The Astros head into bubblegum park fresh off their first dubaya* of the season.  *(that’s W for you edumacated types)   That’s right, your hometown 9 got off the schneid versus the Redbirds and have a chance to make it two in a row versus the baby bears.  Its porridge stealing time!  Despite all the analysts saying how the sCrubs would be on easy street with a this chair is too soft schedule to begin the season, they have posted a losing record thus far.  Apparently someone smashed their chair to splinters and left it for Papa Bear to put back together again.  The Wrigleyville fans are already on Soriano’s ass, booing him during the team’s home opener on Monday. I guess this shows that even a blind Cub fan can stumble over a moth-eaten nut every millenium.

Probable Pitching Duels

Friday, April 16, 1:20 p.m. CT  

Felipe Paulino, RHP (0-0, 7.20) vs Carlos Silva, RHP (0-0, 1.50)

No current sCrub has more that 4 plate appearances against Paulino, in fact there are only 20 total for the entire team.  However small a sample size, they still boast a .353 BA against him with 2 homeruns (Lee and Sorry-I-know).    Paulino needs to improve on his first start this season where he gave up four hits, four walks and four earned over five innings.  He also struck out four.  How’s that for fourplay?  Silva is scheduled for his first start at Wrigley, even though he has had some shoulder issues.  In his last game against the Redlegs, he gave up 3 hits with one earned run, 3 strike outs and no walks.  Carlos Lee has the most AB of any Astro vs Silva (27).  In those 27, he has 8 hits for a .296 BA, more than 3 times his current 2010 average of .097.  For his career, Lee has liked hitting in Wrigley, boasting a .311 average with 20 HR (out of 68 hits).  C’mon Carlos–find that Silva lining and get outta that nasty funk you are in!

Saturday, April 17, 12:05 p.m. CT

Roy Oswalt, RHP (0-2, 3.75) vs Tom Gorzelanny, LHP (0-0, 0.00)

If you just look at the stats, Roy has not pitched badly this year.  5 earned in 12 innings ain’t chopped liver, but hasn’t been enough with the anemic performance the Astros bats have shown for Roy’s first two starts (only 3 runs posted by the Good Guys).  Of course, he was up against Lincecum and Halladay, but this time he gets a better draw.  Tommy G takes the hill for the second time this season, after a very staunch performance against the Reds (1 run, 4 hits, 6.1 innings).  Seven Astros hit .333 or better against Gorzelanny, although in a limited number of AB (none more than 8).

Sunday, April 18, 1:20 CT

Wandy Rodriguez, LHP (0-2, 6.10) vs Ryan Dempster, RHP (1-0, 4.38)

Wandy got Pooholed in his last start, and is still seeking his first dubaya of the season.  If he wants to last more than 4 1/3 innings this time, he will need to be shy away from Derrick Lee.  Lee just eats Wandy’s lunch–hitting .483 with 3 homers against him in 29 ABs.  Theriot also sports a not too shabby .427 average versus the southpaw.  Dempster returns to the mound after an extra day off following a 114 pitch outing where he gave up 5 earned in 6.1 innings for a win against the Brew Crew.  Even though he earned the win, it was not his best start of the season.  Earlier, he had a no-decision against the Braves where he gave up only 1 earned in 6.  Astros batters (pitchers not included) have a combined team BA of .320 against the Dumpster with 12 of 51 hits being for extra bases.  Keppinger (9 for 18) and Bourn (6 for 15) both sport averages above .400 against him.

Is there a Dr. in the House?

The sCrubs will be without Guzman, Caridad and Lilly for the  series.  All are on the 15 day DL, but Guzman is expected to miss the entire year.  For the ‘Stros, Berkman is still knee deep in Twinkies while Gervacio, Arias and Bazardo have shoulder issues and aren’t expected back until late April to mid-May. 

Free Cubs Shit

Friday April 16–Get your free spitcup. Or maybe you need a urinal for your car or deercamp.  Guaranteed to hold all the piss you can muster while yelling “Fuck the Cubs!” 20 times in a row.

Saturday April 17–Heilmann’s Old Style Knit Cap Not a bad cap, too bad its in baby bear colors.

Sunday April 18–Cubs Scarf  Just what you need to strangle John Q. Cubfan with.

Ok, lemme hear ya, and a-one and a-two, and a-three…….

No, it is not time to have nightmares of a drunken Harry Caray rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”.  No, it is time for your favorite SnS yell—Fuck the Cubs!  Fuck the Cubs!!  Fuck the Cubs!!!  Yeah, that felt good didn’t it?  Nothing gives you quite that satisfying feeling as reveling in the misery of Cub Nation.  So let me hear it one more time from the SnS bleachers———

Fuck The Cubs!!!

