Myers digs large hole, fails to fall in and disappear

Posted on August 23, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps

Monday, August 22 2011

Astros 5
Rukakkes 9

W: Chacin | Big, Fat, Silly-Bearded Loser: Myers

I love it when I fire up my computer to watch the game, just a bit late but still in the first so I haven’t missed much, but just in time to see the first 2 opposing runs of the game cross the plate. 4 more would come across in the 1st in a rather ridiculous display of baseball. Not all the credit goes to Myers, really, but fuck him and his inability to have a mundane first inning.

Jordan Schafer made his debut tonight. NOW I remember that weasel. It’s going to take me some time to get over not seeing Bourn out there in CF but I guess this guy has some skills. Here’s hoping the tats don’t get in the way.

It’s the 3rd inning and Myers has only given up 1 run since the first but it’s 7-0 Rocks. The Astros have 6 hits already with shit to show.

Top of 4 and Bogey hits a lead-off blast to LCF to give the guys a run. 2 more baserunners hit the bags but none score. 6 LOB at this point.

Hard to fucking believe but Myers has settled down! Doesn’t he always? “Sorry for the 7 guys but I think I’m good now.” He was pulled after 6 to see if they could get some of his runs back.

Still 7-1 Stones bottom 8 when Rodriguez, who had retired 6 straight while punching out the last 4, walked 2 of the first 3. Carpenter comes in and gives up back-to-back singles and it’s 9-1 Rockies.

I like young teams that think they are always in a game. You always are really but the young guys tend to really subscribe to the notion. 9 batters made it to the plate in the top of the 9th. Matt Downs got the hearts racing with a PH 3-run job with no one out. Then after an Altuve GO, JD smacked a ground-ruler double followed by back-to-back walks to load ’em. Paredes gave it a ride to left but only enough to sac JD home and it’s 9-5 now.

Former Rock Barmes gave a good effort but K’d in the end. A pretty enjoyable contest, beyond the first inning. 15 hits but 11 left on. Shitfuck.

LET THE SKY FALL

Posted on August 22, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

HOUSTON Astros (42-85) vs. COLORADO Rockies (60-68)
August 22-24, 2011
Mile High Beer Park

CRYSTAL BEACH (SnS) – One could hear the sound of the shrimp boat’s engines somewhere out on the water. The boat didn’t sound far off. In fact, when the onshore wind gusted, it sounded like it was right on top of us. Read More

Rockies, Stroshartha, vison

You Take It

Posted on August 21, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Giants 6, Astros 4

W: Affeldt (2-2)
L: Melancon (6-4)

“Oh no no no no no. I insist.”

“Oh I just couldn’t. Please. After you.”

“I couldn’t live with myself if I went first. Please.”

“I just couldn’t. Please.”

“Oh no no no no.”

Sunday’s game was a cap to an invigorating six game stretch for the home nine. The new boys have been giving it what they’ve got, and even though they were taking it to the shittiest bunch of loserly fucks in the National League and what must be the most snakebit club in the loop, they did prevail with a 4-2 record in that stretch. Yeah, it coulda been 5-1 because the Giants absolutely refused gift after gift after gift from the Astros but in the end the panda took the bamboo for the win in extrys.

Sosa started and gave up a three-run jack to Belt in the second, but the Astros came back for four walks in the bottom of the second wrapped around a two-RBI single from Martinez and a couple of other hits to take the lead, 4-3. Tied in the eighth and in the middle of a stretch of several innings getting the leadoff runner aboard to no avail, the Giants had the bases loaded but Martinez made the play of the game. He snagged a fly to medium left and threw out a tagging Schierholtz at the plate on the fly, including a fine block of the plate by Corporan. Martinez was 3 for 5 on his 24th birthday, with two RBI but he couldn’t put the ball in play in the bottom of the ninth with the bases loaded. Without that last little bit of mojo, the curse of the extra innings caught up with the Good Guys when Melancon served up a fat cookie to Sandoval, who turned it into the turd of a two-run homer that extended their lead over the Diamondbacks.

Once again the kids looked good though. Plenty of entertainment value in this one, not the least of which is Altuve’s continued March to Greatness. He had a perfect sac bunt and one of the more bizarre pickoff recovery plays you’ll ever see.

