With the departure of Pudge this week, the reigning question for the remainder of the season is, “To blow up, or not blow up?” (We’ve stopped asking “what?” “why?” and “how?” about Coop, because it sounds like we’re doing grammar flashcards with a second grader) Even though the trade deadline is past, another waiver-assisted trade would not be impossible.

Miggy and Papa Grande are still strong chips, as is Hawkins; every contender could use another bullpen arm, and a possible DH who’s hitting over .300 would be enticing to many AL teams. WadeSmith is being circumspect in public, but who knows what machinations are taking place behind closed doors? Since it definitely appears that we’re not buyers right now, why not sell some of the valuable pieces for some young starting pitching, and give us a 2010 that’s worth looking forward to, instead of one that’s remarkably similar to 2009.

But nevermind that shit, here comes Mongo The D-backs. They’ve lost so many pitchers to injury this season that they actually inquired about Mark Prior at the trade deadline, just so that they could have an entire rotation of 15+ game winners on the DL at the same time. So we can hope for some potent offense this home series. Then again, we’re not sending out a single starter who has a sub-4 ERA, including Roy and Golden Boy Bud Norris. Will any of these starters make it (or be allowed to make it) past the 6th? Magic 8-Ball says:

Well, if you’re at these games, take it as your opportunity to boo Coop, or pull Drayton aside to tell him that you have an important message for him from Bud Selig re: Coop.

Probable Pitchers

Friday, August 21st
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Yusmeiro Petit (2-7, 6.47) v. Roy Oswalt (6-4, 4.01)
Yusmeiro The Less hasn’t won more than 3 games in a season, ever. And he’s been a starter most of that time. He’s an epic amount of suck. He’s the GI Joe movie of starting pitchers, especially in the sense that it’ll be entertaining to watch stuff blow up around him. Current ‘stros haven’t actually hit him all that well, but at least they’ve faced them, which means the Rookie Curse thing shouldn’t be an issue.
The Mississippi Midget is looking to rebound from a shittastic outing on Sunday where he lucked out by getting a no-decision despite giving up five runs. D-backs, collectively, have hit just .200 against Roy, with Stephen Drew the only exception at .412.

Saturday, August 22nd
6:05 CT, MMPUS
Max Scherzer (7-7, 4.00) v. Brian Moehler (7-9, 5.40)
The pitcher whose name sound like a sneeze v. the pitcher whose name sounds like the worst possible deployment of the “(blank) ‘er? I barely know ‘er?” joke. Lovely. Scherzer has faced the Astros once before in relief and mowed the entire lineup down. No one, I mean no one, has gotten so much as a hit off the douchebag. Seriously. Let’s hit him so hard that his name becomes easier to pronounce.
Moehler. Gawd. There are so many times that he looks like he has #4 starter stuff, and that’s literally the best thing you can say about the guy. Yet he’s one of the morst consistent members of the staff this year. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Houston Astros! In limited exposure, the D-backs have hit him well, particularly Mark Reynolds, who has a preposterous 2.000 slugging percentage against him. I think mathematically that means that he hits 2 HRs every AB against Moehler.

Sunday, August 23rd
1:05 CT, MMPUS
Jon Garland (6-11, 4.42) v. Bud Ice Norris (3-1, 4.05)
Garland continues to show why it’s a crap shoot to spend a lot of money on a free agent pitcher, posting the worst season of his career after leaving Chicago’s South Side for the desert. Must be the heat and the soul-crushing sight of 15,000 retirees and unemployed schlubs in the seats. Wait, how is that different from the White Sox? Oh yeah, the horrible violent crime. Duh. Bourn, Michaels, and Tejada should all have a field day with Garland, as would Maysonet (.333) if Cooper ever acknowledges his existence.
Bud took his first loss last time out, and if you think he’s happy about it, you better fucking check yourself before he rips your idiot head off and throws it up Tal’s Hill. He’s never faced the D-Backs, and their lineup looks like a fantasy baseball keeper-league wet dream from 2007, so he should be just fine.

Injuries
Astros:
Aaron Boone – awaiting September call-up, getting ready for heart-warming round of PR. But not too heart-warming…gotta let that thing recover.
Doug Brocail – knawing on what’s left of Brandon Backe in his cage
Mike Hampton – “It’s unchartered waters”, says Mike, about hurting his rotator cuff. Really? Really? A trip to the DL with an aching arm is new to you? I’ll buy that it’s a new part of your arm, but like a 70’s British car, I guess every part has to break at some point.
Wesley Wright – Still in the Phantom Zone, for his own safety.

D-Backs
Eric Byrnes – Infected hair highlights
Tom Gordon – Still running from that Stephen King beastie
Conor Jackson – Died of dysentery on the way to Oregon
Scott Schoeneweis – What’s depression?
Justin Upon – strained expectations
Brandon Webb – found out he was the adopted child of Mike Hampton and Kerry Wood. Arm promptly fell off.

