Rangers – Astros Series Preview

Posted on August 9, 2013 by Dark Star in Featured, News, Series Previews

This preview was conceived, written, and submitted by 94CougarGrad. It is strictly prohibited to plagiarize, reprint or otherwise rebroadcast this series preview without the expressed written consent of 94CougarGrad and/or one of her legal representatives. Don’t fuck with her, man. That is my advice.

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Go to the Houston Astros’ website this morning and, at the beginning of the preview for tonight’s game, you’ll find this: “The Silver Boot series will make its last stop in Houston this season when the Astros and Rangers begin a four-game series at Minute Maid Park on Friday.” Then, you’ll read the next line, which is this: “The Rangers are 7-2 against Houston in 2013, and they’ve won five straight at Minute Maid Park since dropping the season opener.”

I have mixed reactions to those first two sentences. The reaction after reading the first sentence is: “Thank God! I *finally* get to watch some Astros baseball!” Then, with no warning- although I should’ve seen it coming- I’m unkindly reminded of the Astros’ poor record against the Rangers this season.

Well, you know what? Screw y’all, that’s what. Seriously, just fuck right off and hit the road, jack. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass like you smacked us in the ass with your stupid little keyboard and your stupid little words making stupid little comments about our stupid losing season in the stupid AL. What are you, a Rangers fan?

As a lifelong Astros fan who relocated to Rangers-land in 2008 for employment purposes, I have taken great comfort in the fact that when 95% of the Astros’ games were on television, I could turn on that television and watch my team. I’d plan dinner and schoolwork time around the opening pitch. I’d DVR games when they were broadcast on nights that I had class. I’d moved to unfamiliar territory, and turning on the Astros made things feel normal and happy, even when they lost, because that was normal, even if it wasn’t happy. And they were in familiar baseball territory. They’d be playing in San Francisco. Or Atlanta. Or Saint Louie. Or Chicago.

Now when the Astros play in Chicago, it’s gonna be against those guys in black-and-white who blanked us in the ’05 World Series. Now our boys have gotta use a designated hitter even when they play at home. Meh. Thanks so much, Bud.

As these few years have passed, I’ve come to enjoy living in North Texas. It’s really pretty up here. Lots of lakes, lots of green outside, lots of ducks and Canadian geese, lots of friendly people. As long as you don’t live in Dallas (which I don’t) or talk shop about baseball with Rangers fans (which I don’t) or, God forbid, talk about the ever-lovin’ Cowboys with football fans (which is an altogether different preview and shall not be discussed here). I’ve adapted. I move my potted plants around so they don’t bake in direct sunlight. I can hustle my family and animals into the inner bathroom of our home almost before the tornado warning siren starts. I’ve become quite adept at using my broom as an arachnid-apult to fling the invading wolf spiders (*shudder*) out the sliding door and into the backyard. I love being involved with the university community.

Something just doesn’t feel right this summer, however. I could pinpoint it on any number of things- the stress over researching and writing my thesis, the upcoming fall semester’s classes, Big’Un’s driver’s ed lessons- but, honest and for true, it really bothers me that I can’t just turn on my television in the evening and watch the Astros. I’m finding that I really don’t know much about this team, besides what I read on here or on the occasional visit to ESPN.com, or what I hear from the nearby trying-to-be-helpful-and-friendly Rangers fans. Their reports are usually worded in phrases something similar to: “Oh, the Astros? Geez, you guys really suck.” Yes, my dear, neighborly asshole… I know. And, believe me, it does *not* thrill me that I have to be dependent on *your* favorite fuckin’ team and its television deals and coverage to see *my* favorite team. You guys wanted the expansion of the Silver Boot series, y’all got it, and you’re thrilled about using that boot to tromp all over our newborn-American-League (bleh!) team. Believe me, the view of the boot is far more tarnished from the outsole than it is from the vamp, and the Astros are getting the shaft.

I don’t know a damn thing about this year’s Astros other than they’re in the American League and they’re losing. Badly. Here’s the thing, though. I’m still here, and I’m still an Astros fan. I still wanna know how my team’s doing. I still wanna go see them live. And I still wanna exercise my God-given right to turn on my frigging television and watch my favorite frigging baseball team play somebody else’s favorite frigging baseball team, even if the ‘Stros get their asses handed to them hand over choked fist.

