Cards 9, Astros 5

Contributed by Reuben

While perusing the boxscore for Tuesday’s game, I was momentarily struck by Bud Norris’ batting average: .250. “Hilarious,” I thought, “Bud probably has one of the highest averages on the whole team.” It took me a few minutes to realize that Bud hasn’t had many opportunities to bat this year (FYB), and sure enough, he is 1-for-4 on the year, but still: only 3 hitters who appeared in this game for the Astros had a higher average – Martinez, .255, Castro, .267, and Altuve, .282.

Meanwhile, the only position player in the Cards’ starting lineup below .250 is their #8 hitter, CF Jon Jay, .247. They actually have 4 guys over .300, including league-leader Necktat Molina at .344; in fact, 3 of the top 4 in NL batting average are Cardinals. And that doesn’t even include some guy on their bench named Matt Adams, who is hitting .316 with a .579 slugging percentage in 114 at-bats.

Yes, I still hate the Cardinals. I hate them and I want to see them fail, lose the division to the Pirates, get stomped by the Astros, all that stuff. But at least, when they (unsurprisingly) stomp the Astros instead, and put their powerhouse offense on display like they did Tuesday night, at least then I can look over their roster and go, “Wow, this guy Luhnow drafted turned out to be really good”… over and over again.

Allen Craig, who’s 2nd in the NL with 71 RBI, 3rd in BA at .329? Drafted by Luhnow in the 8th round out of UC Berkeley. All-Star 2B Matt Carpenter, batting .322 and leading the league in Runs and Doubles? Drafted by Luhnow in the 13th round out of TCU. Matt Adams, who presumably would be starting on many other teams? Luhnow took him in the 22nd round out of Slippery Rock University of Pennsylvania.

Last night the Cards brought in this lefty reliever, Siegfrist or something, guy has a 0.00 ERA in his first 12 games in the majors. Throwing 95 mph gas, blew Wallace and Castro away easily. Drafted by Luhnow in the 41st round out of Palm Beach Community College. Jamie Garcia, Lance Lynn, Trevor Rosenthal, Shelby Miller, Daniel Descalso… all drafted while Luhnow was overseeing the St. Louis drafts.

So, while it is miserable on one level to see the Fucking Jakes, the Shitbirds, the Co-ards doing so well and trampling Bud Norris’ trade value in the process, perhaps in Allen Craig we are seeing the future of Preston Tucker, or Conrad Gregor. Maybe Travis Ballew is the future Trevor Rosenthal. Maybe Luhnow and his science-y guys developed some way of analyzing hair samples or a player’s breakfast cereal preferences to determine who will add 4 mph to their fastball after college, or learn to lay off sliders in the dirt better, or whatever. Let’s hope so.

But in the meantime, I’m hoping for some more Wodan’s Day Astro Magic.

Rangers 5, Astros 4

W: Burns (1-0)
L: Bedard (3-5)

The Astros lost another interminably long AL messterpiece yesterday, squandering numerous opportunities along the way. “We had some chances offensively, we just weren’t able to come up with the big hit,” Porter said after Houston was 1 for 7 with runners in scoring position.

That was part of the reason but far from all of it, as the desperate Astros turned two hit-and-run plays into strikeout/throwout double plays to end innings. Altuve committed an error on a routine play in the fifth, letting Kinsler on so he later could score the winning run.

The Rangers were careless and nonchalant throughout, never burying Houston but seemingly confident that they’d win regardless of their lackadaisical play and casual errors. This turned out to be true, which stings all the more.

Krauss did get his first home run, a two-run shot in the second. Bedard pitched well after a shaky start, lasting 6 1/3 and only allowing five hits. Adding five walks made it much less productive, but in the AL most games are like beer league softball and the pinballesque scoring has a different meaning.

Astros 9
stRangers 5

contributed by Mr. Happy

One of the many benefits of writing for SnS is the tremendous latitude that the editors give you. As a published author of three non-fiction books who routinely squabbles with editors, I can’t even begin to tell you how fucking refreshing this is. If you’re actually looking for an account of tonight’s ball game, you’ll have to go elsewhere (actually, the actual game account is at the end of this piece). Tonight, the recap is the game as I dreamt it to be. Yep. You guessed it. The non-fiction writer has stepped off of terra firma and into the wacky world of fiction. It’s such a fictitious account that I am writing it before the game even starts. Fuck the Old Man’s stRangers!!! Let’s get started.

