Extree! Extree! Read all about it! Commish says “Break up the Astros!” Unstoppable juggernaut threatens sea life! Tens of dozens of Marlins fans threatened! No one actually talks like paper boys, new study shows!
Now that the Cubs are rightly fucked, the boys from Crawford & Texas have returned home to face the Marlins & Pirates in succession. The 8-5 Marlins arrive in the Bayou City just half a game behind the NL East-leading Phils, and as young and innocent as ever.
Watching the Marlins roster turn over year after year as Jeff Loria send his studs packing for greener pastures is like an experience I had while attending A&M. Every day, I’d ride my bike past the Animal Sciences Center on my way to class in the Bio/Bio building. About once a week, there’d be a line of cattle or pigs queued up in a pen outside one particular door next to the loading docks. One at a time, the livestock were led inside to meet their fate (or become fated meat, if you prefer); meanwhile, all the ones outside remained blissfully unaware of what awaited them in a few minutes. Well, almost all.
There was always one animal that had suddenly acheived a level of problem-solving ability that we rarely attribute to their kind. The oppulent food in the feed lot. The air-tickling-your-ears fun of the ride in the trailer. The cattle prods. It finally dawned: whatever they’d been promised, it wasn’t on the other side of that door. The Other Side held something unspeakable. And that one animal was sounding the alarm. The terror of one particularly aware hog still echoes in my ears.
Marlins players are like those animals: trapped in a holding pen, waiting for the chance to become what they’re meant to be: professional baseball players who get paid like professional baseball players. Sure, Hanley Ramirez and Josh Johnson got paid, but for every one of them, there are three Josh Beckett’s. It’s a great business plan for the franchise: underspend, over-perform, trade assets, repeat. The inhumanity is that it denies the average fan any continuity, any rooting joy apart from watching AAA box scores for the signs that someone’s about to hop on the truck from the feed lot to the slaughterhouse.
Probables Pitchers from MLB.com
Tuesday, April 20th. 7:05 PM, MMPUS
Chris Volstad (1-1, 3.46) v. Brett Myers (0-1, 3.46)
Look, ma! Identical ERAs! Florida native Volstad is another in the aforementioned long line of homegrown talent to be a big part of the Marlins’ gameplan this year. He’s faced the ‘stros twice, winning once. Bourn, Lee and Pence all hit him well. He’s no looker (every picture I found of him makes it look like someone just explained to him for the first time what a colonoscopy is), so maybe he’s just the slumpbuster that Caballo and Gunther need.
Myers is looking for some run support after tossing a gem against the C0-ards, only to take a loss. He’s played the Fish alot, bringing a 6-11 record to his first start against his former NL East rivals. He’s taken a pounding from John Baker, Dan Uggla and Ramirez; Uggla has five homers against him. Cody Ross and Emilio Bonifacio are the only schlubs who struggle against him.
Wednesday, April 21st. 7:05 PM, MMPUS
Josh Johnson (1-1, 4.50) v. Budly Norris (1-1, 3.52)
Johnson’s the ace of the Marlins’ staff, and one of the few players old enough to rent a car, so I guess that makes him a veteran. He’s struggled against the Astros in the past, having yet to post his first win, supplemented by a 7.36 ERA. Pence has homered off of him, and Q has hit him pretty well, too.
Studly Budly returns to the scene of his first start, hoping that it goes more like his second one. He was damn good (for a number 4 starter) against the Cards last week; I sense that he may spend this season reminding us of early career Wandy, alternating solid starts with mind-numbing fuckups en route to 10-11 and 4.30 or something. Hanley and Jorge Cantu have both hit him well, but Chris Coughlin is 0-7 with 3 K’s. Hopefully Coughlin’s been too busy playing grabass with some other player whose name sounds like an MTV VJ from the 90’s to watch game tape and learn more about Bud.
Thursday, April 22nd. 7:05 PM, MMPUS
Anibal Sanchez (0-1, 6.75) v. Felipe Paulino (0-1, 7.36)
HAHA! He has a girl name! Just like Morgan Ensberg! (Sorry, Mo. Really, really love the blog.) Annabelle sucks against everyone but the Good Guys, apparently. Despite his career-long fight with Persistent Acute Mediocrity, he’s got a sub-1 ERA against us. Seriously. Caballo’s only significant stat against him is a GIDP. Yippe-kai-ay.
Paulino’s tough sixth inning against the FTC prevented a sweep, but other than that he looked pretty good. He’s never faced the Fish before, so hopefully this goes well.
Pppppppromotions!
Tuesday – Commemorative “Tobacco Water Pipes” brought to you by Bizarre Bazaar. No wait, it’s Double Play Tuesday, from Powerade. Get a reward for drinking sugar water!
Wednesday – Green Earth Day cap with a completely inexplicable white line around the crown.
Thursday – 45th Anniversary Blanket. Because it gets cold in the cellar. Badump-bump! Thank you! Thank you! I’ll be here all week! Try the buffet! Come back, the 9 o’clock show is not the same as the 6:30 show! Okay, the blanket is on Friday against the Pirates.
What To Watch For
– Slumpbustin’ for Pence and Lee. It strikes me that Lee may have to slumpbust while wearing a fake mustache and a sombrero. I won’t elaborate on what the stick horse is for.
– Smaller crowds than a Limp Bizkit reunion show.