Promotions!
Friday: Gold Star Cap “collectible”.

Good thing they told us it’s a collectible, because it looks like a birthday cake from Kroger. Over/under on number of eating-related injuries to fans: 200
Saturday: Faith and Family Night, with a concert by MercyMe after the game. As mentioned in this space before, Christian rock doesn’t have to be the worst example of both of those words. This week’s example: Anathallo.
Sunday: School Supply Set! Oh boy! And it’s Scouts Day, which means that pedophiles get both bait and prey. Root for the Good Guys!

What to Watch For:
Flying objects, as many of them will be leaving the field of play this weekend.

Discuss the games in the Game Zone!

Miller Park

(NOTE: Throughout this preview you will see intercepted text message conversations from both the Astros as well as the Brewers players. Don’t ask how I intercepted these messages, and especially don’t go look to see if they’re really from www.textsfromlastnight.com.)

With the chance to continue treading water and split a 4 game series with the red-hot Marlins (Jose Valverde: I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit? ), your Houston Astros elected instead to crap the bed to the tune of a 9-2 shellacking. How bad is this team right now?
Stretch Suba: if only i could text you this smell.

Friday August 15, 7:05pm. FS-H HD
Saturday August 16, 6:05pm. FS-H HD
Sunday August 17, 1:05pm. FS-H

Pitching Matchups From Astros.com

Friday

Wandy Rodriguez (11-6, 2.51) v. Yovani Gallardo (10-9, 3.54)

Michael Bourn: How crunk are you?
Wandy Rodriguez: I’m a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins

Wandy recovered nicely from his strained hamstring in his last start, tossing 7 shutout innings on the way to a 2-0 Astros win against these very same Brewers. Corey Hart (11-27) and Rickey Weeks (5-16) mash Wandy. The rest of the BrewCrew sucks against him, especially Jason Kendall (0-8).

Yovanni was on the losing end of Wandy’s peckslapping of the Brewers, also pitching 7 innings but was the hard luck loser after giving up 2 runs. His numbers are good, but the Brewers keep finding ways to lose when he pitches. Current Astros do okay against Gallardo, with Bourn (3-8) and Blum (3-10) leading the charge. The Good Guys sport a .264 team average against Yovanni in 106 at bats, but have only hit 3 home runs.

Randall Simon (to Yovanni Gallardo): Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Bratwurst suit so I can molest you while I wear it?

Saturday

Brian Moehler (7-8, 5.40) v. Mike Burns (2-4, 5.89)

(414): I’m surprised I didn’t puke tonight
This perfectly describes how I feel about this pitching matchup.

The Brewers shell Moehler to the tune of a .366 batting average and a 1.045 OPS. In 7 at bats, no Astro has a hit against Burns.

Sunday

Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.87) v. Braden Looper (10-6, 4.99)

Roy scuffled in his last start against the Fish, giving up 6 runs but not taking the loss in an absolute embarassment of a ball game. His back is obviously not 100 percent, but he’ll still trot out there and give it the old Mississippi try. Kendall (17-44), Hart (8-16), and Braun (5-11) all wear RoyO out. Everyone else is pretty meh.

Roy: maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn’t such a great idea after all.

Braden Looper sucks. Current Astros batter him pretty good, with PENCE!!! (10-22), Twinkie (10-27), Kaz (6-12), Erstad (5-12), and Coste (3-7) leading the charge. Kabong (6-28, no homers) sucks against him though.

Random Brewers Groupie (about Braden Looper): He told me he had never done that before…I responded with “clearly”

Notable Giveaways This Series

Friday – Not a goddamn thing.
Corey Hart: dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.

Saturday – Not a goddamn thing again.
JJ Hardy (on the reason he was sent to AAA): I skipped work to stalk him.

Sunday – Finally, something free for the cheese eaters! The first 10,000 fans will receive a Bernie Brewer Tidal Towel! What the hell is that, you ask? I don’t know either. Oh, and the first 10k will ALSO get a Kalahari VIP Savings Card. No, I don’t know what that is either.

Prince Fielder (to Rickie Weeks) : I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I’ve talked to you on the phone while having sex.

Combined Injury Report

Astros

Aaron Boone is playing ball in the minors, and hoping to make it back to the big club in September.

Brocail is back on the DL again, and the note for this one says “GM is ‘worried’ about 3rd DL stint of ’09”. Thank God those MLB guys make the big bucks.

Hampton is falling apart at the seams. Apparently his left shoulder seam is giving out now. He’s day to day, but really, aren’t we all day to day?

