Rangers 12, Astros 7

W: Tepesch (3-3)
L: Lyles (1-1

Another Sunday, another recap of an embarrassing Astro asswhipping. Astro fans should get in free to these public executions but I’m happy that Dynamic Pricing™ is there to lighten the wallets of those fucksticks who identify with Dallas and the Metroplex.

Today’s was just a continuation of the series. The first two were something like Big Brother playing around with Little Brother, seeing what he could do before illustrating the gulf between them. This one though, Big Brother came out like Max Cady fresh from 14 years in stir, strutting and brash and harder than you think and capable of more than you want to see.

Lyles gave up one in the first when Fat Elvis doubled in Garcia, their B-team secondbaseman. Four more followed in the third when the Rangers began to apply pipe to head and body. Singles, doubles, home runs – the Rangers were kicking Lyles’ ass hard until it got to 12-1 in the top of the fifth. 17 hits, five walks, 21 left on base even though they scored 12. Humiliating.

Much has been made of the combativeness of the Astros but some of that is masquerade, the result of nonchalant usage of spare parts and lack of care by the Rangers. Really, Carter hit a home run and Barnes hit one, and those were good for five of Houston’s seven runs. Houston still struck out twelve times and couldn’t get shit together until mop-up time. It’s not like the Rangers ever got tense; more likely they were just working on some pitches.

It’s embarrassing to get the shit beat out of you day in and day out in front of everybody. I know how the Ranger Nation feels about it, I saw it in person on Saturday.

Texas 8 Houston 7

contributed by Mr. Happy

The sixth inning. The fateful sixth inning. Erik Bedard pitched a whale of a game tonight and deserved far better. As did Matt Dominguez, who went deep twice. The Astros went into the sixth frame with a 3-1 lead on Fuck Yu Darvish. Because Bo Porter made a horrific pitching change to one Philip Humber, we came out of the sixth inning down 7-3. Humber’s putrid line: .2 5 5 5 1 1 1. He couldn’t even finish the frame before Porter brought the long overdue hook out in favor of Cisnero.

Taking a well deserved L, Humber is now 0-8 9.59 on the season. Humber is responsible for approximately 30% of the Astros’ losses and 0% of the Astros’ wins this season. Have we seen enough of Humber? The answer to that question is obvious. Have we seen the last of Humber in an Astros uni? The answer to that question is unknown. Porter’s post-game comments didn’t suggest quick action on Humber. Humber has done nothing to deserve to wear a big league uni any longer this season. The poor bastard is embarrassing himself now. Surely he himself wants to be released.

The Good Guys made it interesting in the ninth inning, scoring three times, but they were unable to come back from that sixth inning hole, a hole that was foreseeable and preventable. In yet another ironic twist of fate, Fat Elvis provided what would ultimately prove to be the winning run with a home run off of Cisnero to improve his total domination of his former club. Berkman is now hitting .448 against the Astros with six long balls and 19 RBI’s in 66 trips.

Jordan Lyles is on the bump today, trying to salvage one game in the series. Come join us in the GameZone.

Texas 4
Houston 2

contributed by NeilT

Last weekend I went down to Houston to welcome the NRA to our great state, and show off the new toy the fine folks at LaRue loaned me. Howdy and welcome to Texas, folks! Our name means friends! It would have been better though if the targets had been more clearly identified as Democrats.

Anyway, while I was at the Brown Center at the trade show I met this fine-looking filly manning the Gun Grease booth. She told me she performed most nights onstage at a place called TC’s, and Michael Berry said he’d take me over, but Anita said Not No but H-E-double-L No. Me and Miss LaLoosh did talk a bit of baseball statistics, which I wasn’t much up on but she knew coming and going. Did you know that during my tenure as governor our Texas economy leads all other states combined in creation of American League jobs? I didn’t know that, but it’s because we have a balanced budget and a surplus.

So I came back to Houston this weekend to root for Texas’s team, the Rangers. For right-thinking people, Houston’s not Paint Creek, or even Arlington. It’s chock-full of Democratic mayors who might run for state office or try to be a den mother. We here in Texas will never bend over to the social and economic agenda of Western Europe, or of Houston.

Plus I have to pull for the Rangers ‘cause my good buddy Nolan pulls for the Rangers. Miss LaLoosh said last weekend that she was an Astros fan, but that as a special favor she’d help me pull for the Rangers. Anita told her thanks very much but I didn’t need help.

