By Craig Elliott
Christ, what a time for Scott Pencildick to hit his first homer of the season. Throw in some costly Astros miscues and some shitty-ass umpiring, and we’re down 0-2. Not to take away from the White Sox because they’ve played great, but the Astros can beat these chumps.
And now we get to see these fuckers go up against Roy Oswalt. If Roy is dealing like he was against the Cardinals, then the White Sox won’t be getting a lot to hit. Sox starter Jon Garland, who has a total of 12 major league at-bats, should especially enjoy getting to bat against Oswalt. On the other hand, you know the Sox are licking their fat American League lips at the Crawford Boxes.
When:
Tuesday, October 25, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox
Where: MMPUS
Congratulations to everyone who gets to go to the first World Series game in Houston. If you see Bud Selig there, you might ask him why the fuck it’s OK to risk player injuries in that slop in Game Two, but it’s not permissible to close the roof at Minute Maid. It’s like MLB has to crush any semblance of fan participation. Well, except for yelling “Fuck you Berkman” or pulling Patty Biggio’s hair. (Though to be fair, Ozzie Guillen did say the hair-puller should be brought before him in the dugout for a little hometown justice. Probably involving chickens and blood.)
Matchup
Jon Garland (1-0 postseason) v. Roy Oswalt (3-0 postseason)
Garland has never pitched against Houston, but three current Astros have batted against him, going 2-for-13 (.154). Mike Lamb is 1-for-9 against him, Orlando Palmeiro is 1-for-2, and Brad Ausmus is 0-for-2.
This is Garland’s sixth season in the majors, and all of his major league time has been spent with the White Sox. He throws all kinds of fastballs, but has trouble locating his breaking pitches. Since mid-August (including the playoffs), he?s had two wins, five losses, and three no-decisions. He had a complete-game four-hitter in Game Three of the ALCS.
Roy has never faced the White Sox either, though he has faced several of their batters. They’ve done well against Roy, going 19-for-54 (.342), though none of those hits went for more than two bases. Pencildick is 6-for-23 (.261) against Oswalt, with 4 strikeouts. Asswipe Pierzynski is 5-for-8 (.625), and Timo Perez is 4-for-7 (.571).
Geoff “Bleach” Blum is 2-for-8 against Roy, with both hits being doubles. Not that we’re going to see him. Jermaine Dye is 0-for-3, and Juan Urine’ is 1-for-4.
Players to Watch:
* Pencildick and Joe Dirt are two colossal pains in the ass. Maybe we’ll get a chance to test out Pencildick on the hill in center, or better yet, the flagpole.
* Didn’t take long to dispel the myth of Ozzie’s fat-ass closer. Lay off Roundboy’s high fastball and make him locate some pitches, and suddenly he’s not so ominous. But hopefully we don’t see his ass anymore.
* And by the way, Ozzie Guillen still needs to work on his signs to the bullpen. When he made that wide-body motion, I thought he was bringing in Jeanne Zelasko.
Other shit
* The White Sox theme song is “Don?t Stop Believin’.” Are you fucking shitting me? I guess Asswipe Pierzynski couldn’t find his Loverboy records.
* Carl Everett won’t be playing in this series, unless it’s pinch-hitting. Though of course he’s already added his usual architectural critique. And by the way, C-4 looks a little bigger than when we last saw him. Must be all that American League home-cookin’.