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  • Articles posted by JackAstro (Page 4)

Big night in the Hunter’s Lodge

Posted on June 4, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Astros 6
Rukkakes 4

W: Byrdak (1-1) | L: Marquis (7-4) | S: Sampson (3)
HR: Pence (6), Stewart (8)

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The Good Guys rallied late last night pulling out a solid 6-4 victory, their fifth in the last six after that fugly six game losing jag. Houston jumped on top in the first, plating three on a series of five singles and a ground out.

The game cruised smoothly along after that until the fifth, when Moehler got himself in a bit of trouble. After singles by Hawpe and Smith, Ian Stewart stepped in with one out and absolutely crushed a meatball into the right field upper tank, knotting the game at 3-3.

In the bottom half of the frame, Gunther lead off with a shot off the wall in left center that was thisclose to getting out. He settled instead for an easy stand-up triple, and the lead looked assured with Flapjack stepping in for his customary automatic sac fly. Instead, he grounded it back up the middle, and Marquis knocked it down with his pitching hand (perhaps not a great idea), held the runner, and got the out. Twinkie was pitched around and intentionally walked after he didn’t bite, and Pudge obliged the Rockies with the courtesy GIDP they were looking for. Cue sad trombone.

In the sixth, Fowler lead off with a double, and Barmes reached on a bunt single towards the third base side that no one bothered to field, as Moehler instead shuffled around the infield like a senile geriatric at Luby’s. Key lime pie or banana custard? TOO MANY OPTIONS! Helton’s facemuff powered a sac fly to left that El Kabong should have flipped back into the infield, but he tried instead to throw it to gleach, allowing Barmes to take second while Fowler jogged home. The ‘Stros put Hawpe on intentionally, but everyone moved up on a wild pitch, as a third wheel came off, and sparks streamed from the rims. Then just like that, everything came back together. Atkins grounded to third, and Blum went home with it, with Pudge tagging Barmes out as he tried to scramble back to third. Smith flew out to left, and the side was retired, amazingly with only a one-run lead to show for all that calamity.

Byrdak set Colorado down in order in the seventh, and Thunderpants tied it back up with a blast over the tracks leading off the bottom half. The Caballo and Fat Elvis followed with singles, and Pudge battled through an AB that ended with a liner right to 3B. Blum came up one down, runners first and second, and grounded into what looked to be a double play. However Peralta is not a 1B, and he was all flailing limbs and fail when trying to dig the return throw, which got past him and caromed off of Blum, getting too far away for anyone to throw out Flapjack’s fat ass at home. The Good Guys took a 5-4 lead, doing it with style and grace.

Sampson got through the eighth with a double and IBB, and Bourn got something going in the ‘Stros half with a one-out single up the middle. After swiping second on a Tejada ponche, he took third on a passed ball. Pence plated Bourn with a two-out single, his fourth hit and third RBI on the night. I’m not sure which of the 2,000 people attending were in the Hunter’s Lodge, but I’m sure they were just tickled about the whole thing. Sampson took the insurance run into the ninth, and closed it out with a little traffic but no scoring. This apparently marked the first two-inning save in something like four years, which seems like a typo. Nice job, regardless. The Good Guys go for the four-game sweep tonight, with Home Wandy taking the hill v. Jason Hammel. Go get ’em.

Glorious comebacks

Turd

Posted on May 28, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Astros 1
Redlegs 6

W: Arroyo (7-3) | L: Paulino (1-4)
HR: Bruce, repeatedly. Some other asshole, too.

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What a pile of crap that was. This game had a little bit of everything – defensive blunders, mediocre pitching, thoroughly anemic offense – the only thing missing was excitement of any kind. Arroyo and Bruce absolutely killed the Good Guys. The best I can say is that it was over with quickly.

If you need more detail than that, feel free to click the links above. Enjoy your masochism, you fucking weirdo. You know, actually, let me save you some time – the highlight is a sac fly in the 1st. You’re welcome.

The One in Which Cooper Finally Evolves Into Self-Parody

Posted on May 21, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Astros 6
Brewers 4

W: Wandy (5-2) | L: Gallardo (4-2) | S: Sampson (2)
HR: Tejada (3), Cameron (8)

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Last night was Mrs. JackAstro’s birthday, which we celebrated in fine fashion by managing a gaggle of screaming children at Freddie’s Place, sipping Crutches and exchanging pleasantries with the assembled crowd. (There was even a gentleman in a Cards hat with my photo on his t-shirt for some reason.) A good time was had by all. I was able to join the game in the sixth inning, thus sparing myself from having to witness first-hand the point where Cooper went from being a managerial curiosity of poor decision-making (and even worse communication) to what I can only assume is high performance art, shades of Andy Kaufman in his prime.