Can your fan base say the same about itself, you two-time World Series losers? Would you still tune your television channels to baseball on a Monday night in September if the Cowboys were playing the Bears and the Rangers were on a six-game slide? Would Nelson Cruz’s “special muscle-building smoothies” still taste good right now if your team had a 37-76 record?

Rangers fans will be distracted by football soon enough, and I’ll be searching the upcoming schedules for Astros-Rangers games so that I know I can turn on the television and see my team play. But I’ll still be here, and I’ll still be an Astros fan, so help me, Bud Selig and CSN Houston and Baseball Gods of Wrath.

Just… somebody, for the love of this lil’ Houston-area gal transplanted to somewheres else, PLEASE get their heads straight and get a tv broadcast deal with somebody. I can’t stomach much more of this dependence on the Rangers and their fans. If your incompetence, or whatever it is, is going to continue to prevent me from seeing non-Rangers Astros games on the tube, just lock me up in Huntsville, already.

Friday, August 9, 7:10 pm:

M. Garza (1-1, 2.82, RHP)
vs.
Bedard (3-8, 4.29, LHP)

Bedard ain’t won a game since June 26. Garza pitched the only Rangers’ loss in their last 10 games. Oh, and don’t forget the stRangers’ 13 stolen bases in the last two games. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.

“Big and Bright Friday Nights” t-shirts to the first 10,000 fans, followed by Friday Night Fireworks (sponsored by Marathon Oil Corporation, where this Texas City girl’s daddy worked for 26 years)

Saturday, August 10, 6:10 pm:

Holland (9-6, 3.02, LHP)
vs.
Peacock (1-4, 7.25, RHP)

Holland is 7-1 and 2.61 in 12 road starts this season. Peacock’s current numbers make him the kind of pitcher that the guys in my old fantasy baseball league would’ve tried to pass off to me, the only chick owner, as part of a trade with some other young and untried player in exchange for a pitcher of Hershiser’s caliber and Jim Gott back in the day.

“Houston Astros vs. Texas Rangers commemorative baseball to first 10,000 fans
Houston Methodist presents Houston Astros Blood Drive, 2-7pm; eligible donors get an Astros t-shirt
Texas Country Street Festival, 2-6pm on Crawford St: live beer, cold music, and activities… or something like that.

Sunday, August 11, 1:10 pm:

Perez (4-3, 3.81, LHP)
vs.
Keuchel (5-6, 4.96, LHP)

Over his last 4 starts, Perez has improved his ERA from 9.00 to 3.81. He’s never faced the Astros before, though, so I predict that by the end of the day, his ERA will either balloon to 7.64 or improve further to 2.22. Preferably it’ll be the former. Keuchel’s moving back to the rotation from the ‘pen, and what a relief, since he seems to be pitching better as a starter than as a reliever.

No freebies
No giveaways
No fun stuff (unless the Astros win)

Monday, August 12, 1:10 pm:

Darvish (11-5, 2.72, RHP)
vs.
Oberholtzer (2-0, 2.53, LHP)

The businessmen get treated to a late lunch with Yu, and I’d like nothing more than to see him get royally trounced by our chopsticks… I mean, bats. Please. I haven’t seen Oberholtzer pitch, but he’s got some good things written about him. Plus I get a warm-fuzzy-baseball-happy feeling about the kid. He’s a redhead, and I’ve got a redheaded son. His last name’s the same as one of the dorms at my alma mater, which brings up some fun college memories. So… there. Pitch your ass off, kid.

Coca-Cola Value Days

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Let me assure you, I’m not cynical about the Astros. I’m just feeling more distant from baseball than I have in previous years, which really pisses me off. I hate that they’re struggling, and I hate that I can’t see them on tv, and I hate that they’re in the AL, but I’m still a fan, and I believe anything can happen.

Proof that anything can happen, you ask? That aforementioned fantasy baseball trade in which I traded away Hershiser and Gott, and received two youngish but decent guys, Morgan and Harkey, in return? Hershiser went on the 60-day DL the very next day. Morgan and Harkey did okay for me– not great, just okay– but Tim’s team plummeted in the standings because of the Hershiser injury, and my team improved enough to have a respectable finish at the end of the season.

So the moral of that story is… God bless Jim Gott.

Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before

Posted on August 8, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Boston scores go ahead runs in the 9th to beat the Astros 7-5.

