Astros 1
Our Natural Rivals 7
contributed by NeilT
As Bench has pointed out, this is the series of the season, the series when Our Natural Rivals, the hated Mariners, are on home-ground for four games. There are so many names on the Mariners that I loathe: Miller, Franklin, Seager, Ibanez, Smoak . . . Smoak!!! I hate fucking Smoak!!!
Meanwhile, I am in Nantucket. You may not know Nantucket, but it is full of rich people, all of whom got rich in the limerick trade. It’s actually the limerick harvest season here, and as you drive around the island, you constantly see roadside stalls where limerick fishers are selling limericks fresh from the sea. I couldn’t afford any of the expensive limericks from the downtown shops, but in honor of the Mariners’ series, I stopped at a roadside stall and bought a half-dozen cheap limericks about the Astros. I was surprised they had any at all, but they were actually pretty well stocked. There was one about the ‘Stros general condition:
There once was a fan in Nantucket,
Whose team kept its wins in a bucket,
A girl name of Nan
Said just use a small pan
And as for the bucket, Nantucket.
There was one about current events:
The Astros are richer than Croesus,
Says Forbes, and now no one believes us,
When we say they are poor
Perched on poverty’s door
‘Cause they spent all their money to please us.
Like I said, they weren’t the highest quality limericks. I did get this one about the Mariners, and I thought it was pretty good:
When the ‘Stros play Our Natural Rivals,
My gorge burns with vomity bile.
There’s nothing I hate
More than scurvy fishbait
And the gobs who define all that’s vile.
Unfortunately, it was not a good night for the ‘Stros.
There once was a pitcher named Brad,
Whose night was incredibly bad,
He gave up five runs
By the fifth he was done
For the Swabs he was there to be had.
But not every problem was starting pitching, there were problems hitting too. The Mariners pitched Taijuan Walker, who made his major league debut, and next year will be inducted into the Hall of Fame. Walker allowed two hits and one unearned run in five innings.
There once was an offense from Houston
Who would swing with the greatest of gusto.
With one walk and four clouts
The rest were all outs
When asked to sit down they would do so.
If there was a bright spot last night, it was the bullpen. Humber came in for the last out of the fifth, and pitched three more innings of two-hit, one-earned run innings. Zeid pitched the ninth, giving up one more earned run.
There once was a bullpen from Houston
From which Porter was pickin’ and choosin’.
Regardless of names
The relievers lost games
They were less good at winnin’ than losin’.
So I guess the good news was that they didn’t blow the save, but I liked that Humber went long innings.
The guy at the limerick stand was really nice. “Call me Ishmael,” he said. He felt pretty bad for me after last night’s game, and as I was leaving he threw one more limerick into the bag. “I know how it feels to float around in a coffin. And don’t worry,” he said, “this limerick isn’t finished.”
There once was a fan in Nantucket
Whose team’s win-loss record sure sucked it.
He longed for a win
But they lost once again
And the fan was left crying “well. . .”
Sorry. Like I said, these were cheap limericks, and this one wasn’t finished. I couldn’t come up with an end rhyme. I thought of a bunch: Muck it, truck it, duck it, luck it . . . None of them seemed to be quite the thing. If you’ve read this far, you probably know how to end it anyway.