Let’s get this out of the way

I don’t want to completely overshadow the continued excellent work of Wandy Rodriguez, so let’s give him his due now, before we fire up the calliope and bring in the clown car. Wandy picked up his fifth win, giving up just one run over seven strong innings. In the 4th, he allowed a solo shot to Mike Cameron, just to see what it felt like – it was his first home run allowed this season. In the 6th, he drove in a run to balance things out, because it felt like the right thing to do. It was. Once, he changed his name and age for a few years, simply because he felt like it. Eny Cabreja is… The Most Interesting Pitcher in the World. Stay healthy, my friend.

There was offense, too

The middle of the order was lively last night, with the three- through six-hole driving in the five runs that Wandy didn’t feel like driving in himself. Gunther and Tejada were flipped in the order (Why? Because fuck it, that’s why.), and each kept right on producing with two hits and two RBI apiece. The four hitters in the middle combined for three doubles, a triple and a tater off of Gallardo – the first time he’d been touched up significantly since early April.

OK, seriously

What. The. Fuck. Five days (ed. note: FIVE!!!) after announcing that he would not bat Bourn leadoff – because really, why tinker with it? – Beloved and Benevolent Leader Generalissimo Cecil C. Cooper decided to pinwheel, and moved Bourn into the leadoff spot after all.

IN HIS MIND.

In actual application, however, Cooper managed to pass this decision along to everyone but the FUCKING UMPIRES, who, it turns out, may have some sway in evaluating the results on the field vis-a-vis the players batting in their assigned order.

Cooper filled out the official lineup card with Kaz leading off as usual, put it in his pocket, and handed it over to the umpires – without even checking it (ed. note: !!?!?!!) – on a night when he had moved half of the position players from their regular spot in the order. After Bourn went out and singled from the wrong spot, Ken Macha brought the error to the crew’s attention, because he is apparently not inflicted with crippling ADHD and early-onset dementia. In fact, Macha somehow finds the time and attention span required to not only check his own lineup multiple times, but even – gasp! – his opponent’s lineup, complete with notes. I’m only speculating here, but last night’s notes probably had more than a few LOLs and WTFs mixed in.

The result was an out for Matsui, and Bourn returning to the plate for his actual at-bat. While the umps explained all of this, Cooper took control of the situation, owning up to the mistake and making sure that Bourn understood and was prepared for his next trip to the plate sat on his fucking ass in the dugout, pouting and allowing his centerfielder to become increasingly confused and agitated with no input whatsoever from the skipper. It was up to Blum to take the initiative to pull Bourn aside, explain to him that it was not his fault, and get him refocused on the task of getting on base to help the team. Obviously. Because Geoff Blum is paid to manage the fucking players. [/headexplodes]

I have, I think, run out of ways to express what a complete and total clusterfuck Cooper has been this season. The seeds were planted and well-fertilized last year, but we are really only now starting to reap this bountiful harvest of gross and comedic incompetence. I’d like to believe that there’s nowhere to go but up. When you consider that “up” doesn’t even require a rational lineup card – just an accurate one – it would seem that it’s within reach. But we all know better. Today, Cooper may accidentally burn the dugout to the ground while tying his shoes, or fill the bullpen with snakes, just to shake things up. Honest to God, the sky’s the limit here. We need this thing to stop, before someone gets killed.

If Coop can manage to write a few names down in order and hand them over without severely injuring anyone in the process, Bourn should be leading off tonight in the finale. (Fingers crossed.) Go get ’em…

Offense explodes on Colorado

Posted on May 14, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Astros 15
Rockies 11

W: Hampton (2-3) | L: Marquis (4-3)
HR: Not by Houston, amazingly.

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In your face, Rukkakes

In your face, Rukkakes

The Good Guys hung three runs on the Rukkakes in four out of the first five innings en route to a complete mudholing that wasn’t nearly as close as the final score indicated. Without the benefit of a deep ball, Houston plated their fifteen runs by spraying two dozen singles and doubles all over Coors field in a deluge of offensive output that ran from the top of the lineup all the way down to the bottom. Former FTCubs Jason Marquis and Glendon Rusch took it on the chin in this one, absorbing all fifteen runs and badly staining their ERAs in the process. 

All of the ‘Stros starters picked up at least two knocks in the game, including Hampton, who scored two runs. Standouts included Twinkie, who went four for four with a walk to raise his average 29 points (16 over the Mendoza Line!), and Blum, who picked up five RBI from the seven-hole. Jason Smith somehow managed to stay 0-for-the-season in pinch-hitting for a pitcher who’s hitting .357, and word is Cooper may be considering moving him to the bullpen.

