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  • 2013 (Page 10)

Astros @ Blue Jays Series Preview

Posted on July 25, 2013 by Ebby Calvin in Featured, Series Previews

The Vodka Queen who lived at the top of the hill smiled little for an old lady.  It wasn’t that she was unpleasant or rude, but she’d make you work for that first smile of the day.  And the smile was worth it.  She smiled with her eyes and her mouth, her cheeks puffed out to form sunburned islets that passed the waves of wrinkles from one to the other.  How often you got the smile depended largely on your age and what you’d been up to.

Her hands contorted inward, as if through time they decided to serve only two purposes – to hold a pencil and to hold a highball glass.  Her knuckles creaked and popped when taken out of their resting positions; brittle oak branches wrapped loosely with a sheer film of skin that dangled the way arm fat does in a Walmart queue.

She dressed inappropriately for someone of her advanced age, in that she wore blouses and pants instead of sleeping garments and orthopedics.  You could say she was too proud to dress informally, but pride had nothing to do with it.  She just didn’t want anybody to think she was disrespectful of their attention.  And the Vodka Queen got a lot of attention.

The sky deferred to her, it seemed.  Deep blue hues would melt away at their first sight of her, yielding to yellow, then nothing but the clearest blue you’ve ever seen.  Pinks and oranges and purples would celebrate the first Wawona of the day, eventually tiring as she made her way inside for the evening.

The sky turned grey the day she died.  It cried at her funeral.

Then she came back.

***

Astros @ Blue Jays

Thursday, July 25 – 6:07pm

Bedard (3-7) vs Buehrle (5-7)

Friday, July 26 – 6:07pm

Lyles (4-4) vs Dickey (8-11)

Saturday, July 27 – 12:07pm

Keuchel (4-5) vs Johnson (1-6)

Sunday, July 28 – 12:05pm

Cosart (1-0) vs Redmond (1-1)

***

I hadn’t been to the neighborhood since her funeral, but I was in town for business and had the day off.  I parked on Highland Ave, not far from the walk-street, and watched the waves for a long time.  This was the beach of my childhood – Galveston and Bolivar were closer, sure, but I went there to fish.  I came to Manhattan Beach to play.

I turned down 4th Street and dodged parked and passing cars until the lanes ended at a series of thick concrete posts, each about waist-high.  I remember climbing atop these to get a better view of the ocean in my youth, when they seemed to tower above all else.  Now they only served as a barrier for oncoming traffic, which kept the walk-street clean and, more importantly, safe for families.

If you walked the length of the block you’d see decades-old bungalows giving way to multi-tiered mansions – each clamoring to rise above next to achieve a better view of the water.  This proved difficult in many cases, as the hill sharply descended from one end to the other.  Dozens of feaux-Tuscan  skyscrapers now sprouted from the surface, like weeds through cracks in a driveway – new, ugly and completely out of place.

I didn’t have to go far, though, before I found the Vodka Queen’s house.  Her two daughters kept the place in the family, opting to keep a link to the past instead of selling to another stucco enthusiast.  So there it sat, quiet, clean and unchanged.  But not lifeless, I thought.  I pondered going inside.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply.  The ocean responded in kind, with an exhale that carried a fresh salty breeze over the surface of the beach, up the hill and past the pink roses that still bloomed in front of me.  The combination of smells dropped my shoulders, fluttered my eyelids and seeped into my skin.  I sighed and continued the conversation.

A voice snapped me out of serenity and beckoned me over.

I hadn’t seen Marsha since that rainy day six years ago, and we embraced like family.  Years of sun and toil scrunched her face to something altogether unrecognizable, like rings of ripples without a splash, but I knew her voice and, of course, knew where she lived.  I took a seat on her patio.

Another benefit of a walk-street is that everybody had a patio on their front porch and, it being southern California, the weather always cooperated.  So if you were, say, retired and had nothing better to do, you’d sit on your patio all day.  Because of this, the neighborhood became a community, and the community became a family.

