NEW YORK, NY (AP) –

The Houston Astros’ (52-73, 4^th in AL West) stable hands unloaded several star-emblazoned covered wagons at Yankee Stadium Monday night, all too aware of the significance of the upcoming series.  For many, the trip to New York has been a lifelong dream.  After years toiling in the minor leagues, only to be “called up” to the big leagues in, of all places, Houston, a trip to the Big Apple is the modern-world’s equivalent of eating Foie Gras at Betony’s for the first time.

Where will they park their horses?  Did they bring their own spittoons?  They know spurs aren’t welcome at Eleven Madison, right?  Let’s hope they branded one of their saddles with a subway map.

But while our friends from the dusty Old West gather their bearings in the bright lights of The City, a larger question looms: Just how awesome is Derek Jeter?

1996 Rookie of the Year, 2000 World Series MVP, five-time Gold Glove winner and easily the best Yankee shortstop in the past 20 years.  3,436 career hits.  Five World Series wins.  Celebrity girlfriends.  Celebrity poker buddies.  A smile that glistens in darkness.  Skin as soft and supple as the sand at Wainscott Beach.  Eyes that inspire men to act boldly, confidently; as if the weight of the world is but that of a feather.  Biceps that bulge bravely beneath pin-striped sleeves.  A scent that both attracts and deters West African lions.  This is where he resides when the world is awake; otherwise he lives in our dreams.

But do the Astros Re2pect him?  Surely they admire him and have watched almost all of his games, but do they really know what they’re getting into this week?  This is THE LAST TIME they will EVER play against DEREK JETER at YANKEE STADIUM.

I’m not sure they’re worthy.

Tuesday 8/19/14

Oberholtzer (4-8) vs Capuano (1-3)

First 10,000 fans get the chance to be the first 10,000 paying customers to look at Derek Jeter.

Wednesday, 8/20/14

Feldman (6-9) vs Pineda (2-2)

Hal Newhouser Bobblehead Night

Thursday, 8/21/14

Keuchel (10-8) vs McCarthy (7-12)

First 20,000 get Derek Sings Sinatra compilation album.

Astros Injuries

Nothing new

Yankees Injuries

Tanaka isn’t available.

Follow the action in the GZ!

Invaders From The North

Minnestoa Twins (52-64) @ Houston Astros (49-69)

Just when you think the Astros may be starting to put things together and understand what it takes to win at this level, they drop a stinker like Sunday’s loss to the Rangers. The game started well but then took a dramatic turn, and the Astros showcased all of the things that they can do so poorly. Hopefully that’s just a one-game brain fart and they’ll realize that they aren’t good enough to try to put things on cruise control. Their current .415 winning percentage puts them on pace for 67 wins to avoid their fourth straight 100-loss season, which would be nice. I can’t remember who had 67 in the RFTL; I think I had 65, which is definitely still in range.

Monday, August 11, 7:10 CDT

Tommy Milone (6-3, 3.55) vs Brad Peacock (3-8, 5.44)

Milone came over to the Twins on July 31 in the Sam Fuld trade, but he hasn’t pitched since July 4, so this will be his first outing as a Twinkie. In his last three starts prior to coming over he was 1-0 with a 3.50 ERA and 12 Ks. Milone has seen quite a few of the current Astros, and he owns them: 10 hits in 56 ABs, with only three walks, for a .179/.220/.250 line. Yikes.

You may want to seek out alternative entertainment Monday night: in his last three starts, Peacock is 0-3 with a 16.00 ERA and 7 Ks. I have no idea how he struck out 7 people. He has only faced three current Twins, and those three only have a combined 2 hits in 7 ABs against him, but those two hits are a double and a home run. I expect this game to resemble a pinball machine in action, at least when the Twins are at bat.

Tuesday, August 12, 7:10 CDT

Yohan Pino (1-4, 4.59) vs Collin McHugh (4-9, 3.18)

Pino is in his rookie year, and he is 0-1 with 4.50 ERA and 13 Ks in his last three starts. He has never faced any of the Astros, and he’s a right-hander, and we all know what that means.

McHugh is this year’s poster child for poor support. In his last three outings, in particular, he is 0-1 with a 2.75 ERA and 22 Ks in 19.2 innings. He is the unfortunate soul whose should-have-been 5-1 win was cruelly squandered by the bullpen last Thursday, but that’s just the latest insult in a season-long string of them. I have high hopes for this game; if the Astros are going to win a game in this series, I expect that this will be the one. But it will probably require a complete game effort from McHugh.