Baseball’s not as good a Texas sport as football, or just taking a jog to shoot some coyotes, but it has its place. And during my tenure as Governor, the Texas team leads the Houston team 43-31. That’s because we have a balanced budget and a surplus. And tonight, during my tenure as governor, the Rangers won 4-2, with 3 home runs. It’s great to be a Texan.

Angels 6, Astros 5

contributed by Mr. Happy

I wasn’t able to stay in the GameZone this evening because work had my goodbye party last night. I don’t know about you, but I’m not a big fan of going away work parties. You’ll stay in touch with the few with whom you have things in common while the rest will drop into oblivion. Most people come to those things out of some sense of duty, but they don’t really want to be there—they have lives and other things to do after work. I understand.

I wasn’t here long enough to develop any deep bonds anyway, so I could have passed on it. I can’t wait to get on with the next chapter of my life. I’m even excited about driving from Missoula to Toledo in a U-Haul truck with my few belongings that are here with me (the bulk of my stuff is scattered in three different places in Napa and Louisiana) while towing my car. Just me and my iPod. For over 1,800 miles.

Harrell had zippo command tonight-106 tosses and six free passes in five frames. And it seemed that slowing the game down as he did didn’t seem to help him either. Harrell is the principal reason why the nine inning game lasted 4:07. I prefer when Harrell works quickly as he usually does. Harrell has bouts of command problems, and I hope that doesn’t derail him. I like Harrell and believe that he could be a solid 3-4 on a good team.

Clemens is still raw, but I really like his stuff. That yellow hammer is nasty. And he can gas it up there well enough to blow it past hitters. Ambriz had nothing tonight. I have to hand it to Philip Humber tonight. I really believe that had he failed tonight in the bully, he would have been released, but he pitched well, although the damage had already been done. 11 walks tonight? Jeebus.

I don’t know what the post-game explanation of the brouhaha that broke out when Porter replaced Wright without him throwing a single pitch was, but it seemed to me that the rule clearly prohibited Porter from doing what he did. I’d have protested too. The past few days haven’t been the umpires’ finest hour. Frieri has electric nasty stuff.

Astros shut down Angels 3 – 0

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

For years I was a Scott Tissue man, until one day I actually thought about what I was buying and was instantly captivated by the notion of a butt maintenance material so lithe and supple that it could only be described as Angel soft. What a fine product it is. Still, there is something wrong with that name. Toilet paper is used for… well, we all know what toilet paper is used for. And that act shouldn’t be associated with angels or The Angels. Butt, then The Angels do have their Pujols, so it kind of makes sense.

Bud Norris was the model of efficiency, throwing only 84 pitches in 8 plus innings, just 77 pitches through the first 8 innings, thus providing the relief staff with some much needed rest. He got a lot of support from the defense throughout the night. The Astros were stellar in turning four double plays, taking their league leading total to 46 on the year. Bud, who raised his record to 4 wins and 3 losses, got into a little trouble in the 9th, allowing runners to reach the corners with no outs before giving way for Jose Veras to come in and save the game for him. And save the game he did. Veras is pretty iffy as a closer but he was good last night. First striking out Trumbo then inducing a double play out of Howie Kendrick to end the game and preserve the win for Bud.

The Astros got the scoring started in the third with two runs following three doubles in a row. Carter added a third and final run in the 5th with his 8th homer of the year. The Angels got on the board in the 7th when Josh Hamilton hit his 3rd home-run of the season and upped his average to .205. (Meanwhile, Pujols is batting a paltry .240. The lack of production from these very well paid athletes is unexpected but welcome everywhere outside of the L.A. area.)

The home plate ump, Bill Welke proved he is just as blind as his brother Tim, and needs to be singled out for his ridiculously bad out call on a suicide squeeze play in the Astros half of the eighth. Replay after replay from every angle possible made it clear that Conger missed the tag and that Paredes touched the plate. It was obvious to everyone but Bill Welke.

Fortunately, the blown call did not come back to haunt the Astros. However, it was a little tense when the tying run was on first in the ninth with a pitcher known to blow saves on the mound. But Veras was true to his task and did not let the team down. Tonight the Astros go for their first series sweep of the year when Lucas Harrell squares off against Jason Vargas.