Marsha had gone inside to grab us refreshments, and I took the time to stare at the Vodka Queen’s patio next door.  My eyes strained to find some movement, some ghostly sign of the afterlife, not knowing what I would ever do if I succeeded.  Nothing.

Marsha came out with two highball glasses in her hands – Wawonas.  The drink was named after a hotel outside of Yosemite’s valley where the Vodka Queen spent her summers with her daughters and grandchildren.  It was a simple mixture – vodka and pink lemonade – but it tasted clean and crisp and packed a punch.  It probably carries another name in the bartending world, but in this world, on this street, in this family, it was called a Wawona.

I knew why she brought them out.  “Is she really still here?” I asked.

“Of course she is.  She was standing next to you just a moment ago.”

***

Injury Report

Blue Jays

JA Happ – Yeuk

Drew Hutchison – Botanophobia

Brandon Morrow – Jumping Frenchmen of Maine

Ramon Ortiz – Water-Elf Disease

Luis Perez – Galactorrhea

Sergio Santos – Witzelsucht

Astros

Trevor Crowe – right shoulder

Edgar Gonzalez – right shoulder

Alex White – Yep.  Still out.

***

The afternoon filled with neighbors coming by to say hi and catch up on old times.  They’d ask about my mother, ask about my kids, ask about my cousins.  Age isn’t kind to those who spend their days outside, but what weakens the outside only strengthens the inside.  They were genuinely happy to see me and genuinely interested in our conversations.

I kept searching for the Vodka Queen.  I’ve always been afraid of ghosts, just the mere thought of someone – something – watching me without my knowledge creeps me out.  That they had died and lingered only exacerbated the feeling.  But I wanted to see her again.  Needed to.

I asked Marsha, my impromptu guide to all things paranormal, what to look for.  “You’ll know it when you see her,” was all I’d get in response, and I began to entertain ideas about entering the house.  But the Wawonas were sinking in and it was nice outside, so I put it off and tried to enjoy myself.

***

Promotions

Sunday – MR. SUB Cooler Bag to the first 20,000.  Don’t know if it carries over to the next game.

***

The rest of the day carried on in normal fashion.  People came and went, a mother and son walked past us on the way to the beach, a seagull alighted on a lamppost and watched us.  Life continued without asking permission or asking forgiveness.  For the first time I felt the pull of responsibility, like a toddler tugging at my sleeve to get up and go back to the hotel.

Six years ago I came to grips with the fact that I would never see the Vodka Queen again, and once again I felt the familiar stabbing grief.  I wouldn’t – couldn’t – see the ghost today.  It was an outlandish idea anyway.  I believed it only because I wanted to believe it and these poor people were doing just the same.  And besides, even if it was true, I sure as hell wasn’t going in that house at night.

I stood up and thanked Marsha for the drinks and the relaxing afternoon.  The hours were waning and the sun was beginning to duck behind the Pacific.  She looked at me with pity.

“You still can’t see her, can you?” she asked.

“I’m sorry, I can’t.  I’ve been looking all over, looking for something that doesn’t belong in this world, looking for some sort of supernatural sign, and I’ve got nothing.”

“Look again,” she said, “and tell me what you see.”

I sighed.  “I see you.  I see the Vodka Queen’s house.  I see Marv and Shirley sitting on their patio.  Sally and Jack, too.  And there’s Peter, over there is Cassidy and Heather.  Brady is just coming up from the beach.  I don’t know the people down the street, but they’re out, too.  Someone’s cocker spaniel is loose.  The sun is setting.  Are you getting all of this?”

“Are you?”

“Clearly I am!” I said.

“No you’re not.  You’re looking for something supernatural.  You’re looking for something that doesn’t belong.  You’re looking for something that isn’t.  Look at all of these people.  Look at that seagull.  Look at the sunset.  Look inside yourself.  The Vodka Queen, as you call her, is what drew us together in the first place.  She was the constant – she was the rock.  In this family of neighbors, she was our grandmother.  We all see her.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled again.  Then I opened my eyes, for the first time all day, and saw my Grandma Pat.

