BOOM!
With the departure of Pudge this week, the reigning question for the remainder of the season is, “To blow up, or not blow up?” (We’ve stopped asking “what?” “why?” and “how?” about Coop, because it sounds like we’re doing grammar flashcards with a second grader) Even though the trade deadline is past, another waiver-assisted trade would not be impossible.
Miggy and Papa Grande are still strong chips, as is Hawkins; every contender could use another bullpen arm, and a possible DH who’s hitting over .300 would be enticing to many AL teams. WadeSmith is being circumspect in public, but who knows what machinations are taking place behind closed doors? Since it definitely appears that we’re not buyers right now, why not sell some of the valuable pieces for some young starting pitching, and give us a 2010 that’s worth looking forward to, instead of one that’s remarkably similar to 2009.
But nevermind that shit, here comes Mongo The D-backs. They’ve lost so many pitchers to injury this season that they actually inquired about Mark Prior at the trade deadline, just so that they could have an entire rotation of 15+ game winners on the DL at the same time. So we can hope for some potent offense this home series. Then again, we’re not sending out a single starter who has a sub-4 ERA, including Roy and Golden Boy Bud Norris. Will any of these starters make it (or be allowed to make it) past the 6th? Magic 8-Ball says:
Shit! This thing is busted.
Well, if you’re at these games, take it as your opportunity to boo Coop, or pull Drayton aside to tell him that you have an important message for him from Bud Selig re: Coop.
Friday, August 21st
7:05 CT, MMPUS
Yusmeiro Petit (2-7, 6.47) v. Roy Oswalt (6-4, 4.01)
Yusmeiro The Less hasn’t won more than 3 games in a season, ever. And he’s been a starter most of that time. He’s an epic amount of suck. He’s the GI Joe movie of starting pitchers, especially in the sense that it’ll be entertaining to watch stuff blow up around him. Current ‘stros haven’t actually hit him all that well, but at least they’ve faced them, which means the Rookie Curse thing shouldn’t be an issue.
The Mississippi Midget is looking to rebound from a shittastic outing on Sunday where he lucked out by getting a no-decision despite giving up five runs. D-backs, collectively, have hit just .200 against Roy, with Stephen Drew the only exception at .412.
Saturday, August 22nd
6:05 CT, MMPUS
Max Scherzer (7-7, 4.00) v. Brian Moehler (7-9, 5.40)
The pitcher whose name sound like a sneeze v. the pitcher whose name sounds like the worst possible deployment of the “(blank) ‘er? I barely know ‘er?” joke. Lovely. Scherzer has faced the Astros once before in relief and mowed the entire lineup down. No one, I mean no one, has gotten so much as a hit off the douchebag. Seriously. Let’s hit him so hard that his name becomes easier to pronounce.
Moehler. Gawd. There are so many times that he looks like he has #4 starter stuff, and that’s literally the best thing you can say about the guy. Yet he’s one of the morst consistent members of the staff this year. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2009 Houston Astros! In limited exposure, the D-backs have hit him well, particularly Mark Reynolds, who has a preposterous 2.000 slugging percentage against him. I think mathematically that means that he hits 2 HRs every AB against Moehler.
Sunday, August 23rd
1:05 CT, MMPUS
Jon Garland (6-11, 4.42) v. Bud Ice Norris (3-1, 4.05)
Garland continues to show why it’s a crap shoot to spend a lot of money on a free agent pitcher, posting the worst season of his career after leaving Chicago’s South Side for the desert. Must be the heat and the soul-crushing sight of 15,000 retirees and unemployed schlubs in the seats. Wait, how is that different from the White Sox? Oh yeah, the horrible violent crime. Duh. Bourn, Michaels, and Tejada should all have a field day with Garland, as would Maysonet (.333) if Cooper ever acknowledges his existence.
Bud took his first loss last time out, and if you think he’s happy about it, you better fucking check yourself before he rips your idiot head off and throws it up Tal’s Hill. He’s never faced the D-Backs, and their lineup looks like a fantasy baseball keeper-league wet dream from 2007, so he should be just fine.
Injuries
Astros:
Aaron Boone – awaiting September call-up, getting ready for heart-warming round of PR. But not too heart-warming…gotta let that thing recover.
Doug Brocail – knawing on what’s left of Brandon Backe in his cage
Mike Hampton – “It’s unchartered waters”, says Mike, about hurting his rotator cuff. Really? Really? A trip to the DL with an aching arm is new to you? I’ll buy that it’s a new part of your arm, but like a 70’s British car, I guess every part has to break at some point.
Wesley Wright – Still in the Phantom Zone, for his own safety.
D-Backs
Eric Byrnes – Infected hair highlights
Tom Gordon – Still running from that Stephen King beastie
Conor Jackson – Died of dysentery on the way to Oregon
Scott Schoeneweis – What’s depression?
Justin Upon – strained expectations
Brandon Webb – found out he was the adopted child of Mike Hampton and Kerry Wood. Arm promptly fell off.
Promotions!
Friday: Gold Star Cap “collectible”.
Delicious!
Good thing they told us it’s a collectible, because it looks like a birthday cake from Kroger. Over/under on number of eating-related injuries to fans: 200
Saturday: Faith and Family Night, with a concert by MercyMe after the game. As mentioned in this space before, Christian rock doesn’t have to be the worst example of both of those words. This week’s example: Anathallo.
Sunday: School Supply Set! Oh boy! And it’s Scouts Day, which means that pedophiles get both bait and prey. Root for the Good Guys!
What to Watch For:
Flying objects, as many of them will be leaving the field of play this weekend.