By Craig Elliott

The Astros were having one steaming pile of a road trip until Wandy drove the bus home Thursday. And we’ve all seen enough Jeff Kent to last a season. But on the bright side, Brad Ausmus is second in the league in hitting.

Anyway, it’s those goddamned Rockies again. But if my handy mousepad-schedule is correct, this is the last time the Astros will have to look at the Pebbles this year.

After sweeping the Astros last weekend, the Rockies lost two of three to the Jakes, but they’re still leading the West. Todd Helton is healthy again, and Matt Holiday is leading the team in homers (10) and RBI (33). He’s also batting .481 over his last 14 games.

When:
Friday, May 12, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 13, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, May 14, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest broadcast. Saturday’s game will be on the Rocky Mountain version.

Where: MMPUS

The Astros are starting a nine-game homestand, and it’s about time. After the Rockies series, get ready for Barry’s Circus, followed by the Rangers. On Sunday, there’s a Mother’s Day special, where moms get to walk the bases (courtesy of Brad Lidge), and then they all get free massages. So remember to bring Mom to the game, but she may need a cold shower afterward.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros have lost four straight since last week, and there are three games left on the roadtrip before a weekend homestand. They’ve rallied late in the past two games, but just a little too late. Now it’s time for a late-night series with the Dodgers. Thursday’s game is a day-game though, so set the TiVO.

The Dodgers just swept the Brewers, but before that they were swept in two-game series by both the Padres and Snakes. The Dodgers have been slipping in the West standings while the Rockies, D-Backs, and Padres have all been hot.

When:
Tuesday, May 9, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 10, 9:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 11, 2:10 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the L.A. broadcast, so maybe you’ll get to hear Vin Scully. Though last year he was butchering Astros’ names.

Where: Dodger Stadium

Dodger fans have finally started showing up on time, since Jeff Kent called them all pussies for not hustling.

Well, not really. But they are still pussies.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros just lost a disappointing series to the Rockies, while the Giants lost all three to the Phillies. In fact, they’re 1-6 this month.

The Giants are getting banged up with injuries (Moises Alou) but the spotlight is all on FrankenBarry again. But the Astros website says Barry probably won’t play today, I guess because of the late game at Philly last night. Or he got one of his huge man-teats caught in a wringer or something.

When:
Monday, May 8, 9:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The game will be broadcast on the side of Barry Bonds’  giant fucking head by Bay Area Fox. Settle in for late-night broadcasts all week, by the way, because Dodger Stadium is next.

Where: AT&T Park

Well we know they don’t have a roof. Reception is probably better that way.

The Giants have slipped below .500 and are bringing up the rear in the NL West. So to speak.

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By Craig Elliott

Yeah baby, that’s the way to run those fucking shitbird Jakes outta town! It may have been a short series, but it sure felt good to see a couple of wins against the Co-Ards. The Astros are off to their best start ever at 19-9. Lance Berkman took over the Major League lead in RBIs, and he’s tied for third in homers. Berkman is also third in the NL in batting average, right ahead of … BRAD AUSMUS! Ah-hahahaha! And Ausmus is second in the league in OBP, right behind Pujols. OMFG.

No time to rest though, because now it’s off to Denver. Believe it or not, at 16-13 the Rukkakies are tied for first in the NL West. Which is roughly equivalent to fourth in the Central. They just split a pair with the soon-to-suck Reds. Colorado has been hurt with injuries and odd ailments this year, and Todd Helton should be back for this series.

When:
Friday, May 5, 8:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, May 7, 2:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Saturday’s games will be on the Colorado feed, and Sunday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: Coors Field

No offense to “Nate in Co,” but I fucking hate Denver sports fans. I knew several when I lived out west, and they’re like a cross between Cubs fans and Aggies. They have this creepy attachment to teams that suck, with a healthy dose of Aggie cult behavior. And they all want to call and talk on AM radio.

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