Hampton put in an ‘eh’ [makes universal so-so gesture] performance, logging six innings and giving up five. It’s hard to judge, since he was out there hucking fastballs and trying to attack batters with the lead. Given that the game produced twenty-six runs in just 3:13, I guess it worked. With a 15-6 lead heading into the bottom of the ninth, Geary managed to almost generate a save situation for LaTroy, who had to secure the final out after Geoff gave up five runs on two walks and three hits, including a salami. Houston is officially one Hawkins tweak away from having an almost complete bullpen collapse, so do light a cnadle for him, won’t you? Good Guys go for the series win later today – see you in the GameZone.

Full Metal Cooper

Posted on May 8, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Astros 5
FTC Babybears 8

W: Lilly (4-2) | L: Ortiz (2-1)
HR: Yes.

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A hobbled battalion of ballplayers limps across the outfield grass of the Ho Chi Minute Maid Trail at Union Station. Marching behind embattled manager Cecil C. “Coop” Cooper, the squad tries to set aside their fatigue and injuries. The air is thick with the pungent smoke of burned rotator cuffs and scorched elbows.

full-metal-coop-scene

Ahead on the trail, Colonel W.A. “Spack” McGrimm approaches the team, wanting a word with the manager…

MANAGER! WHO IS THAT SITTING ON THE BENCH OVER THERE?

The starting pitcher sir?

WHEN’D YOU PULL HIM?

After two and a third innings, sir.

WHAT IS THAT YOU’VE GOT DOWN THERE IN RIGHT CENTER?

An exhausted, overworked bullpen, sir.

YOU HAVE A WORN OUT BULLPEN, AND YOU YANK YOUR STARTER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE THIRD FUCKING INNING? WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO BE, SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?

No, sir.

WELL, WHAT’S IT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I don’t know, sir.

YOU DON’T KNOW VERY MUCH DO YOU?

No, sir.

YOU BETTER GET YOUR HEAD AND YOUR ASS WIRED TOGETHER OR I WILL TAKE A GIANT SHIT ON YOU.

Yes, sir.

NOW ANSWER MY QUESTION, OR YOU’LL BE STANDING TALL BEFORE THE MAN.

I think I was trying to suggest something about keeping pitches in the strike zone.

THE WHAT?

The strike zone. The control thing, sir.

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON, SON?

Our side, sir.

DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR TEAM?

Yes, sir.

WELL HOW ABOUT GETTING WITH THE PROGRAM? WHY DON’T YOU JUMP ON THE TEAM AND C’MON IN FOR THE BIG WIN?

Yes, sir.

SON, ALL I’VE EVER ASKED OF MY MANAGERS IS FOR THEM TO OBEY COMMON FUCKING SENSE AS THEY WOULD THE WORD OF GOD. WE ARE HERE TO HELP THE ASTROS, BECAUSE INSIDE EVERY PLAYER, THERE IS A FRUSTRATED SONOFABITCH TRYING DESPERATELY TO SUCCEED IN SPITE OF YOU. IT’S A HARDBALL WORLD, SON. WE’VE GOT TO TRY TO KEEP OUR HEADS UNTIL THIS INSANITY CRAZE BLOWS OVER.

Aye aye, sir.

 
– FIN

Boots in tailpipes

Meh.

Posted on May 7, 2009 by JackAstro in Game Recaps

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Astros 3
FTC Babybears 6

W: Harden (3-1) | L: Hampton (1-3) | S: Gregg (5)
HR: Twinkie (7), ErrorMiss (4)

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The return of Aaron Boone to MMPUS last night was overshadowed by the news earlier in the day that hitting coach Sean Berry would require surgery for a cancerous tumor on his kidney. Best wishes to him and his family. While the players may have been able to push aside the sobering news for the game, the whole affair still seemed disjointed and fairly joyless.

"Only 3 of Mike's 5 runs were earned!"

"Only 3 of Mike's 5 runs were earned!"

Hammy got himself in all kinds of trouble in the first inning, with the bases chock full of Scrubs, but came thisclose to getting out of it unscathed on a diving attempt by Bourn to snare a deep liner into the left-center gap. Sadly, the ball just did clear his glove, emptying the bases and leaving Reed Johnson on third with a triple. Johnson then scored when Pudge let a wrister get through the five-hole for the 4-0 lead. (Amazingly, this exact same thing happened in the sixth inning, too.)

Twinkie smacked a two-run opposite field shot in the eighth, if you’re looking for things to file under the Positive Developments category. In between, however, we were treated with a platter of LOBsters and a side of rally-killing GIDP, a lonely RBI coming from the pitcher, and episode number 2,309 in the infinite series Houston Astros’ Rundown Failtacular and Horseshit Show. Get your tickets, folks, it’s always worth the price of admission.

Go ahead and throw a pot of coffee on, because Russ Ortiz is taking the hill tonight for the Good Guys, insuring a methodical, steady approach to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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