Well, maybe not Mudville–that’s a little too poetic and all and I wouldn’t want to get into anything resembling strosraysesque territory; besides I don’t have a goddamn surfboard or a boss record collection or cool as shit avatar.  Also, I’ll point out that Mudville did have a legendary slugger who was hitting at a pretty good clip and the team was in contention and there was a ray of shining hope until the very last second and that’s not what we’re talking about here.  No, we’ve got a team that’s thus far shown some hit and miss pitching and and some solidly putrid hitting on their way to a sterling 0-6 start.  Sure, they’ve drawn two pretty decent teams to play in each series but there’s still no way to put a lot of shine on this dog’s ass.  And, it don’t get easier come this afternoon when Houston motors into New Busch (considered by many better than old bush)where the Cardinals are going to put on a swell pre game, trotting out the Clydesdales and Whitey Herzog and even Mark McGwire who will maybe do a couple of biceps flexes and give his personal testimony or maybe suggest in a true moment of clarity that the new stadium should have been called the “House that Juice Built” or just simply, “Needle Park.”

Here’s your pitching matchups:

Monday, April 12 at 3:15 CT on “FS-H” 0r whatever the hell Fox is calling itself this month.

Wandy Rodgriguez, LHP (0-1, 4.50) v. Adam “Ant” Wainwright, RHP (1-0, 2.57)

After generally sucking ass all spring, working on trusting his stuff and locating birth records and such, Wandy didn’t do too badly in his first start giving up three runs and seven hits to the Giants but that obviously doesn’t cut it when your hitters are still trying to figure out which way is the front for their garter belts.  He’ll have his hands full in facing Wainwright who already appears in solid form, going seven strong innings in his first start and supported by an actual working major league batting order led by the back to back of Pujols and Holliday who are each swinging very well.

Wednesday (not Tuesday), April 14, 7:15CT on my20 and ESPN2

Brett Myers, RHP (0-0,6.00) v. Brad “Will” Penny, RHP (0-0,1.29)

Myers looked like a guy who hadn’t started a game since last May which is exactly who he was, giving up the booty and twelve hits to the Giants in his first start.  Welcome aboard, Brett, and help yourself to plenty of punch and cookies.  RedassBrett will be facing Brad Penny, another Cardinal dickhead who’s already throwing lights out with one run on six hits over seven innings in his opener; just the thing for the light hitting Astros.   Maybe this will be the game when Myers dots a few guys, gets tossed, picks a fight withseveral players on bothteams along with a dowdy Midwestern housewife, composes a sonnet, weaves a fishing net and then finishes it all off with twelve Carlings and a rock and rye.  Or, something like that.  He’s a renaissance man, Brett is.

Thursday, April 15, 12:40 CT, FS-H

Bud Norris, RHP (0-1, 10.12) v. Kyle Lohse, RHP (0-0,6.00)

Norris looked a lot like a pitcher who is basically a rookie making it all up as he goes along in his last start which is essentially what he is.  He threw some real good pitches here and there but unfortunately, they were sandwiched between about 725 other curious tosses during his 2 2/3 innings of overall suck against a Phillies team that is more than happy to receive suck and produce multiple money shots in return.  Clean up was messy that evening and Dennis Liborio gave Norris a towel assessment.  Young Bud will be up against Kyle Lohse who had his own troubles in his initial start against a pretty good Milwaukee lineup, giving up four runs over six innings.  Uh, also, Lohse has been very effective against Houston, going 5-1 in his last seven starts.  Great.  You get a cookie, MLB News.

MASH Report:

St. Louis:

All healthy.  Are you shittin’ me, MLB?  Must be all that clean living among the best fans in baseball.  Maybe LaRussa has extended his pre and post game rubdowns of Pujols to the entire team–that’s all I can think of.

Houston:

Arias has right rotator cup weakness.  Switch hands, Alberto.  You would have known that had you gone to a college with a lot of ugly girls.

Yorman Bazardo: strained shoulder.  Get well, Yorman.  The game needs a player with a name like yours.

Sammy Gervacio: strain of right shoulder posterior cuff.  I’m fairly certain that I don’t even have one of those.

Berkman: lollygagging, now until the 20that the earliest with his right knee thingy.  Seriously, this doesn’t look good for Berkman or the team–it’s hard to see him being anywhere near 100% effective this season.  He’s (allegedly) never been a drug guy–no HGH or greenies–and without ’em, Berkman is like every other ballplayer of the last hundred years: he’s wearing down in his thirties.  He’ll be hanging out in Houston since they have better exercise bikes than at Wrigley and he’s a little homophobic with the LaRussa thing going on in St. Louis.

Giveaways This Series:

Show up at the opener today and they’ll give you a little schedule magnet.  Otherwise, that’s it for the series.  Cheap bastards–Drayton gives away all kinds of shit that you can pile up in your closet and later give away at a garage sale.

Odds and Ends:

Watched a little of the Milwaukee-St. Louis game last night.  Two pretty good teams and couldn’t help thinking back to when the Astros ran a team out onto the field that included a Carlos Beltran batting second –-those cities used to be envious of the lineups and pitching staffs that Houston put on the field.   Not now.

