By Craig Elliott
I went to my first Astros game in something like 27 years, and wouldn’t you know, HudsonHawk wisely picked the game where we could all give Jeff Bagwell a standing ovation. I’m glad I got to see Opening Day and all, but when I look back on it, the Bagwell moment will be what I remember.
Well, that and watching Budgirl ogle Brad Ausmus’s ass from a quarter-mile away.
The Astros didn’t look so hot in the first series, but it was enough to take two games from the Fish. Next up are the Nationals, who just dropped two of three to the goddamn fucking Mets.
When:
Friday, April 7, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Saturday, April 8, 6:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Sunday, April 9, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Monday, April 10, 1:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – I don’t know. All their website says is “Check Back Next Season for an Updated Schedule.” Unfortunately for me, Arkansas is blacked out for the Astros, so I may as well have taken my $159 and bought another shirt at The Shed. (And by the way, the selection of Astros shirts to buy at Minute Maid was pretty weak in my opinion.)
Where: MMPUS
Yvette is busting out the goodies again this series, with pins, pennants, foam fingers, and NL champion posters ready to give away. The rack of promo items has been copious thus far.
And speaking of Yvette’s copious rack, I can’t believe I actually heard Vince Young and Milo telling horny jokes about her tits the other night. Holy Toledo, it sounded like they both wanted to split the big wagon-gate in center.
Projected Matchups
Don’t be surprised if there are changes in the pitching matchups, because Backe, Drese, and Patterson are all listed as questionable.
Tony Armas (7-7, 4.97 in 2005) v. Brandon Backe (10-8, 4.76 in 2005)
Armas is 2-1 against Houston in five appearances. Eleven current Astros have batted against him before, and are a combined 13-for-69 (.188). Look for good things from Lance Berkman, as he’s 5-for-8 (.625) against Armas with a triple and two homers. Preston Wilson is also 6-for-17 (.353) with a triple and a homer. Brad Ausmus also has a homer off Armas.
However, Biggio is 0-for-12 against Armas, while Ensberg, Lane, Everett, Taveras, and Burke are a combined 0-for-16.
Backe is 0-1 against the Nationals, but he’s held current gNats to a .173 average (9-for-52). Leftsecond-baseman Alfonso Soriano is 2-for-12 against Brandon, and Daryle Ward is 1-for-8. (Ward signed with Washington in the offseason after two seasons in beautiful Pittsburgh.)
Livan Hernandez (0-1, 4.50) v. Roy Oswalt (1-0, 0.00)
Hernandez is 7-4 against the Astros in 12 appearances. Current Astros are batting a combined .312 against him, but the only homer came from Berkman. (Well, Bagwell also had one.) But overall, Wilson is 8-for-20 (.400), Biggio is 13-for-33 (.394), Lamb is 5-for-14 (.357), Ausmus is 7-for-22 (.318), and Berkman is 6-for-20 (.300). WillyT is also 2-for-3.
Roy is 3-1 against the Nationals, with a 1.85 ERA. Nearly everyone on the team has batted against him, but they’re a combined 19-for-107 (.178) with no homers. Some Nats to watch out for include Jose Vidro (5-for-14), Marlon Anderson (3-for-8), and Brian Schneider (4-for-6).
On the other hand, Soriano is 1-for-14 against Roy, Damian Jackson is 1-for-10, and Ward is 0-for-9. Jose Guillen is 0-for-8.
Ryan Drese (7-12, 5.78 in 2005) v. Andy Pettitte (0-1, 13.50)
Drese pitched for both Texas and Washington last year. He’s 0-3 against Houston, with an ERA of 5.40. Just about everyone on the Astros has seen him before, including Eric Munson (1-for-4). The Astros are 31-for-98 against Drese, but the only homer was from Ensberg.
Berkman is 6-for-12 against Drese, Bidge is 6-for-13, and Willy is 3-for-7. Adam Everett is 0-for-9.
Pettitte is 2-0 against the Nationals in four starts. Current Nats only bat .198 (.23-for-116) against him, with homers from Fick and Soriano. Washington’s best hitter against Andy is Royce Clayton at 5-for-16. It’s too bad Christian Guzman is out, because he’s a boggling 4-for-27 against Andy … with 13 strikeouts.
John Patterson (0-0, 9.00) v. Wandy Rodriguez (1-0, 5.40)
Patterson is 1-0 against the Astros in two appearances. Current ‘Stros are 17-for-55 (.309) against him, including Morgan Ensberg at 3-for-5 with two homers. Preston Wilson is 4-for-7 with three doubles, a homer, and 7 RBI. Palmeiro is 3-for-7, and Taveras is 3-for-8.
Wandy is 1-0 against Washington in two appearances. The Nats only bat .219 (7-for-32) against him. The only records of any consequence are Jose Vidro at 2-for-5 with a homer, and, uh, Livan Hernandez at 2-for-2 … with a homer.
Key injuries:
Washington – John Patterson and Ryan Drese are questionable starts for this series, Pedro Astacio and Robert Fick are out until at least mid-April, Christian Guzman may be out for the season, and Luis Ayala and Brian Lawrence are definitely out for the season.
Houston – Backe is questionable for this start. Bagwell can wave his cap at the crowd, but that’s about it.
Other shit
Some highlights from attending my first OrangeWhoopass Opening Day game:
* Best job of arranging the whole thing and explaining to the ushers why no one was in their assigned seats: HudsonHawk. “I don’t know who goes where. We bought 30 tickets. But everyone’s kind of moving around.”
* Best job of getting lost and missing the stadium: Me, driving. Honorable mention: The F-16 pilots who flew over the parking lot but not much of the stadium.
* Best delusion: Budgirl (from just below the upper deck in right-field foul territory). “Bradley can hear me yelling for him. I know it.”
* Best Wave-breaker: Jim R. (when some random guy next to him shouted “Wooo! Let’s do the Wave!”). “We don’t do the Wave here, son.”
* Best imitation of the ongoing Lance Berkman conversation at first base: MRaup and Andyzipp. “Hi #17, I’m #17 too. It’s a great number. You’re a rookie aren’t you? Have you seen ‘Ice Age 2’? We should totally go see it after the game…”
* Best comment that made me laugh out loud: Mraup. (When Milo began announcing the entire roster and coaching staff for both teams, and immediately fucked up Alfredo Amezaga.) “Oh, this is going to be GREAT!”
* Best on-the-spot creation of a derogatory nickname that refers to a sexual act: Andyzipp and me. Andy wanted to know if a “Hanley Ramirez” comes before a Rusty Trombone, or after a Dirty Sanchez. After some thought, it was determined that the Handjob Ramirez is actually a component; it’s the reacharound subset of the Rusty Trombone.