Wesley Wright is on the DL and desperately trying to learn to throw right handed, since his left shoulder is about to fall off.

Brewers

Dave Bush is on the 15 Day DL with Chronic Masturbation Arm (CMA).

Chris Capuano is on the 60 day DL with Tommy John surgery. Probably from CMA also.

Corey Hart is out with a vaginectomy. Not sure if they’re removing it or just sprucing it up, but he’ll be able to come off the DL on the 15th of August.

Seth McClung also out with CMA, sprained elbow.

David Riske on the 15 day DL with a torn elbow tendon, return unknown.

Jeff Suppan strained an oblique, and could also be activated on the 15th.

And Rickie Weeks tore a tendon in his wrist trying to get away from Prince Fielder’s text message mentioned earlier in this preview.

Damn, look at all those injured pitchers. Is Cecil Cooper managing the Brewers too?

Texts To Match Players

(414): i love accidental penises. – Ryan Braun

(904): Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine. – Doug Brocail

(713): So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue? – Hunter Pence

(414): I feel like I’m in dance class right now – Jason Kendall

(713): we have officially lost it. – Cecil Cooper, after EVERY SINGLE LOSS

Discuss todays game in the GameZone, preferably from your favorite cellular device!

Apparently the Jimmy Buffett marketing machine is slowly taking over South Florida’s economy, choking off all other commerce like a Parrothead’s swollen prostate. With cash flow slowing to a trickle, they sold Jimmy the naming rights to Joe Dolphin Stadium or whatever the hell it used to be called. So of course he named it Land Shark.

The Marlins will wake up with a massive hangover and move to a new field in 2012, change their name to the Miami Marlins, and pretend they never heard of Jimmy Buffett. Good luck with that, because he’s already planning to put a volcano in left-centerfield and a boat dock behind home plate. And the home plate umpire will have a parrot. They’re also considering eyepatches, but the umpires union is protesting because those would be redundant.

Anyway, the Fish are 58-53, four games behind the Phillies, who they just swept on the road. Not too shabby. Cody Ross and Dan Uggla Muggla are leading the team in homers with 20 apiece, and Handjob Ramirez has 74 RBI. He’s also leading the league in batting at .348.

The Astros are still treading water in their quest for the perfect .500 season. I know it doesn’t make any sense, but Cecil Cooper thinks it does, so we just have to go along with it. But feel free to do an eye-roll that would make Footer proud.

Land Shark Stadium

Monday, August 10,  6:10 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Tuesday, August 11,  6:10 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Wednesday, August 12,  6:10 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD
Thursday, August 13, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSH-HD, MLBN

Well of course the Marlins series will be shown on the FiSH-HeaD. There’s also a Florida amateur porn network called Fish-Tail. The amateur porn stars are kind of like the Marlins; you’ve never heard of any of them, but they’re still six games ahead of the goddamn Mets.

Notable giveaways

Boy, the Astros are burning up the turnstiles on the road, packing ’em in like sardines. Just check out the specials for this series:

WorkForce Monday – Every Monday, unemployed people can get four free tickets at Land Shark just by showing their unemployment documents. However, most economists will tell you this promotion only works for the recently unemployed; it discriminates unfairly against those citizens whose unemployment benefits have expired, causing them to give up hope of ever getting to see a fucking ballgame. I mean job.

Tuesday – No specials today because everyone found jobs yesterday hanging out at Land Shark.

Wednesday – Some bullshit radio ticket promo.

Thursday – Jesus, go home already, you fucking bums! The free tickets and handjobs were Monday.

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Brian Moehler (7-7, 5.23) v. Rick VandenHurk (1-1, 4.29)

Moehler has only pitched a total of three innings against the Marlins in his career, but that’s because he was a Marlin for two years. At Jimmy Joe Robbie Stadium his record is 5-11 with an ERA that’s tickling 5.00. Only one Fish has more than five AB’s against Moehler, and that’s Nick Johnson who’s 4-for-18 with a homer.

Henricus VandenHurk, believe it or not, is from the Netherlands. He tried a wrestling career as a sort-of Darth Vader/Hulk Hogan mash-up character, but sadly South Florida wasn’t ready for that. So now he’s pitching for the Marlins and had 18 appearances a couple of years ago. He’s had four starts this year and won a game against the Fathers, but more recently got bombed by the Nationals.

The three Astros who have seen VandenHurk before – Kepp, Matsui, and Coste – are a combined 4-for-6 with two homers off him. Obviously they were steering with a Dutch Rudder.

Tuesday
Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.61) v. Chris Volstad (8-9, 4.48)

Roy is scheduled to return in this series after having back problems in late July. In the past he’s owned a couple of Marlins – Ronny Paulino and Uggly Muggly – but he’s had trouble with several others. Hanley Ramirez, Jorge Cantu, and Jeremy Hermida all have two homers off him, and Wes Helms has another.