After the game, Lyles was sent to OKC for a few days to make room for Schafer. The Astros expect to run out 2011’s clock on Lyles’ arm by using him in relief for the rest of the year. I hope that doesn’t mean working him in in emergency situations, but instead getting him a couple of innings of relief every fourth or fifth day.

Now it’s on to Denver tomorrow.

SUFFICIENTLY BREATHLESS

Posted on August 21, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps, News

HOUSTON 7, San Francisco 5
August 20, 2011
MMPUS

WP: Lyles (2-7, 5.02)
LP: Bumgarner (7-12, 3.68)

The Link Read More

Giants, rare win

Astros vs. Giants: If You’re not First, You’re Last

Posted on August 19, 2011 by Limey in Featured, Series Previews

To be honest, phoning this one in seemed like more work than just writing some crap, so I chose the latter. It’s the dreaded Friday afternoon preview that is read by ones of you, so it’s not like anyone will care one way or the other.

Your new look Astros t-ball roster is continuing this season’s efforts by drifting along a about a .300 clip. They are on a winning streak (of 2) right now, so there is that. They have also reached the 40-win threshold…about a month later than the second-to-last team to do that. This projects out to a 52-110 record – which would put the Astros just outside the top 25 on Wikipedia’s list of worst regular season record’s in MLB – behind the 2004 D-Bags at 51-111.

That’s what we’re shooting for, folks: to stay off the list that even the nerds who contribute to Wikipedia could not be bothered to research past 25 teams.

Minute Maid Park

Friday, 7:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Saturday, 6:05 CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV
Sunday, 1:05pm CDT – FSH-HD, MLB.TV

Probable Match-Ups

Game #1: Ryan Vogelsong (10-2, 2.47) vs. Wandy Rodriguez (8-9, 3.50)

“Vogelsong” is actually Dutch-Irish for “Winklevoss”, which is Islamo-Swedish for “silver spoon cry-baby”. He sports a soul patch, which has never really been cool, and smokes the Astros. I’m not even going to bother with pitcher vs. hitter commentary because: (a) it would be a terrible misnomer; and (2) there are members of as yet undiscovered tribes in Papua New Guinea who have more at-bats against this Astros’ roster than most major league pitchers.

Is it me, or is Wandy looking a little tubby these days? Whether he does or not, his ERA has been getting a little extra around the middle, as he struggles to stay within striking distance of .500. 1-2 in his last 3 starts at 3.71, which is both the same and worse than his career against the Giants of 1-2, 5.71. Only Orlando Cabrera has any trouble (and if he’s been traded to the Braves without me knowing I don’t care), while everyone else sees Wandy as fat as I do.

Game #2: Madison Bumgarner (7-11, 3.49) vs. Jordan Lyles (1-7, 5.31)

“Madison Bumgarner” is Franco-Swahili for “chick who parks it in the rear on the internet”. Jeez his parents must’ve really hated him. God hates him too, apprently, because he’s a lefty, playing on the defending WS Champs, has a better ERA than our Wandy and a worse win-loss record. Normally I would assume that anyone suffering as much unnecessary adversity as this guy would be a shoe-in for a set of wings, but I think he’s going to be fucked there too. Just look at his bank account! Eh? Oh.

Lyles

Jordan Lyles head shot looks like he’s either: (i) watching two girls, one cup; or (b) getting Franco-Swahili lessons from his mound opponent. If (b), I’m guessing that he’s somehow reminded of he recent starts. Which have been like getting fucked in the arse (I got bored with innuendo which is both a damning indictment of this season, and itself innuendo*). He’s never faced the Giants.

* An Italian suppository.

Game #3: TBA (not bad, decent) vs. TBA (holy fuck, where’s my mummy)

Astros lose.

Injury Report

Astros: Arias, Castro, del Rosario, Lyon and Schafer. As if any of that matters.