She was here.  And she was smiling.

 

Walk-Off F*ck-Up

Posted on July 24, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 5, A’s 4

W: Fields (1-1)
L: Balfour (0-2)

Contributed by Reuben

After trying and trying, in what must have seemed like a very obvious, suspicious way, to give away Monday’s game, the A’s finally managed to let the Astros win Tuesday night in front of 32,249…waitaminute, can that be right? The Astros got over 30,000 people to come to one of their baseball games? And 60% of the ticket-buyers weren’t Yankee, Red Sox, or Rangers fans? WTF? What’s going on here… do these fans actually know who Cosart and Villar are, and care about what they symbolize, the new wave of legitimate young talent that they herald? Or are there just waaayyy more Bay Area transplants in the Houston metro area than I ever thought?

Well, whatever their reason for coming, I envy the fans who were there, because they got to see a great game, albeit one replete with slap-dickery on the part of the Oakland squad. For the 2nd straight game, the A’s, perhaps feeling some pity for their whipping boys the Astros, committed 3 errors and this time the Astros actually capitalized. The first one was a hilarious, physics-defying throw by A’s starter Jarrod Parker, where, having fielded a dribbler about 10 feet from first base, he somehow managed to shot-put the ball 12 feet over the head of the first baseman, allowing Brandon Barnes to scamper to 2nd, from whence he would score after multiple sacrifices (bunt by Villar, fly by Altuve).

At the time, Altuve’s sac fly knotted the game at 2 and it would remain thus until the 8th inning when Jose Cisnero, who apparently won the coin flip to be the setup man for the evening, hit Josh Donaldson with an inside fastball with 2 outs and nobody on. The painful-looking HBP set the stage for another massive go-ahead 2-run homer by another A’s lefty batter with a poor batting average – in this instance, Brandon Moss. At the time, it felt about 99% certain that the game was over, especially once the A’s brought in the invincible-looking Sean Doolittle to blow the Houston hitters away in the bottom of the 8th.

But before we get to the 9th, I should stress how impressive Jarred Cosart was in this game. The kid didn’t have pinpoint control, especially early on, and he got himself into some jams but he was incredibly poised and tenacious – ok, fine, fucking gritty – in getting out of them, inducing 3 double plays among several other key outs. He wound up stretching it out to 115 pitches to get through the 7th, striking out Astro-killah Coco Crisp in a lengthy at-bat with a man on 2nd to end that frame.

So in the 9th, facing Perfect Closer Grant Balfour, who looks like he’d sooner smash his whiskey bottle on the bar and stab you with it than allow you to reach base against him, the Astros staged their improbable comeback. Maxwell reached on an infield single, Balfour threw the ball away, allowing Maxwell to get to 2nd. That didn’t matter, though, when Dominguez homered – which, by the way, gave him a team-leading 50 RBI (fingers crossed, the Astros will wind up with at least one player with more than the 55 RBI that, embarrassingly, JD Martinez led the team with last year). After that, Krauss ripped a ball to the RF corner that was run down by the Hipster Hobo himself, Josh Reddick. Villar then lined a nice double the opposite way, giving him 3 hits and 2 doubles on the night. At this point, it actually…started to feel like the Astros were going to win. Balfour was clearly so pissed that he couldn’t see straight, Altuve was up, and it just seemed like something was going to happen.

Then, after he walked, Altuve almost did make something happen, something bad and really stupid. Representing a totally meaningless run, Jose bolted for 2nd when Balfour’s pitch to Castro bounced in the dirt, realizing too late that Villar was returning to 2nd. With Altuve hung up and an easy 2nd out in front of him, A’s catcher Derek Norris – who had entered the game as a defensive replacement – threw wild to Moss, who, honestly, made a lame effort to dig the ball out of the dirt; the ball trickled into short right field, and Moss’s throw home was not in time to get Villar, who stumbled into a head-first dive to score the winning walk-off run. In other words, it was the kind of play you expect to happen to the Astros, not for them. But we’ll take it, by the BBG’s, we’ll take it.