In his last start, Volstad gagged up a 6-0 lead to the Nationals. He’s also given up 23 homers in 23 starts. However, current Astros are 2-for-21 against him, with only Bourn and Erstad managing hits.

Wednesday
Bud Norris (2-0, 1.69) v. Ricky Nolasko (8-7, 4.86)

Norris will be getting his first look at the NL East after two nice wins against the 3rdinals and Brewers. In those two games he got 16 strikeouts in 16 innings.

Nolasco was 2-0 against the Astros last season, and now he’s on a streak of four straight quality starts. Hunter Pence is 2-for-5 against him and both hits were homers. Blum and Berkman also have homers off Nolasco, but Bourn, Lee, Quintero, and Matsui are a combined 0-for-15 against him.

Thursday
Mike Hampton (7-9, 5.30) v. Sean West (3-4, 4.88)

Hampton is questionable for this series, but he’s questionable for every series. He came out of his last start because of a torn something in his knee. If Hampton does pitch today, one guy to watch out for is Wes Helms who is 6-for-12 against him.

West has been up and down from the minors this year but has made 11 starts for the Fish. He’s lost his last two decisions, and he only went four innings in his last start though the team did get a win. No one on the Astros has faced him.

Injury Report

Houston – Berkman, Boone, Brocail, and Hawkins are all out. Mike Hampton is listed as questionable for this series, and Roy is probable. Keep your fingers crossed.

Florida – Alfredo Amezaga and Scott Procter are out for the season. Anibal Sanchez is on a rehab assignment. Reliever Burke Bradenhop is out, and another reliever, Kiko Calero, is questionable for this series.

Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.

SEASONS IN HELL, VOL. I, No. 6

August 7-9, 2009
Brewers (54-54) vs. Astros (53-55)

I can’t help about the shape I’m in
I can’t sing, I ain’t pretty, and my legs are thin
But, don’t ask me what I think of you
I might not give the answer that you want me to

OH WELL. For a little while there right around the All Star break, the Astros were playing like maybe they were going to do something weird this season, like hang around in the NL Central long enough to find themselves in some kind of pennant race. But after getting screwy in St. Looey this past weekend (the series loss there ameliorated somewhat by a gem of a debut – as a starter – by Bud Norris on Sunday) and then being less than defiant with the Giants, we are looking now at three days in the sewer with the Brewers, as life with the Lovable Mediocrities a/k/a Astros starts feeling again like it usually does, or has in the last few seasons, anyway – revving it up to 6000 RPMs at the starting line, going nowhere really, really fast.

We should be used to these ups and downs by now. This is a streaky team; but not so much ‘streaky’ in the sense they run hot and cold. More like streaky in the sense that a drunk driver is streaky about staying between the lane markers. He gets himself between the lines at times, but that is usually just on the way from one shoulder to the other.

Which leads us back, once again, to the captain of this ghost trawler of a team. It is hard to separate fact from fict what Justice and deJesus, et al, throw up against the sports page every day, to see what sticks; but we have heard over and over now, sometimes from pretty reliable sources even, that in addition to his puzzling managerial moves and then puzzling-er explanations for them afterwards, Astros Manager Cecil Cooper has long ago lost the respect and even attention of his players, maybe way back last season, even. That’s not good.

The whole recent scenario with pitcher Russ Ortiz is instructive. Cooper did not like Ortiz, as he made it plain. His reasons given were that Ortiz nibbled too much around the plate, but it is hard not to think there was more to it. I cannot blame Cooper for not liking a particular player – there is no way to have 25-30 highly motivated and egotistical people working for you, and like all of them. Despite the fact that from what I’ve read, many considered Ortiz the decent sort as ballplayers go – certainly no Shawn Chacon – Cooper should be allowed his personal preferences, like anyone else. What grates is his inability to conceal his distaste for Ortiz, which if nothing else lead to the common assumption that maybe it played into how Cooper used Ortiz as a player.

Puzzling early-season exile to the bullpen aside, the truth is Ortiz pitched himself out of a job. That was not wholly unexpected, and there was no real defense for him when he was unceremoniously released last week, after another bad start, this time against the FTCubs. What was troubling was that Cooper had allowed so much extracurricular speculation play into things at all, simply because he could not conduct himself with discretion when it came to clubhouse personality conflicts. If there is a quicker way to “lose” your team than allowing private grievances with individual players to come to light in the media, then you’ll have to tell me what it is.