According to the crawl line that ran on the MLB Network all afternoon as I took my Saturday afternoon siesta, Yu Darvish has been a tough hombre this season, piling up 151 Ks in 113.1 innings. However, he looked pretty pedestrian in the top of the first inning. The Piranha greeted Darvish with a double off of the wall that almost left the yard on pitch number one. Brett Wallace followed by working the count full before launching a tape measure tater to left field, giving the Good Guys an immediate 2-0 lead.

Jason Castro the All-Star Astro worked back from an 0-2 count to coax a free pass, which brought cleanup hitter Carlos Pena to the dish. Darvish made a number of really nasty pitches to Pena that the latter just managed to spoil before singling sharply past the shift, sending Castro to 2B, bringing Mark Krauss to the plate. Before you could say “slap yo mama,” HPU Cory Blaser took his mask off, pointed toward the front row of the stands and ran the Old Man for taunting his ball-and-strike calls early on. Ryan’s own security guards had to escort him out of the yard. I smiled with delight.

Meanwhile, back at the game, Krauss found a Darvish offering to his liking and pulled a ball down the right field line for a two bagger, plating Castro, but Trembley held the speedy Pena at 3B. This brought the erratic Jimmy Paredes to the plate. No way he gets a hit, I say to myself. Way. Paredes singles sharply to left CF, scoring both Pena and Krauss. Five runs in. Nobody out. The front-running shlong-gorvelling stRanger fan base had been silenced, which pleased me to no end. However, the Astros weren’t finished. Brandon Barnes homered to CF, scoring Paredes in front of him, putting the Astros up by a touchdown with no one out yet, and then Matt Dominguez went back-to-back, sending the Astros faithful into elysian bliss. Jake Elmore then singled, bringing Mike Maddux, who has little constructive to say to Darvish, out of the dugout as the stRangers bully got busy. Back to the top of the order, the Piranha…

I then woke up from this marvelous dream, just in time to catch the real game. The Astros broke a scoreless game in the top of the fourth frame when Brandon Barnes launched a two run bomb. The Good Guys doubled the lead in the fifth inning on a two run single by Mark Krauss, who had three hits on the night. Dallas Keuchel pitched very well until the bottom of the sixth inning, when the stRangers chased Keuchel and plated four, three on a bomb by Geovani Soto off of Wesley Wright to knot the game at four. However, the Astros weren’t through scoring, as Castro the Astro went yard on a three run shot to spring the Good Guys to a 7-4 lead, which emptied the stadium, as all of the front-running crybabies departed when their team was losing. Poor babies. The Astros topped off the scoring with a two run home run from Jake Elmore. Travis Blackley tossed 1.1 innings of scoreless baseball for the win, and Jose Veras finished the game with a scoreless ninth inning, sending the ten stRangers fans who had stayed to the bitter end home unhappy, as it should be.

All-star Castro the Astro threw out Ian Kinsler twice trying to steal tonight, in addition to his three run homer. You fuckers owe me tonight. I sat both the Piranha and Castro in fantasy league baseball tonight.

TEXAS 10
Houston 5

contributed by NeilT

I’ve been pretty busy since I was down in Houston for the NRA convention, so I haven’t had a chance to check in lately. And my baseball team, the Texas team, hasn’t played the Houston team in awhile.

Y’all have probably heard what happened in Austin, where a bunch of Astros fans took over the Capitol under Lite Governor Dewhickey’s watch. I swear I spend half my time bailin’ that boy out of trouble. First he hands that Cruz fellow a platform to steal my conservative presidential thunder, and now he’s turned that little blonde hussy into some sort of national phenomenon. Somebody said she even had a better head of hair than yours truly. I had to go and call another special session and I’ve got better stuff to do. It’s like Anita always tells me, if you’re goin’ to use a hammer, don’t use it on your thumb.

