Astros 1, Rockies 12

W: Ubaldo Jiminez, L: Felipe Paulino

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Last night the men from Houston were nothing to the men from the Rockies. It was beyond bad. There was little pitching, little hitting, little bit of bad fielding, and little opportunities.

The little bit of pitching was in the 2nd, 7th and 9th innings. Those were the only innings the Rockies did not score. (Yes, I know the Rockies did not bat in the 9th.)

The little bit of hitting was done by Bourn, 2 for 4 with a league leading 11 stolen bases; Pence, 2 for 4 with a run; and Blum, 2 for 4.

The little bit of bad fielding was by Tejada and Matsui who had an error each. There were some good plays that I remember by Lee and Bourn in the outfield.

The little opportunities was having only 9 runners in scoring position on the night.

Bench Tidbits:
Right now, this team has potential, I really believe that. They just need something to bring it all together. Whether it be Jobu, live chickens, rubber chickens, slumpbusters, or fans watching Scott Baio movies, something has got to start making believers out of us again.

I do not understand why Cooper will not have Bourn leading off the lineup. He has a higher average and on-base percentage than Matsui. It is not like he would not change it again if Bourn fell in those areas.

Ortiz did nothing to prove to anyone that he should be the 5th starter over Paulino last night. Paulino might have, but I’m going to give him a couple more starts before I decide that.

Is there any way in the world that Toronto would trade Roy Halladay to the Astros? If so, please do it. He’s awesome. We need him more than those Canadians do.

Ryan Zimmerman of the Nationals is on a 30 game hit streak. Good for him.

Check out strosrays preview for more information on the Rockies series.

Sunday May 10, 2009

Astros 12, Padres 5

WP: Oswalt (1-2) LP: Geer (0-1)

Alyson Footer (in tight slacks)

San Diego Union-Tribune

HOUSTON (SnS) – After screwing around for two games, scraping together little leads against the visiting San Diego Padres and then blowing them or almost blowing them. . . two days of bullpen meltdowns and complicated managerial decisions consisting primarily of “no, no, no” and “yes, yes, yes”, the Houston Astros went out this afternoon and dropped a motherfucking soup bone on the visiting Friars of South California, winning 12-5 and securing a series sweep before a delighted crowd of Astros partisans bedecked in pink and various combinations of brick red and black. Carlos Lee, Pudge Rodriguez and Miguel Tejada were the big bats for Houston (Lance Berkman sat out his third straight game), helping starter Roy Oswalt to his first win of 2009.

A Mother’s Day crowd of 30,023 at the Juice Can saw erstwhile ace Oswalt (0-2. 4.26) take the hill against the Padres Josh Geer (0-0, 3.96), a Dallas native and Rice University alum. After the first two games of this series, when neither offense distinguished itself or even showed much in the way of vital signs, a casual observer could be forgiven for assuming this contest, too, would be a low-scoring affair.

Au contraire, ma mère. With Berkman out of commission again, middle of the order big guns Lee (3-4, 4 RBIs, HR) and Tejada (3-5, 4 RBIs, HR) wielded their mighty pink bats and picked up the slack, while Pudge-Rod chipped in big time from the 7-hole (4-4. 2 RBI, 3B, HR). This gave Oswalt some unaccustomed run support, and he made the most of it, scattering six hits – including two 2-run home runs – over a lackluster six innings to up his record this season to 1-2. Hopefully, the win will help Roy keep a grip on his sanity – he mentioned in an interview that part of his trouble this season may be that, “I’ve kind of lost my mind.” That and, from time to time, control of his curve ball.

The Astros got things going the bottom of the first, startling everyone by scoring three runs, highlighted by a two-run jack by Tejada. They threatened to score more, but left two men on when 8th place hitter and TZ demi-god Jeff Keppinger grounded out to end the inning.

After scoring two more in the second, the mighty Houstons struck again in the fourth, finally chasing SD starter Geer by adding on 4 runs, highlighted by an RBI double by super-hot El Caballo Lee and a run-scoring triple onto Tal’s Hill by Pudge-Rod. I really hope Geer’s mom wasn’t at the game today, because her son didn’t pitch very well, and got hisself keel-hauled. No una vista bonita, mi madre.

Oswalt, on the other hand, cruised through the first five innings, only hitting a bump in the 4th by surrendering a two-run dong to SD LF Chase Headley. After Scott Hairston followed up the homer by drilling a double to left, one started to get that “uh-oh” feeling one gets nowadays when Roy-o is on the mound; but the Koskiusko Konundrum killed any further spreading of negative waves by striking out Kevin Kouzmanoff and Nick Hundley in quick succession to close out the frame.

