The Astros cranked out three straight wins against the Rukkakes before Wandy took it on the chin Thursday. Thunderpants had a manly stroke Wednesday, popping four hits that included a prodigious money shot over the railroad tracks. Pence is fourth in the league in hitting, while Tejada is leading the league.
The Pirates lost two of three at home to the Astros last weekend, then traded off their young All-Star Nate McLouth and celebrated by sweeping the stupid fucking Mets. The Pirates cleared a spot for young hotshot centerfielder Andrew McCutchen with the trade and he’s already in the starting line-up. McCutchen should be an All-Star in two to three years, when he’ll be traded to the Cubs for Ryan Theriot and a handful of goat shit.
The Astros could climb over the Pirates and get out of the cellar this series; it is about time for the Pirates’ annual fade, after all. But then again, if this series goes to shit the Astros may as well settle into the cellar and set up a mushroom garden. Of course Lee and Berkman would just eat it, but you know.
Minute Maid Park
Friday, June 5, 7:05 p.m. – FSH-HD
Saturday, June 6, 6:05 p.m. – FSH-HD
Sunday, June 7, 1:05 p.m. – my20pixelsHD
Hurry back with your dulcet tones, Brownie. Do and Ray are yammering incessantly and stepping all over JD.
Also, a memo to Fox Sports – I’m tired of seeing douchebag Kobe Bryant being the Tickle Man. It’s not making me want to watch your annoying show.
Friday – Free car wash
Saturday – Free towel
Sunday – Kids run the bases
Pretty slim pickings on the schwag front this weekend. The best part is Sunday when kids can run around the bases as many times as they want, with the added bonus of being caught in a rundown by the Astros’ infielders the entire time. Every kid who scores gets a free minor league contract, so come out Sunday and help Ed Wade restock the minors.
Projected Matchups from Astros.com
Friday
Jeff Karstens (2-2, 4.83) v. Mike Hampton (3-4, 5.07)
Karstens is 1-0 in two career appearances against the Astros, both of which came earlier this season. He’s given up five earned runs in 11 innings against the Good Guys, along with 10 hits, six walks and five strikeouts. Lee, Berkman, and Pence are all 1-for-5 against him, with Pence’s hit being a homer. Tejada is 3-for-9 against Karstens with two doubles.
Hampton is 12-3 in 18 career appearances against the Pirates, and he hasn’t lost to them in more than nine years. That includes two wins and an ERA of 0.69 this season. Current Bucs are a combined 7-for-58 (.121) against Hampton, with Eric Hinske being the only one who’s done anything at all (2-for-3 with a double and a homer). Nobody else has more than one hit – or any extra-base hits – off Hampton.
Saturday
Paul Maholm (3-2, 3.82) v. Roy Oswalt (2-2, 4.28)
Maholm has 10 appearances against Houston and a 5-4 record, and he’s 0-1 this year. Current Astros have 136 at-bats against him but no one’s done much. Hunter Pence is the best of the lot at 5-for-16 with two doubles. Berkman and Lee are a combined 7-for-46 against him. Maysonet and Bourn are both 2-for-4.
Roy has a 13-6 record against the Pirates but he hasn’t faced them this season. No one on the Pirates has a homer off him, though Ann Wilson (24-for-66, .364) and Dirty Sanchez (11-for-30, .367) have hit him well. Andy LaRoche has six hits and six strikeouts against Roy.
Sunday
Ian Snell (1-6, 5.64) v. Felipe Paulino (1-4, 6.21)
Snell is 2-5 in 12 appearances against the Astros, but hasn’t seen them this season. Hunter Pence has a homer off Snell, and Bourn is 4-for-10 against him. Berkman is only 4-for-19 but also has 12 walks.
Paulino has only pitched one inning against the Pirates (in 2007) and Ann Wilson is 1-for-1 against him. He’s had four quality starts in his last five games, but hasn’t gotten much run support.
Pittsburgh – Third-baseman Andy LaRoche is questionable for this series. Reliever Tyler Yates (elbow), catcher Ryan Doumit (wrist), and starter Donnie “Try the” Veal (groin) are all on the 15-day DL. Starter Phil Dumatrait and reliever Craig Hansen are having a seat over there on the 60-day DL.
Houston – Geoff Geary may start a rehab assignment in Corpus Christi this weekend, so for God’s sake wear a helmet if you live down there. Click it or ticket. Jose Valverde might be back in another week or so; once Valverde is active, Billy Mays will be brought in to thoroughly clean all the stains in the trainer’s room. Doug Brocail and Kazuo Matsui are still comparing their sprung hamstrings.
Interesting Things
* Andy mentioned the Chivas horseface cockjockeys in the GameZone the other night. Holy shit, that one horseface with the fucking teeth looks like he could bite an apple in half.
* In these difficult and trying times, it’s comforting to know the Astros are lovingly sponsored by the Church of Scientology. According to sources close to the Astros who spoke to ESPN, Xenu is trying to get Orbit to come out of retirement and embrace his true past identity as a reincarnated thetan. The cleansing process is expected to require a soul audit and several expensive re-education courses, culminating in lawsuits all around. Negotiations with Junction Jack have stalled.
* In the spirit of special-label beer cans for stupid people who can’t tell the can is cold, Double Whataburgers will now come with an available meat indicator, and Southwest 737’s will be equipped with a thumbs up/thumbs down airworthiness certificate. Think of it as Dumbass Insurance.
* I spent last weekend in Chicago, surrounded by Cubs and Sox fans. One billboard from a stop-smoking campaign made me laugh – “Cubs Win World Series” and underneath “make sure you’re still alive to see it”
* Actually, fuck the Cubs
Discuss today’s game in the Gamezone.
You’ve been waiting patiently for all of a couple of days for the announcement, so I won’t keep it from you much longer. One would think with a somewhat uninspired performance from the team on the whole, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone worthy of award recognition. Well, just the opposite, many players distinguished themselves last month. For the May Spike Award, the candidates were Michael Bourn, Chris Sampson and Lance Berkman. For the May Star Award, the candidates were Carlos Lee, Hunter Pence, Miguel Tejada and Wandy Rodriquez.
May 2009 Spike Award
month’s Spike Award winner is none other than Michael Bourn. Tossing his body around the field all month long making some spectacular plays out in centerfield. At times it seemed he would not be able to avoid the DL unlike just about every other Astro player this year. That includes last month’s Spike Award winner too. Bourn has been every bit the break out player on the team that was predicted by GM Ed Wade, although methinks the break out was probably pointed towards his offense and not his defense. But defense isn’t lost around here, the young man is just simply outstanding out there taking care of the hard plays with ease and the impossible plays with awe inspired yells of “hell yeah!” from the SnS.
May 2009 Star Award
we no more create the Star Award and we get our first ever two time winner. Wandy Rodriquez beat out some great competition on individual performance this month to carry away the helmet award. Wandy, although struggling a little bit towards the end of the month, still had enough great performances in May to keep himself front and center as the best Astros player on the squad. What can we say other than we have no intention of renaming the award to the “Wandy”, but who could blame us if we did?