I’m getting a little tired of the “Millsie” thing and now the “Sully” thing, etc.  No word if Gardner is referred to as, “Pamsie.”  Probably not.  Haven’t heard much about Gardner as of late other than she’s still making her fair share of conferences.

Astrosteam president Pam Gardner shown with unidentified team official at recent executive retreat

The Astros have scored fewer runs this season than the Diamondbacks in one inning yesterday.  Thanks, ESPN, for pointing out the obvious.  Next thing you’ll be telling me is that Houston doesn’t have a very good team right now along with the unmitigated gall they once had of competing year end and year out for the playoffs.

Mills (not Millsie) sat Pence and his .095 average.  Next up: someone from the Chronicle to assert a “rift” or something between the new manager and the team’s hearthrob to Houston area ninth grade girls.

The ‘stros were clad in the ’65 unis for Saturday night’s game.  Almost startling to see the hometown nine wearing a real uniform, with even  stirrups and sanitaries to boot.  The current “home white” kit isn’t bad and neither are the road grays (on the odd occasion when they wear them) but the original colors and style are highly pro.  The blocked “HOUSTON” on the old road grays was also outstanding.  I wouldn’t get any hopes up on the organization seizing the day on this–they’re convinced by whatever idiotic marketing study was done or simply by one of Drayton’s grandchildren’s preference that the ugly ass pinstripes and the road softball unis are just the thing.

Speaking of ’65, I was actually in attendance at the Yankees exhibition that kicked off baseball in the Dome but remember absolutely zero of it.  I do, however, recall quite clearly seeing Billy Graham there along with 55,000 or so other mouth breathers amazed that Houston and Jesus could come up with something this goddamn impressive.  They had everything at the Astrodome when it first opened including bullfights (they didn’t actually kill the bulls), lacrosse (yes, lacrosse) and umpteen tours given each day to slack jawed locals and tourists alike who would all return outside to the 98% degree temp and 98% degree humidity and to the massive parking lot and find a new “Astrodome-8th Wonder of the World” bumper sticker on their cars.  People wanted in the place just to behold it.  The Astrodome was obvious proof that God had big things in mind for Texas and America and that those fuckers in Moscow had better bring their lunch if they wanted a piece of us.  But, the Astros went on, of course to prove that God and Texas and America and the Marines and even that thing called momentum can’t always beat good pitching or opposing shortstops named Walt Fucking Weiss.

They played the Masters this past weekend which is fabulous entertainment, especially when so many big names are in contention.  The “limited commercial interruption” deal that the good ol’ boys at Augusta National demand of CBS makes for great viewing, especially the astounding shot of the final pairing of Mickelson and Westwood moving from the 17th green to the 18thtee box and the gallery extending down the length and breath of the narrow, final fairway.   Speaking of shots, was there a better one than Michelson’s iron off the pine straw between the trees and over the certain death of Rae’s Creek to six or so feet from the pin on 13?  I don’t recall seeing one as spectacular when it really mattered with so much hanging on it in a major championship.  It’s the kind of risky endeavor that Mickelson has tried before with often disastrous results–he’s worn the “World’s Biggest Dumbass” title more than once.  But, damn that was a glorious thing to behold.  I don’t know if the Masters is the best major but it is highly unique and also superbly fun with the multitude of lead changes possible and probable on the back nine.  Reasonable prices on beer and pimento sandwiches, too.  I do enjoy the National Open, though, for the pain and suffering it inflects on professional golfers.  Also, the British Open when a nice summer day in Scotland means it’s 35 degrees with a wind blowing at about 50 and a “soft” rain hitting ’em sideways.

I missed the Super Bowl and a good part of the final day of the Masters due to my required attendance at events involving the youngest Bulba daughter.  I still marvel at the lack of attention to MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS on the calendar by the interesting personalities that schedule these sorts of things but that’s another rant.  Anyway, I bemoaned it a little both times but quickly realized there will pretty much always be a Super Bowl and a Masters but some things involving your kids only come around once.  And, that’s kind of where we’re at with the Astros.  It gives you the opportunity to now quite clearly recall what you had when there was a guy named Bagwell at first and a fellow named Biggio playing next to him, with both ripping  the throats out of the opposition–man, those were the days.  And, I’m pretty sure we’ll all live to see another Astros team that’s a winner–maybe even within five years–who knows?  So, now is the time to look back and take note of what we had and to also be real fans of the team and stick with them when they’re down–any asshole can wear a Yankees or Red  Sox or even Cubs hat; that’s not hard to do.   No, this is a great time to watch how prospects develop and how the organization operates and drafts for the future.  It will also be fun watching what the team can accomplish with what they have and to see who rises to the occasion and decides to make a name for himself.  Also fun to listen to Deshaies parse and react to what he sees and Brown chuckle at yet another gem tossed his way by the ex-pitcher.  Just don’t call them Jimsie and Brownsie.