The Great American Bandbox

Monday, May 7, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Tuesday, May 8, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Wednesday, May 9, 6:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Thursday, May 10, 11:35 p.m. CDT – FSN

Okay. I’ve tried being funny. I’ve tried… Allright, funny is all I’ve tried, other than asking a plastic kid’s toy how a series would turn out. Nonetheless, I’m sick of the Good Guys winning one out of three in the previews I do. It’s time to get this ship pointed in the right direction, hoist the Jolly Roger, load up the cannons, hoist the mainsail, and take care of business!

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Monday
Roy Oswalt (4-2, 3.06) v. Kyle Lohse (1-2, 3.12)

Roy O upped his record against the Reds last week to 18-1, going 8 innings and utterly destroying the Reds save a solo shot by Adam Dunn that barely snuck over the right field wall. It’s a pretty well documented fact that Roy owns the Reds, so I’m not going in to any great detail about it. Roy, stare at this for at least 30 minutes before game time. Alex Gonzalez (5-13) is the enemy. Destroy him by any means possible! And if you’re feeling generous, please plunk Griffey Jr. for me at some point in the game if the Good Guys manage to get a lead.

Kyle Lohse was re-signed via arbitration by the Redlegs with hopes of him filling out the middle/bottom the rotation. Lohse hasn’t done anything spectacular since his first few years with the Twins; mostly he eats innings and gives up a lot of fly balls. He gives up more hits than innings pitched, and his ERA has hovered around 4.50 higher for most of his career. The 3.12 ERA he is sporting right now will almost definitely go way up before the season is over, especially when you see his ground outs to fly outs split favors fly balls. And we all know that fly balls in The Great American Who Fucking Cares mean homeruns, and lots of ‘em.
On paper, the Astros own Mr. Lohse. The following players hit .333 or above against him: Roy Oswalt (1-2), Jason Lane (1-2), Brad Ausmus (2-5), Carlos Lee (16-41!), Craig Biggio (3-9), Orlando Palmeiro (1-3), Adam Everett (2-6), Mike Lamb (4-12), Pence!!! (1-3). Everyone else pretty much has sucked against him.

Tuesday
Wandy Rodriguez (0-3, 4.09) v. Eric Milton (0-4, 4.85)

Wandy and Woody are fighting hard for the “Last Starter To Get A Win” award, Houston Division. Wandy had one bad outing against the Brewers, which is the only thing keeping his ERA above 4. He has given up 3 or less runs in all but that one start, and has done a great job battling through the infamous “Wandy Inning” he was known for last year. Wandy has only walked 8(!) so far this year, while ponche-ing 32. That is pretty damn impressive.
Aside from Griffey Jr. (6-8), Wandy has done a pretty good job against the Reds in his career in limited numbers. Adam Dunn and Brandon Phillips are both 2 for 5 against him. Other than that, he has kept the Reds he has faced in check. The only homer Wandy has given up to a Red was Griffey’s cannon-shot during the Reds series at MMP last week.

Eric Milton generally sucks. He’s only made it through 6 innings once so far this year, with a couple of 5 inning outings and a 4 and one third outing too. And we all know what happens when you turn the game over to the Reds’ pen early in the game… Boom boom, out go the lights.
Morgan Ensberg (7-13, 2 HR, 3 BB) absolutely owns Milton, as does Brad Ausmus (10-27). Lance Berkman sports a Moberg-like OBP of .400, despite only having one hit in seven at bats. Other than that, the Astros haven’t done much against him in limited chances. Adam Everett (1-11) and Jason Lane (1-10) pretty much bring up rear.

Wednesday
Woody Williams (0-5, 5.49) v. Matt Belisle (3-1, 4.10)

This is the most painful match up of all for me. I really want Woody to turn it around and get a W, but I really don’t want it to be against Matty B. Woody has been good against the Reds, holding everyone but Ken Griffey Jr. (13-31, 5 HR) and Josh Hamilton (2-3) both in the ballpark and low in average. Adam Dunn has hit 4 big flies against him, but only has 9 hits in 40 at bats against Woody total.