It was a hot one.

Posted on July 23, 2013 by BudGirl in Featured, Game Recaps, News

A’s 4, Astros 3
W:Cook (3-2) L:Wright (0-4) SV:Balfour (26)

recap

Oakland tried to help the Astros win one from them, they had three errors in this game and gave the Astros a 3-run lead.
Keuchel left the game with a 3-1 lead after six innings, he did pretty well on the night. Not surprisingly, to me, the bullpen gave the team the loss.

The Astros were hitless over the last five innings, which didn’t help the bullpen. I think they need about an average of 5 runs to maybe not be able to blow a game.

The Astros have not won a game since July 12, when Cosart started in Tampa Bay. Yeah, it may not be as bad as it sounds since there was the All-Star break in that time, but for the month of July the Astros are 3-13. That is pretty fucking bad.

In good news:

I mentioned a while back that I wanted to share something positive to counter all the bad the Astros do, to lift my spirits. In honor of the series previews and the sharing there, I thought I would share just a little bit about one girls’ night out I had when I was 28. Was a FUN night, I won’t share all the details but I hope it is enough.

He told me we were going to fuck standing up. I thought Holy Shit. “Put your hands above your head.” I obliged and realized this is beyond fascinating, beyond erotic. It’s singularly the most exciting and scary thing I’ve ever done. I trusted myself to a beautiful man, who by his own admission, is fucked up. I suppressed the brief thrill of fear, after all my friends knew I left the bar with this man. He smelled of body wash and Brad, an inebriating mix. I wanted to run my nose and tongue through his smattering of chest hair.

He stepped back and gazed at me, his expression hooded. Salacious, carnal and I’m helpless, my hands tied, but looking at his beautiful face, reading his need and longing for me, I can feel the dampness between my legs.

He hooked his fingers into my panties and peeled them down my legs, he stripped me agonizingly slowly, so that he ended up kneeling in front of me. Not taking his eyes off mine, he scrunched my panties in his hand, held them up to his nose, and inhaled deeply.

I thought to myself, “Holy fuck, did he just do that?” He did, and then put them in his pocket. He stood up and had a riding crop in his hand. Where the fuck did that come from I wondered? He leisurely circled my navel and I got goose bumps. The second time around his flicked the crop and hit me underneath my behind, against my woman area. Shock ran through me, and it’s fucking hot.

And next Monday I plan to report on the Hooks v. Missions game. I’ll be going to games 1 & 2 of that series. Have a great week everyone.

River Deep, Mountain High

Posted on July 21, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Seattle 12, Houston 5

W: Hernandez (11-4)
L: Lyles (4-4)

Houston continues to be the team that puts the mental in fundamentals, as a lack of command on the mound and hapless play in the field led to a 12-5 carpetbombing of our brave, plucky lads on Sunday.

I don’t know how Houston got the last four. I know it was in the last inning, but it’s not worth anyone’s time to look it up and see what form Seattle’s pulling off of the accelerator took. This was a first-class chain-whipping from early on. Lyles couldn’t command his fastball, but after missing for walks he was able to get double-play balls that were muffed right and left. One of these led to a grand slam that put Houston under the mudslide and the rest of the way was just marking time. Dead man walking.

Granted a paid reprieve from this Traveling Horseshit Show were Cedeno and Pena, DFA’d after the game. Both were quoted as being stunned, and the clubhouse was subdued and somber. I guess the kids needed to learn that being a good clubhouse guy will only get you so many trips to the bank and rides on charters. Both of those guys might be terrific people, but they sucked between the lines and the lesson needs to be learned: you suck, and you’re gone. There’s plenty of grocery baggers, landscapers and delivery guys who can play as well as this team is playing over the last month.

