Texas 9
Houston 5
contributed by NeilT
This is gonna be my last recap this year, ‘cause it’s the last time the Texas team plays the Houston team on a Friday night. That’s for the best, ‘cause I really need this time to work on my Presidential demeanor, but I got to tell you, I’m not as happy with the Texas team as I used to be. In fact, last time I was in Dallas they caused me a crisis in confidence, and that ain’t easy.
Now I happen to be in Houston for tonight’s game to encourage Houston business to move to Texas where our low taxes and balanced budget will let them do business the way God intended. Of course Anita pointed out to me that Houston was technically in Texas, but that can’t be true because they keep electing Democrats, and near-Democrats like Ed Emmett, and no business-friendly environment can elect Democrats.
But hearing that Houston was in Texas wasn’t what caused me consternation. Nossir. My crisis started last time I was in Dallas when this boy came up to bat and the crowd started booing. “Anita,” I ask Anita all the important questions, “why’s this Dallas crowd booing that boy? Is he a Democrat?”
“They’re not booing, numbskull, they’re yelling his name.” She’s always calling me little pet names like that: numbskull, crampbrain, sock-drawer . . . She’s been doing that since we were in junior high. It’s her little sign of affection.
“His name is Boo?”
“You hoof-head. Why I’m the damn blonde in this family I’ll never know. His name is Cruz, they’re yelling Cru-u-u-u-z.”
That was deeply disturbing. This boy Cruz has been giving me fits ever since Lite Governor Dewhickey failed to put him down back in 2012, and now he’s got presidential aspirations when everybody knows I’m the Texan with the presidential stuffing. He’s a loudmouth one-term senator of mixed parentage who wasn’t even born in Texas. Who would elect someone like that as President? I’m pretty sure he was born in Kenya, and I want to see his birth certificate.
Now I know the Texas team has a long tradition of Republican leadership, what with ’42 and my buddy Nolan, and that Cruz is a Republican. I know the Texas team used to be made up entirely of Senators, back when they were in Florida. But why they’re letting that upstart Cruz play gets me wound up tighter than a prom queen’s corset, so I called my bud Bud.
“Bud” says I, “I’m considering calling another special session to require that the governor appoint the designated hitter for baseball teams within my gubernatorial jurisdiction, but I figure that little blonde hussy will raise a ruckus,” which reminds me, I wonder who does her hair? That dye job is almost good as mine. Anyways, back to Bud, “so I was wondering if you’d just get rid of that fellow Cruz for me?” Of course Bud was glad to oblige, and he banned Cruz for 50 games, just ‘cause I asked. He’s still in the Senate though, and you can tell by listening to him that he’s still doin’ ‘roids.
***
‘Course in a recap I’m supposed to tell you something about the game, and since I was there I can share that Anita and I looked resplendent in our blue and red Texas jerseys, just like everybody else in the stadium. I was actually worried in the 8th and noted to Anita that the Houston team was still up 4-3. Bedard had pitched a pretty good game. That Communist Castro homered in the 2nd, Altuve scored some Hoes in the 4rth with a double, and then Castro scored Altuve with a double. Barnes homered in the 5th. Anita just looked at me with that look she gives me. “You Houston bullpen-brain,” I think that may be the worst thing she’s ever called me, and I’ve got to admit, it hurt my feelings a bit, “don’t you know we’re into the Houston bullpen?
And of course the Texas team batted around in the 8th and scored 4 runs. We got to see a whole lot of the Houston team’s bullpen, and it didn’t get much better in the 9th, with that new fellow, DeLeon.
All in all, it was satisfying for the Dallas crowd, and once again the Texas team won because of low taxes and a balanced budget. And I’m sure glad that Bud got rid of that Cruz loudmouth. He even gets on my nerves.