**********

Friday August 7, 2009
Game Time: 7:05 p.m.
Television: FSSW-HD, MLB.TV
Promotions: Retro Workout T-Shirt. “Retro,” I guess, because of the vaguely 1970s-style lettering used in the Astros logo on the front. I was hoping for something more Jamie Lee Curtis in Perfect but, oh well. I guess, I wouldn’t mind seeing Mallory Conger in that T-shirt, though. Or maybe BudGirl, or BatGirl. . . Oh well, again. :sigh:

Saturday August 8, 2009
Game Time: 6:05 p.m.
Television: FSSW-HD, MLB.TV
Promotions: Craig Biggio T-shirt. The economy isn’t coming back quickly enough, an injection of Craig Biggio T-shirts is welcomed. We need more of those. Preferably attractively modeled, too. Girls?

Sunday August 9, 2009
Game Time: 1:05 p.m.
Television: FSSW-HD, MLB.TV
Promotions: Astros Back-To-School Backpack. Probably cheaply made, it’ll fall apart by Thanksgiving break. But, the price is good. I’m sure the first 10,000 kids 15 and under will be glad to be reminded back-to-school is just around the corner. And, you know, I wouldn’t mind seeing      insert name here      in a backpack, yes.

**********

Here they come
Skipping into town
9-17 in July
But on a roll just now

Hey, hey, they’re the Brewers
Gayest little team around
They get upset if your buzz them
And swing their little purses around

Hey, hey, it’s the Brewers. . .

GAY BREWERS. With an 9-11 record since the All Star break, here comes the new toast of the NL Central, the Milwaukee Brewers. Yes, they are fresh off a 2-1 series win in LA, albiet one where in the loss the biggest Brewer of them all went apeshit at being plunked in the ass, of all places – hard to miss that ass – and then in his anger tried to rearrange Dodger Stadium. Literally. At any rate, the Brewskies now find themselves in essentially in the same boat as the Astros, standings-wise. Each team has not played well enough, one would think, to be in contention for anything besides 4th place in the division, but each finds itself still theoretically still “in the hunt”, mostly because the division standard bearers, the 3rdinals and the FTCubs, haven’t played much better.

The difference is, one senses the Brewers could still possibly pull out of their recent mediocrity and make a run. Something like that is harder to imagine for the Astros.

Milwaukee’s main draw-down this season has been pitching. In fact, playing in a more pitcher-friendly park, the Brewers pitching is markedly worse than even the Astros is, if you can imagine that. Especially the starting pitching. Aside from staff leader Yovani Gallardo (10-8, 3.59), the Brewers rotation at the moment is comprised of journeyman Braden Looper (10-5, 4.84), disappointing propsect Manny Parra (6-8, 6.63), erstwhile reliever Carlos Villanueva (2-8, 5.98) (in lieu of Jeff Suppan, who is on the DL), and never-was Mike Burns (2-4, 6.06). That bunch collectively has a record of 29-33 with a 5.05 ERA. The overworked bullpen has done somewhat better, but there have been some ugly recent blowouts, the most recent Tuesday night in LA, when the Brewers had their asses handed to them, 4-17. In their last 10 games, the Brewers have given up 10+ runs four times, and gave up 8 in another. All the offense in the world is going to have a tough time overcoming a staff that hemorrhages runs at that rate.

In the longer view, the Brewers are in the midst of a run that their fans may live to really, really regret. They are into the fourth season, roughly, of a period where the organization has drafted, developed, and brought to the majors one of the best collections of young talent to come along in awhile – guys like Prince Fielder and Rickie Weeks and Ryan Braun and Corey Hart and J.J. Hardy on offense, and Gallardo and Parra on the mound. And yet, save for a wild card berth and early exit from the NLDS last season, courtesy of the Phillies, the Brewers have essentially nothing to show for it, so far. And now it appears they may be regressing. They may still rebound and make a classic run and blow the ‘missed opportunities’ stigma away for good. For their long-suffering fans’ sake, I hope so. That is a bitter, bitter pill to swallow.

On the other hand, no I don’t. What do I care about Brewerfan? Fuck them. I hope they are stressing now about how all that young talent is piling up the service time, and moving closer and closer to arbitration and/or free agency. Too bad, suckers.

**********

PITCHING MATCHUPS

Friday August 7, 2009
Game Time: 7:05 p.m.
Television: FSSW-HD, MLB.TV
Matchup: Brewers – Carlos Villanueva (2-8, 5.98). Villanueva has made two starts since being inserted in the rotation for Suppan. Both were short stints, as he’s attempted to stretch out his pitch counts. His most recent outing, against San Diego last Sunday, was a good one; he held the Padres scoreless through five, allowing only two hits. Astros – Bud Norris (1-0, 0.90). This will be his first outing since last Sunday’s 7 inning, 2 hit, 0 run performance in St. Louis. Needless to say, it will be interesting to see how Norris follows that up.