I knew that mob-rule bunch was Astros fans ‘cause they were all wearin’ orange. As any good Aggie knows, it’s a left-wing liberal color. Just look at the name of this website: Orange Whoopass. What kind of liberal left-wing name is that? Anytime you see a bunch of orange, whether it’s teasips or Astros fans or women who want to boss you around instead of shavin’ their legs—and just to be clear none of those are mutually exclusive—you know what you’ve got. I hear even soccer fans in Houston wear orange. ‘Nuff said. We here in Texas will never bend over to the social and economic agenda of Western Europe, or of Houston.

What do you get when you mix the colors of the Texas team? That’s right, red and blue make maroon. That ain’t coincidental. That’s why with me in charge we have a balanced budget and a surplus, and why the Houston team lost again to the Texas team. Yippee-ki-yi-yay!

Let’s see now, I’m supposed to tell you something about the baseball game. The Houston’s pitcher Harrell gave up 7 earned runs, and threw more balls than strikes. I suspect he’s a Democrat, ‘cause they’re always giving stuff away. He gave up 9 runs total, so two of those runs must have been sparkling defense. Oberholtzer, whoever that is, gave up another earned run, so he’s probably a Democrat too. Castro—‘nuff said—had three hits on four plate appearances. Carter—‘nuff said—had a hit, a walk, and two strike outs.

Now y’all be payin’ attention on Monday, ‘cause I’ll tell you what my plans are, just as soon as Anita tells me. I’ve been thinkin’ about announcin’ for Governor again—wouldn’t that make ol’ Abbott hotter’n a two dollar pistol—but I’m guessin’ Anita’s gonna nix that. Of course everyone knows I’m Presidential material, but I really think I’ll announce that I’ll be the new president of the NRA. That’s even more powerful than President, there are no pesky debates where you get caught on the technicalities, and it pays better. Plus you get to shoot coyotes. Seems like the perfect gig to me.

What’s that baseball commissioner job pay? My bud Bud says he always gets to mess with Houston, and he must be at least a hundred. Somebody’s gotta do that job when he’s gone.

See y’all Monday!

Rays 7 Astros 5

contributed by Mr. Happy

If you’d have told me that Jordan Lyles pitched into the seventh inning and that Brett Wallace went yard twice, I’d have put a W on the board without even flinching or bothering to look at the scoreboard. However, I would have been dead wrong. I have to hand it to the Astros for battling back. from being down 5-2 late to tieing it at 5 on Brett Wallace’s second home run of the game, a three run shot that bookended his earlier oppo solo shot. Wallace, who flawlessly manned the hot corner today, went 3-5 and drove home four runs to raise his BA to .173. Since his return from OkC, Wallace is hitting .296 with three dongs and nine RBI’s in nine games.

Lyles had enough command to stay into the seventh inning, striking out three and issuing three free passes, throwing 98 pitches, 57 for strikes, which is not a very good ratio. Ironically, it was a wild pitch, another one that in my opinion Castro should have blocked and kept in front of him, that allowed the tying run to score, chasing Lyles in favor of Travis Blackley, who retired the lone hitter he faced.

Unfortunately, Jose Cisnero didn’t bring his A game to the bump today, allowing the Rays to score three runs to take a 5-2 lead. However, in Cisnero’s defense, it was Ronnie Cedeno’s poor decision on failing to throw the ball to 1B and lack of adequate defense that allowed a run to score and extend the inning in the first place. Nevertheless, the Astros roared back and tied the game on Wallace’s third home run, which he actually pulled for once.

The game went to extras, a free baseball bonus on our nation’s birthday. In the eleventh inning, everything went to shit for the Astros, and again, Jason Castro’s defense (or, better said, lack of it) was the culprit, allowing one run to score in little league fashion from third base, on a wild pitch that Castro exhibited poor blocking technique, failing to keep the ball out in front of him.

All in all, the pitching staff’s numbers today were worse than they should have been, again because of some poor defense in failing to make plays that big league players usually make. However, the six free passes were a bit too much. The hitters struck out 11 times, which has been par for the course this season. However, the hitters drew eight walks, doing a pretty good job of stretching out some long at-bats, which hasn’t been the case very often this season.

The GameZone was a bit sparse today, as most of you were probably celebrating the holiday. However, during the game, the GameZone is the place to be.