BITCHES’ BREW
Hothouse Brewers (16-12) at Astros (13-16)
Minute Maid Park
501 Crawford St.
Houston, TX 77002
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Did you ever put a lot of faith in someone who seemed like they were worthy of it, and for the most part after you decided to trust them they pretty much came through? And you thought, Man, what a good deal. This person is all right. Then a situation arose, one of those pivotal moments in life, when all the pressure is on, and this person who had to this point been so strong and true, well. . . they wavered on you? Or maybe caved in completely, leaving you entirely, unexpectedly on your own? Ever have that happen?
Way back when, I was matriculating at Caldwood Elementary, third grade year, and me and my running buddy at the time, dude named Rollo, we pretty much had it made.
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- Game 1: Friday May 2, 2008 – 7:05 p.m. CDT (FSN)
- Game 2: Saturday May 3, 2008 – 6:05 p.m. CDT (FSN)
- Game 3: Sunday May 4, 2008 – 1:05 p.m. CDT (my20 dinner with andre’)
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Rollo and I, we were handsome, and athletic, and funny and suave (relatively speaking), and while we had rivals for popularity, I think it is fair to say we held most of the third grade in our sway, and probably most of the little underclassmen under that, too. We were the kings of 1st period recess – we chose the teams for dodge ball and/or kickball, kids came to us for advice, and some of the little girls would run up and surreptitiously pull up their skirt and give us a glimpse of their slip and/or panties from time to time, too. Junior exhibitionists, I guess. Or, they’d try to plant a kiss on us, and give us “cooties.”
Life was good. But, this was a K-5 school, so Rollo and I had 4th and especially 5th graders ahead of us, and some of them liked to knock us down a little bit, when we got too cocky. For the most part it was basically good-natured, and we rolled with it. But there was this one 5th grader, a big dorky kid named Larry, and he zeroed in on Rollie and I out of meanness, I think; and, I always suspected, there was some jealousy in there, too. He was sort of like the Ben Affleck character in Dazed and Confused, the upper classman who takes his role of hazing the “fish” a leetle too seriously. This Larry dude went out of his way to push us in the hallway, or call us stupid names in the lunch room. I think either one of us, Rollo or I, could have kicked his ass, collectively we could’ve for sure; but, just like in geopolitics, one has to think ahead about the ramifications from such acts. Okay, we whoop this guy’s ass, then who amongst his friends is going to come after us in retaliation? We didn’t really know for sure, and this uncertainty kept my buddy and I from striking back. We pretty much just took this guy Larry’s shit, and restrained ourselves from responding.
Then another 5th grader, a guy named Steve, took a liking to us, at least where Larry was concerned. Steve was a big guy, blond, pretty well-liked. Not very smart, but a kick-ass dodge ball and kickball player (I saw him kick a slow baby bouncer clear to the portable buildings by the library once.) Steve told Larry if he ever fucked with us again, he’d have to answer to him (Steve.) I guess Larry believed him, because he left us alone after that.
So, life went on in a pleasant fashion. One day, Rollie and I and two or three other classmates decided to have a pissing contest. Literally. We were in the boy’s bathroom, all ceramic block and tile, and there was this open area in there about 15 feet wide, with four or five full-length urinals on one wall and, directly opposite, windows to the outside with about a four foot high, 20-inch ledge underneath. We scrambled up onto this ledge and stood facing the urinals, our things out, in our hands, ready. The goal was to piss all the way across the room, fifteen feet, into the urinals on the opposite wall.
I don’t recall if anyone actually made it. Fifteen feet is a good ways, even if one has just built up a lot of back pressure sitting through boring old Ms. Montgomery’s Social Studies class. What I do recall is just after we had let it rip, and were more-or-less past the point of no return, Larry and three or four of his friends walked around the corner and directly into the line of fire. We ended up whizzing all over them. Not just in one spot, either. Have you ever started laughing uncontrollably in the middle of a big piss? Messes up the aim, pretty much. Anyway, once those guys recovered they were pretty – well – pissed off. As soon as I could get my joint back in my dungarees, I was out the window to the playground, Rollo and a couple of others right behind me, with the pissed upon in close pursuit.