Those Post-ASB Last Minute Series Preview Blues – A’s @ Astros Series Preview

Posted on July 21, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Series Previews

contributed by Mr. Happy

7/22 7:10 p.m. CDT Dallas Keuchel (LHP 4-5 4.62) v. Tommy Milone (LHP 8-8 4.24)
7/23 7:10 p.m. CDT Jarred Cosart (RHP 1-0 0.00) v. Jarrod Parker (RHP 6-6 3.95)
7/24 1:10 p.m. CDT Bud Norris (RHP 6-9 3.91) v. A.J. Griffin (RHP 8-7 3.82)

Nothin’ from nothin’ leaves nothin’
You gotta have somethin’
If you wanna be with me

Dark Star gave me this assignment about six weeks ago, so I have been eagerly awaiting the pitching matchups to be announced. Sadly and inexplicably, both teams waited until the last fucking minute to release the names of their series probables, which complicated and significantly raised the difficulty level of the job of yours truly. But I rose to the occasion, all for the good of the SnS order.

Sphinx Drummond suggested that as long as I wrote about all the drugs that I used and girls that I boned, you all could fill in the rest. However, I wanted to rant about a few other things, so drunken, drugged out fuck stories will have to wait until next time. Well, maybe I’ll regale you with one such story, but that’ll depend upon how I feel at the end.

First, a few choice words about the shittiest home venue in MLB: the Colishiteum (no, I will not pimp the name of the name sponsor du jour of that dump — if I was in upper management of the sponsor, I’d strongly consider ceasing the association of my company with such an eyesore — as if the sponsor was anything special-it’s just a fucking letter in the alphabet–BFD). Having lived in the Bay Area for several years, I had frequent occasion to traipse across the bay and take in many games both in SFO and OAK. The two yards couldn’t be any more different if you tried.

AT&T Park (yeah, I’ll pimp them because the yard is great, and they’re the official cellular, phone and internet service provider for the Happy family) is one of the finest yards in the Show. We used to take the ferry across the bay from Vallejo to the Embarcadero and walk down to the yard, by-passing the traffic snarls and SFO parking robber barons, who can go fuck themsleves. 24/7.

Don’t even get me started about having to pay for parking, which offends me each and every time I am forced to do so. Chuck will quickly point out that I am a hayseed neck from the country, but I didn’t pay for parking until I was in my early 20’s. The first time that I was told that I had to put money in the meter in New Orleans, I told the meter to fuck off and went about my merry way.

Of course, there was a parking ticket on my windshield when I returned to my vehicle. This royally pissed me off. I found the meter maid and, essentially foaming at the mouth, expressed indignation and threw expletives at her like they were free samples at Costco. I literally bitched her up one street and down the other, finally eating the ticket in front of her. Those were the days!

The AlDaviseum is a football stadium. End of story. However, baseball history has been made there, as greats from Catfish Hunter to Mr. October to Blue Moon Odom to Bert Campaneris to Vida Blue plied their craft to great success there under the watchful eye of one Charles O. “Charlie” Finley, the colorful former owner of the team, now deceased. That place has no feel, no culture associated with it. It lacks the joie de vive that I find associated with most big league parks, even the dump that is Wrigley Field. It’s just, well, the Dumpaseum.

But this series will be played at MMPUS, and most of you will not be able to watch it unless you have the MLB Extra Innings package. In the season series, the Astros are o-fer against the Athletics, as in 0-9. Swept thrice, twice in April and once in May, the Astros have been outscored 68-31 in the season series through nine games. Harrell (in the dog house for having a bad attitude—that kid needs to grow up) and Norris both have lost twice against the A’s. The ageless (and probably chemically enhanced) Bartolo Colon is 3-0 against the Good Guys. Bartolo Fucking Colon. Thankfully for us, we will miss Colon this time because he pitched on Sunday.

