By Craig Elliott
Opening Day, baby! Time to get back on the train and ride that fucker until the end of October again. We’ve got a few new faces but things are pretty much the same. Purpura is still waiting for a call from Roger Clemens’ ego, and Jeff Bagwell’s shoulder is playing catch with eight insurance guys.
Throw in Preston Wilson, and you’ve got essentially the same team that capped the Cardinals’ ass and went to the World Series. Or at least it will be once Roger comes back. We’ll just have to endure all that East Coast media gorvelling on Clemens until then.
The offseason hasn’t been so kind to the Marlins. The Fish tank was scraped dry and restocked with a bunch of wiggly minnows no one ever heard of. And it’s always unpleasant mucking your way down to the bottom hold of an old fish boat, because the deeper you go the more it smells like Anna Benson.
When:
Monday, April 3, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, April 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – KNWS
Wednesday, April 5, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
MLB Extra Innings – I don’t know because they haven’t posted the fucking schedule yet. Because apparently the MLB schedule is a mystery until Opening Day. On a personal note, I’ve moved to Arkansas now and I’m waiting to see what the blackout situation is. Always the worst part of moving.
Where: MMPUS
For Opening Day this year we’ll see the National League pennant mounted and screwed to the wall at Minute Maid. So to speak. And there will also be a military flyover, a parade of old Astros, giveaway towels with the NL pennant on them, a bulldozer demonstration by Roy Oswalt, and a quarter of flag football with Lance Berkman. OK, maybe not all that, but enough to keep you busy while Roy throws fish in a barrel. Or something.
Projected Matchups
Dontrelle Willis (22-10, 2.63 in 2005) v. Roy Oswalt (20-12, 2.94 in 2005)
Willis is 3-1 against the Astros with a 3.00 ERA. Current Astros are a combined 26-for-97 (.268) against Dontrelle, with homers from Everett, Lane, and Preston Wilson. Wilson is 4-for-10 against him, and Everett is 4-for-11. Brad Ausmus is also 4-for-8 and Berkman is 4-for-13 with two doubles. Biggio is only 2-for-12 and Taveras is 0-for-7.
NLCS MVP Roy Oswalt is 2-2 lifetime against the Marlins. Believe it or not, only four current Fish have batted against Roy. Wes Helms is 3-13 with a double, a homer, three RBI, and four strikeouts. Miguel Cabrera is 1-3, and Miguel Olivo and Dontrelle Willis are each 0-2.
Sergio Mitre (2-5, 5.37 in 2005) v. Andy Pettitte (17-9, 2.39 in 2005)
Mitre came over from the Scrubs in the Juan Pierre deal, so he’s already tainted with Cub-Suck. He’s faced the Astros once in his career and went seven innings, giving up five hits and two earned runs. His career record is 4-10 with an ERA above 6.
Current Astros go 7-for-23 (.304) against Mitre. Preston Wilson is 2-for-2 with a homer, and Bidge is 2-for-3 with a double. Everett, Berkman, and WillyT are all 1-for-3.
Starin’ Andy is 2-1 against the Fish, but that was before the recent purge and restocking. Only six of the current fish crop has batted against Andy, and none of them have more than one hit. Helms is 1-for-10, Cabrera is 1-for-3, Olivo is 1-for-2, and Josh Willingham is 1-for-1. However, both Cabrera and Olivo’s hits were homers.
Brian Moehler (6-12, 4.55 in 2005) v. Brandon Backe (10-8, 4.76 in 2005)
Moehler pitched three games for the Astros in 2003, missed all of 2004, and appeared 37 times last year for the Marlins. His ESPN profile still shows an Astros cap, but he’s 2-0 against the Astros with a 1.50 ERA.
Current Astros are only 13-for-70 (.186) against Moehler. The best batter is Mike Lamb at 3-for-7, while Berkman is 3-for-9 and Biggio is 3-for-11. Willy Taveras has the Astros’ only homer off Moehler.
Backe is 0-1 against Florida in two appearances. But only five current Fish have batted against him, and they’re a combined 2-for-16. Those two hits came from Moehler and Cabrera, and Cabrera’s was a homer.
Key injuries:
Florida – Rookie starter Mike McGrew is on the 15-day DL. Yeah, me neither.
Houston – Jeff Bagwell’s shoulder is covered in a blue tarp, waiting for FEMA to come by and deny the claim.
Other shit
* Opening Day will be the first time I’ve seen the Astros in person since 1999. Last time I saw them Mike Hampton was pitching for the good guys, and Bagwell knocked one into the flowers. In honor of my arrival, the T-shirt and souvenir vendors will be on red alert, as will my credit card company and bank. Just doing my part to rent Roger for another few months.