I spotted Steve across the way, on the blacktop, engaged in a tetherball contest of some sort; so I tore out for him. I figured if we could make it into his general vicinity, Larry and his pals, now hot after us, would back off. By the time we got out to Steve, the angry 5th graders were right behind us. I yelled out, “Hey, Steve” just as Larry threw his forearm around my neck from behind and dragged me down, and he and another kid started kicking my ass. I had time to see two other guys jump Rollo and start doing him the same. I got a few good shots in on Larry – I remember elbowing him in the nuts pretty good one time – but he outweighed me by twenty pounds at least, as did the other kid, and in a wrestling match I was doomed. Rollo didn’t fare any better – the whole left front of his white button-down shirt was gone, and he had huge holes in the knees of his jeans. But, we both wondered, where the fuck was Steve? Our protector? Turns out, when he saw how many guys were coming after us, and how mad they were, he just sort of eased on out of there, over to the other side of the blacktop, where there was a game of H-O-R-S-E going on. Fucker.
So anyway, now here come the Milwaukee Hothouse Brewers.
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Pitching Matchups
Friday
RHP Carlos Villanueva (1-2, 4.66) vs. RHP Roy Oswalt (2-3, 5.75)
Carlos Villanueva – we’ll call him “Charles Newhouse” for our purposes here, so as not to get him confused with the fútbol star of the same name – is a big (6′ 2″, 215 lbs.), young (24) right-hander out of the D.R. who emerged in the Brewers rotation the last part of 2007. Overshadowed by media darling staff mates Sheets, Parra, and Gallardo, Newhouse has put together a solid if unspectacular body of work so far, and is quite adequate at the back end of the rotation. He went 8-5, 3.94 last season – in 59 appearances, mostly out of the bullpen – but was 2-2, 2.06 in six starts (35 IP, 29 H, 25 K, 4 HR). He pitched in six games against the Astros in 2007, including a September start where he picked up the win, going six innings and allowing one run. Overall against the Astros he was 1-1, 3.21 in 14 innings pitched. . . Roy Oswalt, as we know, got off to a startlingly bad start this season, but has since righted himself and is back to laser-like precision with his pitches, and to looking askance at opposing pitchers who throw behind his catcher’s ass.
Saturday
LHP Manny Parra (1-1, 4.94) vs. RHP Brandon Backe (1-3, 4.65)
Manny Parra is a big left-hander out of Northern California, another of the Brewers highly-touted young arms. Parra got everyone’s attention by throwing a perfect game vs. Round Rock last June in Dell Diamond, in just his second AAA start. He was eventually called up by the Brewers in 2007 and pitched pretty well, but broke his thumb bunting and spent a month on the DL. He is off to a slow start this season. His primary problem has been occasional wildness, and not going very deep into games. He is averaging less than 5 IP per start, and his longest stint so far is 5.1 innings. That puts the Brewers into their bullpen early, and their bullpen is not a good place for them to be, generally speaking. Parra has never faced Houston. . . Brandon Backe post Tommy John surgery is pretty much the same as Brandon Backe before it – excitable, erratic, occasional brilliance marred by wildness and an inability to go much past 5-6 innings. I like Backe a lot, but he is barely average as an MLB starter at this point. I hope he can learn to ratchet back on his excesses while not losing the energy and excitability that makes him so compelling (except to Albert Pujols, I guess; and Yadier of the Squatting Molinas.)