Matt has limited exposure to the Astros, with Craig Biggio, Brad Ausmus, and Carlos Lee taking 5 at bats against him each. Believe it or not, those 3 are a rather shocking 0-15 against Belisle. Guys with success against him in their limited ABs: Mark Loretta (2-2), Fat Elvis (2-3), and Luke Scott (1-2). Matt hasn’t given up a homer to the Good Guys, and in fact has only given up one extra base hit to the current Astros, a Lance Berkman double.

I’m rooting for this one to go to the Red bullpen in a 1-1 tie, and David Weathers to give up 2 or 3 grand slams in the late innings to propel the ‘Stros to the win.

Thursday
Matt Albers (1-1, 3.32) v Aaron Harang (4-1, 4.78)

Fat Albers struck back for his first win in the Majors against the Redbirds last week, pitching 7 1/3 of fantastic baseball on short rest before yielding to the pen in Saturday’s 13-0 laugher. The bad news is Albers has been tattooed by the Reds in his short MLB career. Half the starting lineup is hitting over .400 against him in limited exposure, mostly thanks to his inability to get out of the 3rd inning in a stinker against the Reds last week at Minute Maid. Granted 3 of the 6 runs he gave up were unearned, but he still managed to give up 8 hits in 2 1/3 innings. Scott Hatteberg (3-6) has the most success at the plate against him, but a long list of 1 for 2’s follow: Griffey Jr., Alex Gonzalez, Josh Hamilton, and David Ross. Brandon Phillips (1-6) and Edwin Encarnacion (1-4) have the most at bats that sucked against him.
I hate Aaron Harang. He’s like 9 feet tall, throws about 15 miles per hour, and it’s my understanding he stole Christmas back in 1995. He is somehow 4-1 with an ERA near 5, and always seems to have big games against the Astros. He also has royally fucked me the two times he was on my fantacrap baseball team, but that’s neither here nor there. Jason Lane (5-14) has had good success against him with 2 homers in his 5 hits. Luke Scott (4-12, 2 triples!), Adam Everett (8-27), and Mike Lamb (8-28) have all had also hit him well. Bidge has 12 hits off of him, but in 42 at bats. Berkman struggles to hit for average against him (7-32), but 5 of those 7 hits have been homers, and another was a double. Amazingly, Lance’s 6 extra base hits have netted him 6 whole RBIs. Way to set the table, guys. Ensberg (3-18), Burke (2-12_Ausmus 4-23) and Loretta (4-23) have all struggled against him.

Notable giveaways this series…

Not much to report here. Apparently the Reds are cutting their bleacher prices on Monday. And some kind of hair cutting deal Thursday. Frankly, who gives a rat’s ass?

Injury Report

Houston –

Nothing new to report here.
Jason Jennings is still a few weeks away per Garner.
Giminez is still out for the year.
Brandon Backe is still planning on coming back as soon as possible.

Cincinatti –

To the best of my knowledge, Jared Burton and Elizardo Ramirez are residing on the 15-Day DL with a bum hamstring and right shoulder problems respectively. Always a damn shame when El Lizard isn’t pitching. What an awesome name.
Eddie Guardado and Chris Denorfia populate the 60-day DL with injuries to their pitching elbows.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

I managed to prevent Jason Lane from even seeing playing time with my kiss of death/Interesting Things To Look For feature last preview, so we’re just going to stop talking about Astro players all together…

[list]
[li] Roger Clemens completed the circle of assholeness by returning to the New York PoleSmokes. There are few sports teams in this world I hate more than the Yankees, and Rog going to play out that way makes it easy for me to go from vaguely liking him for being an Astro to hating him for being the colossal cock-sucker that he is.
Foghorn said it best…
“Not to go all Denny Green, but Clemens is who we thought he was. Don’t ask Satan to the prom and then get upset when he whips out his fire cock and butt rapes you.

Or something.[/li]

[li] Hopefully, with the Clemens Horse-shit Express Train pulling in to New York, the Astros can start to bear down and play some real baseball, instead of this “Leave 10 guys on base every goddamn game” nonsense they’ve been pulling. [/li]

[li] Along that same line of thinking, I really think the Good Guys are just another hit or two away from breaking out in a big way for more than one game a week. If Lance would just get his big ass in gear, things might just start falling in to place. The pitching has been great so far, and the bats need to stop pissing away all these excellent starts. [/li]

[li] If you listen carefully, you will probably be able to hear the Coach and me cursing whichever team is doing better on Wednesday. That is going to be a painful one. [/li]

[/list]

Discuss today’s game in the GameZone.