Collectively, the Athletics are hitting .301 with 13 bombs and 65 ribbies in nine games against the Astros this season. Conversely, the A’s pitching has held the Astros to a .248 BAA, although they have allowed the Astros ten long balls. Meanwhile, Astros pitching has limped to a 0-9 7.15 with a pathetic 1.821 WHIP against the A’s, allowing 96 hits and 62 earnies in 78 innings, which, well, isn’t good.

Pitching Matchups

We have dueling portsiders in the series opener. Dallas Keuchel, who is Monday’s Astros starting pitcher, is 0-1 5.25 in 12 innings over three appearances against the Athletics, one of which was a start, pitching to a BAA of .327 and a WHIP of 1.417 against the Athletics this season. The A’s are hitting .333 (17-51) against Keuchel for his career. As expected, several A’s see Keuchel pretty well. Nate Freiman (2-3 with a tater), Yoenis Cespedes (3-4), Seth Smith (3-6 with a bomb) and Coco Crisp (2-5) have had success against Keuchel.

The A’s starter, portsider Tommy Milone, is 1-0 4.61 against the Astros in two starts this season. J.D. Martinez (3-8) and Matt Dominguez (1-6) have taken Milone deep. Brandon Barnes (2-6), Jose Altuve (3-11) and Ronny “there’s no reason for my being on the roster” Cedeno (2-6) also have had some success against Milone.

The A’s haven’t seen Tuesday’s pitcher, Jarred Cosart, yet. The only Astro with any ABs against Jarrod Parker, Carlos Pena, is 1-5 with a two bagger, a free pass and three strike outs. So we don’t have a fucking clue as to what will happen Tuesday night except that Pena will have a multiple strikeout game and possibly walk once.

Wednesday’s matinee matchup, A.J. Griffin v. Bud Norris, is a study in contrast of results. Griffin is 2-0 4.61 against the Astros, while David Stefan “Bud” Norris is 0-2 11.37 against the A’s this season. Norris has pitched to a horrific BAA of .355 and an astronomical WHIP of 2.368 against the A’s this season. The Astros are hitting .256 (11-43 with three homers) against Griffin. Jason Castro (3-6 with two bombs) and Matt Dominguez (1-4 with a long ball) have taken Griffin deep. The Astros have had some success against Griffin, who has surrendered six earnies in 11.2 innings of work.

Meanwhile, Bud Norris probably is not looking forward to Wednesday’s game. The A’s are hitting .294 (15-51) with four home runs career against Norris. Jed Lowrie (2-3), Seth Smith (3-7), Coco Crisp (1-3) and John Jaso (2-6) have taken Norris deep.

Injury Report

Athletics

LHP Brett Anderson (sprained right ankle, stress fracture in right foot) went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to April 30, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on June 14. He is expected to be back in mid-August.

OF Yoenis Cespedes (left wrist soreness) was a very late scratch, right before game time on July 19 and hasn’t been back in the lineup through Saturday’s game.

2B Scott Sizemore (torn left anterior cruciate ligament) went on the 15-day disabled list April 10, and he was transferred to the 60-day DL on April 22. He had season-ending surgery April 16.

Former Astro RHP Fernando “Angel of Doom” Rodriguez (torn ulnar collateral ligament in right elbow) went on the 60-day disabled list March 23. He had season-ending Tommy John surgery March 25.

Jarrod Parker (hamstring)-day-to-day. He threw a bully session on Friday.

Astros

Chris Carter (ankle) was back in the starting lineup July 19.

OF Trevor Crowe (right shoulder sprain) went on the 15-day disabled list on June 21. There is no timetable for his return.

RHP Edgar Gonzalez (Mr. Happy eye strain) went on the 15-day disabled list retroactive to May 26. There doesn’t seem to be any reason for his return.

