By Craig Elliott

The Astros took two of three from the Brewers, thanks in large part to Morgan Ensberg’s HUGE FUCKING STICK. Adam Everett has turned into an RBI machine, which is not to be confused with the vending machine at first.

And the Astros will need all those bats if the goddamn bullpen keeps imitating Yvette on “Take Your Base Night.”That’s where the first 10,000 opposing players get their choice of four free sacks.

Meanwhile, the Pirates just lost a series to the Co-Ards and are already six games back in the division. However, the Wilson Sisters have been a couple of bright spots for the Roots this month. Nancy has moved to first to replace Sean Casey and got Player of the Week honors. Still has that mangy-ass beard, though. Ann already has four errors at shortstop, but four homers as well. Apparently she’s not as nimble as she once was, but still has the pop.

When:
Friday, April 21, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, April 22, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, April 23, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Friday’s and Sunday’s games will be on the Fox Southwest feed. Pierogies for everyone on the Pittsburgh broadcast Saturday.

Where: MMPUS

Saturday’s giveaway is a nice mousepad with the schedule on it. John “Say My Name, Bitch” Lopez can use it to stay awake while he’s surfing that other Astros site. You know, the one where you wouldn’t be allowed to say “fuckwit Chronicle inbreeders.” For example.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

The Astros took two of three from the Snakes, thanks to some eye-popping offense and nice pitching from Wandy and Citgo. And while Ensberg and Berkman are totally on fire, I think some of the credit may also go to my secret-weapon Adam Everett T-shirt that I bought on Opening Day. Saturday night I just thought about wearing it, and Dude had a double and a homer. And on Sunday the Astros were behind 2-1 when I put on the shirt and went outside to work in the yard. Came back inside half an hour later and it was 8-3.

So now the Astros are on top of the division, but everyone else except Pittsburgh is within a game. And it’s April so the standings don’t matter yet anyway. Milwaukee started the season hot, but they’ve lost their last two series (to the Jakes and the fucking Mets). The Brewers just got Ben Sheets back from the DL, but he got knocked around Sunday and won’t be pitching in this series anyway.

When:
Monday, April 17, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Tuesday, April 18, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, April 19, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – Monday’s game will be on the Milwaukee feed, and Wednesday’s will be on Fox Southwest. Nothing Tuesday.

Where: MMPUS

Yvette must have gotten a sweet deal on magnetic schedules, because they’re the promo giveaway for the first two games of this series. Those things are massively useful, so if anyone scores an extra schedule, please hook me up. Otherwise I might miss a Pittsburgh series in the middle of the season, when they all start to run together.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

I went to my first Astros game in something like 27 years, and wouldn’t you know, HudsonHawk wisely picked the game where we could all give Jeff Bagwell a standing ovation. I’m glad I got to see Opening Day and all, but when I look back on it, the Bagwell moment will be what I remember.

Well, that and watching Budgirl ogle Brad Ausmus’s ass from a quarter-mile away.

The Astros didn’t look so hot in the first series, but it was enough to take two games from the Fish. Next up are the Nationals, who just dropped two of three to the goddamn fucking Mets.

When:
Friday, April 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Saturday, April 8, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, April 9, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Monday, April 10, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – I don’t know. All their website says is “Check Back Next Season for an Updated Schedule.” Unfortunately for me, Arkansas is blacked out for the Astros, so I may as well have taken my $159 and bought another shirt at The Shed. (And by the way, the selection of Astros shirts to buy at Minute Maid was pretty weak in my opinion.)

Where: MMPUS

Yvette is busting out the goodies again this series, with pins, pennants, foam fingers, and NL champion posters ready to give away. The rack of promo items has been copious thus far.

And speaking of Yvette’s copious rack, I can’t believe I actually heard Vince Young and Milo telling horny jokes about her tits the other night. Holy Toledo, it sounded like they both wanted to split the big wagon-gate in center.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Opening Day, baby! Time to get back on the train and ride that fucker until the end of October again. We’ve got a few new faces but things are pretty much the same. Purpura is still waiting for a call from Roger Clemens’ ego, and Jeff Bagwell’s shoulder is playing catch with eight insurance guys.

Throw in Preston Wilson, and you’ve got essentially the same team that capped the Cardinals’ ass and went to the World Series. Or at least it will be once Roger comes back. We’ll just have to endure all that East Coast media gorvelling on Clemens until then.

The offseason hasn’t been so kind to the Marlins. The Fish tank was scraped dry and restocked with a bunch of wiggly minnows no one ever heard of. And it’s always unpleasant mucking your way down to the bottom hold of an old fish boat, because the deeper you go the more it smells like Anna Benson.

When:
Monday, April 3, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, April 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, April 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – I don’t know because they haven’t posted the fucking schedule yet. Because apparently the MLB schedule is a mystery until Opening Day. On a personal note, I’ve moved to Arkansas now and I’m waiting to see what the blackout situation is. Always the worst part of moving.

Where: MMPUS

For Opening Day this year we’ll see the National League pennant mounted and screwed to the wall at Minute Maid. So to speak. And there will also be a military flyover, a parade of old Astros, giveaway towels with the NL pennant on them, a bulldozer demonstration by Roy Oswalt, and a quarter of flag football with Lance Berkman. OK, maybe not all that, but enough to keep you busy while Roy throws fish in a barrel. Or something.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Zeke Astacio came out looking like the goat in Game Three, but honestly we should have never seen him. The Astros had more than enough chances to win. When you leave that many guys on base, especially in the late innings, then it may come down to Zeke Astacio and Geoff Fucking Blum.

But now we have to move along and take Game Four. Both bullpens got a workout last night, so let’s hope Backe can go deep into the game. Some Astro hitters going deep would be nice too.

When:
Wednesday, October 26, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

It looked a little tense in there Tuesday night; the deathly quiet at key moments is unnerving. But I have to say, I don’t think I?ve ever been so intent on one at-bat, and even one pitch, as when Ensberg had the 3-2 count with the bases loaded. But he whiffed.

Read More

By Craig Elliott

Christ, what a time for Scott Pencildick to hit his first homer of the season. Throw in some costly Astros miscues and some shitty-ass umpiring, and we’re down 0-2. Not to take away from the White Sox because they’ve played great, but the Astros can beat these chumps.

And now we get to see these fuckers go up against Roy Oswalt. If Roy is dealing like he was against the Cardinals, then the White Sox won’t be getting a lot to hit. Sox starter Jon Garland, who has a total of 12 major league at-bats, should especially enjoy getting to bat against Oswalt. On the other hand, you know the Sox are licking their fat American League lips at the Crawford Boxes.

When:
Tuesday, October 25, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

Congratulations to everyone who gets to go to the first World Series game in Houston. If you see Bud Selig there, you might ask him why the fuck it’s OK to risk player injuries in that slop in Game Two, but it’s not permissible to close the roof at Minute Maid. It’s like MLB has to crush any semblance of fan participation. Well, except for yelling “Fuck you Berkman” or pulling Patty Biggio’s hair. (Though to be fair, Ozzie Guillen did say the hair-puller should be brought before him in the dugout for a little hometown justice. Probably involving chickens and blood.)

Read More