By Craig Elliott

Tighten your seat belts and hold on to the bar, because the mighty freight train is roaring toward Atlanta and crazy-ass Scrap Iron has the fucker floored. The Astros have raced back into contention, while St. Louis is folding like a shit-house of Cards. A beaten old deck of Cards, with only one ace and one king.

Once again it comes down to the last weekend of the season. You know the drill by now. Bust out your luckiest gear, perform your sacred rituals, and maybe even eat a sausage for the Brewers. Or drink a beer or something.

When:
Friday, September 29, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN, ESPN
Saturday, September 30, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? KNWS
Sunday, October 1, 12:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN

MLB Extra Innings ? All the games will be on somewhere, even if it’s TBS. And ESPN and Fox will probably be covering some too. At least until someone clinches.

Where: Edifice of Greed

For the first time in 15 years or something, the Blandwagon won’t be going to the playoffs, but it will kind of be the same because the Astros still get to end their season. Since their fans never showed up for the first round anyway, it should be interesting to see if they show up for the season-ender. Though after the last two postseasons, I imagine the ATL would love to fuck up the Astros’ playoff run.

Unless wrasslin’s on, of course.

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By Craig Elliott

Look out boys, Scrap Iron finally got the freight train rolling and coaxed it up to .500! The Astros are picking up steam while they grind out one win after another, and the Cardinals are in a tailspin that could be truly epic.

Two series left to go, though, so it’s going to be a tense week. And don’t forget the fucking Reds, who are still only a game behind the Astros. If the Jakes crash and burn, the Reds could be in the middle of the chase too.

The Pirates are no longer in the cellar, having handed that honor to the Cubs recently. But the Pirates are also on a four-game losing streak, including a sweep by the Padres.

When:
Tuesday, September 26, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Wednesday, September 27, 6:05 p.m. CDT ? FSN
Thursday, September 28, 11:35 a.m. CDT ? FSN

MLB Extra Innings ? The first two games will be on the Pittsburgh broadcast, and Thursday’s will be on Fox Southwest.

Where: PNC Park

The Pirates are 41-34 at home this year, so they’re no pushover. They’re also having some sweet giveaways during this series ? a Chevy SUV, a bass boat, and a snowmobile. They probably repo’d the boat from Derek Bell.

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By Craig Elliott

Well it may not be enough to catch St. Louis in the long run, but sweeping the Jakes out of town with four pounds of sand in their vaginas sure was fun to watch. The Astros are now 3.5 games behind the Co-Ards and one game ahead of the dipshit Reds.

The Jakes will finish the season at home with three games against the West-leading Padres, then four against the mighty Brewers, who, really, are one of my favorite teams and I hope they finish the season on a positive note with a sweep of the Jakes.

The Astros will be in Philadelphia long enough to kick the Phillies’ ass and take a dump, and then it’s off to Pittsburgh for like the 30th time this season. And the Astros will end the regular season with a series against the Braves, who are missing the postseason for the first time in 15 years or something. But the Astros will be there to abuse the Braves in the final series of the season … so at least it will seem like the playoffs to them.

Philadelphia is still leading the wildcard race, and it’s pretty well down to the Phillies and the Dodgers, who are a half-game back. The Astros are next at five games out. Philadelphia is on a five-game winning streak and has won 10 of its last 12, including a sweep in Houston last weekend. Ryan Howard is up to 58 homers now.

When:
Monday, September 25, 6:05 p.m. CDT – FSN

MLB Extra Innings – The game will be on the Fox Southwest feed.

Where: Citizens Bank Park

If the place is named for a bank, you’d think they’d know where to get financing for a fucking roof. Because I can think of one place right off the top of my head.

A win today will get the Astros to .500 again, which in the crappy NL Central is Within Official Striking Distance. Remember to pull for the Padres and Brewers according to your own special, twisted superstitions.

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