Saturday August 8, 2009
Game Time: 6:05 p.m.
Television: FSSW-HD, MLB.TV
Matchup: Brewers – Manny Parra (6-8, 6.33). Parra has been pretty sucky all season, having fully earned the bad record and that ugly, ugly ERA. He gives up a lot of hits, a lot of walks, and a fair amount of long balls, to boot. And his legs are thin. Parra was supposed to be a mainstay on this staff, but I don’t see it, at all. Astros – Roy Oswalt (6-4, 3.61). If his back is okay – right now I guess it is about 50-50 that Roy will make this start. If he cannot go, it will likely be Hampton instead.

Sunday August 9, 2009
Game Time: 1:05 p.m.
Television: FSSW-HD, MLB.TV
Matchup: Brewers – Yovani Gallardo (10-8, 3.59). Gallardo got clobbered his last time out, giving up 10 hits and 9 ERs to the Dodgers on Tuesday, in 5 1/3 innings. That blew up his ERA; he had been the most consistently good Brewer starter up to then. The LA game was likely an anomaly, I expect him to be tough.  Astros – Wandy Rodriguez (10-6, 2.63). Wandy, recovering from a hamstring he strained running the bases on August 1, should be a ‘go’ for this start. If so, it will be his first since being named NL Pitcher of the Month for July.
**********

Loved girls all over the country
Even met a few around the world
One thing I’ll never forget my mama
Down in Houston, Texas
Ooooh, Houston, Texas

HOUSTON CHICKS. Let me say up front that I am very sorry I’ll be missing what is turning out to be the social event of the season, it appears; namely Andymas – Andy Zipp’s birthday party bash Friday night at 18-20 Bar in Houston, 7 p.m. until. Happy birthday Andy, fredia, Debbie, and Darrin, and whoever all else. RSVP.

I really like that bar, from what I can remember, so I’ll miss seeing that. I understand the jukebox that evening will be pumping out vintage Black Sabbath and Pink Floyd all night, with maybe a little Ronnie James Dio mixed in there for fans of midget Satanists. Sweet. I’ll miss that, too.

Plus, I’ll miss meeting up with all the guys I argue and laugh with in the TZ all the time, too many of them to mention here. I think most of all, though, I will miss meeting up with all the SnS babes. I understand BatGirl will be there, buying drinks for all her faves. And the newly saucy and aggressive BudGirl will be present, doing whatever it is newly saucy and aggressive girls do. Plus, hopefully additional members of the distaff side of this place will be in attendance, drinking some of the guys under the table, not giving an inch to anyone.

I worked the clubs in Galveston
I couldn’t have been more than fifteen
Went wild when one of those boarding house mamas
Said, ‘Little boy, come on to Houston, live with me.’
O-oo-oh, Houston, Texas

Whenever SnS-ers feel like self-flagellating – which is pretty damn often in comparison to the rest of the population, if you ask me, but that is another subject. . . but, anyway, whenever we feel like patting ourselves on the back for what a great a site this is, we talk about the TZ or the GZ or the Bus or the technical know-how of Noe, Waldo, etc., or the terrific things happening on the front page now, or the burgeoning multi-media career of Zipp. And all those things are definitely part of what makes this site so awesome and unique (flagellate, flagellate). But one thing I don’t always hear mentioned in these conversations, is our chicks.

We got the best fucking baseball-literate, two-fisted drinking, physically attractive contibutor babes of any baseball fan site on the internet. Bar none. That is what makes SnS really unique and great. I’ll bet there’s not another fan site on the planet with as high a percentage of women regularly contributing concise, funny and thoughtful material as SnS has. We are damn lucky to have it.

If I live my life over
Don’t you know where I want to be
Somewhere out on the outskirts of Houston
Houston girl, take care of me
O-oo-oh, Houston, Texas

I’ll miss seeing all you guys Friday night, man, woman and child. Even Limey. As Bon Scott or someone once said, have a drink on me. And, as an aside – to my personal critic’s section/fan club, The Terrible BGs – maybe next time. I promise. Okay, you’ve heard that one before, but. . .

Houston chicks
Get their kicks out of
Taking care, care, care
Of the man that they love
O-oo-oh, Houston, Texas

**********

INJURIES

Houston
•LaTroy Hawkins (RHP), placed on the 15-day DL on August 3, due back August 18, with shingles. I’ll be honest, I’ve never really known what shingles is. For me, it always fell somewhere between the almost make-believe sounding afflictions one got from reading too much Robert Louis Stevenson as a youth – scurvy, ricketts, stuff like that – and the archaic-named illnesses that are known as something else today – such as the vapors/manic depression, or consumption/TB. But, in the interest of medical science and my own edification, I looked it up: Shingles is a viral skin infection, related to herpes, which causes a painful rash, usually on one side of the body. I’ll bet it is even more painful if one sweats and has tight-fitting clothes rubbing on it, like a short reliever might. Hence, the DL.