The Mississippi Mystery ran into trouble again in the sixth, however. In possession of a 9-2 lead now, Oswalt opened the inning by giving up a single to Padres SS Luis Gonzalez, followed by a monster home run to left-center by Adrian Gonzalez. He regrouped to retire the next two Padre batters, then gave up a single to PH Brian Giles, and a walk to Nick Hundley. Fighting hard now, Oswalt battled ex-Astro Chris Burke (who, by the way, made two errors at SS in a solid contribution to his former team’s victory) to a 2-2 count, before getting the former golden boy of the stathead types to pop out weakly into foul territory behind third, ending the threat of any further damage.

Oswalt was done after that, but a bullpen combination of Tim Byrdak, Alberto Arias, and (mostly) Chris Sampson held the fort, the only blemish being a quick, long home run off of Byrdak in the top of the 7th by San Diego leadoff hitter Jody Gerut. The Astros played add-on in the 8th, highlighted by a triple by Gunther Pence, a 2-run homer by Lee, and a solo shot by Rodriguez. Extraneous, yes, but fun to watch, anyway.  War es nicht, meine Mutter?

After a well-deserved day off on Monday, the Astros head to the rarified environs of Rockie-land to take on the Colorados, starting Tuesday evening, Mountain Time.

(The writer apologizes if there are any gaps or inconsistencies in this report, as he was watching the game while also a.) helping his niece take a PolySci final on-line and, b.) eating about 30 oysters on the half shell – washed down by 1 or 2 beers, approximately – during the Mother’s Day cookout/fish fry.   Talis est vita , meus matris.)

Saturday May 9, 2009

Astros 5, Padres 4

WP: Hawkins (1-0) LP: Gregerson (0-3)

Alyson Footer.  :sigh:

HOUSTON (SnS) – The Houston Astros overcame their sputtering offense, a combustible bullpen, and their clueless manager to hang on and defeat the abject loser San Diego Padres for the second night in a row, this time 5-4 before another sub-30,000 weekend crowd in the Juice Can.  Carlos Lee and Miguel Tejada saved manager Cecil Cooper’s ass after a fucking embarrassing mental meltdown in the eighth inning, when a series of scary-bad bullpen choices by Cooper nearly single-handedly sunk his team and handed the Padres an undeserved win.

Speaking of the crowd, after some of this lackluster collection of Astros followers booed San Diego manager Bud Black for making a pitching change mid-at bat in the eight inning, like it was against the rules or something (and after their own skipper had made about 15 trips to the hill in the top half of the inning), local observers were heard to comment that it was just as well the Astros attendance is apparently plummeting faster than the commodities market, and it would probably have been better if only 10,000 or so screaming idiots had showed up.

In this middle game of this middling series, the Astros sent out recently banged up righty Brian Moehler (0-2, 14.00) against San Diego’s Kevin Correia (0-2, 5.92), a former SF Giant and Russ Ortiz wannabe. The game started off much as Friday’s contest, with two cumbersome, hapless offenses struggling mightily to suck at least somewhat less than the other.

Observations:
1.) The Padres uniforms don’t do it for me. Have the Padres ever had nice-looking uniforms? The pants, which I guess are light gold, look dingy white. I keep expecting this woman to show up.

2.) San Diego fans call 3B Kevin Kouzmanoff “The Crushin’ Russian” (things are relative in SD – The CR is currently hitting .230 with 1 HR), even though he is not Russian. He is Macedonian. Actually, he is from Newport Beach, CA, but you get my drift.  Anyway, Padre fans probably think “Macedonian?  Russian? Same thing, what’s the big deal?” I’ll bet the Macedonians could answer that. I have been trying to come up with a better name for Kouzmanoff, but I am not doing too well. All I’ve come up with so far is “The Macedonian Milquetoast” or “The Balkan Bust”.

3.) Watching Pence every night, I have been trying to think of the last successful player who also looked so fucking goofy all the time. There has probably been someone since, but one I thought of was Kent Tekulve, longtime Pirate reliever from a couple of decades ago. There was another player from around then named George Theodore, but he was really just a utility guy. Who Gunther really reminds me of is the geeky little dude from Sixteen Candles. . . as I recall he struck out a lot, too.

