By Craig Elliott

I’m keeping this one short because I just had PRK laser eye surgery and it takes like a week to heal. And in the meantime my vision is all blurry and hazy and my eyes twitch. Sort of like Jason Lane trying to pick up a curveball.

It’s a good thing I had a shitload of painkillers this weekend, because that’s really the only way to handle a home sweep by the goddamn fucking Reds. Four RBI from Bronson Arroyo?? Some pissant Red can become an Astro-Killer overnight? Are you F’reel?

But at least we aren’t the Chicago Cubs. What a steaming pile their season has become. It’s like Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow kicked over a giant shitbucket instead of the lantern. The Cubs did take two of three from the Jakes over the weekend, but they’re still 12+ games out in the standings, and only two ahead of the Pirates.

When:
Monday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, June 6, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, June 7, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on Fox Southwest. Unless they get pre-empted by the irrelevant Rangers, which is happening a lot to me lately.

Where: MMPUS

Free T-Shirts on Wednesday. Also watch for details of the upcoming Orgy o’ Roger sales event, where everyone entering Minute Maid will be required to display at least 22 pieces of Roger flair.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros lost two of three to the fucking Jakes, though it could have easily been a sweep the other way. Houston is still looking up at Cincinnati in the standings, a totally disturbing and unnatural situation that can be corrected this weekend.

The Reds have lost five of their last six series, and they barely avoided a sweep Wednesday by the lame-ass Cubs. The Reds are still scoring a lot, standing at fifth in the league in runs and third in homers. They also just picked up Esteban Yan for the bullpen.

When:
Friday, June 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, June 3, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, June 4, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on Fox Southwest.

I was ready to settle in Wednesday and watch ESPN’s High-Definition broadcast, and then realized I was blacked out because the Astros include the entire state of Arkansas as part of their home territory. On second thought, maybe it was because I’m also in the Co-Ards’ territory. Whatever the reason, thanks a fucking million. I also tried the local Fox Southwest affiliate, and they were showing the Rangers. Double-fuck. So I ended up listening to the game on XM, with the awful Co-Ards’ announcers, while there was a national HD broadcast I could have been watching. Way to treat the fans, MLB.

Where: MMPUS

Lots of schwag this weekend, including playing cards on Friday, red caps on Saturday, and jerseys off the back and commemorative medallions on Sunday. Plus there will be fireworks on Friday, Astros Buddies Club on Saturday, and a youth parade on Sunday. And watch for a special guest appearance from Roger Clemens, who will hand out 22-ounce cups of ego to 10,000 lucky fans.

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By Craig Elliott

The Astros narrowly avoided a sweep at the hands of the Pirates, including an 18-inning travesty of justice that ended with the good guys swinging from the Gallo-ws. Houston is now a half-game behind Milwaukee, four behind the pimply-ass Reds, and 6.5 back of the fucking Jakes. With Reds and Redbirds on the schedule this week, now would be a good time for the Astros to turn this leaky ship around. Before it catches another broadside from the goddamn Pirates.

The Co-Ards just lost two of three to the Padres, despite spotting Mark Mulder a four-run lead Sunday. Albert Pujols has already been awarded the MVP and all batting titles for the year. Plus they built that new Holy Shrine to the Cardinals, which promises to be a stunningly overdone monument to self-importance in a red T-shirt.

When:
Monday, May 29, 3:15 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 30, 7:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 31, 12:10 p.m. CDT – FSN, ESPN

MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on the Co-Ard affiliate. I’m guessing there may be just a little hero-worship going on. Just a little.

Where: New Jake City

The Jakes’ website humbly proclaims: “Welcome to Baseball Heaven.” And they were too modest to say it, but they always mentally add: “Home of the Most Bestest Fans in Baseball, Where Tony Rules with a Wise Gentle Touch, and Love Falls From the Trees.”

Oh, and speaking of falling from the trees, that dead cardinal is still in my backyard. It’s pretty much just bones and beak now, and a few tailfeathers. I’m thinking about keeping the tailfeathers until I decide the appropriate voodoo to work on them. I’ll entertain suggestions.

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