The Astros’ dismal season continues to trundle along little of any substance on which to comment. They just lost 2 of 3 at home to the Reds (who are making a hostile takeover bid for MMPUS, it seems) having previously taken 2 out of 3 in Wrigley, which is always nice. The thing that is keeping the phones ringing and keyboards clicking is the daytime soap opera about terminally disgruntled ace Roy Oswalt, and his desire to be traded to Shangri La.
I’ll get into that in a moment, but first a word from our sponsor: If your Ace is bitchin’, this will stop that itchin’…Vagisil!
At this point, it is impossible to tell what is the biggest hurdle towards making a trade. Is the team demanding too much in return? Is it Roy’s demand that his option be picked up? Is it that he is pitching like shit and doesn’t give a fuck? Common sense suggests that it’s a combination of all three but, as the waiver-free trade deadline approaches, one can hope that someone will blink and a trigger will get pulled. In the meantime, unease and awkwardness will continue to linger.
Which reminds me: if that odour still lingers, get some cream on those fingers…Vagisil!
Oswalt is not due to pitch this series; thankfully, as his last outing against the Reds was pathetic beyond words, and then underlined and highlighted by Wandy’s mastery of those same Reds just a few hours later. He may never pitch in an Astros uni again. It’s amazing how far and how quickly a player can fall in the eyes of hitherto adoring fans. I think the vast majority want him gone. I know I do. The idea of him remaining an Astro after this is not a happy prospect. I’m less and less interested in getting much if anything in return, and more and more interested in just seeing him gone. Maybe Wade can still pull a surprise.
Of course, if you’ve a surprise between your thighs…Vagisil!
Minute Maid Park
Monday, July 26, 7:05 CDT
Tuesday, July 27, 7:05 CDT
Wednesday, July 28, 1:05 CDT
Probable Pitching Match-Ups
Monday: Carlos Silva (9-4, 3.86) vs. Wesley Wright (0-0, 4.40 ERA)
Silva has been getting shelled of late, to which a 14+ ERA over his last 3 starts will attest. In fact, he hasn’t made it past the second inning in his last two starts, and has been given an extra day of rest to work on things on the sidelines. Maybe that’s true, or maybe they just wanted to get him into this series to get some confidence back against the Astros’ noodle bats. That might be a good strategy with most pitchers, but Silva was on the mound when the Astros punched out for 5 runs before coughing up an out in Wrigley last week. He’s 2-1 in his career against the Astros, but has very little history with the current lineup with only J-Mike and Lee having any significant stats, and they are at or a fraction above the Mendoza. Of course, pretty much everyone got a knock off him last week.
Wright got the first start of his career against the Cubs last week, and pitched 4.2 innings, yielding one earned run and earning himself another shot at them this week. The team had his back though, booting the ball which lead to 5 unearned runs and an eventual 7-14 Cub win. With any luck the defense will have its head out of its arse this week, but I’m not going to hold my breath. Fuckyoudome is 2-4 and Errormiss is 2-2, but otherwise Wright has handled the Cubs albeit in very limited opportunities.
Tuesday: Ted Lilly (3-8, 3.88) vs. Bret Myers (7-6, 3.24)
Lilly, Lilly, Legs, Lilly
Ted Lilly is supposed to be a decent pitcher. I suppose a sub-4 ERA is ok, but nothing special. On the Cubs, that’s good for a 3-8 record because, on the Cubs, that 0.02 difference in ERA between Lilly and Silva is worth 5 games, it seems. He’s 0-1 over his last 3 starts with a 4.50 ERA, which makes me wonder why he isn’t making more noise about a trade than Oswalt. Lilly started the extra-inning win in which he pitched 7 innings giving up just 1 run, so that puts the other 2 recent starts into perspective. Over the years, he’s done a number on the Astros’ hitters, with only Lee and Jeff Fucking Keppinger looking anything like able to handle him – but that was before Lee fell off the edge of a buffet table this year.
Bret Myers is the other Astro around whom trade rumours swirl. That’s because, domestic issues notwithstanding, teams prefer him to Oswalt. Can’t say I blame them, as he’s pitching better and seems to give a fuck. He’s 2-0 with a 1.59 ERA over his last 3 starts which, if my maths serves me correctly, is better than 1-2, 4.00. Bret was Lilly’s opposing starter in the aforementioned extra-inning win by the Astros, and matched him all the way. Myers is 8-3, 2.52 lifetime against the Cubs, which is not born out by his stats against the individual hitters. Lee, Soto, Ramirez and Theriot all beat the shit out of him.
Wednesday: Randy Wells (5-7, 4.07) vs. Bud Norris (2-7, 6.08)
Randy Wells’ parents decided to cut out the confusion, and Christen him with his porn name. Little did they know at the time that he’d grow up to be a dickless Cub. Oh well. His season stats so far don’t look horrendous, but they have been helped by a purple patch of late, going 1-1, 1.29 with 19 Ks over his last 3. Wells is 2-1 lifetime against Houston, with a healthy 2.08 ERA, helped no doubt by keeping Berkman, Lee and Pence very quiet even though Bourn hits him at a .444 clip.
Bud Norris was pitching hurt for a while, and it was thought that this was affecting his performance. Apparently not. His return to the rotation has seen zero wins in 5 starts, and a reduction in his ERA from 6.80 to 6.08. His last three starts are in the books at 0-2, 6.38. We were hoping for a lot this year from Bud, especially after he dominated the Jakes in one, memorable game. Still, I think there are plenty of teams who’d take Bud before Roy. There’s not much to report on the head-to-head front, but I think we’ve seen enough of Norris this year to know that he ain’t got it over anyone.
Giveaways and Promotions
Monday night is shit in one hand, wish in the other night a MMPUS.
Tuesday is Doubleplay Tuesday when $2 gets you two tickets to see Carlos Lee erase baserunners in front of him, as long as you present the labels for two 32oz Powerade drinks.
Retro Cap
Wednesday is retro cap day for the first 10,000 slackers who aren’t working that afternoon. It’s also the “Carlos Lee” Nine-Inning Lunch Break, where $40 gets you a field box seat and $20 of MMPUS food and drink, i.e. a Shiner and a plain hotdog.
Injury Report
Arias remains done. Blum has begun workouts and is expected back “late July”, which is about now, I believe. Fulchino threw a simulated loss in the opener of a simulated double-header on July 21, but isn’t expected back until after Roy is traded. Manzella, like Blum, has begun working out but isn’t due back until August. Moehler threw a simulated loss in the nightcap on July 21 and will slot back into the rotation once Oswalt is traded. Paulino must’ve been naughty because he’s going to miss another 4 weeks.
Pitchers Caridad, Grabow and Guzman are all safely tucked up in bed.
What’s on Limey’s Mind
1) Fuck the Cubs (you thought I’d forgotten, hadn’t you).
2) The impending break-up of the Astros. Can we please just get it over with? It’s an impotent feeling, but all we can do is wait to see what Wade can drum up, because on this subject the organisation remains very tight-lipped.
Speaking of tight lips: Vagisil!