Your sputtering, wheezing, flailing -about- the -place 4-9 Houston Astros take on the hot as fire-shit (ever had one of those?)  10-3 Dodgers, winners of eight in a row and kicking the hell out of everything in sight.  They’ve got a potent lineup led by Matt Kemp, James Loney of H-town, and the hitting savant himself, Manny “The Rag” Ramirez who is beginning to rake anything close to the plate when he isn’t in the dugout speaking in tongues (badly).   The team is second in the NL in hitting (.284)  and have jacked 13 home runs in 12 games.  They’ve got the player of the week in Andre Ethier who edged out three of his own fellow Dodgers (Orlando Hudson, Kemp, and Chad Billingsley) for the goddamn award.  They’ve got great, sometimes filthy pitching with four starters at 2.84 ERA or below and that doesn’t even include ex-Astro Randy Wolf (3.93) who has had two stellar outings and was capable in the other.  Their closer is Jonathan Broxton, a hard throwing rightie who has given up one run in 6 2/3 innings with 11 punch outs.  They’ve got a helluva bench that includes another ex-Astro, Mark Loretta along with Juan Pierre, Juan Castro and Blake DeWitt.

And then, they’ve got–the Brad. The last time we saw Ausmus, he was presiding at his own going away ceremony and on the receiving end of some nice parting gifts including a lifetime membership to the Temple YMCA.  We long time fans appreciated Brad for his great defensive skills, his intellect, and the occasional glimpses into his wonderful sense of humor.  Others liked a few of Brad’s other talents, so he arrives back in Houston with some heightened feelings of anticipation for the series with the Astros, along with a satchel of restraining orders for his legion of female admirers.   Seriously, it will be nice to see Brad back, even if it’s in Dodger blue.   The game needs guys like Ausmus who play it the right way, setting an example for the young players coming up and hopefully every once in a while impressing a fan or two not otherwise concentrating on doing the wave.  Brad’s been playing well and is 3 for 7 in the two games he’s appeared.

Brad Ausmus ministering to today's youth

For those of you stalking Brad while carefully observing the 100 foot limit set out by your court order, it appears most likely LA will sit Martin for the Thursday night game, giving Ausmusthe start.   Otherwise, look for him Wednesday night at Second Baptist’s “Up with People” concert.

Probable Matchups

Tuesday, April 21st at 7:05pm (FS-H) Clayton “Big K” Kershaw, LHP v. Russ “Running on Fumes” Ortiz

Kershaw has a 1.50 ERA with no decisions.  In his last outing against the Giants, he threw 7 innings of 1 hit ball with 13 strikeouts (the last guy that young to fan 13 for the Dodgers was some guy named, Koufax).   Houston has seen him andhis left arm before and didn’t like it the first time.  Chances are, they might not like it again.  Did I mention he’s left handed?

The Astros will trot out seasoned, well salted, hermetically cured and otherwise preserved Russ Ortiz who will pitch for a while, ask for new baseballs, shake off Pudge, heavily perspire, and work his way into and out of jams to hopefully hang on for five or so innings of veteran presence before he’s sent back to the smokehouse for additional flavoring.  Berkman has dibs on the first slice of Russ at the end of the season awards banquet.

Wednesday, April 22nd at 7:05pm (FS-H) Randy “Winston” Wolf , LHP (1-1) v Roy “Big Inning” Oswalt (0-2)

As mentioned, Wolf has been very effective this season, what LA was hoping to get and what Houston benefited from last year.  He had a rough first inning in his last start but settled down and threw five scoreless after that.  In his prior outing, he threw seven innings of two hit, shutout ball.  Not a bad pickup for the Dodgers.

Nicole and Roy Oswalt in happier days before his sordid affair with Jake Peavy

Roy is off to an annoyingly slow start, highlighted by losing to the Fuck the Cubs on Opening Day, despite the massive presence of the SnS faithful, engorged with cabrito, a fair number of brews (thanks, das!), and bootleg Enzyte chased down by gourds of pulque (the men had a glass of sherry).   In his last start, he dominated and root plowed the Reds as is Oswalt’s custom,  though Valverde gave it up in the ninth denying Roy his otherwise automatic Cincy “W.”  Should be a good matchup to watch, though Time Warner in Austin will most certainly pre-empt the game for a WNBA pre-season celebrity jam of some sort.

