This preview was conceived, written, and submitted by 94CougarGrad. It is strictly prohibited to plagiarize, reprint or otherwise rebroadcast this series preview without the expressed written consent of 94CougarGrad and/or one of her legal representatives. Don’t fuck with her, man. That is my advice.
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Go to the Houston Astros’ website this morning and, at the beginning of the preview for tonight’s game, you’ll find this: “The Silver Boot series will make its last stop in Houston this season when the Astros and Rangers begin a four-game series at Minute Maid Park on Friday.” Then, you’ll read the next line, which is this: “The Rangers are 7-2 against Houston in 2013, and they’ve won five straight at Minute Maid Park since dropping the season opener.”
I have mixed reactions to those first two sentences. The reaction after reading the first sentence is: “Thank God! I *finally* get to watch some Astros baseball!” Then, with no warning- although I should’ve seen it coming- I’m unkindly reminded of the Astros’ poor record against the Rangers this season.
Well, you know what? Screw y’all, that’s what. Seriously, just fuck right off and hit the road, jack. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass like you smacked us in the ass with your stupid little keyboard and your stupid little words making stupid little comments about our stupid losing season in the stupid AL. What are you, a Rangers fan?
As a lifelong Astros fan who relocated to Rangers-land in 2008 for employment purposes, I have taken great comfort in the fact that when 95% of the Astros’ games were on television, I could turn on that television and watch my team. I’d plan dinner and schoolwork time around the opening pitch. I’d DVR games when they were broadcast on nights that I had class. I’d moved to unfamiliar territory, and turning on the Astros made things feel normal and happy, even when they lost, because that was normal, even if it wasn’t happy. And they were in familiar baseball territory. They’d be playing in San Francisco. Or Atlanta. Or Saint Louie. Or Chicago.
Now when the Astros play in Chicago, it’s gonna be against those guys in black-and-white who blanked us in the ’05 World Series. Now our boys have gotta use a designated hitter even when they play at home. Meh. Thanks so much, Bud.
As these few years have passed, I’ve come to enjoy living in North Texas. It’s really pretty up here. Lots of lakes, lots of green outside, lots of ducks and Canadian geese, lots of friendly people. As long as you don’t live in Dallas (which I don’t) or talk shop about baseball with Rangers fans (which I don’t) or, God forbid, talk about the ever-lovin’ Cowboys with football fans (which is an altogether different preview and shall not be discussed here). I’ve adapted. I move my potted plants around so they don’t bake in direct sunlight. I can hustle my family and animals into the inner bathroom of our home almost before the tornado warning siren starts. I’ve become quite adept at using my broom as an arachnid-apult to fling the invading wolf spiders (*shudder*) out the sliding door and into the backyard. I love being involved with the university community.
Something just doesn’t feel right this summer, however. I could pinpoint it on any number of things- the stress over researching and writing my thesis, the upcoming fall semester’s classes, Big’Un’s driver’s ed lessons- but, honest and for true, it really bothers me that I can’t just turn on my television in the evening and watch the Astros. I’m finding that I really don’t know much about this team, besides what I read on here or on the occasional visit to ESPN.com, or what I hear from the nearby trying-to-be-helpful-and-friendly Rangers fans. Their reports are usually worded in phrases something similar to: “Oh, the Astros? Geez, you guys really suck.” Yes, my dear, neighborly asshole… I know. And, believe me, it does *not* thrill me that I have to be dependent on *your* favorite fuckin’ team and its television deals and coverage to see *my* favorite team. You guys wanted the expansion of the Silver Boot series, y’all got it, and you’re thrilled about using that boot to tromp all over our newborn-American-League (bleh!) team. Believe me, the view of the boot is far more tarnished from the outsole than it is from the vamp, and the Astros are getting the shaft.
I don’t know a damn thing about this year’s Astros other than they’re in the American League and they’re losing. Badly. Here’s the thing, though. I’m still here, and I’m still an Astros fan. I still wanna know how my team’s doing. I still wanna go see them live. And I still wanna exercise my God-given right to turn on my frigging television and watch my favorite frigging baseball team play somebody else’s favorite frigging baseball team, even if the ‘Stros get their asses handed to them hand over choked fist.
Can your fan base say the same about itself, you two-time World Series losers? Would you still tune your television channels to baseball on a Monday night in September if the Cowboys were playing the Bears and the Rangers were on a six-game slide? Would Nelson Cruz’s “special muscle-building smoothies” still taste good right now if your team had a 37-76 record?
Rangers fans will be distracted by football soon enough, and I’ll be searching the upcoming schedules for Astros-Rangers games so that I know I can turn on the television and see my team play. But I’ll still be here, and I’ll still be an Astros fan, so help me, Bud Selig and CSN Houston and Baseball Gods of Wrath.
Just… somebody, for the love of this lil’ Houston-area gal transplanted to somewheres else, PLEASE get their heads straight and get a tv broadcast deal with somebody. I can’t stomach much more of this dependence on the Rangers and their fans. If your incompetence, or whatever it is, is going to continue to prevent me from seeing non-Rangers Astros games on the tube, just lock me up in Huntsville, already.
Friday, August 9, 7:10 pm:
M. Garza (1-1, 2.82, RHP)
vs.
Bedard (3-8, 4.29, LHP)
Bedard ain’t won a game since June 26. Garza pitched the only Rangers’ loss in their last 10 games. Oh, and don’t forget the stRangers’ 13 stolen bases in the last two games. Lordy, Lordy, Lordy.
“Big and Bright Friday Nights” t-shirts to the first 10,000 fans, followed by Friday Night Fireworks (sponsored by Marathon Oil Corporation, where this Texas City girl’s daddy worked for 26 years)
Saturday, August 10, 6:10 pm:
Holland (9-6, 3.02, LHP)
vs.
Peacock (1-4, 7.25, RHP)
Holland is 7-1 and 2.61 in 12 road starts this season. Peacock’s current numbers make him the kind of pitcher that the guys in my old fantasy baseball league would’ve tried to pass off to me, the only chick owner, as part of a trade with some other young and untried player in exchange for a pitcher of Hershiser’s caliber and Jim Gott back in the day.
“Houston Astros vs. Texas Rangers commemorative baseball to first 10,000 fans
Houston Methodist presents Houston Astros Blood Drive, 2-7pm; eligible donors get an Astros t-shirt
Texas Country Street Festival, 2-6pm on Crawford St: live beer, cold music, and activities… or something like that.
Sunday, August 11, 1:10 pm:
Perez (4-3, 3.81, LHP)
vs.
Keuchel (5-6, 4.96, LHP)
Over his last 4 starts, Perez has improved his ERA from 9.00 to 3.81. He’s never faced the Astros before, though, so I predict that by the end of the day, his ERA will either balloon to 7.64 or improve further to 2.22. Preferably it’ll be the former. Keuchel’s moving back to the rotation from the ‘pen, and what a relief, since he seems to be pitching better as a starter than as a reliever.
No freebies
No giveaways
No fun stuff (unless the Astros win)
Monday, August 12, 1:10 pm:
Darvish (11-5, 2.72, RHP)
vs.
Oberholtzer (2-0, 2.53, LHP)
The businessmen get treated to a late lunch with Yu, and I’d like nothing more than to see him get royally trounced by our chopsticks… I mean, bats. Please. I haven’t seen Oberholtzer pitch, but he’s got some good things written about him. Plus I get a warm-fuzzy-baseball-happy feeling about the kid. He’s a redhead, and I’ve got a redheaded son. His last name’s the same as one of the dorms at my alma mater, which brings up some fun college memories. So… there. Pitch your ass off, kid.
Coca-Cola Value Days
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Let me assure you, I’m not cynical about the Astros. I’m just feeling more distant from baseball than I have in previous years, which really pisses me off. I hate that they’re struggling, and I hate that I can’t see them on tv, and I hate that they’re in the AL, but I’m still a fan, and I believe anything can happen.
Proof that anything can happen, you ask? That aforementioned fantasy baseball trade in which I traded away Hershiser and Gott, and received two youngish but decent guys, Morgan and Harkey, in return? Hershiser went on the 60-day DL the very next day. Morgan and Harkey did okay for me– not great, just okay– but Tim’s team plummeted in the standings because of the Hershiser injury, and my team improved enough to have a respectable finish at the end of the season.
So the moral of that story is… God bless Jim Gott.