During my enforced absence from the TZ at the end of the season (no, I was not sulking or crying in a corner) I’m sure you’ve all picked clean the bones of the Astros’ unsuccessful 2003 campaign. I have read a little of what’s been posted but, after perusing the recent ZipperFlap, I decided that plowing through all of it would be futile, painful and probably not a little annoying. That’s not to say that I think you lot are full of it and that I’m the only one with the answers. It’s simply that I have confidence that those debates which could come to a conclusion have done so without my assistance or interference; and those that haven’t probably never will.

My Two Cents

Of course, as an EgoColumnist, I am tasked with inflicting my thoughts upon you (cracking some shit jokes in the process). So here goes: Why did the chicken cross the road? Because it was performing a fitness test on its dodgy groin.Read More

This just in: The Reds suck. They say that pitching and defense win championships, and Cincy has none of either. I now wouldn’t be surprised to see them finish last in the pool of drowning souls that is the NL Central. Call me a homer, but I see the Astros as the only team that has adequate function in all of its limbs. The Co-ards have concerns about 4/5ths of their rotation and most of the bullpen; the Cubs (last night excepted) cannot score runs despite Sammy’s recork…errr…suregence; the Reds…well…we’ve just seen how inept they are at most aspects of this game; the Pirates are dealing away anything of value and weren’t very good before anyway; and the Brewers – surprisingly my pick of the best of the also-rans – will never really challenge for the top but may well finish 4th (a lofty height for them).

Of course, a run of fixtures like the Astros are enjoying will make any half-decent team look like the Yankees. There should be no apologies for this. The Astros can only play who they are told to play, and the Jakes get to see the same shit eventually. When it’s all panned out in September, someone will win and someone will not and there can be no crying over the schedule. What is making the difference right now is the Astros record in their division: +14 compared to +3 for STL. When you consider that the head-to-head is 6-5 in favour of the Astros, you realise what a god job they’ve done dispatching the Central. They’re doing what it takes to win the division and that’s what this part of the season is all about.Read More

We are now past the 1/3rd pole (and I am not referring to Jose Canseco’s ‘roid impaired peepee) and things are starting to crystalise in the NL Central:

1. The Brewers suck. Maybe not as much as they have in recent times, but they still suck.
2. The Pirates suck. Maybe not as much as they have in recent times, but they still suck.
3. The Reds have been upgraded from “Harmless” to “Mostly Harmless”; and The Red Messiah continues to be printed onto the list of the disabled.
4. The Jakes still play the Astros hard, and still consider it their God-given right to win each year because their fans are the self-declared best in baseball (whilst simultaneously booing Tino Martinez).
5. The Cubs are a joke.

Amazingly, this could’ve been written at this point in any of the last 3 or 4 seasons. In fact, it probably was, by me, but with AC off the air you’ll never be able to prove nothing. And if you do, I’ll just claim that I use this passage for typing practice and never intended to put it in an actual column.Read More

Mano e mano. The big dookaroo. St. Louis in one corner and the Astros in the other.

It’s pretty obvious to anyone who doesn’t still think that the Cowboys are a good team (obligatory football dig…check), that the home and home series between these two clubs is crucial to the outcome of the NL Central. The Astros must win – full stop! They cannot afford to drop more than a game (maybe two) of the remaining seven. But let’s not lose sight of the bigger picture (shh, no one tell Co Russa) because the Astros and Co-ards also have to keep winning in their other series too.

At this point, the STL starting rotation is hanging on by a thread. A thread that I believe the Astros can cut with a chain saw this weekend. Morris and Williams have not proven themselves fully recovered as yet. In Morris’ case this is because he’s only been back one game, but neither of them has faced anything like a team with the quality of the Astros. In fact, the last time the Co-ards faced a team over .500 was way back in the first week of August, when they were swept by Atlanta.Read More

Much to the chagrin of many in the TZ, the Astros remained silent on the trade front during the month of July. Meanwhile, most of the teams standing between them and a post-season berth were active. Only the Wild Card race leading Dodgers, who are on the brink of getting the Plumber back, were Hun-like and unmoved at the deadline.

Therefore, in an exercise of very premature mental masturbation, I’ve decided to see how everyone is doing with their new look rosters:

The Stinkin’ steM

In the midst of their home series vs. the Astros, the Mets engaged in a wholesale exchange of spare parts with Colorado and San Diego. Rather than detail the players involved I’ll simply say that, since the trades were made, the Mets have gone on a five game losing streak. Already dead and buried in the East, they’ve dropped to 5th in the Wild Card race, 2 games behind the Astros and 6.5 games behind the Dodgers.Read More

The Co-Ards have had trouble with pitching all year. From the extraordinary, untimely death of Darryl Kile to run of the mill injuries to Woody Williams and all points in between. So what do they go and do? Trade away two pitchers, that’s what they do. Whaaaaa?

OK. So Rolen is an upgrade over Polanco at 3B. His defense is special, and it does the Co-Ards the huge favour of keeping Pujols off the hot corner. Of course, this puts AlbErt into LF where he’s rapidly garnering a reputation every bit as good as Dimitry Young. ESPN says that this is a good thing because Pujols hits better when he plays LF. Huh?

With the stick, Rolen has better plate discipline and more pop than Placido. But then Polanco hit #2 most of the time, so they’re not really comparable in the line up. I await with baited breath what arrangement Co Russa will make out of this. What I do know is, Rolen will have to generate a shit load of runs.Read More