Tuesday, April 23rd at 7:05pm (FS-H) Chad “Spalding” Billingsley, RHP v Wandy “Eny” Rodriguez

Billingsley’s stuff in his last appearance was described as “unhittable” until he ran into trouble in the sixth.  He’s off to a fast start at 3-0 and a sub-3 ERA.  Chad drives a BMW, is on the advisory board to Maxim, and has his own table at the Mandalay adults only pool.  He likes to pick his nose a lot, so he’s got that going.

Home Wandy dominated the Reds in a combined shutout in his last start, whiffing 10.  He had his 12-6 working and located like an all-star.  He also appeared to have some solid rhythm with Pudge, though denied reports after the game that they were an item.

Injury Report

Los Angeles

Hiroki Kuroda is out with a “strained oblique” which is codespeak in Japan for “angry testicle after bukkake fighting.”  There’s probably a restaurant off of Fondren where you can order that.

Doug Mienkiewicz fucked up his shoulder and no one can spell his name.  Serves him right.

Jason Schmidt had shoulder surgery but they think he can be rolled out of the barn in May for a few innings before he blows the thing out again and is shot outright behind the dugout as an example to others.

Claudio Vargas has right elbow tendinitis from jerking off to his grand dad’s pictures.  They shut him down and he’s a temporary righty.

Claudio Vargas' love interest

Cory Wade has right shoulder bursitis but has discontinued his association with Claudio and will be back soon.

Houston

SnS own pravata reported that Matsui “feels fine” so here’s hoping he’s treading softly over the back and anal issues.  Supposedly, Matsui was  nowhere near Kuroda when his most recent flare up occurred.  Reports also indicate that Keppinger has said he’s ready and Houston will need him against LA’s lefties.  Doug Brocail says his shoulder is coming along better than anyone thought and thinks he won’t need rehab.  That might be wishful thinking since Doug’s AARP eligible and chapter president of his local Good Sam club.  Also notable:

Aaron Boone: goldbricking with some purported heart murmur or something.  Slacker.

Brandon Backe: he’s got that strained intercostal muscle (see “Bringing Up Baby”) and is a rearing to go to git back in thar.  Hope when that happens, he brings a little more something than he’s shown during the last year.  If not, Galveston Ball needs a JV coach and the police are hiring.

Brian Moehler: mid-knee sprain from jumping off  of Jeff Kent’s truck in a weird, veterans hazing ritual.  He was possibly clothed at the time.  No word yet when he’ll return but Kent is supposedly staying in Spicewood for the rest of the season to grumble and kill livestock with his bare hands.

Giveaways for the Dodger Series

Tuesday: “Double Play Tuesday.”  Sit in the cheap seats for two bucks with some PowerAde bottles.  Mix in a little Cutty Sark and by the 7th inning stretch, you’ll have a fine tenor voice.

Wednesday: “Play Green Recycled Material Cap” along with a “Play Green Celebration,” proving that Drayton ain’t letting this eco-shit thing  go to waste by missing out on marketing opportunities.  Marvel at the most awful head covering south of the Windy City along with whatever worthless recycling exhibits are conjured up for your pre-game viewing pleasure.  Look for the Reliant Energy booth where former hurler, Ken Bottenfield will demonstrate how a buffet enriched diet can produce enough premium grade fecal matter to power a Toyota Tacoma hybrid.  Milo will do the play by play of the process.

Thursday: Price Matters Days.  Pam Gardner will be at the Union Station entrance to hand out dollar off coupons along with commemorative sketches by Albert Speer.

Team president, Pam Gardner (right) on a downtown stroll with friends

Be the first on your block to own the most hideous Astros cap in franchise history.

Final Thoughts

Losing three out of four to the godless Dickities isn’t the worse thing in the world (the Astros are perfectly capable of dropping four straight to the Pirates) but it’s not a positive development and it was a team effort in stinking it up during this past series.  Doesn’t get any easier boys withLA, so you might as well stand on your hind legs and get after it.

The Dodgers picked up some solid characters with ex-Astros Wolf, Loretta, and Ausmus and that’s a good commodity to have for both the team and the city that surrounds Chavez Ravine.  Lots of hot bods out there, but they’re all supposedly good family men so maybe they can avoid starlet fatigue.  Lots of  cougars in those canyons, though.

Brad Ausmus shown here in another vicious cougar attack

Cecil Cooper has been extended and reports circulating from league sources indicate that he considers the new contract to be a mandate for taking the team to the next level, and we know where that’s going.  As reported earlier, his usage of khat and donning of ceremonial attire at even the most mundane of  ocassions has raised “concerns” from the normally laid back Astros clubhouse.  I say he’s done by August 15th but it should be fun watching the descent into madness.