Cardinals @ Astros – The Jakes & The Fat Man (June 6-8, 2008)

Posted on June 6, 2008 by Dark Star in Series Previews

THE JAKES AND THE FAT MAN

Retardinals (36-26) at Astros (31-30)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002

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After a 17-11 record in the month of May, to the Astros June looks like it is shaping up to be a bigger sinkhole than the one swallowing up Daisetta, as the team has floundered so far to a 1-3 record this month. Maybe some home games, a rarity this season, will help.

The fucking Cardinals roll in sporting a 10-games-above-.500 record, despite having a pretty unimpressive lineup, a patched together rotation, and – after closer Jason Isringhausen essentially collapsed in upon himself last month – a bullpen in disarray. They still scare me though – I fucking despise them.

They can come in here this weekend and do whatever, just don’t bring that dancing faggot along with them. When I saw that guy, my first thought was, Jim Edmonds! But, oh yeah, Anaheim Jimmy now sashays around in centerfield in Chicago, not St. Louis.Read More

Cubs @ Astros – Dead Beat Cubs (May 19-21, 2008)

Posted on May 18, 2008 by Dark Star in Series Previews

LORD, HERE COME THE CUBS

Puppies of N. Chicago (27-17) at Astros (25-20)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002

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The Shit-head Cubbies – the favorite team of such luminaries as Warren Buffet, Bill Murray, Jim Belushi, Pat Sajak (I must say), and John Cusack, as well as George Will, Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, and many, many other similar nitwits, drunks, deluded freaks, and just plain losers – are off to a pretty good start this season. The Suck-ass Cubs have been in first place in the NL Central pretty much from the get-go, and currently sport a nifty 27-17 record. That might be a little bit deceptive, though; due to freak scheduling and/or Katy Feeney, the Cubs have already played the perennial-loser Pirates nine times this season, and are a less gaudy 19-16 in games when they don’t. On the other hand, the Fuck-wad Cubs are 5-0 against Arizona and the steM, much better teams. What sort of team are they this year, really? Something between piss-poor and kick-ass, I guess.Read More

Brewers @ Astros – Feelin’ Cocky in Milwaukee (May 2-4, 2008)

Posted on May 1, 2008 by Dark Star in Series Previews

BITCHES’ BREW

Hothouse Brewers (16-12) at Astros (13-16)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002

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Did you ever put a lot of faith in someone who seemed like they were worthy of it, and for the most part after you decided to trust them they pretty much came through? And you thought, Man, what a good deal. This person is all right. Then a situation arose, one of those pivotal moments in life, when all the pressure is on, and this person who had to this point been so strong and true, well. . . they wavered on you? Or maybe caved in completely, leaving you entirely, unexpectedly on your own? Ever have that happen?

Way back when, I was matriculating at Caldwood Elementary, third grade year, and me and my running buddy at the time, dude named Rollo, we pretty much had it made.Read More

Milwaukee cocks, Pee and glee, Playground wars

Rockies @ Astros – For Those About To Rock (April 18-20, 2008)

Posted on April 17, 2008 by Dark Star in Series Previews

Things To Do In Houston When John Denver’s Dead

Rockies (7-8) at Astros (6-11)

Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002

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The Colorado Rockies have been around 15 years now, which is kind of hard for me to believe. I still think of them as an expansion franchise. For some reason, I recall the 1992 expansion draft of the Rockies and the Florida Marlins – who are also beginning their 16th campaign – very clearly. I particularly remember laughing out loud when the Rockies selected Butch Henry and Willie Blair off of the Astros roster (and the Marlins took Ryan Bowen.) As far as the Astros went, that was addition by subtraction, to my mind. Read More

Poet pitchers, Radio, Viva Viagra

Astros @ Padres – Put On Your Sailin’ Shoes (Mar 31-Apr 3, 2008)

Posted on March 29, 2008 by Dark Star in Series Previews

Setting Sail

Astros (0-0) at Padres (0-0)

Petco Park
100 Park Boulevard
San Diego, CA 92101

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I am overly fond of nautical metaphors anyway, and we are directing our attention presently – those of us able to stay up late enough, that is – to San Diego, after all; what with the hometown Houston Astros opening the 2008 campaign with a four-game set at the home of the San Diego Padres, there in SoCal, fish tacos and all, down by the sea.Read More

40 years, Absorb the losses, Catching some metaphors

Astros @ Cardinals – A Beautiful Fucking Day In The Neighborhood (Sep 20-23, 2007)

Posted on September 21, 2007 by Dark Star in Series Previews

By ‘strosrays

The Most Fucked-Up Fucking Series Preview in the Fucking History of Western Fucking Civilization

Astros (66-86) at Retardinals (71-80)

Fuckin’ Busch Stadium (III)
700 fuckin’ Clark Avenue
St. Louis, fuckin’ MO 63102

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▪Thursday, September 20 (7:10 p.m. CDT) – FSN (Fucking bullshit Sports Network)

▪Friday, September 21 (7:10 p.m. CDT) – FSN

▪Saturday, September 22 (6:15 p.m. CDT) – KNWS

▪Sunday, September 23 (7:05 p.m. CDT) – ESPN (Especially Suck-ass fucking Penile Network)

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“Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics should be told not to fuck” – Noe

There apparently isn’t going to be an official, sanctioned Series Preview posted for this series. That isn’t really any big deal, it has happened before. Sometimes life and the resulting responsibilities (or the utter lack of any creative ideas, which is even scarier) intrude into the Preview writing process, and you, gentle readers, will just have to fucking excuse us for it. We got lives, too, motherfuckers! Well, at least some of us.

Anyway, I believe this particular Preview was assigned to Foghorn. I’m not really surprised at his no-show, he has been kind of scarce around here lately. That is nothing against Foggy at all who, aside from being one of my favorite people on the planet and a constant inspirational beacon of utter vulgarity, is also involved in work much more important than my own, I believe. If a Series Preview isn’t written because Foghorn is helping save someone’s fucking life or sumpin’, who the fuck am I to complain? Plus, there are some rumors out there (admittedly started by me, mostly) that Foghorn has recently been engaged in serious medical research with a 17-year-old female Swedish exchange student he is hosting in his home this semester. Now, I ask you. . . Series Preview? Or Swedish exchange student? I’ll let you decide.

I read somewhere recently that the movie The Usual Suspects contained 98 instances of the word “fuck” or one of it’s forms or derivatives in it. I always liked that movie, now I know why. Anyway, 98 fucks is impressive, and may even be a record, unless there is some Joe Pesci-Harvey Keitel movie out there somewhere I’ve forgot. So impressive that I am using those 98 fucks as a goal and the perpetually profane Foghorn as an inspiration here. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Special Encore BONUS Series Preview, Astros at Co-ardinals, the uncut Fuck-all Version. Read it and fucking weep.Read More

Screw-all

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