By Craig Elliott
The Astros lost two of three to the fucking Jakes, though it could have easily been a sweep the other way. Houston is still looking up at Cincinnati in the standings, a totally disturbing and unnatural situation that can be corrected this weekend.
The Reds have lost five of their last six series, and they barely avoided a sweep Wednesday by the lame-ass Cubs. The Reds are still scoring a lot, standing at fifth in the league in runs and third in homers. They also just picked up Esteban Yan for the bullpen.
When:
Friday, June 2, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, June 3, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, June 4, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – All three games will be on Fox Southwest.
I was ready to settle in Wednesday and watch ESPN’s High-Definition broadcast, and then realized I was blacked out because the Astros include the entire state of Arkansas as part of their home territory. On second thought, maybe it was because I’m also in the Co-Ards’ territory. Whatever the reason, thanks a fucking million. I also tried the local Fox Southwest affiliate, and they were showing the Rangers. Double-fuck. So I ended up listening to the game on XM, with the awful Co-Ards’ announcers, while there was a national HD broadcast I could have been watching. Way to treat the fans, MLB.
Where: MMPUS
Lots of schwag this weekend, including playing cards on Friday, red caps on Saturday, and jerseys off the back and commemorative medallions on Sunday. Plus there will be fireworks on Friday, Astros Buddies Club on Saturday, and a youth parade on Sunday. And watch for a special guest appearance from Roger Clemens, who will hand out 22-ounce cups of ego to 10,000 lucky fans.
Projected Matchups
Aaron Harang (5-4, 3.70) v. Wandy Rodriguez (6-2, 3.95)
Harang got a loss on Opening Day, then reeled off five straight wins, and has lost three times since. He hasn’t gotten a win since May 4. One of his early wins was against Houston, when he lasted 7+ innings and gave up 3 ER. He’s 3-5 against the Astros overall.
Current Astros bat .281 (52-for-185) against Harang, with 10 homers. Lance Berkman is only 4-for-22 (.182) against him, but all four hits were homers. Jason Lane is 3-for-10 with two homers, Biggio is 10-for-30, and Everett is 6-for-19 with a homer. Even Brandon Backe has a homer off him. So as always, watch for haranging curveballs.
Stone-Face Wandy got a no-decision against the Pirates in his last outing. He’s 2-0 against the Reds in his career, but hasn’t faced them this year. Current Reds are only 5-for-24 against Wandy, with a homer from Rich Aurilia. The Red Messiah is 2-for-3 against him, while Adam Dunn and Edwin Encarnacion are both 1-for-2. Felipe Lopez is 0-for-7 and Jason LaRue is 0-for-3.
Bronson Arroyo (6-2, 2.58) v. Fernando Nieve (1-3, 5.36)
Arroyo is among the league leaders in numerous categories, including ERA where he is fourth at 2.58. If he could forget a crappy start at New Jake City, he’d have an ERA of 1.78. He’s 2-0 against the Astros with an ERA above 5, though he hasn’t faced Houston this year.
Only a handful of current Astros have records against Arroyo. Berkman is 4-for-10 and Bidge is 3-for-9 with a double. Wilson is 2-for-5 with a double, and Ausmus is 0-for-5 with two strikeouts.
Nieve had another decent game in his last start but he got another no-decision. He’s never faced Cincinnati before. Though one time he accidentally dropped a chocolate bar in a pile of wormy dogshit, so he’s familiar with the concept of Skyline Chili.
Elizardo Ramirez (2-4, 4.11) v. Roy Oswalt (5-3, 3.11)
Ramirez took a loss against Houston in late April, giving up 3 ER over six innings. That’s the only time he’s faced the Astros. Brad Ausmus went 2-for-3 against him, and Ensberg was 1-for-3 with a double. Both Jason Lane and Lance Berkman went 1-for-2 with a homer.
Roy was 15-0 against the Reds until late April when they finally beat him. Current Reds are 50-for-211 (.237) against Oswalt, with only two homers. One homer came from Adam Dunn, who’s 10-for-46 (.217) against Roy, with 11 walks and 13 strikeouts. Austin Kearns is only 6-for-32 (.188) with 11 K’s. Ryan Freel is 6-for-17 with a double and a homer, and Rich Aurilia is 3-for-7.
Key injuries:
Cincinnati – Grant Balfour, Matt Belisle, and Stifler’s Mom are all out. Brandon Phillips is questionable.
Houston – Roy Oswalt tweaked his hamstring against the Jakes, but is probable for this start. Backe and Bagwell are still out.
Other shit
Here’s a haiku:
Astros bullpen chokes
While hanging from Gallo’s Pole
Cut the fucking rope