On the eve of baseball in MMPUS, I find myself at a loss for words. Not the words that comprise the rubbish I dump in the TZ on a regular basis, of course, that I can still do. But for the words that comprise the more expansive, grandiloquent rubbish that I serve up as an excuse for an ego column. Much like “The Daily Show” suffering an identity crisis this week when they had Richard Clark in studio: “Are we still a fake news program?”, I find myself with a yen to write a pre-OD column yet I have nothing to say. Does that make me like all the other, allegedly legitimate, online sports journalists? Am I no longer a fake columnist? It’s enough to drive one to drink!

Is this is what Spring Training is like for YankeeFan every year? A roster that’s virtually set? Boringly consistent good play? A comfy execution of the motions required to start the campaign proper? Timely and positive roster moves? I hope that this is merely the product of a spectacularly good off-season by the team’s management, rather than an unspeakable April Fool being shat upon us by the BBGs. To set us up like this, only to rip the rug out would be cruelty beyond reason.

Strangely, I am reminded of a moment from my youth (Warning: rambling, self-aggrandising, allegorical stretch to follow).Read More

“There’s only one thing in the World worse than being talked about, and that’s not being talked about”

Finally, pitchers and catchers reporting for duty has meaning outside of State Penitentiaries. Many of them will be pulling on different uniforms in different backwater shit-holes of Florida and Arizona. Of obvious interest to us but, due to a couple of notable moves made by other clubs, of little interest in the media any more, is the first action seen by Pettitte and Clemens as Astros.

But how far has this story dropped off the media radar scope? Look no further than our own, venerable Houston Chronicle, which leads its baseball section with a photo of Billy Wagner in a Phillies’ valet parking uni practicing his very necessary self-defense skills.

To be honest, the recent indifference of the media to the Astros is not a problem. When they focus the watery half-light of their collective intellect on our team, they invariably miss the point, re-hash old cliches and get things flat out wrong. Who needs that? Plus, when it comes to missed points, tired cliches and inaccuracy, one needs to look no further than Limey Time.Read More

The Racket. Rahjah. Team Bastard. All were intentionally derogative terms hurled at Roger Clemens and his agents. Having tickled our collective scrotum last time Clemens was a free agent, these twin (triple?) pillars deception kicked us squarely in the bollocks by signing with the Evil Empire. History shows that Clemens got what he wanted, a World Series ring, but it also shows that he received some shabby treatment from Herr Steinbrenner and also engaged in a curious, one-sided feud with Mike Piazza. (I agree with David Wells, if that’d been me, that shard of bat would still be jammed up Clemens’ arse).

As a result, Clemens became something of a pariah around these parts.

But then an odd thing happened. He retired, in all likelihood to allow the opportunity to compete in this year’s Olympic Games in Athens. Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony. The US Olympic team was dumped unceremoniously out of the qualifying stages and The Racket found himself without a gig for the coming summer. Then Andy Pettitte signed with Houston. Then a radio station gave him a Hummer (NTTAWWT). Then the town many called his own, finally embraced it’s wayward…umm…neighbour from 50 miles west.Read More

What the hell? The Astros sign Andy Pettitte, the Coalition scoops up Saddam and the Dow takes up permanent residence above 10,000 (you heard it here first, folks). The Holidays have come early to the good folks of Astrodom, and there may yet be more…

But first things first: this week, I shall be mostly wearing Coco Chanel.

Team Bastard

Now back to the insults. The brothers Hendricks, those arrogant shysters who rubbed our noses in dog shit last time they were hawking a name arm in these parts, seemingly enjoyed a change of heart more pronounced and unlikely than that of James Caan in “Elf”. Suddenly, the Astros were not a stick with which to whack the Yacht Captain and McLane’s offer was not simply bum-fodder. With his home town beckoning and the warmest of welcomes from an owner who was not behaving like John Lithgow obsessing about an over-thruster, Pettitte took time out from his son’s recital to call Santa’s Little Helpers and tell them to make a deal with our ‘Stros. The deal was struck, and the Hendricks’ heart (they have one between them which they keep in a vault) grew three times that day.Read More

During my enforced absence from the TZ at the end of the season (no, I was not sulking or crying in a corner) I’m sure you’ve all picked clean the bones of the Astros’ unsuccessful 2003 campaign. I have read a little of what’s been posted but, after perusing the recent ZipperFlap, I decided that plowing through all of it would be futile, painful and probably not a little annoying. That’s not to say that I think you lot are full of it and that I’m the only one with the answers. It’s simply that I have confidence that those debates which could come to a conclusion have done so without my assistance or interference; and those that haven’t probably never will.

My Two Cents

Of course, as an EgoColumnist, I am tasked with inflicting my thoughts upon you (cracking some shit jokes in the process). So here goes: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was performing a fitness test on its dodgy groin.Read More

This just in: The Reds suck. They say that pitching and defense win championships, and Cincy has none of either. I now wouldn’t be surprised to see them finish last in the pool of drowning souls that is the NL Central. Call me a homer, but I see the Astros as the only team that has adequate function in all of its limbs. The Co-ards have concerns about 4/5ths of their rotation and most of the bullpen; the Cubs (last night excepted) cannot score runs despite Sammy’s recork…errr…suregence; the Reds…well…we’ve just seen how inept they are at most aspects of this game; the Pirates are dealing away anything of value and weren’t very good before anyway; and the Brewers – surprisingly my pick of the best of the also-rans – will never really challenge for the top but may well finish 4th (a lofty height for them).

Of course, a run of fixtures like the Astros are enjoying will make any half-decent team look like the Yankees. There should be no apologies for this. The Astros can only play who they are told to play, and the Jakes get to see the same shit eventually. When it’s all panned out in September, someone will win and someone will not and there can be no crying over the schedule. What is making the difference right now is the Astros record in their division: +14 compared to +3 for STL. When you consider that the head-to-head is 6-5 in favour of the Astros, you realise what a god job they’ve done dispatching the Central. They’re doing what it takes to win the division and that’s what this part of the season is all about.Read More