Tuesday, April 21, 2010

Astros 7
Fish 5

W: Lyon (1-1) | L: Wood (0-1) | S: Lindstrom (3)

Astros.com Wrap

Oh, shit. I write these things for Tuesday games now? Terrific. Let’s go…

The hottest team in baseball, Vegas favorites and inevitable World Series champions – YOUR 2010 HOUSTON ASTROS – kept the good times rolling with a late comeback victory last night against the hated rival extant Marlins of Florida. The game saw the restoration of order and reason to the lineup, with Berkman’s return to the snack corner and the three-hole in the order. He looked just as nimble and spry as he’s capable of looking, driving in two (on groundouts, yeah, but still…), doubling to left and diving all over his designated chat zone in the field. Let the record show that the first opposing player chatted up on defense was Cameron Maybin in the 1st, the first while standing on base was Dan Uggla in the 3rd, and Fat Elvis did not see his shadow.

The Fish struck first on a barrage of singles to open the game, plating two in the 1st. The Good Guys got one back in the bottom half, with Bourn walking, thieving his way around the diamond, and scoring on a slow Puma groundout to third. Scoring went back and forth all game long, with the Marlins holding a 4-3 lead heading into the bottom of the 7th.

Blum and Bourn both reached with no outs, and Kepp moved them into scoring position with a sac bunt. Twinkie plated Blum with the tying run on a sharp grounder to second, before the inning ended on a Flapjack pop-up. In the 8th, Thunderpants doubled to left, then moved to third on a Feliz single. Kaz broke the tie with a damn fine sac bunt down the first base line, after showing bunt on the previous pitch. Michaels came in to pinch hit in the next at-bat, and crushed a smokey to deep left, extending the lead to 7-4 and providing the crucial cushion.

Lindstrom came in to seal it, and notched his third save in three games, after allowing one run on a couple of singles and a wild pitch. Lyon picked up the win with a perfect 8th, leaving Myers with a no-decision after seven pretty decent innings of not punching anyone in the face. The ‘Stros have now won 4 of 5, and are clearly bound for the postseason. The presumptive victory tour continues tonight with Bud Norris squaring off agin Josh Johnson at 7:05, in which Carlos Lee drives in three runs because I said so that’s why.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Astros 2
Braves 1

W: Valverde (4-2) | L: Soriano (1-5)

Astros.com Recap
Videos from the game
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GameZone

Just as the age and decline talk began, Twinkie and Tejada cued up the Hulkster’s intro music and initiated Operation Furious Clutch Comeback Montage Sequence. Feel free to leave that playing in the background.

Eny and Tommy Hanson got their horns locked in an old-fashioned NL pitchers’ duel for the bulk of this one, before The Most Interesting Pitcher in the World left to ice a tired shoulder with crisp, refreshing Dos Equis after seven strong. The Fucking Braves scratched out their lone run on three total hits, using a walk, groundout and single in the second to nick Wandy. The Good Guys eked out five hits in eight innings against Hanson – who is a fucking witch – but Wandy was the only player to get as far as third base (NTTAWWT). While there, he passed the time by winning a staring contest against a statue, and wrestling a bear with his hands cuffed to his belt.

Down 1-0 in the bottom of the ninth, the ‘Stros faced off against Soriano, with Kaz getting the rally started with a one-out single to right. Fat Elvis stepped in and smacked a double to left, almost before JD could wax prophetic about him hitting a walk-off jack. Close enough. Miggy followed with a bounder up the middle that caused significant tailpipe-puckering, due to its resemblance to a sure double play comebacker. Somehow, the ball managed to elude every glove in the infield by inches as it bounced its way directly over 2B and into center for the win, scoring Kaz and Berkman easily.

Big props in this one go to the gang of kids who cared enough to a) be there at all, in full team regalia no less, b) engage rally caps and c) celebrate the win like it was the NL pennant. I am inspired by their passion and utter naivety, and hereby pledge to dispense with my cynicism until at least the 3rd inning of today’s game. Thanks, gents.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Astros 2
Cards 3

W: Pineiro (13-9) | L: Oswalt (7-5) | S: Franklin (34)

Astros.com Recap
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GameZone

Roy’s right. The fire’s not there right now. You get paid good money* to go out and do your job, and it’s not getting done. For fuck’s sake, I only just now bothered to remember that I’m supposed to write a recap once a week. Inexcusable lack of effort. I’d like to apologize to my teammates at SnS, my fans**, and most of all, to Sparky.

