Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Astros 6
Brewers 4
W: Wandy (5-2) | L: Gallardo (4-2) | S: Sampson (2)
HR: Tejada (3), Cameron (8)
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Last night was Mrs. JackAstro’s birthday, which we celebrated in fine fashion by managing a gaggle of screaming children at Freddie’s Place, sipping Crutches and exchanging pleasantries with the assembled crowd. (There was even a gentleman in a Cards hat with my photo on his t-shirt for some reason.) A good time was had by all. I was able to join the game in the sixth inning, thus sparing myself from having to witness first-hand the point where Cooper went from being a managerial curiosity of poor decision-making (and even worse communication) to what I can only assume is high performance art, shades of Andy Kaufman in his prime.
Let’s get this out of the way
I don’t want to completely overshadow the continued excellent work of Wandy Rodriguez, so let’s give him his due now, before we fire up the calliope and bring in the clown car. Wandy picked up his fifth win, giving up just one run over seven strong innings. In the 4th, he allowed a solo shot to Mike Cameron, just to see what it felt like – it was his first home run allowed this season. In the 6th, he drove in a run to balance things out, because it felt like the right thing to do. It was. Once, he changed his name and age for a few years, simply because he felt like it. Eny Cabreja is… The Most Interesting Pitcher in the World. Stay healthy, my friend.
There was offense, too
The middle of the order was lively last night, with the three- through six-hole driving in the five runs that Wandy didn’t feel like driving in himself. Gunther and Tejada were flipped in the order (Why? Because fuck it, that’s why.), and each kept right on producing with two hits and two RBI apiece. The four hitters in the middle combined for three doubles, a triple and a tater off of Gallardo – the first time he’d been touched up significantly since early April.
OK, seriously
What. The. Fuck. Five days (ed. note: FIVE!!!) after announcing that he would not bat Bourn leadoff – because really, why tinker with it? – Beloved and Benevolent Leader Generalissimo Cecil C. Cooper decided to pinwheel, and moved Bourn into the leadoff spot after all.
IN HIS MIND.
In actual application, however, Cooper managed to pass this decision along to everyone but the FUCKING UMPIRES, who, it turns out, may have some sway in evaluating the results on the field vis-a-vis the players batting in their assigned order.
Cooper filled out the official lineup card with Kaz leading off as usual, put it in his pocket, and handed it over to the umpires – without even checking it (ed. note: !!?!?!!) – on a night when he had moved half of the position players from their regular spot in the order. After Bourn went out and singled from the wrong spot, Ken Macha brought the error to the crew’s attention, because he is apparently not inflicted with crippling ADHD and early-onset dementia. In fact, Macha somehow finds the time and attention span required to not only check his own lineup multiple times, but even – gasp! – his opponent’s lineup, complete with notes. I’m only speculating here, but last night’s notes probably had more than a few LOLs and WTFs mixed in.
The result was an out for Matsui, and Bourn returning to the plate for his actual at-bat. While the umps explained all of this, Cooper took control of the situation, owning up to the mistake and making sure that Bourn understood and was prepared for his next trip to the plate sat on his fucking ass in the dugout, pouting and allowing his centerfielder to become increasingly confused and agitated with no input whatsoever from the skipper. It was up to Blum to take the initiative to pull Bourn aside, explain to him that it was not his fault, and get him refocused on the task of getting on base to help the team. Obviously. Because Geoff Blum is paid to manage the fucking players. [/headexplodes]
I have, I think, run out of ways to express what a complete and total clusterfuck Cooper has been this season. The seeds were planted and well-fertilized last year, but we are really only now starting to reap this bountiful harvest of gross and comedic incompetence. I’d like to believe that there’s nowhere to go but up. When you consider that “up” doesn’t even require a rational lineup card – just an accurate one – it would seem that it’s within reach. But we all know better. Today, Cooper may accidentally burn the dugout to the ground while tying his shoes, or fill the bullpen with snakes, just to shake things up. Honest to God, the sky’s the limit here. We need this thing to stop, before someone gets killed.
If Coop can manage to write a few names down in order and hand them over without severely injuring anyone in the process, Bourn should be leading off tonight in the finale. (Fingers crossed.) Go get ’em…