Texas 9
Houston 5

contributed by NeilT

This is gonna be my last recap this year, ‘cause it’s the last time the Texas team plays the Houston team on a Friday night. That’s for the best, ‘cause I really need this time to work on my Presidential demeanor, but I got to tell you, I’m not as happy with the Texas team as I used to be. In fact, last time I was in Dallas they caused me a crisis in confidence, and that ain’t easy.

Now I happen to be in Houston for tonight’s game to encourage Houston business to move to Texas where our low taxes and balanced budget will let them do business the way God intended. Of course Anita pointed out to me that Houston was technically in Texas, but that can’t be true because they keep electing Democrats, and near-Democrats like Ed Emmett, and no business-friendly environment can elect Democrats.

But hearing that Houston was in Texas wasn’t what caused me consternation. Nossir. My crisis started last time I was in Dallas when this boy came up to bat and the crowd started booing. “Anita,” I ask Anita all the important questions, “why’s this Dallas crowd booing that boy? Is he a Democrat?”

“They’re not booing, numbskull, they’re yelling his name.” She’s always calling me little pet names like that: numbskull, crampbrain, sock-drawer . . . She’s been doing that since we were in junior high. It’s her little sign of affection.

“His name is Boo?”

“You hoof-head. Why I’m the damn blonde in this family I’ll never know. His name is Cruz, they’re yelling Cru-u-u-u-z.”

That was deeply disturbing. This boy Cruz has been giving me fits ever since Lite Governor Dewhickey failed to put him down back in 2012, and now he’s got presidential aspirations when everybody knows I’m the Texan with the presidential stuffing. He’s a loudmouth one-term senator of mixed parentage who wasn’t even born in Texas. Who would elect someone like that as President? I’m pretty sure he was born in Kenya, and I want to see his birth certificate.

Now I know the Texas team has a long tradition of Republican leadership, what with ’42 and my buddy Nolan, and that Cruz is a Republican. I know the Texas team used to be made up entirely of Senators, back when they were in Florida. But why they’re letting that upstart Cruz play gets me wound up tighter than a prom queen’s corset, so I called my bud Bud.

“Bud” says I, “I’m considering calling another special session to require that the governor appoint the designated hitter for baseball teams within my gubernatorial jurisdiction, but I figure that little blonde hussy will raise a ruckus,” which reminds me, I wonder who does her hair? That dye job is almost good as mine. Anyways, back to Bud, “so I was wondering if you’d just get rid of that fellow Cruz for me?” Of course Bud was glad to oblige, and he banned Cruz for 50 games, just ‘cause I asked. He’s still in the Senate though, and you can tell by listening to him that he’s still doin’ ‘roids.

***

‘Course in a recap I’m supposed to tell you something about the game, and since I was there I can share that Anita and I looked resplendent in our blue and red Texas jerseys, just like everybody else in the stadium. I was actually worried in the 8th and noted to Anita that the Houston team was still up 4-3. Bedard had pitched a pretty good game. That Communist Castro homered in the 2nd, Altuve scored some Hoes in the 4rth with a double, and then Castro scored Altuve with a double. Barnes homered in the 5th. Anita just looked at me with that look she gives me. “You Houston bullpen-brain,” I think that may be the worst thing she’s ever called me, and I’ve got to admit, it hurt my feelings a bit, “don’t you know we’re into the Houston bullpen?

And of course the Texas team batted around in the 8th and scored 4 runs. We got to see a whole lot of the Houston team’s bullpen, and it didn’t get much better in the 9th, with that new fellow, DeLeon.

All in all, it was satisfying for the Dallas crowd, and once again the Texas team won because of low taxes and a balanced budget. And I’m sure glad that Bud got rid of that Cruz loudmouth. He even gets on my nerves.

Boston scores go ahead runs in the 9th to beat the Astros 7-5.

contributed by Sphinx Drummond

Same old story, same old song and dance. And when we get to the end, we’re going to start all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat. Second verse same as the first. And we’re back where we started, here we go round again. It’s the never ending story.

Have you heard the one about the team that couldn’t hold lead in the late innings? It’s not a comedy but it involves a comedy of errors, so to speak. Anyway, that joke isn’t funny anymore. It might be, if it wasn’t the truth.

The Astros have a well-established template for losing. Get a lead, have your starter pitch well enough for the team to have a lead in the late innings, have one of the relief pitchers come in and blow the lead and the team loses the game. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Cosart didn’t have his best, walking 5 and serving up 7 hits over 5 innings but left with the game tied at two runs each. Wright, Zeid, Blackley, and Lo, all worked in relief and managed to not blow the lead in spite of Zeid’s yielding of 2 runs–thanks in part to the Astros scoring 3 runs in the bottom of the 6th inning. Houston led 5 to 4 going in to the top of the ninth. Houston’s bullpen has 18 blown saves this season but it was only Field’s first blown save.

The Astros are off Thursday. Their Wednesday record has fallen to a less impressive 11 wins and 7 losses. Which is still amazing within the context of the season. Friday the good guys welcome the Arlington Rangers to town. Dickweed Matt Garza faces the self limited Eric Bedard.

Wanted: For Impersonating Relief Pitchers – Jose Cisnero, Josh Fields, Rhiner Cruz, Wesley Wright, Hector Ambriz, Travis Blackley

Time: 3:53.
Attendance: 22,205.
Weather: INDOORS

15-10 Red Sox over Astros

Contributed by Reuben

Score score score, score score score. Walk walk walk, homer homer homer, Wheeeeeeeee!