RHP Alex White (Tommy John surgery in April 2013) went on the 60-day disabled list March 30. He is out for the season.

Promotions

Coca Cola Value Days for every game. You’ll get nothing and like it.

Series Prognostication

A’s sweep again.

Lagniappe: Obligatory Drugged Out Story

I had to search for a story (a) worth telling, (b) that I remembered, (c) that tied into the series and (d) funny, all at the last minute. So, here goes. No promises that it’ll tie into this series preview. This one goes back to when Xanax (alprazolam) was released in the early 1980’s. I had a girlfriend at the time (who was as into drugs and having fun as I was—she was my pot source—it always helps to date your dealer) who had a prescription for Xanax, which she’d share with me. Plus she dealt it.

I fucking loved Xanax the very first time; I always took them to excess. I liked how whole periods of time would simply fucking disappear or just be displaced in my brain. If you’ve had as much of your life gaps filled in by onlookers as I have because of Xanax, then you’d understand that I consider myself as floating above my body for much of my life. However, this story involved the intersection of Xanax, marijuana and Everclear.

Allie (not her real name) and I took off on a road trip to Florida to go to the beach for a few days of R&R. Armed with a boatload of cash (drug dealing paid very well), sleeping bags, several bottles of Everclear, a bunch of Xanax (and Allie had even stolen some of mom’s Xanax for the trip), a whole pound of some of the best marijuana that I had ever experienced and a map of beach houses that had hot outside showers (but no place to stay), we set off on I-10 eastbound for the Sunshine State.

We almost didn’t make it there because we were pulled over near Biloxi MS for speeding and improper lane changes. Thankfully, Allie (who was driving and rolling joints simultaneously-multi-talented) sweet-talked the state highway patrolman and walked away with a warning and, more importantly, no search of the vehicle.

We arrived at the beach in Pensacola and set up shop there on a remote part of the beach, openly drinking, throwing Xanax back like they were candy, swigging Everclear, smoking big old blunts and fucking in one of the sleeping bags like we owned the place. We had a number of very close calls about the marijuana as there were complaints of pot smoke coming from our direction.

However, Allie, a drop-dead gorgeous southern belle debutante gone bad who would eventually get busted for dealing a few years after we broke up (which was over my drug bill that was eating into her profit) but who was still living a charmed life, simply and professionally sweet-talked each and every investigator. Allie could keep her shit together and pitch from life’s stretch long after I was incoherent.

She would be as fucked up as I was (if not more so—she could clear a bong like nobody’s business) and still be able to hold a conversation with someone—probably all of that deb training. Because of the drugs and alcohol, I really don’t remember how many days we stayed there, although it was long enough for my white ass to start peeling while we were still there.

One of the few things that I actually remember from that trip was my utter and complete embarrassment at being so fucked up that I was physically unable to perform when called upon. Yep. I was on the PUP list. However, at 53, I look back on that experience as training for middle age without the assistance of Viagra or Cialis (which fucking health insurers won’t cover—don’t get me started on those bastards). I’ve learned to never pass up a bathroom.

How does this story tie into the A’s series? It probably doesn’t, unless you use your imagination, because that’s what it will take for the Astros to win a game in it. Come check us out in the GameZone.

GOBs

Posted on July 20, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

ONRs 10
Astros 7

contributed by NeilT

This is the first Friday night this season that the Astros have played Our Natural Rivals, the Mariners, so it’s the first recap I’ve done of a Mariners game. I hate the Mariners, I hate Seattle, and all with good reason. Our long and storied history has produced one of baseball’s great rivalries. Red Sox/Yankees? A blip on the time-line. Cardinals/Cubs? Tain’t nuthin. The Cubs have never been anyone’s rival but their own. Giants/Dodgers? Californians. Once they left New York there was too much good beach for real animus.

Arizona/Denver? Nonsense. No. When true fans think baseball rivalry, they first think Astros/Mariners.

