You can't dust for vomit

The Astros are taking a slow boat from Pittsburgh, where they tripped over more dicks than a clown at an orgy, to Cincinnati for the last road series of the season starting Tuesday evening.  Perfect timing.  The Reds magic number to secure the Central title from the Jakes is 1.  ONE!  Which means, barring some freakish results, we will get to watch the Reds celebrate on our asses.  Oh joy.

Our only salvation is for the Jakes to lose today, to the Pirates, who are starting 2-11, 8.11 Charlie Morton.  Shitfuck.  Well, if it’s going to happen, let’s make sure it’s because of a Co-ards loss, not a Reds win.  Yes, lets at least do that.

Of course, the Astros are coming off a couple of series against teams long buried in the standings, but against whom they went 2-5.  The bats have become muted and the bullpen has become suddenly inflammatory.  That means that the Chase for .500™ is over, with the maximum possible number of wins now standing at 80.  That also means that the Jakes’ magic number to secure 2nd place from the Astros is 1.  It’s all really winding down folks, and in a couple of games there’ll be nothing left to do except point and laugh at the CubFans who show up to the home finale.

Great American Ballpark

This section of the review, like the preamble, deserves a puking gif.  What a horror story this place is: smoke stacks, hideous colours and runny beef ‘n’ pasta stew.  And no Berkman on hand to rip it a new one.  Oh well…

Tuesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Wednesday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD
Thursday, 7:10pm CDT, FSH & FSH -HD

Probable Match-Ups

Rodriguez (11-12, 3.67) vs. Volquez (4-3, 4.45)

Wandy has two shots left at squaring his W/L this season, unless he loses tonoght in which case he’s fucked on that front.  He’s had a great run after stumbling out of the blocks, most likely because he slipped on all the turds that were being dropped by his teammates like carpet bombs.   He hasn’t got a decision, one way or another, in his last 3 starts, probably because the bully has been pretty shitty.  Against the Reds in his career, he’s 7-7, 4.22 which has been earned by keeping Bruce, Phillips and Rolen quiet while simultaneously getting pounded by everyone else.

Edinson Volquez

Edinson Volquez.  We’ve seen enough of this crazy motherfucker to last a lifetime.  He just posted a career high 8-inning win to go with the fact that he’s smoked the Astros to the tune of 4-0, 0.98.  If Wandy gets an ND tonight, he’s pitched his bottom off.   That 0.98 ERA against the Astros is, of course, earned against the old Astros, which I’m not going to detail here as it would make pixies cry.  However, the Youthnami™ is free of such nightmare memories, and J-Mike is our superhero, sporting a .667 BA against Edinson.

Figueroa (3-3, 3.98) vs. Jonny Cueto (12-6, 3.73)

Nelson has lost his way lately as a starter…or is simply reverting to the mean for him, which isn’t good.  0-2 with a 7.20 ERA over his last 3 starts means that he’s needed no help from the bullpen to soil the mound recently.  He’s been getting steadily worse for a while now.  Against the Reds lifetime, he’s 1-1, 4.44, but those numbers are drawn from the annals of time because he has no record against the current Dickitie hitters.  This will be his last start of the season.

Johnny Cueto has a name that belongs in the movies, where the character would be played by Keanu Reeves, save the world and get the girl.  In reality, Cueto’s heroism for the Reds has earned him a 12-6 record and a middling ERA of 3.73.  He got tonked last time out for 8 runs in 1 1/3rd, but he blamed that on a hitch he saw on video.  Maybe he’ll be played by Will Smith.  Anyway, his history against Houston has been somewhat of a tragedy, 1-4, but with his nemesis shipped off to the AL East, and Bourn out of action, he may be getting ready for a 3rd act recovery.

Myers (14-7, 2.89) vs. TBA

Brett Myers

By the time we get to this game, I suspect that the only notable event remaining for the Astros will be to see if Myers can…you know…do the thing with the thing.  He hasn’t showed any signed of slowing down, posting 3 wins in his last 3 starts, an ERA of 2.70 and going at least six innings in each…Against the Reds he’s a very symmetrical 3-2, 3.23 but will need to be careful with Cairo and Hernandez if he wants to stay on target.  Meanwhile, someone needs to be ready with a tranquiliser gun in the event that Arnsberg reaches for the dugout phone.

As and when TBA is announced, and if I have the time, I’ll post it here.  I suspect that it’ll be some scrub because it’ll be a major surprise if the Reds haven’t clinched before this game.

Injury Report

Astros:  Arias is throwing again and Moehler had groinical surgery a few weeks ago.  Bourn is listed as day-to-day with an oblique strain, but it’s a virtual certainty that he won’t play again this year.  It still hurts me to watch Pence bat.

Reds:  Former Astro Russ Springer is done for the year with chronic unhipness; Lincoln (P) is also done for the year; Bruce (RF) and Nix (LF) are both day-to-day and, if there’s any sense in the Reds organisation, won’t be rushed back before the playoffs.  That preening, showboating, fat-lipped, fat-headed waste of oxygen known as Jim Edmonds is feigning injury so that he can skip the NLDS, get back on the roster for the NLCS, and strike out with the bases loaded and the series on the line.  I hate him.

Giveways and Promotions

According to their website, there’s nothing.  According to the standings, the fans will be treated to a division championship.  Given my druthers, I’d take the latter.

What’s on Limey’s Mind?

Beer and music.  I tried Hacker Pschorr last night.  Umm…no thanks.  Unless the Gingerman uses jalapeño detergent in their glass washer, I’m at a loss to decide where that taste comes from.  Sorry HH.  I also tried Pilsner Urquell and Real Ale’s Octoberfest, both of which I enjoyed.

Meanwhile, the Austin City Limits festival is fast approaching.  I saw that Cage the Elephant were added to the roster, so that’s good.  But there’s still some holes and some repeats which I’m hoping will get fixed in a good way.  Michael Franti’s in Houston this weekend – surely he can be persuaded to swing by Austin?  Just give him a better stage than last time – he’s on a beer commercial for fuck’s sake!  I will be there, as will a few TZ regulars I know, so I hope to catch up with some or all of you while there.  Oh, and not a drop of rain in the forecast!  No slopping through chocolate pudding this year!

Sayonara

The lights are going out all over Houston.  Mine will be the latest switch flipped to off during the trudge to October, as this is my last preview of the year.  One advantage of writing the occasional preview is that it forces one’s attention onto the Astros during a season when it was easy to drift along, not wanting to look because it was typically unpleasant to do so.  The kids brightened up August and September, and that means that I’m going to be fired up and focused when Spring rolls around.

Fuck the Cubs
Fuck the Jakes
Fuck the Yankees
Fuck Brighton & Hove Albion

and

Fuck the Cowboys!

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