If we all showed the same passion that he displayed in allowing three runs on four hits in the 1st inning yesterday, maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess. But that’s what leaders do – they immediately get in a hole that forces the offense to press, barely escape having three signature blow-up innings in one game, and lay the blame right where it belongs: everywhere else.

When you point the finger at someone, three fingers point back... right at that other useless asshole behind you who didn't do a fucking thing to help bail you out.

Lazy-assed lazy-ass photoshopping
You know the malaise has fully set in when I can’t even be troubled to lean on the easy crutch of photoshop to get through another recap. Instead, I’m taking uninspired to a whole new level, and just linking to the last time that I used a lazy-ass photoshop as a crutch. Nobody read the fucking thing anyway, so I should be in good shape.

On the ol’ jukebox
This brief writing seesion was penned to Jawbreaker’s Unfun, which was coincidental, but appropriate.

Better things
Better than reading about losing to the Turdinals and bitching? Two minutes and forty-one seconds of non-stop faceplants. You’re welcome.

Footnotes
* By “you”, I mean “I”. And by “good money”, I of course mean “rubgirls”.  back^
** Hi Mom!  back^

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Astros 6
Fish 3

W: Gervacio (1-0) | L: West (4-5) | S: Valverde (17)

Astros.com Recap
Videos from the game
AP! Recap! On Yahoo!
GameZone

The Good Guys won last night, so there’s that. Michael Bourn was absolutely everywhere again – hitting, sliding, leaping and stealing… our hearts.

So dreamy...

Staked with 4 runs from the offense, Bazardo had a decent start, giving up just 2 runs in what should have been at least 5 innings of work. Unfortunately, Kaz muffed the turn on an inning-ending double play in the top of the 5th, throwing a wrench in the works. With 2 on, 2 outs and a 2-run lead, Coop obviously needed to manage this one like game 7 of the World Series, using not one but two relievers to get the last out, then switching to a third to start the next inning. But again, the Astros ultimately won, so it’s fine.

Cheer up, MFers, you had Monday off

The official scorer took pity on Gervacio’s plight, awarding him his first big league win in spite of throwing just 5 pitches. Congrats to Sammy, and here’s hoping that Bazardo can snag his first Astros W next time out. With Hampton disintegrating before our eyes, it looks like Yorman will at least get a few more chances. Or he’ll be throwing out of the pen tonight, one or the other.

Doesn't have a problem with that

Wednesday, Auguest 12, 2009

Astros 14
Fish 6

W: Norris (3-0) | L: Nolasco (8-8)

Astros.com Recap

You know what happens when I can’t get started on a recap until after lunch, and have no desire to type out the minutiae of 20 runs crossing the plate? That’s right, MFers… lazy-ass photoshopping!

Beaker broke out the whoopin' stick, driving in 6 on a pair of 3-run smokies.

Twinkie returned from his sabbatical at the Furry convention, driving in 2 on a couple of doubles, and reaching safely 4 times.

Flapjack got in on the beatdown, driving in 3 on 3 hits.

And Hawk was back in action, sealing it with a perfect 9th.

The end.

Wednesday, Auguest 5, 2009

Astros 6
Giants 10

MLB.com Recap

Sorry, back problems. Terrible pain. Here’s your recap: Astros lost.

Play Moehler off, Keyboard Coop:

“Definitely a disappointing day,” Houston manager Cecil Cooper said. “We could have used a gritty seven innings, but we didn’t get it. I thought Moehler threw the ball OK early in the ballgame but in the sixth couldn’t make a pitch. We needed him to kind of pitch out of that sixth-inning jam, and he really couldn’t make a pitch there. He was throwing [Whiteside] a sinker to get him to roll over, and it didn’t sink. That kind of costs us.”