TEXAS 10
Houston 5
contributed by NeilT
I’ve been pretty busy since I was down in Houston for the NRA convention, so I haven’t had a chance to check in lately. And my baseball team, the Texas team, hasn’t played the Houston team in awhile.
Y’all have probably heard what happened in Austin, where a bunch of Astros fans took over the Capitol under Lite Governor Dewhickey’s watch. I swear I spend half my time bailin’ that boy out of trouble. First he hands that Cruz fellow a platform to steal my conservative presidential thunder, and now he’s turned that little blonde hussy into some sort of national phenomenon. Somebody said she even had a better head of hair than yours truly. I had to go and call another special session and I’ve got better stuff to do. It’s like Anita always tells me, if you’re goin’ to use a hammer, don’t use it on your thumb.
I knew that mob-rule bunch was Astros fans ‘cause they were all wearin’ orange. As any good Aggie knows, it’s a left-wing liberal color. Just look at the name of this website: Orange Whoopass. What kind of liberal left-wing name is that? Anytime you see a bunch of orange, whether it’s teasips or Astros fans or women who want to boss you around instead of shavin’ their legs—and just to be clear none of those are mutually exclusive—you know what you’ve got. I hear even soccer fans in Houston wear orange. ‘Nuff said. We here in Texas will never bend over to the social and economic agenda of Western Europe, or of Houston.
What do you get when you mix the colors of the Texas team? That’s right, red and blue make maroon. That ain’t coincidental. That’s why with me in charge we have a balanced budget and a surplus, and why the Houston team lost again to the Texas team. Yippee-ki-yi-yay!
Let’s see now, I’m supposed to tell you something about the baseball game. The Houston’s pitcher Harrell gave up 7 earned runs, and threw more balls than strikes. I suspect he’s a Democrat, ‘cause they’re always giving stuff away. He gave up 9 runs total, so two of those runs must have been sparkling defense. Oberholtzer, whoever that is, gave up another earned run, so he’s probably a Democrat too. Castro—‘nuff said—had three hits on four plate appearances. Carter—‘nuff said—had a hit, a walk, and two strike outs.
Now y’all be payin’ attention on Monday, ‘cause I’ll tell you what my plans are, just as soon as Anita tells me. I’ve been thinkin’ about announcin’ for Governor again—wouldn’t that make ol’ Abbott hotter’n a two dollar pistol—but I’m guessin’ Anita’s gonna nix that. Of course everyone knows I’m Presidential material, but I really think I’ll announce that I’ll be the new president of the NRA. That’s even more powerful than President, there are no pesky debates where you get caught on the technicalities, and it pays better. Plus you get to shoot coyotes. Seems like the perfect gig to me.
What’s that baseball commissioner job pay? My bud Bud says he always gets to mess with Houston, and he must be at least a hundred. Somebody’s gotta do that job when he’s gone.
See y’all Monday!