I’ll go back and look at the storied history of the teams another time, but right now I want to talk about one of the most despicable tribes on earth: Mariners fans. Mariners fans, the GOBs. I hate them.

I’ll give them this, GOBs are loyal. You go tonight to MMPUS and it’s full of teal NorthFace jackets. If I never see another blue and green lumberjack shirt it will be too soon. Seeing a girl’s compass neck tat gives me the creeps, even without the compass needle chin piercing, but that’s real loyalty. So here’s a random list of five annoying and horrible things you can expect from GOBs at any Mariners game. There are dozens of others, and I’m sure you can come up with many you hate more.

The coffee grind. Put your hands on your hips. Spread your feet to shoulder width. Move your hips as lewdly as possible while throwing your head back and growling GRRRR—GRRRR—GRRRR. Alkie chop? In comparison it’s mildly annoying. What’s worse is the music that comes pouring through the speakers. It’s what they do when the Mariners score a run. Tonight I heard that grinding way too often.

The Nirvana Inning Stretch. Most fans are content with singing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame,” and maybe a stupid chorus or two of “Sweet Caroline,” or if they’re very lucky, “Deep in the Heart of Texas.” Not the GOBs. They screw up their faces real tight, and, as whiny as they can, they growl choruses from Nirvana songs.

Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home
Grandma take me home

Or even more lame

Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello, how low?
Hello, hello, hello!

Some middle-aged guy on the next row over always plays air guitar and jerks around so his hair covers his face, if he’s still got hair. Inevitably the girl in the couple next to you, the one with the bleach and teal spiked hair, ends up crying, and when you ask if it’s about Kurt Cobain she says no, it’s because Courtney never reached her potential. These people are so stupid it’s contagious.

The Space Needle. Without any good reason stand straight, ankles and toes together. Interlace your fingers and stretch your arms as high above your head as you can. Lock your elbows. Release your index fingers so they point towards the rain clouds. Yell “space needle”. Yell it again. Repeat. Repeat some more until others join you. I’m not sure why they do this. It has nothing to do with the game, and as far as I can tell it happens at random intervals. I suspect it’s because they’re too stoned for something complicated like the wave.

The Yoga Moment. In Cleveland, the seventh inning yoga stretch makes sense: They’re the Subcontinentals, and yoga was invented in Cleveland. For Vishnu’s sake they have Gandhi on their baseball caps. Seattle it’s something else entirely: they’re poseurs. This season, between the fourth and fifth inning, they run a video of Felix Hernandez demonstrating yoga poses. It’s guaranteed that if you’re sitting near a GOB, he or she will turn to you and tell you how great your life would be if you just did yoga, how it would help your inner and physical strength, and how through yoga you too can achieve harmony, peace, and balance. They believe it too. Did you know that there are more yoga studios in King County than grocery stores? Horrifying. Just breathe in, breathe out.

The Fish Toss. They don’t toss out tee shirts at Mariners games, they toss fish. Sometimes sardines fresh from the can, sometimes a salmon, sometimes octopus, and fans try to catch them. Then they toss them around the stadium. It’s disgusting.

***

I hate the Mariners. When I break wind I turn to face Cancun. But even more I hate their fans, the GOBs, the grungiest oddities in baseball. I blame their parents, and I fail to wish their progeny luck at graduation.

***

Mr. Happy said that Bud Norris looked fairly sharp in the first inning, which I think amounts to high praise. From watching on MLB GameDay, he sure looked sharp, lots of crisp little red and green balls with arcing tails trailing out behind. But in the 4th he fell apart. On MLB GameDay though, he still looked the same, just as sharp as ever, except there were more blue balls. I think Bud started dwelling on getting traded. Who would want to leave Houston?

The story of the night though was Brandon Barnes, who hit for the cycle, the 8th Astros Cycle. Who was the last Astro to hit for the cycle, you ask? Rat Tail, 2006.

16 hits and they lost. That’s what happens when you play the Mariners.

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