Sunday
RHP Ben Sheets (4-0, 1.64) vs. RHP Chris Sampson (1-3, 7.15)
Ben Sheets just got back into the rotation after – you guessed it – another stint on the shelf with an arm injury, this time some kind of problem with his right triceps. When he has pitched this season, he has been mostly brilliant; but with Sheets, you never know how long it will last. He is one of the more overrated pitchers of his era. In a sense, Sheets frequent injuries kind of end up serving his overblown reputation. People think, Oh, if he could just stay healthy. . . but when he was healthy (2002-2004), he was a sub-.500 pitcher with an ERA in the mid 4.00s. Anyway, it seems to be a moot point now. Sheets is approaching 30, has a career record of 77-74, and is good for about 25 starts a season, if that. I don’t care how well one pitches, that is not really good enough for a club who considers you their #1 starter. . . Chris Sampson has been his usual erratic self so far this season. Of his five starts, three have been quite good – 1-1, 3.57 ERA in 17.2 IP, his penultimate start particularly, a 7 inning gem (in a dead end town with west end girls and chili that hurls) standing out. But his two bad starts were so bad – 6 runs in less than an inning vs. Colorado, 5 runs in 4+ this week at Arizona – they screwed up all his numbers, but good. Anyway, Sampson on a good night is quite adequate. One just never is quite sure which night that will be.
Fun Facts
The Brewers feature a set lineup, with Ryan Braun in LF, Corey Hart in right, Bill Hall at 3B, J.J. Hardy at SS, Rickie Weeks at 2B, and Prince Fielder at 1B. Veteran journeyman Jason Kendall behind the dish. With Mike Cameron out the first 25 games serving a steroid-related suspension, the team tried a platoon of Gabe Kapler (vs. LHP) and Tony Gwynn, Jr. and Gabe Gross (against RHP) in center field. Kapler has done fine, Gwynn + Gross, not so much. Cameron returned this week, and will presumably inherit the full-time role. . . I’d like Elias or someone to research the last time two guys named Gabe were on the same team, much less platoon partners; I am betting never. At any rate, Gross was put on waivers this month and was claimed by Tampa Bay. . . Kendall has batted exclusively out of the #9 spot this season, behind whoever that day’s starting pitcher is. Presumably Kendall, who sports a .368 OBP, is looked at as a “second leadoff hitter” by Ned Yost. I am no too sure about that argument, especially in the NL, but I would like to see Yost’s explanation of his rationale. As long as it is not some LaRussa-like knowing smile, the affectation of a puling dickhead who thinks of himself as a genius/Sphinx. . . The Brewskies are hitting .247 as a team, seventh in the league, while scoring 126 runs(9th), with an team ERA of 4.44, which puts them in the bottom third of the NL.
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After a seeming lifetime of ignominy and ridicule, Brewer fans last season (and a lot of fans who don’t follow the Brewers at all) were wildly encouraged about the team that was emerging out at Collapsing Crane Park in the spring. After a gazillion losing seasons in a row and consequently sweet draft positions, the organization finally assembled a coterie of young players with seemingly endless potential, guided by a sharp manager, a protégée of Bobby Cox. The team had finally thrown off the Selig-Prieb malaise, and was emerging as a real, live baseball franchise, with a very good chance of not only putting together its first winning season since the pre-steroid era, but winning the (admittedly down at the heels) NL Central outright.
The Brewers started off hot, and led the division with ease the first several months of the season. By the end of July, though, the team had started to show a few cracks, while meanwhile the Cubs edged up on them, applying the pressure. The Brewers went 25-30 the rest of the way (and only a very late resurgence made the record even that good), lost the division, and came very close to finishing under .500 again. The hitters stopped hitting, the pitchers stopped pitching, and the manager panicked, big-time. In short, the team wilted like a hothouse flower, and their true believer fans and followers were let down after all, and sank back into well-worn and familiar oblivion.
It was a pretty ugly collapse, but the team had been so bad in previous years that I think a lot of onlookers underplayed just how ugly it was. Had something like that happened in Chicago, the whining, the uproar; oh, my, there would have been no end to it. That is one reason why I kind of have trouble taking the Brewers seriously – to me they are Chicago Cubs Lite. They blew a really good chance last season, a chance they’ll never have back. They still have a potentially good young team, but most long-time fans know, the window of opportunity for any team only stays open for so long. Every good chance lost, especially for a “mid-market” team like the Brew-has, is huge. So far this season, the Milwaukeans are sputtering. Their offense has been erratic, partly (I suspect) because several of their players had “career years” last season. The starting pitching has been adequate, but the bullpen is kind of a mess, and the closer, one-time intimidator Eric Gagne, is just another Humpty now; he has saved 9 games, yes, but he’s also blown four already, some of them in spectacular fashion.
