67 ERA.

No one on the Astros has hit a homer off Lincecum; in fact, only three Astros (Lee, Erstad, Castillo) even have RBIs against him. And at 2-for-9 (.222) against Lincecum, Kaz Matsui has the best average among starting Astros. Michael Bourn is the worst at 0-for-8 with four strikeouts.

Roy is making his eighth straight Opening Day start. He’s 5-5 in 13 career starts against the Giants, and had one win against them last year. Ex-Fuck-the-Cub Mark DeRosa is 13-for-27 against Oswalt, and Fred Lewis is 8-for-16. Edgar Renteria has two homers off Roy.

Tuesday
Barry Zito, LHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-0, -.–)

Zito is 1-1 in three career appearances against the Astros. Carlos Lee is 9-for-33 with a double, a triple (!) and a homer against Zito. Pedro Feliz also has a homer off him.

Mighty Wandy was last year’s team leader in wins, ERA, strikeouts, and innings pitched. He’s only faced the Giants once, and that was a loss in 2006.

Only six current Giants have faced Wandy, but they’ve hit him well. Mark DeRosa is 7-for-24 with three doubles and two homers, and Edgar Renteria is 3-for-5 with two homers. Ouch. Dirty Freddy Sanchez has also hit Wandy hard, but Sanchez is injured so nevermind.

Wednesday
Matt Cain, RHP (0-0, -.–)  v. Brett Myers, RHP (0-0, -.–)

Cain has pitched 200+ innings each of the last three years for the Giants. He’s 1-2 in three appearances against the Astros, and Carlos Lee is 5-for-8 with a double and a homer off him. Geoff Blum and Kaz Matsui both have homers off Cain, and how many times do you get to say that?

Myers is making his Astros debut after going 4-3 last year for the Phillies. He’s 1-3 against the Giants but hasn’t faced them in a couple of years. Renteria is 11-for-33 against Myers, with three doubles and two homers. Mark DeRosa is 6-for-13.

Injury Report

San Francisco – Dirty Freddy Sanchez was traded to the Giants at the deadline last season, but he’s had knee and shoulder surgery and probably won’t be back until May. Also, second baseman Emmanuel Burriss is out until June.

Houston – Roy Oswalt is probable for this start. He has a hamstring problem but got an injection in his back, so I guess it’s complicated. Lance Berkman is on the DL until whenever. Bazardo and Arias are both out until sometime in May.

Odds and Ends

* Roy Oswalt is only seven games behind Joe Niekro for the top spot on the Astros’ all-time wins list, so that will get lots of attention as he moves closer this season. Meanwhile, If Wandy gets 10 wins this season he’ll tie Jim DeShaies on the Astros’ wins list. If he wins 20 games, he’ll tie Darryl Kile.

* I had a rough offseason too. I’ve got an irritated nerve in my neck and had to get three injections with a spinal needle. My opinion was that it sucked. Plus I had to pay $500 for each goddamn shot because I was the only sucker in the packed doctor’s office who wasn’t on Medicare or Medicaid.

* Have fun at Opening Day, and if you’re at the bar, remember to order a “Cecil Cooper.” The waitress will write the order wrong on your tab and you can just wander off and let someone else take care of it.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.