BIN LADEN IS DEAD

Posted on May 2, 2011 by Ron Brand in Featured, Game Recaps

Astros 5, Brewers Nada

WP Norris (2-1) | LP Narveson (1-2)

HR Caballo

Bud Norris was on top of his game Sunday, stifling the potent Brewer attack with a mixture of fastballs and darting sliders. Pitching to the strike zone, with an unhittable slider, he struck out 11 and scattered three hits and three walks.

Carlos Lee singled and scored on Bill Hall’s hit in the second and had a three-run jack in the sixth off of a hanging breaking ball. Later, Lee took an Angel Sanchez flying kneedrop to the chest in the eighth on a tweener and was taken to the hospital for X-rays and scans. He’s bruised but not broken, and is day to day.

Fulchino, Abad and Melancon finished up, throwing nine pitches each.

Bin Laden is dead.

BOURGEOIS: WORKING CLASS HERO

Posted on May 1, 2011 by Dark Star in Featured, Game Recaps

Meanwhile, Wandy Rodriguez finally pitches a really good game. And gets vultured by Lyon.

ASTROS 2, BREWERS 1
Saturday April 30, 2011
MMPUS

HOUSTON (SnS) — In a close contest, the Houston Astros held on long enough to defeat the scary Milwaukee Brewers here Saturday night, 2-1. In a rare night of dominance by starting pitchers, lefties Wandy Rodriguez and former Astro Randy Wolf hooked up in what turned out to be a classic duel.Read More

Pitching nigthmares continue

Posted on April 30, 2011 by Noe in Austin in Featured, Game Recaps

The night was not one that Brett Myers will write in his diary as “had a good night, had a blast shutting down opposing team, I am a good person”. But you cannot blame the burly right handed ace of the team, no pitcher for the Houston Astros seems to be doing anything of worth lately. Yes, the name of the game is still pitching and defense with just enough hitting. None of the three happened on this Friday Night of fireworks, provided entirely by the Milwaukee Brewers by the way, as the local nine lost 5 to zip. Hey, the buffet was good though!

There is seriously nothing to say about the game other than you had one spectacular play by Michael Bourn in centerfield as he tackled Tal’s Hill to make a catch. Oh, yeah, there was another “man versus a mountain” moment in the game when Brett Wallace took on the on-charging Prince Fielder in a game of chicken. Brett stayed in and of course paid the price to the tune of a hip contusion and a whole lotta nightmares for several years. Speaking of nightmares, can it get any worse for the struggling Houston pitching staff? Night after night of facing off with outstanding batsmen has to take it’s toll on the psyche of this bunch and it shows the way they are performing.

Oh well, you just hope one night the pitching will come back, the defense will solidify, the hitting will continue, Pence will actually listen to someone, and Brett Wallace will stop trying to tackle a runawaytrain. Is that too much to ask of this bunch?

A bad day.

Posted on April 29, 2011 by BudGirl in Featured, Game Recaps

Cards 11, Astros 7
W: McClellan (4-0) L: Abad (1-2) SV: Salas (1)

Boxscore and Recap

I knew I was going to miss this game due to a prior commitment, so I had recorded it. There was no suspense when I watched it, in fast forward, because I had read the GameZone. Just like watching a train wreck, I watched the Cardinals win the game in the 6th inning. All they needed was that one inning. The Astros scored 7 runs in 9 innings, but it was not enough to cover for that one inning.

I would also like to point out that Jose Valdez pitched two scoreless innings to get his healthy ERA down to 9.00. I am unsure how Fernando only has two losses and an ERA of 4.15. I guess all the runs crossing the plate aren’t his. I do wonder if he realizes he is suppose to prevent them from scoring??

On March 31st, I shared some observations for anyone willing to read them. I had just attended the exhibition game the Astros played against the Red Sox. I stand 1000% behind what I said about Pence.

RF – Hunter Pence – Ugh. I for the life of me cannot understand why fans love him. He looks HORRID in the field. I have a feeling Hunter will do enough to maintain the FotF tag he’s been given but I really think it needs to go to someone else.

One thing I have noticed of late that Hunter does is run into the HEB sign in right field. He is so ball-to-the-wall (or whatever it is you guys say) on those plays that he is like a cartoon character hitting the wall. I think those hits have addled his brain.