WP: Junichi Tazawa (5-3)
LP: Josh Fields (1-2)
SV: Koji Uehara (11)

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Same old story, same old song and dance. And when we get to the end, we’re going to start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Second verse same as the first. And we’re back where we started, here we go round again. It’s the never ending story.

Have you heard the one about the team that couldn’t hold lead in the late innings? It’s not a comedy but it involves a comedy of errors, so to speak. Anyway, that joke isn’t funny anymore. It might be, if it wasn’t the truth.

The Astros have a well-established template for losing. Get a lead, have your starter pitch well enough for the team to have a lead in the late innings, have one of the relief pitchers come in and blow the lead and the team loses the game. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Cosart didn’t have his best, walking 5 and serving up 7 hits over 5 innings but left with the game tied at two runs each. Wright, Zeid, Blackley, and Lo, all worked in relief and managed to not blow the lead in spite of Zeid’s yielding of 2 runs–thanks in part to the Astros scoring 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th inning. Houston led 5 to 4 going in to the top of the ninth. Houston’s bullpen has 18 blown saves this season but it was only Field’s first blown save.

The Astros are off Thursday. Their Wednesday record has fallen to a less impressive 11 wins and 7 losses. Which is still amazing within the context of the season. Friday the good guys welcome the Arlington Rangers to town. Dickweed Matt Garza faces the self limited Eric Bedard.

Wanted: For Impersonating Relief Pitchers – Jose Cisnero, Josh Fields, Rhiner Cruz, Wesley Wright, Hector Ambriz, Travis Blackley

Time: 3:53.
Attendance: 22,205.
Weather: INDOORS

So American League

Posted on August 7, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

15-10 Red Sox over Astros

W: Workman (2-1)
L: Lyles (4-6)

Contributed by Reuben

Score score score, score score score. Walk walk walk, homer homer homer, Wheeeeeeeee!

Since the Astros’ early 5-0 lead got all shot to hell, here’s some bullet points, rather than an actual description of the game:

-Jordan Lyles’ ERA is now 5.40. Good thing he is still only 22 years old, although I’m beginning to wonder if in 2 years we’ll be saying “but…he’s still only 24…”

-The winning pitcher in this game allowed 9 hits and 6 runs in less than 5 innings.

-Robbie Grossman had another homer, a steal, and two hits tonight. His one hitless AB was a rope right at the right fielder. That kid has been impressive to say the least since he got recalled.

-Brett Wallace hit his 9th homer. In 34 games since he was recalled from OKC in late June, Wallace has hit 7 doubles, the 9 HR, and 24 RBI. That pace over 162 games would yield 35 2B, 42 HR, and 114 RBI. Caveat alert: he’s still been awful vs. lefty pitchers.

-LJ Hoes hit a nice triple onto Tal’s Hill. He was 2-for-4.

-Zeid and Lo still have 0.00 career ERAs in the Majors. Zeid pitched 1 2/3 and struck out 3.

-The Sox’ catcher, Lavarnway, is believed to have tied a MLB record by allowing 4 passed balls in one inning, the 1st. That seems like it happened two days ago now.

-Villar was 2-for-2 but had to leave the game after making a diving attempt on a ground ball. Looked like he may have jammed his thumb, hopefully not seriously.

-Altuve, 0-for-5 and now hitting .279. Not sure this is the best time to try him out as the #3 hitter.

-The game took about 4 hours to play. It sucked.

Ober Hoes Fields

Posted on August 6, 2013 by BudGirl in Game Recaps, News

Red Sox 0, Astros 2
W:Oberholtzer (2-0) L:Lackey (7-9) SV:Fields (1)

recap

Yeah, that’s right, the lowly Astros beat the mighty Red Sox. Our band of misfits struck out twice as many times (12 to 6), stole 6 bases (with one caught stealing by Wallace), and outhit the opposition (8 hits to 5) to score 2 runs.

The rookie starting pitcher Oberholtzer (also called Ober and Obie during the broadcast) pitched 7 scoreless innings. He really did a great job. He doesn’t seem to have a flashy pitch, he just did a good job. He got his two strike outs of the night in the 7th inning with a runner on 3rd and one out. He just stepped up and did a great job. As someone said in the gamezone, maybe the Bourn trade wasn’t a bust (yeah, I’m too lazy to look up who said it).

Fields did a great job, I think he may want the closer job.