Wednesday, August 13, 1:10 CDT

Kyle Gibson (10-9, 4.13) vs Brett Oberholtzer (4-7, 4.05)

Gibson is 2-1 with a 3.79 ERA and 16 Ks in his last three starts. Current Astros are 6-27 against him, with two doubles and no other extra-base hits. Robbie Baseball seems to see him best: he’s 2-2. A possible harbinger of good things to come: only three of the 21 outs were Ks, so the Astros at least put the ball in play against him. Maybe some of those balls will start to drop.

Oberholtzer had a rough start to the year, but he apparently figured something out during his June trip to OKC. Since coming back up he’s had 7 starts, he’s pitched into the 7th inning in all of them, he has a 3.28 ERA, and the Astros are 5-2 in those starts (and his record is 2-1). His last three starts are even better: 2-0 with a 3.05 ERA, and the Astros have won all three games. If he can keep this up he’ll be a useful piece for the future.

Injuries

Twins

Joe Mauer has been rehabbing a right oblique strain and may be back for this series. Ricky Nolasco is on a rehab assignment for a right elbow strain and may be back next week. And Mike Pelfrey is out with June elbow surgery; they say that he might be back in September, but that’s hard to believe.

Astros

Did you know that Matt Albers and Jesse Crain are injured? I know, that blew my mind, too. But Albers apparently threw off a mound last week, and Crain threw off flat ground over the weekend. I suppose it’s possible that Albers may make an appearance before the year is over, but I wouldn’t count on Crain.

Fowler’s intercostal strain is healed enough that he is on a rehab stint in OKC and may be back soon. Presley (strained right oblique) is nearly ready to begin a rehab assignment. Springer took BP yesterday and may be able to ease his way back into the lineup as DH this week. Guzman (back spasms) could be back in a week, but there’s no real hurry, big fella, so take your time; we might be able to find you some ABs in November.

Zeid’s season is over after undergoing surgery on August 6 for bilateral sesamoiditis, which is actually a foot problem but sounds like something that might have afflicted George Brett or Kaz Matsui.

Miscellaneous

Apparently the Twins are a big enough draw by themselves that there’s no need to juice the crowd with giveaways, so the only promotions will be Coca-Cola Value Days on Monday and Wednesday.

submitted by Mr. Happy

Lookie here!

Aug. 8 7:10 CDT-Miles Mikolas (R 1-4 7.29) v. Brett Oberholtzer (L 4-7 4.17)

Aug. 9 6:10 CDT-Yu Darvish (R 10-6 2.82) v. Scott Feldman (R 5-8 4.13)

Aug. 10 1:10 CDT-Nick Martinez (1-8 5.31) v. Dallas Keuchel (L 10-7 2.89)

Wellsir, can we all agree that this season hasn’t gone the way that the Texas stRangers thought it would go?  Can we also agree that the one who is smiling like a shit-eating Cheshire cat about the stRangers season is the Old Man?  I too couldn’t be happier about taking joy in the stRangers’ travails, even if one of my prized fantasy players, who’s out for the season, is Jurickson Profar.

Profar is one of 13, count ‘em, 13, players on the DL, including newly acquired Prince Fielder.  Ten of those players are on the 60-day DL.  The bottom line: the stRangers are exactly that-a hodge-podge of AAA/AAAA journeymen who won’t be there next season.  I predict that Ron Washington won’t be back either, not that he could have done a thing to change the situation.

In any event, fuck, no, double fuck, the stRangers and their front-running so-called fans.  DFW makes me puke.

Aug. 8 7:10 CDT-Miles Mikolas (R 1-4 7.29) v. Brett Oberholtzer (L 4-7 4.17)

The Astros have enjoyed hitting against Mikolas, enjoying a robust .524 BA (11-21) and a 1.429 OPS.  Every single Astro who has stood in against Mikolas has at least one hit.  Every single one.  Jon Singleton is 2-3 with a home run, and Matt Dominguez is 2-2 against Mikolas.  The stRangers are hitting .239 (11-46) against our portsider.  Leading the stRangers futility train are no less luminaries than Elvis Andrus (0-7 with four Ks) and Alex Rios (0-6 with three Ks).  On the other hand, Oberholtzer has to pitch carefully to the ever dangerous Adrian Beltre, who’s 3-4 with a two-bagger and an RBI.

If Mikolas pitches the way that he’s been pitching, we should score some runs in this game.  The question will be how Oberholtzer pitches, because he’s 3-3 4.56 at home.  His ERA is almost a run better on the road (3.74).