In regard to Lance Berkman, I have no kind thoughts for him. I understand he is doing what he has to do in order to stay in the game. I just wish he had wanted to stay in the game when the Astros had him under contract. Then again, I’m really not disappointed he is gone. Mr. Wallace is doing okay at 1B and I think the slugging is going to start coming around. He seems to have gotten comfortable around the plate. Now things are going to get interesting.

Bullpen Beatdowns End with a Mighty Whiff

Posted on April 28, 2011 by Ty in Tampa in Featured, Game Recaps, News

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Turdinals 6
Astros 5

W: Lohse | L: Happ | S: Sanchez

HR: Holliday, Greene

They dropped the puck in Pittsburgh just as JA Happ toed the MMPUS rubber. It was inevitable that I would not be able to dissect any of the intricacies of tonight’s Game 2 between the Jakes and Astros – not that I do that anyway. There was a Game 7 tonight and that was my primary focus, although the Astros flickered on my laptop screen just below my line-of-sight with the 42″ HD.

I could tell Happ was pitching well. I think I saw every K and despite 2 solo dingers, kept the Turds in check for 5. But Lohse was better. A lot better. Only 4 hits through his 7 innings and none for extra bases. He seemed to get better as the game went on but LaGenius thought 97 too much for the man.

The Bullpen Beatdowns began in the Turds’ 7th. Del Rosario swept up the 6th and looked like he would do the same the next frame but collapsed with a 2-out RBI single and a HBP to leave 2 on for Valdez and the heart of the Jakes order. Pooholes, Holliday and Twinkie each had RBI singles before Molina grounded out to end it. 6-0 Turds.

Unfortunately, I saw none of the 3 runs the Astros produced in the bottom of the 8th inning as the last 5 minutes of the Lightning’s precarious 1-0 lead had me pacing and cursing at high dBs. But what I do know without having seen it is the Jakes’ bullpen sucks. Bad. I also know that Brett Wallace is a badass. Still 6-3 Jakes headed into the 9th.

Both my laptop and my HD TV survived the 1:36 6-on-4 the Lightning also endured to take their series and my focus was back on the Astros. Melancon made quick work of the Jakes 9th and Eduardo Sanchez struck out Towles to start the bottom of the inning. Then Inglett singled and Boojwah, craftily placed in the 9th spot in the 8th, tripled to the gap in left center to plate one. Bourn sacrificed Booj home to make it 6-5 and the sparse MMPUS crowd was making noise. The man that is Angel Sanchez kept scant hopes alive and fucked with Lance Berkman all in the same at-bat. His sharp fly ball to right sailed beautifully over Twinkie’s head to the wall for an easy double and a chance for Beaker to be a hero. Ummm…the book on Pence is an all-time best seller and even though he gave it a good effort, the low and way away slider slipped scant inches past the tip of his bat and the comeback was not to be.

One more chance to take this series tomorrow night at MMPUS. McClellan at Figgy. Fuck the Jakes in the eye!

Cardinals at Astros – You Want Hate? Here It Is.

Posted on April 26, 2011 by MRaup in Featured, Series Previews

It’s been a stressful couple of fucking weeks for Raup the Younger here. Two weeks ago, I drove a 25 foot U-Haul from Austin to Richmond, Virginia. In case you weren’t aware of this, Richmond is a fucking pimple on the herpes sore on the ass on society. I found a nice beer bar downtown near the hotel we were staying at (and lucky for me, it was on the correct side of 5th Street, so it was safe to walk to after dark), but that was just about the only fucking highlight of the entire trip. I got home on Saturday afternoon, managed to have half a relaxing day, then get a phone call Sunday morning informing me that my mother had fallen and shattered her femur. I’m not exaggerating, folks. SHATTERED her femur. And less than a week before that, she’d managed to fall and re-break her elbow as well. The good news in all of this? I didn’t have to wake up at 5am that Tuesday and drive her to the hospital, because she was already there. Needless to say, the last week and change have been stressful and tiring and a lot of words that would probably get this website shut down by some Government Agency that monitors the internet. So, without further ado, all of my frustration, exhaustion, and downright black bile from the last few weeks will now be channeled toward the Goddamn Cardinals.

And Here. We. Go.

Friendly warning, if you find F-bombs/liberal curse words spread throughout a series preview offensive, you’d best go find something else to read. Might I suggest looking at this website instead? If you do partake in happy puppy website instead of reading this, I at least expect a nice comment for the warning and link, prick.

