This just in: The Reds suck. They say that pitching and defense win championships, and Cincy has none of either. I now wouldn’t be surprised to see them finish last in the pool of drowning souls that is the NL Central. Call me a homer, but I see the Astros as the only team that has adequate function in all of its limbs. The Co-ards have concerns about 4/5ths of their rotation and most of the bullpen; the Cubs (last night excepted) cannot score runs despite Sammy’s recork…errr…suregence; the Reds…well…we’ve just seen how inept they are at most aspects of this game; the Pirates are dealing away anything of value and weren’t very good before anyway; and the Brewers – surprisingly my pick of the best of the also-rans – will never really challenge for the top but may well finish 4th (a lofty height for them).
Of course, a run of fixtures like the Astros are enjoying will make any half-decent team look like the Yankees. There should be no apologies for this. The Astros can only play who they are told to play, and the Jakes get to see the same shit eventually. When it’s all panned out in September, someone will win and someone will not and there can be no crying over the schedule. What is making the difference right now is the Astros record in their division: +14 compared to +3 for STL. When you consider that the head-to-head is 6-5 in favour of the Astros, you realise what a god job they’ve done dispatching the Central. They’re doing what it takes to win the division and that’s what this part of the season is all about.
The Emperor’s New Clothes
If you are reading this, you may well have followed the link through the Limey Time section of the new, expanded OWA. For some reason, they thought it necessary to trawl through cyberspace’s landfills and dredge up all the old crap from AstrosConnection. I just hope they wore a stout pair of wellies. Looking back at my old articles (perhaps driven by the same instinct that requires one to check the contents of the bowl before flushing), I can see some of the motifs and silly tricks I used to include in each one. Such things are usually a crutch for the weak minded, which is why I shall be using them again faster than you can blink an eye.
Mandinka
There, see? Regardless of the dubious merit of bringing back the olde LT’s, the site administration team deserve much praise for their efforts. The site is now rounding out into quite the time-waster. All that’s needed now are some simple, pointless and utterly addictive JavaScript games for the site to completely dominate my waking hours. Here’s a couple of suggestions:
- Cam Bonifay’s Mole Game – Images of Cam will appear randomly in any one of 9 holes, and your job is to bash him down with a mallet each time he appears. Cam won’t realise that he’s not wanted, so he’ll pop up again somewhere else. Bash him down as many times as you can before the site administrators ban him for life.
- George’s Shooting Gallery – George will appear in disguise amongst a group of regular posters. You have a rifle scope and your job is to take him out before he gets recognised by the site administrators and his logon shut down. George will then take a few moments to create a new on-line identity and thus a new TZ account, so be ready to whack him again when he shows up. Take a few moments to identify your target, however, as attacking legitimate TZers thinking they are George will cost you valuable points. Just keep going and going: George never tires of this game and neither will you
- The jg, Red Messiah Merry-Go-Round – You are stuck going round and around in circles, collecting points for each complete revolution. Occasionally, an opportunity to jump off the carousel will present itself and you have to decide whether to take it or stay on for more points. Be careful, though, as you need to be off the carousel before your sanity snaps and you are trapped forever…
Daktari
Just like Clarence the Cross-Eyed Lion, Jake-fan seems incapable of seeing clearly when it comes to E-bert Pooholes. Apparently, posing after home runs and getting into punch-ups about it is totally acceptable behaviour, so long as you do it on behalf of the Best Fans in Baseball. It’s obvious that they’re smitten with this guy as much as is the Tank Commander. One thing’s for sure, E-bert better keep a better handle on the soap than he does on the baseball.
Personally, I take pride in the fact that the Astros drop the bat and run on contact whether it’s a fly-ball or a mighty swat. My hope is that the younger players in the clubhouse take this to heart and continue it after B&B retire, so that the next and future iterations of the Astros learn the same, humble, professional code of conduct.
Daiquiri
The Pirates seem to have finally come to their senses, and are off-loading salary. First to go is Mike Williams, who somehow made it to the ASG with an ERA of over 6. I’m sure that Mike is very glad that he returned to the Pirates as a free-agent, just so that they could trade him again when the mood took them.
Many now believe that Benson and/or Suppan are on the block. The feeding frenzy around these two must be ferocious as GMs pile on in an attempt to consummate a deal like male frogs on an ovulating female. Suppan is the pick of the two, IMO, and the only one I could see the Astros signing ($500,000 salary). Benson is way too expensive and no better than anything the Astros have on the roster currently, so I’ll plead Bill James on him and say “Pass”.
Of course, the Astros do not have much to offer, but I’ve heard in the local media that Ensberg is dangling out there (NTTAWWT). Moving him, for anything other than a bona fide ace-type pitcher, would be a serious mistake. He has the tools to be a highly productive third baseman for years to come. He is also a key part to this club’s success thus far, being the only right-handed power off the bench and also a much needed big bat in the starting line-up whenever there’s a lefty on the mound. The Astros would be Brian L. Hunter thin on the bench without Mo Berg.
Pina Colada
Can anyone please tell me why Danny Graves was so unhittable as a reliever and BP as a starter? I know that it’s a different style of pitching, but he seems to have no good pitches right now, which would mean he’d get crushed as either starter or reliever. Perhaps this is just the BBGs giving back what they taketh away: the irony of whacking shibby after shibby off this annoying little git is delicious.
Margarita
This week, I shall be mostly wearing Prada.
Agent Orange
I’m sure that it will be a surprise to no one that this week’s Agent Orange is none other than Paul Wilson. To think that detailing his two starts against the Astros either side of the ASB as 12.0IP, 12 ER is flattering, is quite amazing. But it’s his incredible, Holtesque, death by a thousand paper cuts on 7/10 that propels him to the front of the pack like Lance Armstrong going up a French mountainside. He allowed 7 baserunners (with one other reaching on a error), all of whom scored, without recording an out and without allowing a homer. 8 runs, 7 earned, 0 outs. I doubt that he’ll be bested in this category this year.
If Paul were allowed an acceptance speech for this award, I’m sure he’d first thank Bowden, for thinking that a rotation of 4 crap starting pitchers is better than one of 5 crap starting pitchers, and also the Reds’ defense which gives a pitcher zero confidence that a play will be made behind him.
Oranjeboom
The Astros have a couple more each at Pittsburgh and Milwaukee before they get back to the majors to see the Cubs and ATL. Then they yo-yo back and forth between contenders and cadavers during August. This current surge needs to continue, and if it does it will surely sink the Cubs for good and leave the Co-ards peddling hard to keep up. Let’s have at ’em!