Giants: Carlos Beltran has just hit the 15-day DL with a sore right hand. So many choices here, but I’m going to go with “I didn’t know his contract was up for renegotiation”. Jeff Keppinger is day-to-day with a sore wrist – but he gets a pass on the masturbation jokes because he’s Jeff Fucking Keppinger. Pat Burrell has a bone spur in his right foot. Not by accident – he’s been growing it especially for Beltran who likes how it feels in his anus. Buster Posey is still recovering from GBH. Further masturbatory injuries (all true) include: Sergio Romo (sore right elbow); Freddy Sanchez (dislocated right shoulder); Brian Wilson (inflamed right elbow); and Barry Zito (right foot and ankle sprain). And if you’ve never sprained your right foot and ankle masturbating, you’re doing it wrong. Right Alkie?

Giveaways and Promotions

Wait, I’m not done with the Giants injury report. Aaron Rowand (strained left side) and Andres Torres (leg contusion). Both from masturbating. Each other.

Hideous

Giveaways and Promotions (The New Beginninging)

Friday: 10,000 examples of this hideous umbrella – perfect for our rain-soaked city – most of which will go unclaimed, or end up in the lower intestine of a San Francisco Giant. Also fireworks after the game and that Coca Cola Value deal thingy.

Saturday: 10,000 “Los Astros” t-shirts, which are way too easy to convert to “Last Astros”, or “Lost Astros” or just simply “Lastros”. I mean, really, they are more on auto-pilot in the front office than I am writing this preview. There will, however, be a Hispanic Street Festival – complete with Latin food and beverages, games, dancers, an exciting selection of live music, a drug war and donkey sex show. Well, there was at the last Hispanic Street Festival I attended.

Sunday: 10,000 Astros kids tees, kids run the bases (isn’t that normal for the Astros now?) and the Coca Blala Blavue Blay.

What’s On Limey’s Mind

My passport. I sent my old one in for renewal, and they sent me someone else’s in return. Doesn’t even look like me. How the fuck does this happen? Who the fuck has my passport? Are they seriously going to charge me $157 for the emergency travel document I need next week because they lost my passport?

At least I now know what sparked the riots, because there’s an Embassy in Washington that I want to raze to the ground.

We Suck Better Than You

Posted on August 15, 2011 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

That’s right. We suck. Get it out of your system, assholes. We have the worst record in all of MLB. Not a single Astros farm team has a winning record, either. Go ahead – name our best player. Better yet – just name two players. Didn’t think you could. The Astros suck and there’s not a damn thing that’s going to change that in the near future.

You know why this doesn’t bother me? Because even though the Astros suck, I’m still not a fucking Cubs fan. And I can fall fast asleep each night knowing that.

This Astros team is putting together a historically bad season, but you have a historically bad TEAM. See the difference? I go to games to watch baseball – you go to get slobbering drunk, just to find the courage to hit on the three-toothed diner hag sitting in the two seats next to you. My team’s greens crew knows how to keep the weeds from climbing the outfield walls – something that IMPROVES your stadium. Only the idiots at Astros games throw back homerun balls – EVERYBODY at Wrigley throws them back.

I don’t worship the seventh inning stretch, either. Sure, my ears bleed every time I hear Deep in the Heart of Texas, but at least I don’t have to endure fucking Snooki or Trump or whoever passes as someone of importance in your puny little minds butchering an already tired song.

And finally, but most importantly, I’m not a loser, lovable or otherwise.

Enjoy being second to last this year. I’m sure you’re used to it by now.

Cubs @ Astros Preview

All You Care About Is What Time the Games Start and Who Is Pitching

Monday 7:05pm, MMPUS

Rodrigo Lopez (3-3, 4.78) vs Henry Sosa (0-1, 6.00)

Tuesday 7:05pm, MMPUS

Ryan Dumpster (10-8), 4.70) vs Brett Myers (3-12, 4.71)

Wednesday 1:05pm, MMPUS

Casey Coleman (2-4, 7.23) vs TBD (0-0, 0.00)

Promotions

Basically every game is like $5 now.

Injuries

Arias, Castro and Lyon get to ignore the rest of the season. Del Rosario might come back in September. Shafer is due at the end of the week.

Cashner, Mateo and Schlitter are out for awhile. Zambrano (sandy vagina) is out for his career.

News & Notes

Sorry for the short post, hopefully JaneDoe can fill in a few blanks from her recent trip to Chicago soon.

Oh, and FUCK THE CUBS!

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