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PLAYER |
2007 | 2008 | |
| Prince Fielder —— | .288/.395/.618 50 HRs | .250/.368/.446 4 HRs | |
| Rickie Weeks —— | .235/.374/.433 16 HRs | .202/.336/.346 3 HRs | |
| Bill Hall ————- | .254/.315/.425 14 HRs | .233/.275/.485 7 HRs | |
| J. J. Hardy ——— | .277/.323/.463 26 HRs | .234/.305/.298 1 HRs | |
| Ryan Braun ——– | .324/.370/.634 34 HRs | .273/.296/.436 3 HRs | |
| Corey Hart ——— | .295/.353/.539 24 HRs |
.283/.355/.424 1 HRs |
I am pretty sure the Brewers will be a factor in the 2008 Central Division, at least for awhile. They just came off a nice little series in Wrigleyville, taking 2-of-3 from the streaking Cubs. They are on a bit of a roll now; getting back Sheets and Cameron has been a shot in the arm for them. I just don’t think they will approach anything like some of the stuff that was being predicted for them in those giddy days early last season.
Word is, if they do not make the playoffs this season, Ned Yost might lose his job. I hope it is just fans saying that. I don’t care about Yost one way or another, but generally after a leap forward like last year’s, the following season is usually something of a letdown. The Brewers making the playoffs this season is to me an unreal expectation. Consolidate the gains, rethink the strategy, make more acquisitions, additions and subtractions, with an eye to next season, and the next. That is what the Brewer front office should be doing. Firing the manager for not making the playoffs in 2008 would be a pointless move, and a sign the management is not as solid decision-wise as it appears to be on the surface.
Sometimes you just have to ignore the most vocal of the fan base, if you want to get to the promised land.
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Injuries
Milwaukee – Chris Capuano (LHP), torn ligament left elbow, out indefinitely.
Houston – Wandy Rodriguez (LHP), groin injury, out 15 days; Felipé Paulino (RHP), pinched nerve right arm, out indefinitely.
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I had originally planned on a mini-rant here against Jeremy Foster, I think his name is, the cipher on KILT 610 who violates the airwaves with his inanity and worse every day of the week. But that is a hard topic to get very inspired about. Dumber than dumb sports radio “personalities” are a dime a dozen, in Houston closer to a nickel. And truth be told, Foster isn’t exponentially worse than any number of talking heads you guys inflict on the rest of the world from there in H-Town.
So I was very happy that Roger “The Rocket” Clemens came through for me, one more time. The sleazoid New York Daily News story earlier this week about how Mr. Wonderful may or may not have been banging a 15-year-old honey from a trailer park in S. Florida when he was a Red Sock made my day. The aftershocks about other affairs, a waitress in Boston, etc., make it all even sweeter. It makes me inordinately happy to know everyone’s favorite self-righteous prick is apparently in fact as sleazy as the sleaziest slime ball to ever grace the national consciousness, whomever that might be.
First you went to college then you got yourself degrees
Then you got some pretty girls to get down on their knees
You took yourself some pictures and you showed ‘em to your friends
Now you’re going straight to hell and that’s where your story ends
— Jude, “Rick James”
I don’t even have anything real witty to say about Clemens. His whole life is turning into one big joke now, the scummy details of it much better than anything I could make up. I only wanted to say that the high sleaze factor, which plays to a weakness of mine, entirely distracted me before I ever really got geared up to go after some nitwit from Sports Radio 610.
Jeremy Foster, you have been saved. Thank God, indeed, for little girls.
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Astros win the series, 2-1.
Man, you’re not so perfect
Man, you’re not a pearl
You’re nothing more, man
Than a little piece of sand
That grew up inside of a girl
— Ibid.
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You may follow the game action as it unfolds in the Game Zone.
I can hear you when you sigh
Through the water in the sky