Minute Maid Park

Tuesday April 26th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Wednesday April 27th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Thursday April 28th, 7:05pm FS-H HD, DirecTV 678

Projected Matchups from Astros.com

Tuesday

Jaime Garcia (3-0, 1.44 ERA) vs. Bud Norris (1-1, 4.91 ERA)

I don’t know who the fuck Jaime Garcia is, but he can go fuck himself. He’s 24 years old, and looks like the love-child of Albert Pujols and Mike Hampton.

Jaime’s numbers this year are pretty damn spectacular, but the Astros, in limited chances against him, have positively destroyed his Turdinal ass. Collectively, the Good Guys sport a .500 (9-18) average against him, and there are a lot of guys that have gotten in on the action. Kabong (2-3), Senor Sanchez (2-3, 2B, 2 RBIs), Boojwah (1-3, 2B, RBI), CJ (1-2, RBI), Downs (1-2, BB), and Billy Hall (1-1, HR, RBI). Beaker, of course, is horrible against him (0-3, K). I suspect that means he knows how to bounce a slider.

Bud Norris has been his usual obnoxious self so far this year. Way too many pitches per batter, lots of strike outs to go along with lots of hits, and a high ERA. The only real upside to ol’ Bud so far is his complete and total lack of photogenic picture taking ability. He looks like he’s either about to take a dump or he just got a whiff of what he dropped off in every profile picture I’ve seen of him.

Bud has had some decent success against the Card hitters, with a .264 BA against (23-87). I know you’re just dying to hear how Prince Fuckwad (Not to be confused with Prince Fielder, who’s first name really should be Planet instead of Prince) does against Norris. Lady Albert (4-17, 2 2B, RBI), Holliday (5-19, 2 HR, 2B, 5RBI), Yadi “Slower Than Shit Rolling Uphill) Molina (4-14), The”Quiet”riot (2-7), Rasmus (4-16, 2 RB, HR), Former President Jon Jay (1-3), and a few other fucking schulbs nobody cares about anyway.

Wednesday

Kyle Lohse (3-1, 2.01 ERA) v. J.A. Happ (1-3, 6.94)

How the FUCK does scrubby asshole Kyle Lohse has a 2.01 ERA?! That is re-goddamn-diculous. And while we’re on the topic, why does his picture on ESPN look like someone badly photoshopped an ugly landing strip goatee and a Cards hat on a picture of The Rock? I probably should know my role and shut my mouth about the whole thing, Jabroni.

Dwayne Johnson I mean, The People’s Champion. DAMNIT, Kyle Lohse, sports a decent .266 BA Against (41-151). Thunderpants blinks even less than normal (read: NEVER) against Kyle (11-31), Kabong (20-64, 6 2B, 5 HR, 9RBI), and Q (3-10, 2B, RBI) all hit him pretty well. It gets real ugly real fast after that: Michael (1-6), Hall (1-15), Bourn (4-24), and Rodeo Clown (0-2).

J.A. Happ has been pretty goddamn awful so far this year. That ERA is atrocious, and really, aside from one sparkling start (7 2/3 innings, 4 hits, 1 earned run, 4 walks, 5 strikeouts vs. Florida), he’s been a shit sandwich with extra mayo.

Ah, great news here though! The Asshole Cardinals sport a .375 batting average against (12-32). Princess Pujols (4-10, 2b, HR, 3RBI), Holliday (3-7, 2 RBI), YadiMo (3-7, 2 RBI), and Fucking Twinkie (1-2, HR, RBI) all have had a lot of success against him. More on Berkman at the end, I promise.

Thursday

Kyle McClellan (3-0, 2.16 ERA) v. Suckballs McIsFuckingTerrible (0-3, 8.55 ERA)

This is just ridiculous. The Cardinal starter ERAs look like someone is playing MLB: The Show on the Easy setting right now. 3 guys around 2 runs per 9? What is this bullshit? I don’t even know who this yokel is.

The Astros don’t do much against ol’ Kyle, either. A .243 collective batting average (9-37) doesn’t bode well. Pence!! (4-11, RBI), and Bill Hall (2-5, HR, 2 RBI) are the only guys with even decent numbers against McClellan. Everyone else sucks hint tit ( 5-26 collectively, with 1 RBI and no extra base hits).