Since the Astros’ early 5-0 lead got all shot to hell, here’s some bullet points, rather than an actual description of the game:

-Jordan Lyles’ ERA is now 5.40. Good thing he is still only 22 years old, although I’m beginning to wonder if in 2 years we’ll be saying “but…he’s still only 24…”

-The winning pitcher in this game allowed 9 hits and 6 runs in less than 5 innings.

-Robbie Grossman had another homer, a steal, and two hits tonight. His one hitless AB was a rope right at the right fielder. That kid has been impressive to say the least since he got recalled.

-Brett Wallace hit his 9th homer. In 34 games since he was recalled from OKC in late June, Wallace has hit 7 doubles, the 9 HR, and 24 RBI. That pace over 162 games would yield 35 2B, 42 HR, and 114 RBI. Caveat alert: he’s still been awful vs. lefty pitchers.

-LJ Hoes hit a nice triple onto Tal’s Hill. He was 2-for-4.

-Zeid and Lo still have 0.00 career ERAs in the Majors. Zeid pitched 1 2/3 and struck out 3.

-The Sox’ catcher, Lavarnway, is believed to have tied a MLB record by allowing 4 passed balls in one inning, the 1st. That seems like it happened two days ago now.

-Villar was 2-for-2 but had to leave the game after making a diving attempt on a ground ball. Looked like he may have jammed his thumb, hopefully not seriously.

-Altuve, 0-for-5 and now hitting .279. Not sure this is the best time to try him out as the #3 hitter.

-The game took about 4 hours to play. It sucked.

Twins 3, Astros 2

W: Thielbar (2-1)
L: Peacock (1-4)

Peacock pitched a really nice ball game. Sure, it was against a team that can’t hit for shit, a team on the ass end of mediocre, but if you take it out of context he held the Twins to four hits over seven innings and gave up three runs on two homers while striking out ten.

The hapless Astro offense found seven singles off of retread rehab case Mike Pelfrey, but they could only turn ten baserunners into two runs. Instead of losing this game with the bullpen, Houston got to watch as their opponent won the game with theirs, blunting a bases-loaded opportunity in the seventh and cruising the rest of the way in.

Castro worked three walks. Wallace and Carter had RBI singles with two outs in the fifth. Grossman and Dominguez had a pair of singles but it’s just sand on the beach. Tune in tomorrow for Oberholtzer’s start against the Red Sox.

Minniepaulians 4
Astros 3

contributed by NeilT

I love Minnesota. You probably don’t know this, but I’ve actually been to Minnesota. I’ve flown to Minneapolis, on Braniff Airlines, and I’ve driven to Minneapolis more than once in a relatively new Plymouth Duster. I’ve been to Minneapolis in summer, and I’ve been to Minneapolis in the winter. I’ve driven through Austin, Mn., home of the Spam Museum. It was in Minneapolis, in fact, that I learned that not everyplace serves Dr. Pepper. That’s why I’m so cosmopolitan today.

Now that we’re in the American League, there are some important things you need to know about Minnesota. Here are some of those things.

The Twins. The Minnesota baseball team is the Minneapolis Twins. That’s because there are these two cities, St. Paul and Minneapolis, which are actually the same city, but which is known as The Twins’ Cities because it was founded by fraternal twins, Paul and Minnie. Paul and Minnie were abandoned by their parents and raised by wild beavers. There’s a famous statue at the state capitol of Minniepaulius of Paul and Minnie suckling from a beaver. It’s presumably a female beaver, but it looks perplexed.

White People. Some residents of Minnesota have never met anyone whose ancestors weren’t Scandinavian. Cultural diversity in Minnesota consists of whether your grandparents were Norwegians or Swedes.

Liquor Deliveries. It gets really, really cold in Minnesota. In winter it gets dark at 3 o’clock in the afternoon, and then it snows. Winter lasts from the end of the regular season to the All-Star Break. That’s why nobody drinks more than Minnesotans. Remember, their only cultural contribution is F. Scott Fitzgerald, a famous drunk who wrote mostly about drinking, and most households get daily deliveries of vodka. The vodka man leaves a couple of bottles on the front stoop, where the vodka immediately freezes.

Hotdish. Minnesotan cuisine consists of hotdish, which is some starch, some dairy, some meat, some canned soup, and some corn. Minnesotans eat hotdish 365 days a year, and in leap years add a casserole. I was feeling nostalgic for those visits I made to Minnesota 30-odd years ago, so tonight I made hotdish for dinner. I wanted something with a bit of Texas flavor, and after an internet search I made authentic Minnesotan taco hotdish. Here’s the list of ingredients:

2 pkgs crescent rolls
1 lb hamburger
1 pkg taco seasoning
1 can tomato soup
1 can corn
4 lg. slices mozzarella cheese
1 egg, beaten.

Jumble the ingredients up in a casserole and bake at 350 for 43 minutes. With 2 fifths vodka serves a family of 4.

There you go. That’s authentic Minnesotan.

***

Cosart pitched 7 tonight, and left the game having thrown 99 pitches. He allowed 5 hits, 1 ER, 4 SO, and 1 BB. It was efficient and completely satisfying. Then we learned what this means: 老嫖. In Mandarin, it means that Porter frequents the bullpen.

There was consternation that Cosart was taken out of the game. Over the next 6 innings there were some go ahead runs by the Twins, and some tying runs by the Stros, and vice versa. There was a Villar error. There were Astros bullpen shenanigans, but there were some nice moments as well. Zeid came in with a 0.00 ERA and left with a 0.00 ERA. He must be the new closer.

By the 12th only Harrell was left in the pen, so Porter brought in Keuchel. In the bottom of the 13th the Twins got their walk-off.