Edited to fix link.

Astros @ Co-ards – “I Hold The Future In My Fingertips…”

New Busch

Friday, May 4, 7:05 p.m. CDT – FSN
Saturday, May 5, 12:10 p.m. CDT – FSN
Sunday, May 6 1:15 p.m. CDT – FSN

Due to the lack of time I’ve had to write this preview, I decided to consult my oldest and dearest friend, The Magic 8 Ball for help in predicting this series. When I asked The 8 Ball if people would like this idea, it said, “Most Likely Not.” This is going to be a long and irritating series preview…

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Friday

Woody Williams (0-4, 5.66) v. Adam Wainwright (1-2, 6.14)

Due to an apparent sinus infection, Woody has been moved up to take Sampson’s place tonight, moving Albers to Saturday and Sampson pushed back (tentatively) to Sunday afternoon. Obviously, this led to some quick cutting and pasting, so if you see a sentence in there that doesn’t make sense, blame it on Chris Sampson’s fucked up sinuses.

Wainwright mowed down the Good Guys in his last start, going 7 innings while giving up 5 hits and one run in early April. After dominating the Piroots in his next start, the wheels started coming off. He gave up 4, 7 and 6 earned runs in his next 3, leaving him with a sparkling 6.14 ERA. In 2 home starts at New Busch, Wainwright has given up 10 earned runs in 10.1 innings, earning an even more dazzling 8.71 ERA and an 0-2 record. The Astro hitters have limited at bats against Adam, with Mike Lamb (2-4), Craig Biggio (2-5), and Lance Berkman (2-7) having decent success against him. Notably, Morgan Ensberg is a 0 for 6 and El Kabong is 0 for 3.

Williams has settled down in his last few starts after getting roughed up pretty good at the beginning of the season. Holding the opposition to 3 runs in his last two starts, with 6 and 7 innings pitched respectively, Woody may finally be hitting his stride. On the down side, Woody is 0-2 on the, road sporting a 5.92 ERA. He’ll be looking to bring that number down some against Cards batters that have had mixed results against him. On the good side: Dicknose Pujols (3-5), Preston “My swing is uglier than the schnoz on Owen” Wilson (6-17), Aaron Miles (4-10), and that Asian outfielder is Soooooo Taguchi (2-2). Sucking versus Woody: Anaheim Jimmy Edmonds (4-22), Scott Rolen (2-19), and Gary Bennett (1-10).
So, Magic 8 Ball, will Woody Williams have a good outing tonight?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: “Yes”

Magic 8 Ball, will the Astros get a win for a starting pitcher other than Sampson and Roy this series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: “My Sources Say No”.

Well fuck. I guess you can’t win ’em all.

Saturday

Fat Albers (0-1, 5.02) v. Kip Wells (1-5, 5.56)

Wells’ story could be called “Wainwright Part Deaux”. After a nice start, including 7 shutout innings against Lance Berkman and his Whiffle-Bat Posse, Wells has self-destructed of late. Apparently, giving up 7 earned runs per game is not a recipe for success, as Kip has proven in his last 2 starts. Kipper is 0-3 with a 6.11 ERA, which I’m sure NEVER would’ve happened at Old Busch. Damn new ballparks and their inability to prevent Kippy from sucking. Astros have seen a ton of Kipster: Mike Lamb (5-16), Fat Elvis (9-29), and the surprising Brad Ausmus (7-24). On the minus side, Craig Biggio (10-37) has ponched 10 times in 47 Abs against him, Jason Lane is 1 for 10, and Luke Scott is a big fat 0 for 3.

Albers got shelled his last start, but the two previous starts were both of the decent variety. Sporting a 3.75 ERA before his Cincy meltdown and a 5.02 ERA after. Funny what 6 earned runs in 2 and one-third inning will do to the ol’ Earned Run Average. If Albers keeps the ball down, he’s pretty nasty. If Albers struggles with location, look out. Matt has never faced the Redbirds, so I’ll just use this space to ask the 8 Ball some more entertaining questions…

Will the Astros win the division this year?
8 Ball Final Decision: Outlook Not So Good

Will the Astros win the wild card this year?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Absolutely!