I don’t know how the Astros will fare the rest of the series, but it was still great to see them get a shut-out win.

Fun stuff:
Here’s my fun stuff of the recap.

Sparkle Me

Posted on August 5, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Twins 3, Astros 2

W: Thielbar (2-1)
L: Peacock (1-4)

Peacock pitched a really nice ball game. Sure, it was against a team that can’t hit for shit, a team on the ass end of mediocre, but if you take it out of context he held the Twins to four hits over seven innings and gave up three runs on two homers while striking out ten.

The hapless Astro offense found seven singles off of retread rehab case Mike Pelfrey, but they could only turn ten baserunners into two runs. Instead of losing this game with the bullpen, Houston got to watch as their opponent won the game with theirs, blunting a bases-loaded opportunity in the seventh and cruising the rest of the way in.

Castro worked three walks. Wallace and Carter had RBI singles with two outs in the fifth. Grossman and Dominguez had a pair of singles but it’s just sand on the beach. Tune in tomorrow for Oberholtzer’s start against the Red Sox.

老嫖

Posted on August 3, 2013 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Minniepaulians 4
Astros 3

contributed by NeilT

I love Minnesota. You probably don’t know this, but I’ve actually been to Minnesota. I’ve flown to Minneapolis, on Braniff Airlines, and I’ve driven to Minneapolis more than once in a relatively new Plymouth Duster. I’ve been to Minneapolis in summer, and I’ve been to Minneapolis in the winter. I’ve driven through Austin, Mn., home of the Spam Museum. It was in Minneapolis, in fact, that I learned that not everyplace serves Dr. Pepper. That’s why I’m so cosmopolitan today.

Now that we’re in the American League, there are some important things you need to know about Minnesota. Here are some of those things.

The Twins. The Minnesota baseball team is the Minneapolis Twins. That’s because there are these two cities, St. Paul and Minneapolis, which are actually the same city, but which is known as The Twins’ Cities because it was founded by fraternal twins, Paul and Minnie. Paul and Minnie were abandoned by their parents and raised by wild beavers. There’s a famous statue at the state capitol of Minniepaulius of Paul and Minnie suckling from a beaver. It’s presumably a female beaver, but it looks perplexed.

White People. Some residents of Minnesota have never met anyone whose ancestors weren’t Scandinavian. Cultural diversity in Minnesota consists of whether your grandparents were Norwegians or Swedes.

Liquor Deliveries. It gets really, really cold in Minnesota. In winter it gets dark at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and then it snows. Winter lasts from the end of the regular season to the All-Star Break. That’s why nobody drinks more than Minnesotans. Remember, their only cultural contribution is F. Scott Fitzgerald, a famous drunk who wrote mostly about drinking, and most households get daily deliveries of vodka. The vodka man leaves a couple of bottles on the front stoop, where the vodka immediately freezes.

Hotdish. Minnesotan cuisine consists of hotdish, which is some starch, some dairy, some meat, some canned soup, and some corn. Minnesotans eat hotdish 365 days a year, and in leap years add a casserole. I was feeling nostalgic for those visits I made to Minnesota 30-odd years ago, so tonight I made hotdish for dinner. I wanted something with a bit of Texas flavor, and after an internet search I made authentic Minnesotan taco hotdish. Here’s the list of ingredients:

2 pkgs crescent rolls
1 lb hamburger
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can tomato soup
1 can corn
4 lg. slices mozzarella cheese
1 egg, beaten.

Jumble the ingredients up in a casserole and bake at 350 for 43 minutes. With 2 fifths vodka serves a family of 4.

There you go. That’s authentic Minnesotan.

***

Cosart pitched 7 tonight, and left the game having thrown 99 pitches. He allowed 5 hits, 1 ER, 4 SO, and 1 BB. It was efficient and completely satisfying. Then we learned what this means: 老嫖. In Mandarin, it means that Porter frequents the bullpen.

There was consternation that Cosart was taken out of the game. Over the next 6 innings there were some go ahead runs by the Twins, and some tying runs by the Stros, and vice versa. There was a Villar error. There were Astros bullpen shenanigans, but there were some nice moments as well. Zeid came in with a 0.00 ERA and left with a 0.00 ERA. He must be the new closer.

By the 12th only Harrell was left in the pen, so Porter brought in Keuchel. In the bottom of the 13th the Twins got their walk-off.

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