I don’t have a goddamn nice thing to say about Nelson Figueroa. Not a single one. He is fucking awful His ERA make Happ’s look like Nolan Goddamn Ryan. He sports a WHIP over 2, and has made it out of the 6th inning once in four starts. He walks a guy every other inning, averages a over a hit and a half an inning, and generally pisses me the fuck off. I’m not clamoring for Lyles to get called up, but come on, I bet there is someone within walking distance of Minute Maid RIGHT NOW (at 4:39pm on Tuesday) that would make a better starter than him.

Now that I got that off my chest, the good news. Greaseball Figs actually sports a decent BAA against the Redbirds (.250, 15/60). Pujols (2-13, 2b), Berkman (3-14, 2B, HR, 4 RBI), Yadi Molina (3-8), and Rasmus (2-4, 2B, RBI), Theriot (2-10, HR, RBI), and Matt Holliday (1-5, HR, 2 RBI) are pretty much all the highs and lows to see here. We’ll just hope for the best/swear at the TV a lot.

Notable Giveaways and Promotions

Tuesday is Price Matters Days. Or just go buy a nosebleed ticket and pretend your George Bush. Nobody will know the difference, just head on down to the fabled “Seats Behind Home Plate”, famed location of Ybbodeus’s Mythical Strike Two Dance.

Wednesday is another Price Matters Days. Fuck this boring ass shit.

Thursday is ANOTHER Price Matters Days. Wow, they must’ve spent the entire Promotional budget on this skanky high school girls that run around between innings and get the local slapdicks to play ring toss. What a load.

Injury Report

Cardinals

Bryan Augenstein strained his groin. Fuck him.

Craig Allen strained his groin too. Fuck him twice.

Albert Pujols has left hamstring tightness. You should try giving La Genius a hummer while in a prone position every now and then, Albert. You’re 44 years old (unofficially), your body can’t handle the daily stresses that it once could.

Skip Schumaker is a douchebag. His name is Skip. Fuck him.

Brian Tallet broke a bone in his right hand. Finally, a real injury! He was placed on the DL April 13th, he should be back Mid-May. We’ll give him a pass.

Adam Wainwright is doneski for the yearski with Tommy John surgery. While this injury is also legit, fuck Adam Wainwright.

Astros

Alberto Arias is out with shoulder tendinitis. He should be back in May.

Clint Barmes is due back right after this series, he is out with broken bone in his left hand.

Jason Castro will hopefully be back just in time for the Astros playoff push in September. He has a torn right knee.

Jeff Keppinger has foot surgery, and should be partaking in some extended spring training games soon. He’ll likely have a few rehab starts in the minors before coming back up to join the big club in May.

Wilton Lopez has an irritated nerve in his elbow. He should be back shortly after this series.

Other Stuff

I’ll go ahead and start off with Lance Berkman. I posted this earlier, but I’m going to go ahead and paste it here too, just so everyone is crystal clear on how I feel about Lance.

“ou guys can pussyfoot and pansy around all you want.

Fuck Fat Elvis. He’s a Goddamn Redbird Traitor, and I’ll hate him until he isn’t a Goddamn Redbird Traitor anymore. I’d boo him at Minute Maid. I’d boo him at BFiB Field. I’d boo him while he’s asking for extra chili on his Sheriff Blaylock Nachos. And I’d boo him in line to get another Twinkie from the vending machine.

Fuck Lance Berkman.”

All the leadership talk about how he was a leader for the Astros… Hey, guess what? He was a shitty leader that didn’t lead his troops anywhere but Shitsville. Lance always seemed a lot more interested in snacky cakes and chatting with whoever was within earshot of first base than actually being a leader. Now there’s all this talk about what a great leader he is and leading by example. The only example I’ve seen him set is the example of a beloved player that basically needed to be booted to the curb to realize that he was a fat tub of goo that had eaten his way out of shape and in to constant injuries.

All that being said, I reiterate, Fuck Lance Berkman.

I hate the fucking Cardinals, so it makes it easy for me to spew some serious anger on them. Tony LaRussa is a smug cocksucker. Albert Pujols is a lying-about-his-age cocksucker. Matt Holliday is a having-too-many-l’s-in-his-last-name cocksucker. The list goes on. Fuck ’em, says I.

And lastly, I should’ve written this way earlier in the preview, but my mom is going to be okay. She’ll be rehabbing her busted leg and arm for a couple of months, but she’s already on the road to recovery.

Discuss the game in the Goddamn Gamezone. And if you have any problems or complaints after reading this, please direct them to the SnS HR Director.

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