There you have it, folks. Nuts to Kevin and his prognosticating! The 8 Ball says we’re the Wild Card! So take it to the bank!

Sunday

Chris Sampson (3-1, 3.55) v. Braden Looper (3-2, 2.84)

So, if you’re at all like me, when you heard Braden Looper was going to start for the Redbirds this year, you laughed until you ruptured a kidney. Well, guess what? We were both wrong. Looper has been the best option on the hill for the Cards this year with Carpenter out. Other than an awful outing against the Brewers earlier this week, Looper has given up 3 or less earned runs a start. His ERA before the Brew Crew game was 1.91. Hopefully the Brewers cracked his fragile ego, and Braden will melt down like Tim Redding with a one run lead. Twinkie and Iceberg are both 4 of 8, Lamb is 3-8, and Saint Biggio is 4-12. On the sucky side, Ausmus (1-11), Mr. Peepers (0-5), and Luuuuuke (0-2).

Sampson sprang back to Sampson-esque form after getting bombed in Philly, dominating the Brew Crew for 6 and a third while only giving up one run. Chris has very limited numbers against the Cards, facing only his Cocksmokeyness, Albert Pujols. Albert is 0 for 1 against Sampson in his career. Aside from the previously mentioned start against the Phightin’ Phils, Chris has given up 2 or less runs in every start.

I asked the Magic 8 Ball if the Astros would win this game. It’s response, “Ask again later”. So instead I asked my useless coworker who works on computers all day to front for his night-gig as a typical Austin musician, Frank. Instead of responding to the question at hand, Frank asked me if I liked the Doors.
I punched him in the face and decided to ask the 8 Ball again.
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Outlook not so good.

Notable giveaways this series…

Saturday is Mini Bat Day, and Sunday they’ll be giving away AT&T Lapel pins. Yee-fuckin-haw.

Injury Report

Houston –

Sixteenth Verse, same as the first! Jennings still out with tendonitis. Backe and Giminez both on the 60 day DL. Lets kick it over to our future-telling friend again.

Will Jennings recover from his tendonitis and pitch again for the Astros?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: No Way!
Ouch.

STL –

Carp is still on the DL with swelling in his right breast… Err, Elbow.

Our Interesting Things To Look For

So, last time I did a preview, I did an El Kabong themed Interesting Things To Look For, and he went into a slide that ended about 2 days ago. So, I’ll go ahead and feature someone that already sucks, as to try and propel them into decentness.

Our Interesting Things To Look For… Jason Lane Edition!

[list]
[li] Jason has 5 extra base hits on the young season, 4 of which are home runs. Normally you’d be excited by that, until you notice that those 5 extra base hits are half of his total hits, and he is batting a salty .217. On the bright side, his slugging is .500! Wow! [/li]

[li] Lane has only one multi-hit game so far this season, and it only took him 8 at bats in the game to do it. Against the Pirates on April 25th, Lane hit 2 singles and drove in a shocking 0 runs. [/li]

[li]Jason has played in a total of 23 games, broken down as such:LF-1, CF 9, RF 10, PH 3.[/li]

[li]Making a list about a player that is sucking hind tit this year sucks. Unless he breaks out beeegtime, I won’t be doing this again…[/li]
[/list]

At this point it would be retarded of me (and Alkie might just kill me) if I don’t recommend you go out and buy The Impossibles Anthology. Not only is the song Eight Ball awesome, this whole CD is full of all kinds of awesome Punkish Rock.

In closing, I decided to ask the 8 Ball just a few more questions:

Will the Astros sweep the series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: My Sources Say No.

Will the Astros take 2 out of 3?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Outlook Not So Good.

Will the Good Guys win A game in the series?
8 Ball’s Final Decision: Ask Again Later.

At this point I’ve decided to go buy a real Magic 8 Ball and break it, just for good measure.

The Magic 8 ball says “All Signs Point to Yes” when asked, “Will the readers enjoy the games more if they discuss them in the GameZone?

Edited to fix game times.