•Darin Erstad (OF-1B), placed on the 15-day DL on July 19, due back August 3 originally, with a strained left hamstring. Erstad is on a rehab assignment in Corpus Christi presently, and may be back with the club in time for this series. He has had a rough time of it this season even when healthy, trying to make the adjustment to being a little-used bench player.

•Aaron Boone (INF), placed on the 60-day DL in spring training, due back September 1, after undergoing open heart surgery. Boone continues a pretty amazing comeback, starting a rehab assignment next week. One would assume Boone is at this point mainly trying to prove something to himself. If so, more power to him.

•Michael “Afterburner” Bourn (OF), not in the DL, but day-to-day after straining his groin on August 5, possibly can return for this series. Talking about groin injuries make me uncomfortable. For a guy like Bourn, whose game is based largely on his legs, it has to be debilitating to wonder, every time you take off, if your are going to feel that dull “pop”, followed by mucho pain. I am not going to talk about this anymore.

•Lance Berkman (1B), placed on the 15-day DL on July 20, due back August 7, with a strained left calf. It seems highly unlikely Berkman will be back Friday, as scheduled. He may in fact be out for quite awhile longer, adding to the Astros woes.

•Roy Oswalt (RHP), not on the DL, day-to-day after lower back pain forced him to cut short a start on July 28. Roy was reportedly discouraged after a throwing session Monday, raising fears there might be something more to his injury than originally suspected. He threw again Tuesday off of flat ground and felt better. His scheduled start this Saturday would have to be considered possible at this point.

•Wandy Rodriguez (LHP), not on the DL, day-to-day after leaving his August 1 start early with a strained right hamstring. He will throw Wednesday in the bullpen and, unless he has a setback, he is the probable starter for Sunday’s series opener.

Milwaukee
•Pitchers – David Bush (RHP), 15-day, June 20-August 15, arm fatigue; Chris Capuano (LHP), 60-day, 2007-2010, Tommy John surgery; Seth McClung (RHP), 15-day, July 25-unknown, sprained right elbow; David Riske (RHP), 60-day, June 1-next year, torn elbow tendon; Jeff Suppan (RHP), 15-day, July 27-August 10, left oblique strain.

•Players – Corey Hart (OF), 15-day, August 1-Spetember 5, appendectomy; Rickie Weeks (2B), 60-day DL, May 17-Spring, 2010, torn tendon in right wrist.

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JACK SUTHERFORD: TEACHER, ICON, CULTURAL MONOLITH. Jack Sutherford awoke from a dark slumber, to realize it was 6:45 am out. “Holey smokes!’ he thought, out loud. He had to hurry. For most folks, waking up at 6:45 on a weekday wasn’t reason to worry. They’d still have plenty of time to get ready and reach their boring, meaningless jobs on time or somewhat late but not too much so. Which, that didn’t matter anyway. But for Jack Sutherford, waking up at such a late time was nothing more than a major tragedy. For you see, Jack Sutherford wasn’t just any body, and his job was not just a boring, meaningless job. Jack Sutherford, standing there now, looking coolly out his window at the dawn rising over the sparkling dirty waters of Tranquility Bay, the filtered sunlight coming in and glinting off of the dark, chiseled visage of his hirsute naked chest, Jack Sutherford was something like a New American Hero. Jack Sutherford, you see, was a teacher; a teacher, through and through, and now, in the dawn’s early light, he quickly prepared himself for his daily task, his cross to bear so to speak, in fact that is a pretty apt metaphor, because, like Jesus before him, Jack went out each day, armed only with his wits and his hirsute, tanned and chiseled chest, and he COMBATED IGNORANCE.

As Jack pulled on a wrinkled pair of slacks he’d picked up off the easy chair across from the foot of his bed, he hoped traffic wasn’t too bad out on NSAA (National Space and Argricultural Association) Road 11. Which ran from close to his house to the interstate. As he tied the laces on one of his pair of cheap wingtips shoes, he thought, Boy, I hope I can get to Interstate 54 and go north up to Meyerland Island, which is where he taught, at a tough private Chrisitan school there, the Palm Christian Academy, without too much delay. Jack was late, and he didn’t like to be late. He didn’t intend to be. Its like his friend REDRyan told him once, “You shouldn’t have to worry about getting there politically correctly, as long as you get there at all.”

That’s how it goes when your COMBATING IGNORANCE, Jack thought, as he kissed his sleeping wife on the cheek on his way out the door, tying a shorthand Windsor knot in his paisley tie with one hand while pulling on the navy Perry Ellis sportscoat with the other, heading for his Ford Escape, his “urban assault vehicle” he laughed to himself, before climbing in to head for the mean streets of Meyerland. The air was thick and heavy, the clouds scudding across the washed out sky in military-like formations. “Ominous, ” Jack thought.