Anyway, back to the game.  There was not much to choose between Moehler and Correia through the first five innings. Both allowed 2 hits and 0 runs.

The Padres broke through in the sixth, putting up a one-spot. Moehler, who had helped himself by knocking down a David Eckstein comebacker in the first, saved himself from further damage in this inning by starting a pretty 1-6-3 double play with men on 1st and 3rd, one out, and Adrian Gonzalez at the plate.

The Astros answered in the bottom of the inning, scoring a couple of runs on an RBI single by El Caballo and a sacrifice fly by Miguel Tejada.

Meanwhile, Moehler was pitching a gutty game, in only his second MLB start since coming off the disabled list. He worked out of another jam in the seventh by emphatically striking out Luis Gonzalez with men on 2nd and 3rd and two outs.

The Astros added an insurance run in the bottom of the 7th, and Moehler was clearly spent, so who does Cooper bring in to preserve the lead? LaTroy Hawkins, who had utterly shut down the Padres (on 11 pitches) in the 9th Friday night? No. Chris Sampson, he of the 1.89 ERA, who had pitched 3 strong innings Friday? No, but Sampson probably couldn’t go, anyway. Who Cooper did bring in was the hapless Geoff Geary, who tried to give away the lead almost immediately, by giving up a ringing double to pinch-hitter/hometown hero Chris Burke, and then leaving one up for Brian Giles, who drove it high and deep and about six feet to the right of the RF foul pole. Geary recovered from that long enough to retire Giles on a grounder, moving Burke to third. Then he surrendered a single to Eckstein, and it was 3-2. Cooper went out and got Geary, and brought in Alberto Arias, who looked good striking out Scott Hairston.

With two outs now and Adrian Gonzalez coming up, and Arias looking cocky and fired up out there, Cooper went out again and, doing his best Tony LaRussa impression, brought in lefty specialist Wesley Wright to face the lefty Gonzalez. Wright, who up to that point had held left-handed hitters to a paltry .471 batting average this season, promptly gave up a single to Gonzalez. Then Cooper brought in Hawkins, who didn’t do much better, giving up the go-ahead runs on a Chase Headly double that scored both Eckstein and Gonzalez.

So, bottom of the eighth, down 4-3, and the Astros are facing some nondescript Padre reliever. Bourn and Pence walked; then, after a wild pitch, Carlos Lee drove in Bourn with a single to right, and Tejada plated Pence on an infield grounder.

With the lead back in hand, The Hawk went out in the ninth and shut down the Padres to earn the vultured win. The only rent in the fabric was another solid double to left by Burke, who apparently was intent on delivering a resounding “Fuck you” to all his Houston critics. Well, great game, Burke. And, oh yeah, you lost, asshole.

Lance Berkman missed his second straight game with a sore wrist.  It is hoped some combination of Darrin Erstadt, Jimmy Wynn, and Mahatma Ghandi can replace Berkman’s bat in the lineup until he recovers.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Astros 3
FTC Babybears 6

W: Harden (3-1) | L: Hampton (1-3) | S: Gregg (5)
HR: Twinkie (7), ErrorMiss (4)

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The return of Aaron Boone to MMPUS last night was overshadowed by the news earlier in the day that hitting coach Sean Berry would require surgery for a cancerous tumor on his kidney. Best wishes to him and his family. While the players may have been able to push aside the sobering news for the game, the whole affair still seemed disjointed and fairly joyless.

"Only 3 of Mike's 5 runs were earned!"

Hammy got himself in all kinds of trouble in the first inning, with the bases chock full of Scrubs, but came thisclose to getting out of it unscathed on a diving attempt by Bourn to snare a deep liner into the left-center gap. Sadly, the ball just did clear his glove, emptying the bases and leaving Reed Johnson on third with a triple. Johnson then scored when Pudge let a wrister get through the five-hole for the 4-0 lead. (Amazingly, this exact same thing happened in the sixth inning, too.)

Twinkie smacked a two-run opposite field shot in the eighth, if you’re looking for things to file under the Positive Developments category. In between, however, we were treated with a platter of LOBsters and a side of rally-killing GIDP, a lonely RBI coming from the pitcher, and episode number 2,309 in the infinite series Houston Astros’ Rundown Failtacular and Horseshit Show. Get your tickets, folks, it’s always worth the price of admission.

Go ahead and throw a pot of coffee on, because Russ Ortiz is taking the hill tonight for the Good Guys, insuring a methodical, steady approach to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz