NLCS Game Six – Astros at Cardinals

Posted on October 19, 2005 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

OK, we’ll do it the hard way. You want revenge on the Jakes? Fine, we’ll serve it up cold. Cold as the tits on every old granny sitting under a blanket at Busch tonight.

The Astros just need one fucking win, and Roy Oswalt is taking the hill. Let’s take the pennant right now and forget about Game Seven. 27 outs to go – make sure every damn one counts.

When:
Wednesday, October 19, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: Busch Stadium

It is time to shut this old whore down. I am so fucking sick of hearing about Old ‘n Busted Busch that I can take cookie-cutter shits. Kinda soulless, but at least they’re proportional.

Next week is too late to retire this old skank. Shut ‘er down tonight.

Letters To the Editor

Posted on October 19, 2005 by Andyzipp in Zipper Flap

I have avoided reading the Houston Chronicle for the better part of the last week or so. There are far better ways to spend my time. Especially after a loss. Especially after the game 5 loss. Especially after the way the Astros lost game 5.

But today, in anticipation of the game, I took the Playoff section of that same Chronicle into the rest room, because a) I was hoping beyond hope that there was anything remotely interesting in there I hadn’t already squeezed out of pravata’s Google…(there wasn’t), b) a stall in a public restroom seems a pretty appropriate place to read Justice, Ortiz and Lopez and c) say what you want, but the Chronicle loosens stool, time after time. In fact, that may be its most redeeming quality.Read More

NLCS Game Five – Cardinals at Astros

Posted on October 17, 2005 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

Alright Astros fans, the moment is at hand. The 3rdinals are ready to drop and it’s time for the knockout punch. The Astros have got three games to do it, but fuck that. Today’s the day to put the Jakes on the deck. Right now. End it here, tonight, and claim the team’s first National League pennant.

It won’t be easy, because Chris Carpenter is pitching for St. Louis. The Co-Ards are cornered and desperate, and they’re going to be pull every bizarro stunt in the Tank Commander’s playbook to try to steal this game.

But the Astros are countering with Starin’ Andy Pettitte, who is made to pitch in games like this. So pull your hat down low and give ’em the ol’ stinkeye – today’s the day we drag the Jakes kicking and whining to the chopping block. And drop the ax on their bulging, twitching necks.

When:
Monday, October 16, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

This should be a wild one today. I hope you got a ticket.

NLCS Game Four – Cardinals at Astros

Posted on October 16, 2005 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

The Game Three win was huge, but today’s game is even bigger. With a victory today the Astros take a commanding lead, and mash a boot down on the Co-Ards’ spasming creaky neck. But an Astros’ loss means it’s a three-game series with two left at Busch.

Suddenly the Jakes are looking as old ‘n busted as their piece-of-shit stadium, but don’t count the fuckers out yet. They might be lulling us to sleep, because I’ve heard they’re sneaky like that. Anyway, you know these freaks can explode at any moment, and they probably will soon.

Today’s the day to take control of the series. The Jakes’ legs are getting wobbly, and it’s time to put them on the ropes.

When:
Sunday, October 16, 3:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

LaGenius was bitching about home plate umpire Wally Bell BEFORE Game Three started. Said he was concerned that Bell’s strike zone would be affected by the crowd, or some shit. For an encore, today he’ll call the ump a cocksucker when he brings out the lineup card.

NLCS Game Three – Cardinals at Astros

Posted on October 15, 2005 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

Well now, the coronation didn’t proceed as expected. While the Co-Ards were posing for TV cameras and next year’s figurines, Roy Oswalt stomped on their dicks and evened up the series. And now everyone comes back to Houston for a good Rogering.

Roger Clemens pitching at home on Saturday – what are the odds? After last weekend’s amazing performance, I’m guessing the crowd will be pleased to see him again. Congratulations to those who get to go in person; I hope it’s louder than a boat ride with the Minnesota Vikings.

When:
Saturday, October 15, 3:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: MMPUS

I’ve never paid much attention to the uniform rotation and which jersey gets worn on which day. But it seems like the red jersey/black cap combo is working, and I hope they stick with it.

By the way, to those in attendance today, please remember that the louder you cheer, the more you’ll drown out Fox?s fuckwit broadcast team. I would love to hear bedlam instead of Steve Lyon’s Woody Woodpecker laugh. Or maybe it’s that other guy. One of those fucking idiots.

NLCS Game Two – Astros at Cardinals

Posted on October 13, 2005 by Craig in Series Previews

By Craig Elliott

Oh well, we gotta shake off the crappy game and put it behind us like yesterday’s Mets. What’s done is done. With a win today we can even things up before the series moves to Minute Maid.

But man oh man, it’s going to be a long, brutal series – and I’m just talking about the Fox broadcast team. Those guys couldn’t count their own balls, much less strikes.

When:
Thursday, October 13, 7:00 p.m. CDT – Fox

Where: Busch Stadium

I don’t know who will throw out the ceremonial first pitch today, but I’m pretty sure Lance Berkman will take a swing at it and ground weakly to second. Or maybe they’ll just roll the first pitch up there and let Tim McClelland call it a strike.

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