As he drove up the I-54 causeway across Tranquility Bay and into Meyerland, he passed Wiki Island on his left, Jack noting those a-holes from Wiki-Land, their kids thought they knew everything but half of what they knew was wrong or at least un-cited. People think teaching in a private Christian school on a sunny, tropical-like island to a bunch of wealthy kids is a cushy job, but Jack knew different. As he steered his Escape to the left and got on 16th Street, everywhere he looked were neat, well-trimmed lawns and nice houses, a lot nicer than Jack would ever have, on his $45K a year teacher’s stipend. “Damned morons,” Jack thought, idly. The world is really on its ear. This surburban gangland held hidden threats everywhere, and Jack was wary. He knew damn well the reason he had no tenure at all and had to scramble for a new job every summer was because he was out to upset the applecart, and everybody knew it, too. You can bet that. COMBATING IGNORANCE was a lonely, bitter job. Maybe he’d sit down and write a book about it one day, even self-publish it, if he had to. “As long you get there,” REDRyan had said, swigging back another shot of Viagra, “even if all your Yuku friends ban you, as long as there is still one person (or two, or three, or more, whatever) down inside you who thinks you did right, well. . .”

The massive SUV wheeled into the clean, tree-lined parking lot next to the school, and pulled smoothly into the reserved parking space. One thing Jack knew he had going for him was his super-intelligence, but also there was his athletic build, got from his years spent on the playing fields of Tranquility Lake and Allenville. Maybe not quite a legend in his time, he’d nonetheless been a better than average athlete and, who knows? If one or two things had gone differently here or there along the way, Jack might have ended up a professional ballplayer, privy to all that a professional ballplayer’s lifestyle brings. Wine, women, and song. And enough money not to care about anything, just you and your soulmate, sitting in a hot tub somewhere. . . Jack shook out of his reverie as he swiped his ID card through the security lock and entered the cool, wide, clean hallway in the west annex of Palm Christian Academy. He never made the pros, Jack thought, but he kept the athletic build. He pretty often caught the young teenage girls at the academy, the ones with the firm bodies and pretty legs under those old-fashioned schoolgirl skirts and blouses. . . he caught them looking away quickly when they saw him look up. They were checking him out, Jack thought I look pretty good in these slacks, even wrinkled. He bet more than a few had fallen asleep at night with fevered dreams of Mr. Sutherford in their heads. Jack laughed to himself, as he turned the corner and headed down the main hallway. His pleasant thoughts would be short-lived, today like everyday, because he would soon be in his classroom, getting ready for his first period class. COMBATING IGNORANCE was a thankless, grim undertaking, Jack knew. And he knew he was just the man for it. The cadence ran through his head as he approached and then unlocked the door to his classroom. Cultural Icon. Hero. Man of Importance. Monolith of Virtue. Jack Sutherford, Teacher.

**********

Astros win the series, 3-0, or – depending on how the starting pitching shakes out/shapes up – maybe 2-1.

I am just a cowboy, lonesome on the trail
Lord, Im just thinking about a certain female
The nights we spent together, riding on the range
Looking back, it seems so strange

Roll me over and turn me around
Let me keep spinning ‘til I hit the ground
Roll me over and let me go
Running free with the buffalo

~from “The Ballad of Jack Sutherford” (self-distributed through 3707 Records, 3707 Ardless St., Allenville, TZ)

THE WEATHER

Black are the brooding clouds and troubled the deep waters, when the Sea of Thought, first heaving from a calm, gives up its Dead. ~Charles Dickens

There’s always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down. ~Don Delillo

Still falls the rain
Dark as the world of man, black as our loss
Blind as the nineteen-hundred-and-forty nails upon the Cross. ~ Dame Edith Stillwell

‘I love you,’ said the rain
Kissing the ground with her raindrop kisses
Embracing him with her dark, heavy, pendulous, sagging clouds
Caressing him here and there with her winds that she blew from her tiny mouth
Somewhere, a volcano was erupting with the force of a ten thousand megaton atom bomb. . .

~ “I Love You Said The Rain”, Jack Sutherford, from The Collected Poems of Jack Sutherford, D.I.Y Press, 1400 PacMo Blvd., Osteen City, TZ

 

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It’s a simple message and I’m leaving out the whistles and bells

That was a tough road trip.  I’m not sure what was worse, getting a Johnny Wad-style pounding by the Cubs or losing two-of-three to the Jakes.  Who am I kidding?  It was the 4-game set in Chicago.  The games against the Co-Ards were all winnable, they aren’t a terrible team and they were at home (advantage Thirds, even if their stadium is named after an untimely reminder to go and see your waxologist).

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