Aug. 9 6:10 CDT-Yu Darvish (R 10-6 2.82) v. Scott Feldman (R 5-8 4.13)

Red alert: the Good Guys have seen lots of Darvish, and they are hitting a paltry .178 (23-129) with five home runs against the tall right-hander.  The Piranha is a cool 3-20 against Darvish.  Not to be outdone, Jason “Not Another Passed Ball” Castro is 2-15 and Chris Carter is an awful 1-14 with eight Ks against Darvish.  The lone potential bright spots are Robbie Grossman and Marc Krauss, who are each 3-11 against Darvish.  Also of note is Matt Dominguez, who’s 4-17 with three taters against Darvish.

Scott Feldman has pitched like the 3/4 that his ability would indicate that he is.  The problem is that he’s our 1 and is facing a true 1 tonight.  Feldman’s former club has seen him a lot, hitting .244 (40-164 with five long balls).  The tall right-hander has to pitch carefully to Alex Rios, who’s 12-41 with four doubles and three dongs against him.  Elvis Andrus and the recently acquired off of the waiver wire Mike Carp are each 4-12 against Feldman.  On the other hand, Shin-Soo Choo is a putrid 1-17 with five Ks against Feldman.

I see very little chance of coming out of this one with a W.  But hope springs eternal.

Aug. 10 1:10 CDT-Nick Martinez (1-8 5.31) v. Dallas Keuchel (L 10-7 2.89)

The Astros haven’t seen much of Mr. Martinez, but what they’ve seen, they’ve liked facing the rookie, to the tune of .357 (5-14).  Matty D is a perfect 2-2 against the 24-year old Martinez.

Meanwhile, the stRangers are hitting .232 (32-138) against the 26-year old portsider.  Alex Rios is 5-15 with two doubles against Keuchel.  Elvis Andrus is 4-22 against Keuchel, who’s 3-4 2.60 at home this season.

If the Arkansan pitches his typical this season game, the Astros should prevail.

Promotions

Aug. 8-The first 10,000 lucky fans will get a Cowboy Boot Mug from Xfinity!!! Woo hoo!!! Just what I needed-not.

Aug. 9-The first 10,000 will receive a Cowboy Hat from Xfinity.

Aug. 10-The cheap bastards ain’t givin’ away nothing!  Damnit.

Injury Updates

stRangers-Only Joe Shit the Rag Man isn’t on the DL.  The injuries range from excess nudity (Prince “I’m really svelte” Fielder) to excessive pud pulling (everyone else).

Good Guys-Some of the same old guys (Jose Cisnero, Matt Albers and Jesse Crain) as well as some newer names, including Dexter Fowler, who may be going out on a rehab assignment on August 8, Josh Zeid, who’s out for the season with foot surgery for a condition that I’d never heard of before, Jesus Guzman, who’s ailing with back spasms, George Springer, who apparently tweaked a quad down at Quad Cities on rehab and scheduled to be reevaluated on August 8 and Alex Presley, who has a strained right oblique, but who might be going out on rehab assignment on August 8 too.

Prediction

Astros take two out of three.  Come see us in the GameZone.

Astros @ Phillies Series Preview

Motown Philly back again, doin’ a little East Coast fling.  Boyz II Men goin’ off.  Not too hard, not too soft.

I don’t really know what those lyrics mean.  I mean, Motown Philly – got it.  East Coast fling – sure.  Boys to men, goin’ off – not too hard, not too soft.  Really?   I’ll pass, thank you.

But somehow, I’m intrigued.  I remember digging this song when I was 13 or so at Pershing Middle School, roaming the halls, avoiding eye contact with girls, hoping that only I could see the hash-marked mustache that dared me to shave it.  So let’s check out the video to see if it sparks any nostalgia.

NOPE

I’m even more confused.  They’re at a birthday party, got it.  They can do synchronized Hammer/Kid N Play dances, so that’s a check.  They’re in Philly.  I guess Temple University is also in Philly – didn’t know that.  Something called the Alex Vanderpoolera is coming soon, so there’s that.  Is that Spike Lee rapping on the toilet?  And under the kitchen table?  What the fuck is this?

I liked this video?  I can’t imagine what my hippie parents thought.

At least I still have this.

***

Tuesday 8/5/14

Kuechel vs Kendrick

Surely will be completed by the time I post this “Preview”

Wednesday 8/6/14

Peacock vs Buchanan

Yay! Peacock is back!

Thursday 8/7/14

McHugh vs Hernandez

***

Promotions

Apparently nothing.

***

Injuries

Phillies

Mike Adams – thought he played for STL?

Domonic Brown – wants to change the first ‘o’ to an ‘e’

Cliff Lee – is older than Coach

John Mayberry – stuck watching Andy Griffith shows

Astros

Albers is throwing off a mound, Fowler started his rehab yesterday, Springer is in the minors rehabbing.  Other people are also injured.

***

Astros win the series